Paul's Thursday Reviews XI · 6:27pm Oct 15th, 2015
For those of you who didn't read my blog last Sunday due to a fear of spoilers, let it be known that I am planning to release a new story on Halloween that isn't The Silence. That project has been pushed back a couple weeks in favor of a new story, which will be more directly linked to Nightmare Night.
"What is it?", you may ask. Another entry in my Sweet to Eat horror series? Another Them short story? Hah! I offer naught but a cheeky grin and amusement at your uncertainty. I have already selected my three pre-readers/editors, although one has yet to respond to my request at all. Regardless, I will soon start work on this special story. Since I'm going to be focusing 100% on it and can't say with any confidence how long it will be (although I'm gunning for 15,000 words), the story might interfere with the schedule of my other projects.
Fortunately I'll be back at my apartment next week, where the desk is comfortable, the internet moves faster than 15 kb/s (not an exagerration) and I can actively chat on Skype again, and all of this should allow me back into the productive writing rate I am long accustomed to.
But enough of that: to the reviews!
Stories for This Week:
The Assassination of Twilight Sparkle by Rated Ponystar
Listen and Learn by the parasprite
Night Rose by Grand_Moff_Pony (Patreon Accelerated Review)
Eternity by RainbowBob (Re-Read)
Wealth Granted from Generosity by Whateverdudezb (Sequel to Truth Earned from Honesty)
Total Word Count: 53,285
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 1
Not Bad: 0
None: 0
This story came to my attention specifically because I am interested in reading Aftermath of a Fallen Star. Unfortunately, said story wasn’t finished yet, and since I prefer to read my stories in order regardless, I decided I would read The Assassination of Twilight Sparkle. This would let me know everything from the beginning and give Rated Ponystar time to work on the sequel. Sadly, Aftermath isn’t finished, and I question if it ever will be. Care to defend yourself, Ponystar? 
Trixie disapproves of your pace.
In all honesty, when I saw the title I had my doubts. Yes, the story was tagged with gore (which I feel is an exaggeration) and tragedy, and the cover art is certainly ominous, but I could help but suspect this would be one giant meta statement along the lines of:
Fortunately, my fears were disproven. This is a very serious look at how Twilight’s potential murder at the hooves of her own subjects would affect Celestia. The story begins with the revelation that Celestia has sequestered herself away from public view for four months as she mourns, until Luna finally arrives to knock some sense into her. Realizing that it is time to say goodbye, Celestia journeys to Twilight’s grave. As this is happening we get a number of flashbacks, including the discovery of Twilight’s body, the trial and the funeral.
The first chapter left me dubious. I didn’t feel like the emotions of Celestia and Luna were being properly delivered. If anything, they felt forced. As time went by and the story continued, things got better (in a manner of speaking) fairly quickly. However, even though the story proved to be quite emotional, I can’t help but wonder if my reaction was simply due to the seriousness of the events rather than how they were written.
Still, this story was solid. Celestia’s pain is very real, as are her reactions to those around her. Although I’m not fond of flashbacks, Rated Ponystar used them effectively. I especially liked the chapter starring Twilight Velvet; more than any other, that was a powerful scene.
There was one moment that made me cringe, and that was Rated Ponystar’s decision to use an image in the middle of Chapter 4. I know I’m in the minority with this, but I never approve of pictures in stories. For one, seeing a picture in the middle of a story tells me that the author felt his words were subpar, that they needed a crutch to get things done right. It’s a sign of weakness in my eyes. Second, such pictures never evoke any emotion from me. Pictures should tell their own story, not supplement them. If I were to see a picture like this on its own, without any story surrounding it, then I might get emotional because my mind forms its own ideas. Used in this way, the ideas are instead forced into my head, and then the picture loses a huge amount of impact.
But again, this is my interpretation, and I’m reasonably sure there are a lot more who disagree with that opinion. As such, I suppose I can understand why most would ignore it.
The Assassination of Twilight Sparkle is a good story, but to be honest, I feel it could have been something more. It’s hard to put my finger on exactly what it lacked, and I apologize for not being able to specify anything. But it’s still a good story, and I am glad to have read it. Now I just have to hope that someday, in the distant future after SkyNet has fallen and mankind has travelled where no man has gone before, that Aftermath will be concluded so that I may review it as well.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
This story was… difficult. Both because and not because of the content. The idea behind it is simple: Rainbow Dash finally decides to confess to being a fillyfooler to her friends, and we get to see their reactions. And their reactions are varying degrees of normal, if by ‘normal’ you think purely in the standards of the real world and not the fluffy world of Equestria.
And therein lies the big problem with this fic: it takes place in Equestria.
The first thing you have to do to accept this story is throw out everything you know about Rainbow Dash’s character. None of it applies here, save in a few remote, loose ways. Rainbow may as well have been an OC for how completely unrecognizable she is. She’s become a self-destructive wreck, wallowing in her own misery and being spiteful even to those who have only the best intentions. She is, simply put, emotionally unstable to the point of being a danger to herself and others.
I’m not saying this is bad characterization. Indeed, I’ve seen stories that make fantastic, brilliant use of characters like this. But that’s not Rainbow Dash. To really make this work, the parasprite would have to have spent time showing Rainbow’s steady decline into something she’s not, or devote effort to really telling us why Rainbow’s become what she is. The author does make a small effort to look back at things, but it’s far too little for such a huge personality change in a character as well-established as Rainbow.
Now let’s look at her friends. To be fair, I think their reactions made sense given their individual characterizations and some common interpretations. Twilight fumbles with logic and history in a futile attempt to let knowledge ease the problem; Applejack tries and fails to hide her homophobia; Rarity is supportive but anxious; Fluttershy is traumatized considering their foalhood friend status; and Pinkie is, of course, largely accepting. The Pinkie topic is actually a major source of my disappointment in this story, because her attempt to be open and accepting goes completely rejected by Rainbow, who responds to her understanding and attempts to help with abuse and violence. Wasn’t understanding and help the whole goal and reason she invited them to her home in the first place?
But looking at their reactions, it reveals the second major thing you have to do to accept this story: you have to forget about the fandom-wide views of Equestria. Most fans take Equestria’s views of friendship and harmony to its emotional and logical end-point, which is total acceptance. That means nobody cares about your sexual preferences. This view has become so widespread that most accept it without even a second thought, so to see a story where this is blatantly and intentionally thrown out the window is jarring.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The subject of homosexuality’s acceptance in Equestria has come up in a number of stories to great effectiveness, and I would argue that this story did a good job of it. It just requires – with curious irony – that the normal MLP fan be open-minded on the subject as it pertains to Equestria’s fandom-established culture.
Overall opinion? I think Listen and Learn is a good story on the whole. It’s depressing, true, as it is largely a showpiece for self-destruction, but it’s a (mostly) well-written story with good characterization and impact. The only problem is that it’s the wrong characterization. This story would have been far better served if it had focused on OCs or if the author had taken more time to document Rainbow’s descent. If it had been written as an original fiction, I probably wouldn’t have had any problem with it at all.
But for your regular MLP fan? Your milage may vary.
Bookshelf: Worth It
GMP’s second requested review from me focuses on Night Rose, a tale of a mare who longs to embrace the passion of flamenco dancing. After years of training and patience, she finally makes a trip to the heart of the flamenco dance scene: Marecelona and its legendary dance hall, Tablao Rosa.
In a way, this story is as traditional as it is well known: a mysterious visitor to a vibrant city, a moment of impassioned dancing leading to a night of lust and vigor, followed by an empty bedside and fond memories of the butterfly that flew in like a hurricane and left just as quickly. We’ve all heard this story before. Some of us may have even lived it. Yet that doesn’t make the story any less riveting. GMP brings Roseluck’s night of flight alive with vivid descriptions and a constant energy, letting us live the night life as she does.
There were a few moments that I questioned. There was that moment of exposition that took away from the energy of the scene, or the way that lone older mare never received more than a passing thought. But those are tiny gripes. I thoroughly enjoyed this story, and I look forward to seeing what else GMP has to offer.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Eternity
By RainbowBob
Re-Read
Previous Rating: Pretty Good
This story by the ever-witty and creative RainbowBob targets one of the big mysteries of the My Little Pony canon universe: Discord’s origins. In this rendition, Discord is not only not of Equestria, he’s not of normal, comprehensible existence. He is literally the son of a black hole and a galaxy, immortal members of an unfeeling, aloof race who seek only to spread entropy and bring about the slow, inevitable end of all existence. And Discord? He’s their spoiled teenager of a son, only a few million million years old, who refuses to grow up and embrace his destiny – which, it just so happens, would involve destroying Equestria as a right of passage.
RainbowBob takes a classic situation and turns it into something new. The story of a person defying the traditions and views of his family and being an outcast for it is nothing original, but Eternity puts it on a vast new scale. The traits of Discord’s family are at once plainly visible yet also incomprehensible:
His father snorted, the hole torn into space appearing to divulge a half-smile. But it didn’t reach his eyes, possibly because he didn't have any.
This story requires no small amount of imagination from the reader. The primary pre-requisite is the ability to translate humanity from voids with truly alien means of self-expression. As such, the reader had best be prepared for a bit of whimsical (and sometime verbose) narrative. The writing itself is entertaining, but again: go in with an open mind.
Yet underlying the playful nature of the writing style is a certain sense of worry, an understanding that Discord is so great and mighty and inconceivable a being that, should he ever decide to ‘grow up,’ Equestria is truly and inescapably screwed. This makes the final scene – a scene as normal and unassuming as it can be in the Equestria setting – all the more effective. One realizes that Fluttershy has not only reformed Discord, but has endeared him. Discord’s misunderstanding of friendship comes not from being unpleasant or strange, but from being part of a race that almost can’t comprehend the concept, and has no desire to try. Discord is a black sheep, a pariah because of his unfortunate capacity for feeling, and friendship may be the only thing keeping him that way.
It makes you wonder what will happen when Fluttershy inevitably kicks the bucket.
I enjoyed this story. On the surface, it is a very simple tale of a youth on the edge of adulthood who just won’t accept his responsibilities. Beneath that, and perhaps unintentionally, it is frightening and thought provoking.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
I am disappointed. No, I don’t mean in the story. Here I am, having read about Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity…
And there’s still no Fluttershy story. What the hay, Whateverdudezb? You’ve had a few months now. I wanna see Adorable Yellow Pony as a demi-goddess, damn it!
Ahem
Wealth Granted from Generosity follows the restaurateur Thrift Spender, a pony who knows a lot about giving and not much about receiving. One busy night after hours, he is set upon by a lost mare seeking directions and, instead of giving them and risking her getting lost again, he personally guides her home. This innocuous act of charity sets him on a minor adventure as he finds himself travelling all over the unnamed city that is his home in pursuit of a white cat with golden paws and a silver tail.
The first thing I’ll note is that Whateverdudezb once again proves his skill at vivid description. Where the previous two stories focused on open spaces and beautiful scenery, Wealth instead targets the urban sprawl. It pulls no punches either, at once depicting the majestic splendor of civilization without neglecting the dirty layers of abandoned alleyways and decrepit housing.
And of course, the arrival of Rarity was a treat of descriptive prowess. I loved her overall depiction, which was just as effective as those of Applejack and Rainbow Dash previously. Though clearly escalated to divinity, with all the prestige and respect that entails, she is still very clearly Rarity, with all the indulgence and pomp that entails. While I’ve noted in the past that Twilight and Fluttershy often vie for my praise as Best Mane 6, I have always been of the firm belief that Rarity is the best character. This depiction of her didn’t disappoint.
That being said, I felt this story’s focus was a strange. To be precise, Wealth is a lot more devoted to worldbuilding than the personal troubles of Thrift Spender. Where Rainbow Dash’s story focused on her role as a divine being hoofing out advice, and Applejack’s story centered on a mare’s lifelong work towards redemption, Rarity’s seems almost completely set towards telling the reader about Equestria. The first third of the story is about Thrift Spender’s journey (so to speak) to see Rarity, which is great, but then we get another third-to-half of the story just devoted to Rarity talking to the daughters of Celestia and Luna. It’s almost like Thrift Spender isn’t part of the story anymore. Then, only when the two royals finally leave the scene, do we get to Thrift again.
On the one hand, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Worldbuilding is a great thing, and Whateverdudezb did it wonderfully through no exposition whatsoever. We figure out what Spike’s been up to, as well as the nature of the Elements return with a little more detail, and learn a little more about the princesses themselves. There’s a ton of information wrapped in this part of the story and it’s a delight to read. But it also feels like one long, extreme tangent. I think the author may even have been aware of the issue, because right when we get back to Thrift Spender we are given a lengthy, multi-paragraph exposition summarizing everything that he’s been through in this night, as if the author feared we would forget.
If you’re okay with tangents and worldbuilding at the expense of the story’s ‘point,’ then it’s great. If you’re the type who wants to get on with the (supposed) main character’s problem? Not so much.
Also, the writing style, while definitely vivid, also invites the same pitfalls that Whateverdudezb seems determined to remain in. Specifically: too many words. A solid example:
Due to their position near the balcony's edge, Rarity did not fully commit to circling around Thrift entirely, instead only stopping when she reached opposite from where she had started.
Now there’s a sentence that could use some cleaning up. It might give a clear picture, but how many of those words could be removed without any loss of clarity? This kind of thing runs rampant throughout the story, and for the more nitpicky readers it will be a definite problem. If you got through the previous two installments of the series then you’ll be fine.
All in all, I found this story a delight to read. The issues I took with it are minor hiccups, and the lessons learned in description and worldbuilding definitely elevate the story a step above. Still, the lack of focus and continued issues with verbosity mean it isn’t quite as good as it’s predecessor. Regardless of these issues, I would still highly recommend it. Maybe now that much of the worldbuilding parts have been dealt with, future stories and be a bit more character focused.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week:
Infallible by Pegasus Rescue Brigade
The Hoodie by Octavia Harmony
The Kindest Silence by horizon (2nd Place entry of Skeeter the Lurker's Switcheroo contest)
Rainbow Rocks by Twinkletail (Re-Read)
Princess Celestia: The Changeling Queen by vren55
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Thursday Reviews II
Paul's Thursday Reviews III
Paul's Thursday Reviews IV
Paul's Belated Thursday Reviews I
Paul's Thursday Reviews V
Paul's Thursday Reviews VI
Paul's Thursday Reviews VII
Paul's thursday Reviews VIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews IX
Paul's Thursday Reviews X
Yes aftermath will have an ending. There are 8 to 9 chapters left
3472265
Good to know!
Thanks for the review!
Thank you for the reviews, I really do enjoy the quality of yours over others. I do admit that my style of writing indulges me in overly-verbose descriptions, but I find that I enjoy these descriptions, so I most likely won't stop with the style anytime soon.
Also, yes, I was quite aware with the issue of the overly-long time with the royals at the time. I didn't expect their part in the story to last so long and when I discovered how much they were taking up the story I was quite unwilling to remove weeks of work because of an extended length with them, so I decided to include a few 'up-to-speed' paragraphs when their part in the story ended.
Finally, I'm sorry to say that you're going to have wait quite a few more months for Fluttershy's story. Her installment comes after Spike's, which is currently two-thirds of the way done after months of struggling to write about the large dragon.
3472444
You are more than welcome.
Clearly we are very different kind of writers. In the 'quality vs. quantity' debate, I've always favored quantity in my writing. Of course, that could be why I'm only an 'above average' writer, rather than an exceptional one. Keep doing what you're doing, and I will keep my fingers crossed that you may succeed in writing the entire series before going the way of Robert Jordan.