Paul's Thursday Reviews XVII · 12:02am Nov 27th, 2015
You guys didn't honestly think a little thing like Turkey Day was gonna stop me from posting, did you? Hah! I scoff at your lack of faith.
A Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow 'Muricans. Feast until you're ready to pop, nap half the day away, then feast some more. It's all but tradition by now. I won't bother with anything extra for today; it's almost time for 3rd Lunch!
Stories for This Week:
Dusk and Dawn by 2percent
A Solution to Shipping by Mooncalf
You've Gotta Stand Up Tall by Jioplip (Recommended by Cerulean Voice)
Mother of the Moon by Noble Thought (Re-Read)
Music to His Ears by Lady Froey (Completed Story)
Total Word Count: 84,005
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 1
Not Bad: 2
None: 0
Every now and then, a story pops up that proves a challenge to review. This is one of those times.
Dusk and Dawn operates under the premise that, in the instant Twilight and co. recreated the Elements of Harmony in the first episode, Nightmare Moon snatched them away and hid them. She then kidnapped Twilight Sparkle and disappeared for six months, only to return and conquer Equestria in under an hour. Worse, she’s managed to make Twilight – now named Eclipse – into her personal student and willing slave. The brunt of the story takes place seven years later with Eclipse leading the royal army to attack a rebel base hidden in Manehattan, where she runs into an old friend.
On the one hand, this story has some awesome elements. On another, the style of its revelations leaves me cringing. On a third, the concept is the single most tired and dated one that exists in this fandom. On a fourth (Pinkie taught me the appendage-multiplication thing), it’s well written enough almost make up for numbers two and three.
The very first thought I had when reading this was that Twilight was so blatantly and terribly out of character as to ruin everything. My second? It’s been seven years and we have no idea what she’s been through, so her drastic change from good to evil may be acceptable. The big problem here is that we don’t know what she’s been through, other than a tiny scene at the very beginning that doesn’t do much of anything to help matters. There are hints of torture and similar things, but not enough to quell the doubts. As such, accepting Twilight’s new character is almost 100% dependent on faith, a willingness to just acknowledge that things happened and she’s changed.
That’s not going to slide for some readers. It provided a wonderful backdrop to a potentially epic tale, though, and as such I am at war with myself over my final opinion on the matter. Since this is the crux of the entire story, it’s also why I’m having a hard time judging.
Another thing that worked poorly are the flashbacks and method of explanation. In a way that is horribly unrealistic, Twilight faces off with Applejack and Trixie – insert “Trixie is new Element of Magic” cliché here – and everypony present takes the time to explain things to one another. When explaining things via needless dialogue isn’t used, 2percent instead wields clumsy flashbacks like a poorly balanced club. A lot of the things shown were designed to fill the reader with horror, and I get that, but it proved a double-edged sword in that it feels as though the author is trying to force feed us horrible scenes in a blatant attempt to heighten our reaction. Add the other edge in that it only showcases how 100% not Twilight Twilight has become, again without proper explanation.
And, because I can see this argument coming from a mile away, Twilight explaining to Applejack her long-term goals and reasoning is not the kind of explanation I’m talking about. We’re told why Twilight wants to do what she’s doing, but not why she’s become a pony who would be willing to do those things in the first place. It’s not a question of purpose, it’s a question of character.
But again, there’s just enough of her there to make the huge changes seem plausible. I can’t tell if it’s well done or damningly wrong.
Then we get to the positives. Applejack, Trixie and Spike are very much in character for their roles – casting further doubt upon my suspicions towards Twilight's drastic change. 2percent’s interpretation of Nightmare Moon and her reign feel well thought out and appropriate to the character. Twilight’s explanations, while damning, feel reasonable under the circumstances. The story is mostly well written, with only a few missing words here or there to mess things up. The action sequences are intense, though perhaps a little too detailed, and the entire story from a plot standpoint just seems to make sense.
So you see my issue. This story has all the trappings of something great, but there are also elements of it that are either blatant, terrible missteps or perfectly sound decisions. In the end, I think what an individual reader gets out of this story will vary based upon the values of said reader. I think those who are more critical may find fault with the overall background, particularly in Twilight’s character, which defines the entire story. Everyone else will probably love it.
For myself, I’m leaning more towards liking it. I think certain elements could have been handled better, and I honestly wish all the flashbacks didn’t exist, but 2percent has still gained my interest with this story on the whole. If ever he chooses to finish the sequel – which is looking unlikely – you can rest assured I will read it. In truth, I think the entire concept should have been a multi-chapter epic to begin with; a one shot just isn’t enough to do the job justice.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Everyone knows that Twilight Sparkle is cute, pretty, sexy or any combination of the above. Don’t believe me? Just start looking for the ships. It’s a big ocean, but it’s hard to be in any given location without seeing at least one with her name on it. Twilight realizes that this is a problem; when so many ponies are in love with her, how could she possibly choose? And when she does choose, how does she make it up to the hundreds of others who couldn’t have her?
But Twilight is Twilight, and Twilight solves things.
This was an amusing little story. It pokes fun at the silliness of shipping in a way that is entertaining, especially to a shipper like myself. Of course, the reasonable individual within me knows the solution is doomed to failure, and the fact that Twilight is apparently aware of this too – and not caring – is just the icing on the cake.
All in all, a silly, fun short that brought out a chuckle in me. It’s so nice compared to all the gloom and doom I’ve been reading lately.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
You've Gotta Stand Up Tall
Jioplip provided no cover art. Point and laugh.
Recommended by Cerulean Voice
You’ll note that this one is ‘recommended,’ not ‘requested.’ Cerulean mentioned this story to me when we were discussing my plans for No Heroes: Beyond the Everfree, and since it seemed somewhat pertinent I figured I’d treat it as a request, even though it technically wasn’t. It was either that or wait over a year to read it.
This story was… meh. The author made a number of curious choices, like making all the characters human (without specifying an EQG setting). The story is about Pinkie as a child, who gets to learn exactly what her Granny Pie does for a living. Apparently, she’s a monster hunter, and she comes by once a month on the full moon to protect her family from the ‘Shadows’ that appear on that particular night.
Pinkie witnesses her granny in action and unintentionally gets caught in the fighting. With this, Granny decides to teach Pinkie how to fight – while it’s never directly stated, it seems her interference has made her the official replacement.
The story is at once direct and vague; direct in that we see exactly what Pinkie is doing throughout the story, but vague in that what Granny has done, what the shadows look like, and anything relating to the fighting is glossed over. It feels as though Jioplip wanted to keep things from the perspective of a child who has no idea what she’s really looking at. From that perspective, it works well.
Yet it comes with the caveat of making the story short and too brief to be effective. This is a great opportunity to learn more about Pinkie and Granny, to see them in action, to really get a feel for their relationship. None of that happens, instead replaced with some quick exposition and a conclusion showing how Pinkie’s not all there.
On the one hand, I think Jioplip wasn’t trying to make some deep story. I believe the one and only goal was to define where Pinkie got her “giggle at the ghosties" philosophy, without any of the interesting background that could (and should) have gone with it. So, arguably to the author’s credit, the story did exactly what it set out to do.
But dang, if it doesn’t show a total lack of ambition.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
Mother of the Moon
By Noble Thought
Re-Read
Alternative Title: Celestia Guarantees the Coming of Nightmare Moon
Yes, I remember this story well. I remember debating Noble Thought on the contents and the themes, and I remain as unconvinced now as I was then. Perhaps even more so.
Mother of the Moon is set in an alternate universe in which Celestia is Luna’s mother, but for the first nine years of Luna’s life has referred to her instead as her sister, even in private. Luna, recognizing how sad Celestia is all the time, decides to be a good sister by letting her sleep in and raising the sun by herself. While this is going on, Celestia has a long talk with Luna’s father, her captain of the guard, and they agree to finally reveal the truth to Luna. It ends with happy times, an extra layering of secrecy and Luna recognizing the coming darkness her ‘sister’ missed.
To the credit of Noble thought, the story has been improved since I last read it. Back then, typos, strange word choices and other mistakes were common, but now they have been almost completely cleared away. Also, while I may be remembering things incorrectly, I seem to recall that the last chapter involved a massive flashback that I found in very poor taste. Said flashback (again, if it existed at all) had been replaced with a much more reasonable bit of dialogue, even if that dialogue feels convenient.
But the core of the story – indeed, the entire premise – is something disastrous to my overall opinion. Basically, Celestia gave birth to a foal, and when said foal appears in public she tells everypony Luna is her sister? With her parents’ death ages ago being public knowledge and Luna’s apparent age, how are we expected to believe that the nobles are going to even pretend to buy this story? And yet Celestia persists in this stupidity on the basis that ‘if they know she’s my daughter, they’ll try to use her against me.’ Let’s ignore the fact that there’s no way they don’t know and are likely to try it anyway.
Worse, Celestia’s put herself into a position where, publicly, she has to pretend to be distant and aloof of her ‘sister’ because, again, any public showing of affection risks her more nefarious enemies trying to do something to Luna. Of course, this means that when Luna comes of age and tries to forge her way she won’t have her sister’s public support and… do I really have to outline how Celestia has made the worst possible decision?
For a pony hailed as a political genius in a world where every noble seems ready and eager to put a knife in her back, Celestia sure is shortsighted. Or rather, when she looks to the future she tends to look in all the wrong directions.
Now, let me alleviate all of this with a grain of salt. I can’t possibly rate this story highly, but that’s because to me – and this is my subjective opinion – Celestia is dropping an idiot ball the size of the sun. It doesn’t strike me as realistic in any way whatsoever. Others are going to have a differing opinion. Others will defend this story and declare that Celestia’s actions are perfectly reasonable and sound under the circumstances, and might even say she was right. I am not going to debate them. I had enough of that when I read this story the first time.
Point is, I don’t like this story, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad story. It’s well written and will greatly appeal to those who love political intrigue. Normally that would include me, but not this time. In fact, this story is decent in general, if I were to be objective. Were it not for my complete disapproval of everything Celestia is even thinking, I might have been drawn into the emotional impact of it. Alas, that cannot be.
In summation, while I’m giving this story a low rating, I really think you should read it and form your own conclusions. You might think it’s the greatest thing ever.
And that’s just fine.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
Music to His Ears
By Lady Froey
Completed Story
When I first encountered this story, I went through the trouble of reading it without realizing it was incomplete. The material impressed me, and I was looking forward to its completion. At last I can review the story properly. It’s always good to know that some people can keep their promises and finish what they start.
Music to His Ears takes place some ten to fifteen years after what we know of the show, depending upon your headcanon about the characters’ ages. This story takes on an uncommon topic; a case of sexual misidentity. Simply put, Vinyl is a mare… but feels like a stallion. After nearly a year of struggling with the issue, Vinyl finally comes out to his manager and his fiancee, Octavia. The resulting strain leads to complications with Vinyl’s job and life in general.
Lady Froey made a lot of very curious choices here, some of which seemed to be almost pushy in nature. Most of them, however, felt good. For example, Vinyl’s manager is Derpy. This can seem like a big shift; Derpy has gone from being the bumbling mailmare we all know and love to a smart, efficient, capable businesspony with all the necessary responsibility that goes with her new role in life. It felt good to see her elevate herself to something better than her reputation typically offers.
Then you get the obvious choices, ones few would really complain about. Like Lyra and Bonbon being married; c’mon, who doesn’t expect this to happen in 90% of the AUs they’re in, anyway? Seeing them together kept things familiar and was a welcome sight.
And then… there’s Braeburn. Now, I get that there are some people in this fandom who think he’s gay, but Lady Froey took everything we know about him and threw it out the window. Somehow I’m expected to believe that a guy who lives, breathes, eats and sleeps apples and the wild west is going to do a complete 180 and become a totally girly man fashion designer stereotype working in Canterlot. Sorry, not buying it.
I also took issue with the writing style in many ways. Lady Froey is very direct, sometimes using this to great effect and other times… not. One scene that comes readily to mind is after Fancy Pants visits Octavia and Vinyl. Immediately after, Derpy shows up, and they have a conversation that shifts directions so quickly it felt like they were reading from a script. All facts and dialogue, no emotion, and the scene is over before it’s barely even begun.
This kind of issue litters the entire story, and it’s not limited to the filler scenes like that one. Certain scenes that could have been emotional powerhouses fell flat. It felt a lot like Lady Froey didn’t care about describing the moment much and just wanted to get to the dialogue. It’s a shame, because there are a number of scenes that showed the author could put forth the effort needed, but those scenes were few and far in between.
There’s one other thing that bugged me. Lady Froey seems to delight in taking the commonly construed ‘social misfits’ and depicting them as normal and perfectly happy. While there’s nothing wrong with that, it happened so often that it started to feel like a social agenda being pushed rather than an attempt to add spice to the story. Instead of giving the salt a few shakes, she screwed off the lid and dumped it all in. Themes, messages and even social agendas are fine, but I think some moderation would have been a boon here.
Now, having said all of that, I can conclude that I did enjoy the story. Lady Froey targeted a concept that is typically reserved for dumb clop stories and turned it into something serious and worthwhile. It’s nice to see things like this addressed with a sense of realism and intelligence for a change.
I also give kudos to the realism of the story in general. From Vinyl’s struggle to engage in her/his transition and fretting over Octavia’s acceptance to his issues with an overbearing record company, the story felt remarkably down-to-earth. There’s no fantastic moments of magic and mayhem, only two ponies trying to get through life. This is what slice of life stories should be, and I approved wholeheartedly.
I think the only other complaint I have is that the dominant issue of the story was dealt with a little too easily, making room for other topics that didn’t feel so pressing or endearing. Rather than some climactic conclusion, we get a quiet and simple resolution and move on to the happy ending. On the one hand, it works hand-in-hand with the realism I mentioned before. On the other, it’s tragically anticlimactic and left me wishing for something more. It takes what originally seems like a big issue and turns into nothing much after all, which is a big waste of potential.
But hey, if calm and quiet and smooth is what the author wanted, then the story went exactly as planned.
While I don’t approve of every decision Lady Froey made, I’m still glad I read this. It targets a concept in a way I think most writers would be afraid to, and takes it with the seriousness it deserves. Although it didn’t live up to the potential offered, it’s still a step in the right direction.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
The Boy Who Cried Wolf by Inquisitor M
The Things We Do For... by obabscribbler
The Djinni's Tale by Snake Staff (Requested by Snake Staff)
Silent Ponyville by SamRose (Re-Read)
Scent of Roses by Winston (Sequel to First)
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Thursday Reviews VII
Paul's Thursday Reviews VIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews IX
Paul's Thursday Reviews X
Paul's Thursday Reviews XI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XIV
Paul's Thursday Reviews XV
Paul's Thursday Reviews XVI
Want me to review your story? Send me a request! Check my profile page for rules.
Music to His Ears caused me a great deal of consternation, because maybe two days before it went up, I decided that my masterpiece would be about a transgendered Vinyl Scratch living a hard-knock life in Manehattan. And then wouldn't ya know it. But I think it might be different enough for me to do my own take someday.
haha, like I'll ever write anything D:
3570504
Funny, this morning I wrote the first draft of my review for a story that caused me the exact same problem. It's not the first time it happened, either. The good news is that the story is so vastly different from how I planned to approach it that I can only be accused of being a copycat on the topic... though that still frustrates.
Huh. Didn't think you would re-read MotM since the story's almost two years old now. I've pretty much forgotten about it, and I like to think I've grown as a writer since then. This isn't my strongest showing, even considering my older stories, and it shows in the planning I did for it (little).
Probably also should have put more explicitly that, in the beginning, Celestia never tried to claim that Luna was literally her sister. More of a celestial body sister. Sun/moon sister pairing kind of mythological thing. Little late to correct that, though. Ah well.
3570525 Yeah, about the only story I've written that I haven't been worried about the plot having been done before (only better) was my Bolo/MLP crossover.
3570557
If I've got a rating for it, I will re-read it. Age doesn't matter in any way, and that includes for my regular RiL. Come to think of it, The Secret Life of Doors is coming up on my RiL for review soon.
Also, are you going to keep your name as any one thing or am I doomed to having broken links for some of my reviews?
3570633
I'm typically not worried about it unless it's something that seems remarkably uncommon or that I personally have never noticed before. The only two that stepped on my toes in that regard are For Sonnets and Harmony and Duet in the Folk Style.
3570817
Good luck with Secret Lives. That's a particular bit of dumb. I'd recommend staying away from it. (Edit: That is to say, I don't think you'd enjoy it. Nor, probably, would most of your followers).
It's just for Thanksgiving/Christmas, really. Noble Thought is what I'll be going by most of the time. It just gets a little boring sometimes.
And this is an example of why I follow you.
Hey, I appreciate the review and honesty. Safe to say I don't agree with all your points, though I do agree with the brief dialogue scenes, maybe we'll look over them someday.
I am currently writing this fic as a part of a series, so while this story is concluded these characters still have more adventures in the past and future.
Again, thanks a bunch for the review, I really appreciate it!
3570504
You keep bringing this up for some reason everytime the fic is mentioned, weren't you going to read it sometime?
3570954
I am, it's on my thing, I'm just very backed up! D:
(And I keep bringing it up because I keep forgetting that I keep bringing it up, I have a very poor memory which is why I write everything down ;_;)
3570854
Too late, it's been on my list for months and I'm not about to abandon it now. I'll just have to take something 'smarter' next time.
3570954
I might be interested in reading some of those stories. I missed the prequel story you have going until now, so I've added it to my list. Same rules apply; you finish it, it goes into my shortlist!
...which isn't all that short anymore.
3570986
Fair enough, I'll take some of your criticism in mind when I write future chapters.
Just a heads up, The Djinni's Tale is @#$%ing amazing. As in, it's literally my favorite romance on the site, bar none. Apart from the occational typo, the story is a bonafide masterpiece.
3571074
A heads up, I read it over a week ago. The review's just waiting for the release date.
I'm impressed. You actually caught the understated message in my story. Not many did, I think.
On the subject of similar stories: when I was going to publish my latest story, I checked the main page and realized someone had just then posted a story with the same tags and the same cover image I had planned to use (and which had inspired the story to begin with). After reading it, though, I concluded that it wasn't that similar. I still waited a few days to avoid fighting for the spotlight, though.
3571150
Ah, whoops.