You've Gotta Stand Up Tall

arachnidsGrip

arachnidsGrip #1 · Nov 1st, 2013 · · ·

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flinged should 8e flung. Otherwise, I didn't notice anything gl8ringly wrong.
EDIT: First, first first.

Jioplip

Jioplip #2 · Nov 1st, 2013 · · ·

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3430425 Got it, I'll be sure to fix it.

And THANK YOU! I was in such suspense for a comment.

arachnidsGrip

arachnidsGrip #3 · Nov 2nd, 2013 · · ·

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3430562 I'm surprised. You've got 40 followers, and only I have commented on this story, even though it's 8een out for over 8 hours.
Also, Why is th8re no :P emoticon equivalent? It would fit 8etter than trollestia does, IMO.

Jioplip

Jioplip #4 · Nov 2nd, 2013 · · ·

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3432324 Yeah... it seems the majority of my followers haven't read the story, judging by the 24 views it's gotten.

P.S. Well, we have a , but it's not quite the same...

arachnidsGrip

arachnidsGrip #5 · Nov 2nd, 2013 · · ·

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3432334 24 out of 40 isn't a minority. 16 out of 40 is, however. I'd s8y that a majority of your followers have read this story, unless 5 or more of them got non-followers to read it, which I dou8t.

Cerulean Voice

Cerulean Voice #6 · Nov 21st, 2013 · · ·

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This review is proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.

Grammar score (out of ten): 6

Pros (main praises):

1)

"When I was a little filly and the sun was going down...

DAT INTRO. I got chills right off the bat.
2) I love how Pinkie isn't just portrayed as a fandom-stereotypical insane murderer; she's simply defeating the demons around and inside her. She takes no pleasure from it, yet acknowledges that it must be done.
3) Granny Pie is bad. Ass.

Cons (main criticisms):

1) The grammar needs a lot of work; in particular, there's an over-saturation of "speech/said *insert speaker*/speech." This is best used sparingly, not with every section of dialogue.
2) If the monsters are so scary and threatening, why does one willingly stand there, offering itself as a little girl's practice kill?
3) Yes, it's a short one-shot. Yes, it was an impulsive write. Still, even a short story like this one needs appropriate pacing. This fic moved too fast for my liking, with awkward transitions.

Notes:

An interesting little take on the "Giggle at the Ghostly" song. I enjoyed it, short and sweet that it was. It really rushed past though, everything just happened so fast. I heartily suggest you find an editor to take care of this story; it could have been so much better if I wasn't jarred every thirty words or so. Still, commendable effort, especially for a single sitting.

I wish my grandmother had taught me how to kill shit when I was a kid. Then, I could have put up with her slobbering all over my cheek whenever I saw her

All in all, it was alright. Nothing spectacular, but again, you did pump this one out rather rapidly. Here are some suggestions:

Slow down
take your time
re-read your story at least five times from top to bottom, fixing every mistake you find
read it once more for good measure
get someone else to read it five times and fix every mistake they find
then publish it.

Today, you get my like. You may earn my favourite at a later date, once you get this tidied up a bit.

Final score: 6.5/10

I hope you like the review, I can be a bit cruel sometimes. I await the conclusion of your—unnecessarily-detailed but nevertheless greatly-appreciated—review of my story, Keeper of the Crystal Heart.

Jioplip

Jioplip #7 · Nov 21st, 2013 · · ·

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3519293 Alright then, critical response time!

Pros:
1- Why thank you.
2- Yeah, I definitely wanted to portray Pinkie with some real depth, so I'm glad that seems to have worked.
3- Eeyup. And why is there so much fanfiction with Starswirl when Granny Pie is a character who is probably still alive?

Cons:
1- I'll be sure to work on that when I get around to rewriting this.
2- I think I mentioned that it was currently impaled to the ground... Evidently I didn't stress that part enough.
3- I know. I definitely need to re-work the pacing in the rewrite.

Notes:
Hey, if you know a good editor...

But in all seriousness, while I probably won't get around to fixing this story this year, I'll definitely have to do it before I release the first main-series entry of this... Series.

Repitition.

But I'll definitely take your advice when I get to it. I'll get an editor, revise the flow, add a less embarrassing level of detail, and fix up that 'he said-she said' problem.

Thanks for taking the time to show me my problems.

Cerulean Voice

Cerulean Voice #8 · Nov 21st, 2013 · · ·

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3519638
Re: Con #2
Wow, how'd I miss that? Maybe it's just not clear enough. If you're gonna tag your story with "mature" and "gore", you might as well mention something about the monster being impaled on the pole, which is stuck in the ground.
Or something.

Jioplip