• Member Since 31st May, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 2nd, 2020

Snake Staff


A young man working his way through life and writing for fun.

T

In the deserts of Saddle Arabia, an explorer finds more than he bargained for in an ancient tomb.

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 49 )

YES! MORE SNAKE STAFF! THIS IS AWESOME! :rainbowkiss:

Couple of typos:

traps doors leading to cages of venomous snakes had been set up, guardian spirits had been bound
Once again her head, and they made eye contact.

Not that this isn't really promising so far, which is certainly is, but it would be super nice if you could put out some more chapters of Empire and Rebellion. Maybe? Please?

I'll get around to it at some point. I don't get paid for this, so I generally write what I feel like at any given moment.

And this story, for the record, is already written out in advance.

So fare the quality of your story is undisputed, but I am not sure where the story is going at the moment and I am antsy to know what is going to happened next. Knowing you Snake Staff, I can only wander how everything is going to go hell for the protagonist and everypony els...

I can't believe that there will be a guy who don't know of what Djinn is! This is really hilarious!

I'm still not sure about this story so far. For what I can see this Djinni could be be the early manifestation of Celestion of aeon ago, and she seem to have wild mood swing the more he deals with her. The explorer is still shrouded in mystery. My best suggestion for him, if ever she starts to get too difficult to handle it would be best to wish for very simple things and be done with it as soon as possible. there is no uses to keep a mad demigodess on your side. Still, she seem to be a good conversationalist, and in a land with little company, I think could be a good traveling companion. This is starting to intrigue me...

I am surprised at the lack of attention this story is getting! The manner in which it is written is undeniably awesome and the storyline itself is quite intriguing. I look forward to reading what comes next! Keep up the good work, man!

Great Chapter! I'm enjoying the story so far. I gotta ask, though, why are there so many dislikes? Does somebody have it out for SnakeStaff or something? Seesh.

I quite like the overall tone of the piece.

A few comments though, as per our agreement:

A few lines seem "out of place".

For example, the mention of "the odd pickpocket" combined with the first sentence of the chapter seems to suggest that multiple attempts were made on the stranger soon after he entered town. Not sure if that's what you were going for

The part with the scorpions feels, I dunno, oddly specific -- it's too specific to be a "general statement" about the trip through the desert, but because the scene isn't really fleshed out, it also feels kind of "telly". It might be better either extended and elaborated on, or removed completely. I'm not sure if knowing that the traveler was attacked by scorpions in particular, as opposed to, say, the more general "desert creatures", really does anything for the reader (unless the scorpions have some later plot significance).

Other than that, I really liked your portrayal of the genie, especially the strange disconnect between her "mechanical" behavior initially and her more... equine? behavior afterwards.

Again you writ great stories. This chapter was much more interesting this time, after all the buildup that has lead to this I am happy to see some action in this story. Still, I would worried about this mare power even if she clam to have his best inters at heart my. Apatite for this story is growing and I am look forward to the next chapter...

Interesting story. The subtle build-up to the release of the genie is particularly well done, the atmosphere of the tomb is well-described.

Prediction: The genie is/will become Celestia at the end.

Wow. This story is getting really deep. I love the way your characters interact with each other. It feels real, you know? I can't wait to see what comes next! Is there a place I can find the whole story or must I be patient?

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Yeah you're right, the story is getting deep the more it processes.

I am really out of my league here, and I don't know if my comment are even worth a damn here, other than it gets better and better as it moves along.

I'm no good at giving reviews but I am enjoying how this story is progressing. As the others that have commented said it does feel real. The characters click well together even if one is as old as the sun. I am enjoying it thus far.

What happens next? WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!

6436112 hmm, interesting concept that has a good chance of working out!

NOOOOOOOO! Well, I mean, rather be annihilated than be left in isolation for centuries... But, I guess she'd have her reasons, it would be taunting to just, y'know, basically kill yourself.

Sunlight Sparkle! I knew it! *eyes shift back and forth untruthfully*

Aww man, I was sure he was going to wish the entire world into the lamp or something, and that's where Celestia came from. Well, a thousand and one lifetimes is not enough to spend, I hope those two have a story with no end.

A wonderful read sir Snake Staff, I tilt my hat for you.

Well that as an interesting ride, I'm still confused if there was more to this than just a stallion how met a jinn. the conclusion was a nice surprise doe. Are you planing something more from this or is it just something that you don't have any intension of continuing?

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I'm toying with the idea of doing a continuation sometime in the future. However, that's more a long-term project for the moment.

That was just wonderful, I really enjoyed this, I enjoyed it so much as soon as I'd finished I went through it again (always the sign of a good story). I loved the mystery around 'the stranger' I made sure I was paying close attention when he told Djinni his name and then didn't notice that he didn't... I don't know how you did that but it worked so well. The romance through the stroy felt so real, not so much about love but about time spent and memory's made together. Djinni is such a great character, I can just picture her in my head and hear her voice, the scene as she comes down the waterfall really made me smile. The imagery you used in the final chapter when they were talking and playing chess was brilliant!... I think just one more time though today, thank you for this wonderful story, I'm very interested in seeing how this continues if you do some time down the line... maybe a more detailed description of one of their adventures?

*bows*

This is amazing. Best romance I've read in a while, and it's with OCs! In fact, this is probably going onto my userpage as one of my top four. I might even edit it for you, once I have time, as there are a few typos here and there.

Wonderful story. It had a really good flow and interesting characters, though I wish more detail was given is some spots in the middle. It definitely left me wanting to know more about their story, both past and future.

A most excellent romance. Comes out at #12 on my favorite stories list.

But why can't he just wish for her to keep him company forever?

So far, a great start. I'm looking forward to diving deeper. :rainbowdetermined2:

As I understand it, this stranger is the first pony in-universe to discover (or rediscover, if even legends of her existence have faded away) Djinni. I'm willing to buy that, and so his actions this chapter, which many may consider overreactions, prove that the guy is decently intelligent to put self-preservation first. Particularly since I can believe the other spirits mentioned could entirely exist.

This is really good. Hankering to know his name, though.

When she wished to be the most powerful mage in all the world…”
She hesitated a moment before continuing. “She failed to specify which world,” the tall mare sighed and hung her head. “There are many worlds in this system alone, master. In an instant I placed her on an airless rock and proclaimed her the most powerful wielder of magic on it. A few moments later…”

Note to self: upon uncovering lost wish-granting ethereal being, one must specify "on Earth" when wishing for dominance / other in regards to status on this planet. Man, if Genie had done this to Jafar...

“What did we already discuss, master?” She lowered her head such that her muzzle stood mere centimeters from his. It felt like sticking one’s face right next to a raging bonfire. “We wouldn’t want you to end up like my first master, would we? So I suggest you leave the topic be, for the sake of your health.”

You know, for someone who claims to be unable to hurt their master, she sure makes a lot of vicious threats. Are they truly empty?

What had happened to "I cannot harm you. It is forbidden."?

Ah, glad you brought this up in-story. I would have disliked to call "plothole" on you.

So, let's see some wishmaking! Be sure to choose your words wisely, stranger.

“Why?” he asked, deciding the direct approach might yield results. “You are a slave, imprisoned unjustly for uncounted years. I am merely the latest to stumble on you by chance. What is my happiness to you?”
“Mine,” she answered.

I suspect... well, I'm sure I'll see.

Twin suns set over a scene of endless desert.

I see what you did there.

Wow. Just wow. The sheer imagination going into this.

Tears fell gently from the spirit’s cheeks, glinting briefly in the moon’s pale light.

So when shall we see our dancing devil?

I am actually crying right now. For total realzies. That was an absolutely beautiful and selfless thing to wish for.

He managed to haul himself onto the beach, shivering and muttering unmentionable things about spirits and the nature of their mothers.

Tee hee. :trollestia:

Her scream almost shook the island.
Cheeks flush, the sun spirit shut her eyes. A second later, steam burst from all over her body as she reignited her extinguished tail and mane. They noticeably contained a touch of red amidst the gold and orange.

And so the sun fragment approaches the end of her life... or at least her current tenure of servitude.

umbrum

Way to bring the comics into the story. That's kinda cool.

“What possessed you that you would poke at red and black crystals?!” Djinni yelled. “They were red and black, for Creator’s sake! You know that means bad things!”

I also see what you did there.

I admit I saw this coming. That makes it no easier.

They did things more suited to ponies decades younger, laughed and cried, set the master bed on fire during lovemaking, and made this last night one that both would remember for eons to come.

Wow. I guess I'd never considered that they might be capable of that. Her being a spirit and all.

I teared up again a little before, but now I just have a contented smile.
Checkmate, Snake.

Absolutely stunning. One of the best Adventure/Romance fics of our time.

I had high hopes for you when I read Together Forever. I knew you had the potential to become a great writer. But I underestimated even my own expectations there. You have become a phenomenal writer, and I am honoured to follow you.

Well done. Very well done indeed.

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Note to self: upon uncovering lost wish-granting ethereal being, one must specify "on Earth" when wishing for dominance / other in regards to status on this planet.

Wich Earth ? There could be several, even in other WAY less pleasant dimensions. What about being the most powerfull being on Earth...in a eternal fire universe ?

There is ALWAYS a way to twist a wish. Watch "The Wish Master´s", a very good terror movie.

6449483 THOUGH THE EXACTLY SAME THING !!!!!

6735076
When I think of wish twisting, my mind heads right to Bedazzled with Brendan Fraser and Liz Hurley. God, I love that movie.
Perhaps "The Earth on which I have resided all my natural life" would cover it.

6735849
Of course then she could just strip the magic from everyone else, leaving you the most powerful magic wielder by default. Then, since everyone else includes the ones moving the sun and moon, the entire planet perishes horribly in an ecological catastrophe.

Oops.

I reviewed this story!

My review can be found here.

UNLIMITED COSMIC POWER.
itty bitty living space.

I bet his brother is going to be surprised by his estate all that treasure from his adventures piling up over the years.

6736305 Assuming we're talking about the djinn in this story, though, that'd be wildly out of character. She doesn't want the world to be plunged into death, because she likes roaming it!
That said, the best way to make a djinn wish would probably be to be a lawyer, write up a contract and have the djinn follow the exact stipulations in accordance with the entire contract as it currently reads. Also, everything would need to be well defined - every single effing word, or else she'll find a way to twist something.
In regards to being the most powerful, I'd go with 'I wish to have more magical power than the most-magically powerful being alive or dead, in relation to his or her or its power at the time he or she or it was most powerful'.
... What is magical power, though... And would specifying being able to control it count as another wish?

7025655
No, a galaxy far, far away...

@Snake Staff

I will say this about the story: From what I've seen of it, (I've yet to read it all the way through, by the way), It's written well and if given a chance, it could make for an animated special on YouTube. The fact that it involves OCs is a nice touch.

That said, I could tell what kind of characters I was going to get with this. We have a milquetoast explorer who's just a bit awkward. While he is capable of standing up for himself (and he does, at times), he finds himself all but beholden to a female djinn who embodies the "I have a heart and I care for those I love. but, I'm not going to show that because that would make me look weak. By the way, I totally don't consider you as someone I love, idiot." coupled with the "I'M IMMORTAL! THEREFORE, i KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING AND BECAUSE i'M IMMORTAL, I'M AUTOMATICALLY BETTER THAN ANY OF YOU MORTALS, IN EVERY WAY. I'm also above criticism, so even if you call me out for the things that I say or do, I don't have to listen to anything you say. Even if you are the one who discovered my lamp and became my master, I'm going to talk down to you like some random slave and you're just going to have to take it." archetype (genie or otherwise) that I've seen in various kinds of fiction, before.


I realize that this story has already been written and published. But, if such a story ever gets a continuation, the characterization of both these 2 needs serious work,

...was I the only one who got the impression that Djini is Celestia and that the final wish was one that set her free from imprisonment but still immortal, bound to the sun, and serving Ponies? It's possible the notion got into my head early on and colored how I read the story, but I feel as if that's where this took me. The first time I remember thinking about it is when she's described - "wings and horn are impossible" and such - followed by the sun being guided by a team of unicorns.

Of course that would offer zero explanation for Luna though the light of the moon being a reflection of the sun would be a good comparison to sisters...eh. It's what I was thinking at least, whether or not it was intentional.

The Wellspring of Eternity? you mean my vacation spot every October. :rainbowwild::trollestia::moustache:

So I assume this means that he used his final wish to join her for all eternity.

Good on ya sunlight good on ya :twilightsmile:

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