Paul's Thursday Reviews XV · 5:30pm Nov 12th, 2015
Despite my recent success, I am troubled by the knowledge that I am barely keeping up with my writing responsibilities – while planning for a third story to release soon! With this starting to weigh down on me, I figure it's only fair to let people know I'm strongly considering extending my schedules to allow for more writing time. At the moment, the fastest-updating story is Order of Shadows at a chapter a week, which I considered necessary since it's destined to be huge. As things are going, I may increase that to a week-and-a-half, with similar changes to the updates for my other stories.
I really hate to do this. It feels like I've failed at something I'm generally pretty good at. But alas, real life won't stop getting in the way, and until I can find a way to escape the needless burdens I presently face it may be inevitable. I will be sure to update my schedule later should I feel the need.
Enough of that frustration. Reviews!
Stories for This Week:
Insomnia by Pale Horse
Discord in Hell (Not Literally) by alarajrogers
Monsters by JawJoe (Requested by JawJoe)
I Missed You by LightningBass94 (Re-Read)
Carry On by Viking ZX (Side Story to The Dusk Guard: Rise)
Total Word Count: 145,566
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 1
Not Bad: 1
None: 0
How curious that I just read a story about Twilight sending a letter to Celestia, and now I read one that reverses the role. But unlike the doubt and grief of Twilight, this story is filled with potential regrets and great hope. Insomnia’s cover might suggest something comical, but it is anything but. It is nothing more or less than Celestia writing a letter to her faithful student friend, recalling past regrets, offering some sage advice for a budding young princess and, above all else, expressing eternal gratitude.
I liked this. While the whole “Celestia is just like everypony else” vibe is a fairly common shtick, this story does it not by highlighting the regrets of rule or the terrors of eternal life. It does bring these topics up, but it chooses not to dwell on them, instead preferring to merely point them out and offer a pleasant reminder that there are good times with the bad. It’s a much more balanced approach, threading guilt and worry with hope and trust. All in all, it’s very refreshing.
More interesting to me; this is the first story I’ve read that really addresses Celestia’s view of Twilight in a way that feels real. It’s not some wise ruler praising her student, or a secret admirer, or a teacher trying to keep things at Twilight’s level. Most stories take on this subject by either going for a comedy route, an ‘everymare’ route, or the ‘she’ll still a princess’ route. No, this is another pony talking to a friend – legitimately. There’s no royal aloofness or regality as she falls into her mentor role, nor is there an attempt to use ‘everyday’ talk to try and make her feel ‘normal.’ It’s just Celestia, being as natural as a pony in her position can naturally be.
In summation, this is some really good characterization.
Unless, of course, you like aloof Celestia, “I’m normal just like you” Celestia, or “silly pony princess” Celestia. If that’s the case, this may not be so good for you.
There were a few mistakes here and there in the writing, but I don’t particularly mind. The mistakes may be exempted from overcriticism specifically because this is a letter personally penned (um, quilled?) by Celestia. It’s a rough draft, something she wrote to settle her mind and distract. Mistakes are to be expected.
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. It might not wow in a lot of ways but, in terms of Celestia’s character, it impressed me. Please continue, dear author.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Curiosity, thou hath plagued me again.
Discord in Hell (Not Literally) is yet another ‘letter’ piece, but this one is far darker than the previous. To sum it up swiftly, Discord decided to go to another universe to have some ‘fun,’ because if he had his brand of fun in his own then Fluttershy would get mad and he might even start to feel guilty. He chooses to go to a dimension where he is dead, just so he doesn’t have to deal with himself, but fails to note that the reason he would be dead is because something was powerful enough to kill him. Now he’s been captured and undergoes constant torture by a group of Element Bearers who have been warped to unspeakable levels of corruption, and who are trying to break him into becoming and obedient, living weapon. In a last act of desperation, he creates a letter to the Twilight of his own world to beg for help. Whether he manages to get that letter to her or not is never answered.
If you’re a big fan of dark stories, you’ll consider this a treat. I consider myself to be one, but not that big. I prefer my dark stories to serve a purpose, and I honestly don’t see one here – except perhaps to just detail Discord’s pain. Which is exactly what it does. Simply put, this is not a pleasant experience in any way. I wouldn’t even call it creative – although the means of Discord’s breaking the rules of his new world are certainly resourceful.
But aside from that, I felt no actual horror from this story. Discord’s manner of writing is rather technical and precise, and I had a hard time feeling the emotion in him despite the profoundly torturous things that he describes happening to him. The big problem with a lot of dark stories such as this is that after reading so many of them, you begin to grow numb to the horror of the acts themselves… which means that the writer must learn to channel emotion really well. While I can’t say precisely how it could be done, I think the author could have been a little more experimental in the style of the story as a whole.
There were other matters I didn’t care for about the story, starting with its length. Am I really meant to believe that a desperate, near-broken Discord with barely enough magic left to keep himself alive would spend the excruciating amount of time it would take to write his plea in 7,500 words? Not likely; even a thousand would be stretching it. And for all the pain and misery he’s in, his writing is extremely calm and articulate. And if he really believes this universe’s evil Celestia intends to make him an inter-dimensional weapon, why would he keep saying over and over again that he doesn’t think Twilight will bother to help him (aside from general defeatism, which under the circumstances is kinda understandable).
But y’know what? My curiosity is piqued. There’s a prequel out there I intend to read, and eventually alarajrogers might finish a story in which the good Mane 6 attempt to rescue him. I want to read both, because as much as I didn’t care for this story, the potential in the concept is significant and I want to see if the author can do anything with it.
But this story?
Bookshelf: Not Bad
JawJoe first noticed me when I offered some scathing criticisms of the plot in Twiilight Sparkle: Night Shift, and he later asked me if I could act as a plot assistant for the coming prequel, Monsters. I eagerly accepted, and helped redirect a large number of things in the development of the story’s plot. Once we’d hammered out a general rough draft of the story, I left him to complete it in his own way.
Now, at long last, I get to read the finished product, and oh, what a product it is.
In Monsters, Luna’s betrayal was a fortnight-long event referred to as “The Longest Night.” The story takes the concept of Nightmare Moon to its dark extremes of brutality, bloodshed and depravity. All her Night Guards were also possessed by the evil and thus went on rampages of their own. After Celestia finally realized she could not reach her sister and banished her, the Night Guards were cured and sought repentance. Seeking to both be rid of them and make us of them, Celestia purged Luna’s influence from their souls and made them into the Equestrian Bureau for State Security; the secret police.
The story takes place twenty years after The Longest Night, following the stories of Swift Sweep – a reformed Night Guard working in the EBSS – and New Page – a scholarly pegasus determined to know more about the Longest Night. New Page quickly finds herself unwillingly caught up in a Nightmare Moon worshipping cult, and Swift Sweep is the one assigned to track her actions as a result. The story gets complicated from that point on, and I won’t bother to spoil things by trying to describe it any further.
There are some things that JawJoe just can’t seem to get away from. The opening chapters are loaded with exposition, some vital and some not, and throughout the story he finds it necessary to go on whole paragraphs of explanation we often don’t need. Out of all the things that JawJoe could do wrong, this is the one he always ends up with, and when it shows up it’s always glaring to me. It’s like he doesn’t expect the readers to be capable of realizing how certain things throughout the story are connected – which, given some commentary I’ve received in my own stories, isn’t necessarily wrong. But even so, I felt these moments could have been handled in a smoother fashion.
And that… is it. I have nothing else negative to say. Sweeping that aside, JawJoe gives us a powerful story involving guilt, the desire for redemption and the difficult definition of good vs. evil. The greatest thing about this story is the blurring of distinctive lines; the protagonists have performed just as many terrible deeds as the bad guys, and the only difference between them appears to be ‘cause.’ Our heroes resort to methods people today consider evil in order to catch the bad guys, and the villains perform vile acts while dreaming of righting all wrongs.
Moral conundrums abound. Does the end justify the means? If the vile acts of the past lead to good results in the future, are they forgivable? Is peace justification for a loss of freedom? If you helped the criminals and didn’t know it, does that make you guilty?
The emotions are powerful, the plot riveting, the characters real. The writing is clean (kudos to Octavia Harmony), with very few typos or similar errors. The visuals are as great as usual for this author, and it saddens me to know that this will likely be his last story on FIMFiction.
If you’re interested in dark stories where the stakes are high and the consequences higher, read this. If you want a story that makes you think, read this. If you’re a fan of JawJoe in general, read this. If you’re not a fan of JawJoe in general, read this. Of the few stories I have actively worked on with others, I can honestly say that I am the most proud of this one. JawJoe took the universe of his flawed yet gripping Twilight Sparkle: Night Shift and, through it, crafted a true gem of darkness and redemption.
I could not be happier.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read these Yet?
I Missed You
By LightningBass94
Re-Read
Previous Rating: Not Bad
So, who here wants some pointless fluff? I found it for ya.
This seems better than I remember. It has a few flaws, but nowhere near as many as I recall. The story is simply about Rainbow Dash staying up without sleep for two nights in a row, waiting for her marefriend Twilight to get home, and the continuous cuddling they offer one another once she does. It’s 100% cutesy romantic fluff, and if that’s your thing then you’ll love this.
There are two problems. The first is that, after we get through most of the story, we have a moment where Rainbow bursts into tears because ‘she was scared for Twilight.’ Big problem: at no point whatsoever before Twilight came home was there any indication of this. People don’t normally act excited, eager and mildly nervous when they’re actually worried almost to the point of tears.
The other problem is that literally nothing happens. This story has no point, no theme, no moral. That, however, I am willing to forgive. After all, it’s obviously just meant to be a bunch of ‘D’aww’ loaded into 1,400 words, and in that it did exactly what it wanted to. So though I’d have liked to have seen more to this, I can’t deny that it achieved its goal.
If you’re into super romance without much else, give this a go. It’s short, sickeningly sweet and nowhere near as bad as I recall… though you may want to read its predecessor, Be Mine, first.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Carry On
By Viking ZX
Side Story to The Dusk Guard: Rise
Since The Dusk Guard: Rise was such a wonderful gem of a story, I decided that I would read all of its side stories while waiting for the sequel to finish. Well, the sequel is finished, but I still intend to read all the side stories. At any rate, Carry On is the first of a set of six and focuses on the Dusk Guard’s cheery mechanic, Sky Bolt.
Taking place a mere three days after the end of the main story, Carry On reveals that Sky Bolt is suffering from golem-filled nightmares relating to the recently-completed mission. The nightmares are so strong that she begins avoiding sleep entirely, and it doesn’t take long for this problem to be noticed by others. She tries her best to handle the situation on her own, with predictable results.
I really enjoyed this one, and it may have a little to do with the fact that Sky is one of my three favorites in the Dusk Guard lineup. But more directly, this story really struck home for me specifically because I understand exactly what it is that scares her. I’ve been there, albeit in not so serious a way as her, and so I ended up connecting wonderfully with her in this story.
Even if you don’t know what it’s like, though, this story is still worth your while. It’s largely well-written, save for a few needless repetitive word choices and the occasional moment of excessive description in the narrative. The emotions are strong for the most part, the characters are as real and identifiable as ever, and the flow is just right. The setting and the characters all felt real, and – unless I’m mistaken – I can see the weaving of extra material, perhaps to be addressed in the other side stories or the sequel.
All of these are things I approve of. I have nothing but praise for this one, folks. The only catch is that you should probably read Rise first to avoid some confusion.
Bookshelf Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Aaaaaand this makes Viking ZX the second person to earn my follow based on ratings! And with only three stories, too. Well done, good sir.
Stories for Next Week:
Mood Wings by Tchernobog
The AppleDash Project by bookplayer
Another Day by wYvern (Requested by Inquisitor M)
Appendage by Absolution (Re-Read)
Say Goodnight, Pinkie by scoots2 (Sequel to Good Morning, Beautiful)
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Thursday Reviews V
Paul's Thursday Reviews VI
Paul's Thursday Reviews VII
Paul's Thursday Reviews VIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews IX
Paul's Thursday Reviews X
Paul's Thursday Reviews XI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XIV
Want me to review your story? Send me a request! Check my profile page for rules.
Point of note: Requested by me.
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Oh, right. I got to talking to wYvern and somewhere along the line started thinking it was his request. My bad.
Thank you for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed both Sky Bolt's story and the subject matter; I did quite a bit of research on the topic (reading first-hand accounts from soldiers with PTSD and ASD on what it felt like, psychology reports from doctors treating it looking for exterior signs, treatment, etc), and it's always great to hear work like that has paid off in the final result.
Thanks for reading and, again, reviewing.
(And on a side note I must express curiosity to see your reactions when you reach my newer stuff, as of this story you're reading this I wrote two years ago, and I feel very safe saying the quality definitely goes up)
Edit: On a mobile. Cursed autocorrect!
Monsters - I loved it too, even though I normally don't like dark stories because most of the authors use violence as a club to just beat plot points to death. JawJoe uses it to show why characters act the way they do. I disagree a little with some of your points though:
"...throughout the story he finds it necessary to go on whole paragraphs of explanation we often don’t need. Out of all the things that JawJoe could do wrong, this is the one he always ends up with, and when it shows up it’s always glaring to me. It’s like he doesn’t expect the readers to be capable of realizing how certain things throughout the story are connected – which, given some commentary I’ve received in my own stories, isn’t necessarily wrong..."
I have yet to write a story that doesn't have at least one comment from somebody who got lost because I did not include the details that I should have. And for every comment, there are a hundred people who had the same problem but just quit. Exposition for the sake of just talking is wasted, but explaining things out several times is a good thing. If you carefully read the best mystery novels, the Reveal is foreshadowed far more than once, sometimes up to a half-dozen times (with a few Red Herrings) to ensure the reader does not get jolted out of their immersion. JawJoe's strong point here is my weak point. Most readers *skim* a little, and when they miss a plot point, you don't want them to just wander away.
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That would be fine if we were actually talking about things being foreshadowed more than once. We're not. We're talking about something being detailed in chapter two, then, right when the thing it's foreshadowing happens in chapter eight, going through the trouble of reminding everyone that, hey, I foreshadowed this, and here's the extensive details on how!
There's nothing wrong with foreshadowing, or doing it multiple times. There is something wrong with assuming your readers are dumb and can't connect the dots on their own. I know that a lot of readers have difficulty with this kind of thing, but that makes it all the more important to do it properly. As writers, we should be trying to help the readers get better at reading, not hold their hands with baby gloves through every little plot twist. If the readers are dumb, we should teach them how not to be so.
I enjoyed Mood Wings and i'd really like to see what you think about it.
Much obliged, good sir!