Paul's Thursday Reviews XII · 3:06pm Oct 22nd, 2015
First thing's first: my friend and occasional editor Cerulean Voice wants to go to Bronycon in 2016, and he needs help getting there. To this end, he has started his very own Patreon which, if he doesn't make his milestones, is refundable. So do us all a favor and get this Aussie to the States, yo.
I decided to take a break from reading this week. I know, shocking. But the good news is that I'm still a few weeks ahead of schedule even with that break, so there should be no interruption in your regular reviews! This week's set of entries are three parts strong and two parts weak, if you catch my drift.
Stories for This Week:
Infallible by Pegasus Rescue Brigade
The Hoodie by Octavia Harmony
The Kindest Silence by horizon (2nd Place entry of Skeeter the Lurker's Switcheroo contest)
Rainbow Rocks by Twinkletail (Re-Read)
Princess Celestia: The Changeling Queen by vren55
Total Word Count: 192,215
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 0
Not Bad: 2
None: 0
She cast her sister away for a thousand years only to be immediately forgiven upon her return. She sent her non-military, inexperienced student and her friends to get rid of a sleeping dragon. She completed ignored her prized student’s warnings and let changelings infiltrate the castle. She sent Discord to capture an old villain without any moral backup. She surrendered all her powers, and those of her sister and niece.
And yet somehow, everything turned out perfect. Despite the dumbest, most idiotic decisions, every choice Celestia has ever made has led to miraculously good results. How could this possibly be? Pegasus Rescue Brigade has the answer: fate.
In Infallible, we follow Celestia as she notes the sheer perfection of her existence. Every negotiation leads to mutually beneficial and pleasing results; every speech is welcomed lovingly by the masses; even wild storms and lightning refuse to touch her dazzling mane. Celestia’s every word and motion is met with unwavering success… and she’s sick of it. So, when she approaches Luna regarding her ‘infallibility’ problem, her skeptical sister suggests she spend a day attempting to sabotage herself.
Celestia thinks this is a brilliant idea.
I found this story to be vastly entertaining from a context standpoint. Suddenly, every terrible decision Celestia has made makes sense; when fate is 100% on your side, who cares if the decisions are sound? Celestia’s frustration at being unable to do anything wrong, not even the tiniest act, was a nice touch.
At the same time, I can understand why the author doesn’t think the story is all that great. A lot of it has to do with Celestia’s reactions. I anticipated her to grow steadily more upset and desperate to make a mistake, escalating her efforts appropriately to invite greater humor. Instead, she takes the entire day with a sort of blasé disappointment at all the contrivances. I almost feel as though Celestia’s mild annoyance reflects the author’s feelings as the story was written.
This story has a lot of potential. Although I absolutely love to concept, I think the story itself could have used a bit more… ‘bang.’ Oh, well. For what it is? I approve.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
The Hoodie was originally written as an original fiction, but apparently Octavia Harmony was persuaded to ponify it. I think this modification went incomplete due to a few terminology slip-ups, which could be easily fixed by adding an ‘anthro’ tag (which I’m moderately sure didn’t exist at the time the story was written, so some consideration is apropos). The story follows a detective attempting to solve the ongoing case of a string of murders which, he is certain, are due to a serial killer.
This story operates on the idea of vague being a boon; we see very little of the actual case, and what we do see is not detailed enough to provide much of a clue. Where we do get a clue is in the vast narrative descriptions. It’s a clever ploy of slipping direct hints into seemingly open descriptions; I’ve seen it used before with mixed results, and this instance is very effective.
That said, the writing style for this story left something to be desired, and served to heavily distract from the atmosphere. The range of problems include:
Overlong sentences:
Despite being a city enjoying the boom of economical success, it couldn't find any way from becoming like any other large city, complete with criminals.
Which could be:
Despite the boom of economical success, this large city was like any other, complete with criminals.
Fewer words, same info, smoother ride.
Needless repetition:
When the police detective arrived at the police station he made his way to his desk…
His search yielded no progress, and he was left with a day of no progress despite his efforts.
Regularly inconsistent formatting:
...varied with no correlation.
When he got home he began the routinely procedure of ending his day. After dinner the tired detective brought out the case files some more to review them, only to realize he was just staring at the papers absentmindedly. Any attempt he made to focus was wasted. He rubbed his eyes, before checking the time on his phone.Deciding a…
The point being, this story could have used a cleaning job. I’m a little disappointed, because I’ve heard a lot about Octavia Harmony and thought I might be in for a treat when I saved this story for later. Alas, my expectations have not been met. More disappointing is that Octavia Harmony has no other stories for me to peruse, so I’ve no way of knowing if it was just an unlucky pick on my part.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
To call this ‘interesting’ would be an understatement. As most of you who actually read my reviews know by now, the Switcheroo contest challenged the contenders to rewrite an episode of the show, with the caveat that the central characters of said show couldn’t be the central characters of the rewrite. horizon took this concept far beyond the requirements; while it’s said to replace Sonic Rainboom, it effectively replaces the entire history of the MLP:FiM world by making it so Rainbow Dash never existed.
Alternate universes aren’t new, and one of the commonalities of the AU is that things are similar. The characters are still who we know and love and many of the character circumstances are the same. horizon threw out this tradition by making the FiM universe completely different, even rendering the characters into something alien and unrecognizable. Pinkie never learned the joys of laughter, Twilight never hatched Spike, Sunset never left Equestria, Rarity went nutty, and Fluttershy became the source of their connection by performing a Sonic Unboom. The only one who didn’t change in any way appears to be Applejack.
On the one hand, I wasn’t crazy about the overall story. The concept of the Sonic Unboom in particular felt way off to me – being mortally afraid has somehow become a good thing – and more than a few of horizon’s decisions felt tailor-made to appease certain fandom desires (Scootalove and Spike being a major character being two dominant ones). Even the presence of Pinkamina felt a bit like blatant fanservice to me.
However, I must give credit where it’s due. The vast majority of writers cannot think beyond certain bounds; even alternate universes that are hailed as being wholly different usually end up treading familiar paths to maintain familiarity and meet the status quo. In comparison, horizon’s re-imagining of Equestria is almost complete, defying the norms and tossing most of our expectations to the four winds. This level of recreation takes more than just writing and storytelling talent, it requires the ability to completely disassociate with the established rules and tread your own path. I am very impressed.
With all that, it might be expected for me to give the story top honors. On the contrary; I felt as though some of the transitions in the story were jarring, I still suspect a few of horizon’s decisions to be fan-pandering, and I’m not sold on the whole Sonic Unboom thing. With all this in mind, I think my ranking is pretty clear.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Rainbow Rocks
By Twinkletail
Re-Read
Previous Rating: Not Bad
This story was originally written for a Body Swap Contest put on by the Transformations group, utilizing the premise of Rainbow Dash and Maud Pie as the swappers. It won 2nd place overall in the contest, beaten only by my own Ordinary World. The premise of the story is about what you would expect: while attending a sleepover party at Applejack’s with Maud as the guest of honor, Princess Twilight tries out a spell to swap Rainbow’s and Maud’s voices. As expected, she makes a mistake and instead ends up switching out their bodies. Follow this with the fact that Pinkie has a crush on Rainbow and things get… complicated.
This story might have been very effective. Maud taking on the protective older sibling role works well to me, and having her and Rainbow at odds over the matter could make for an interesting dynamic. Unfortunately, Twinkletail took ages to get to the dramatic confrontation between the two, and most of that time involved Rainbow and Maud being blatantly unaware of everyone’s efforts to get Pinkie and Rainbow together. Worse, when the confrontation finally does come, it’s over as fast as it starts in a whirlwind of anti-climax, complete with a dues ex machina in the form of Twilight miraculously returning at exactly the right moment to make everything okay again.
Then there’s the exposition, which comprised roughly 80% of the story. Seriously, the vast majority of it is Rainbow and Maud thinking about the situation. I can understand this direction with Maud given her lack of expression, but for Rainbow? And even without that consideration, there is such a thing as show vs. tell. All of these things combined with contrived character interactions to ultimately result in both the potential romance and comedy gone afoul.
I will point out, however, that Twinkletail’s narrative style is quite appropriate:
Rainbow had no real qualm with rocks; she supposed they were alright. They didn't bother anypony of their own accord due to an utter lack of consciousness, and the only time they hurt anypony was if they were thrown at said pony or if said pony was thrown at them, and they couldn't be faulted for either indiscretion. Try as she might, though--and to be honest, she didn't try terribly hard--she just could not drum up a speck of enthusiasm for the little geological wonders.
See, I enjoyed that. It amused me. Alas, Twinkletail failed to provide such narrative wit throughout the entire story, otherwise my opinion of it may have been improved a smidgen.
In the end, I see no reason to adjust my rating for the story. It does what it set out to do, but it could have done it in a better way.
Bookshelf: Not Bad
Princess Celestia: The Changeling Queen
By vren55
Completion Story
First, I should note that this story is taking up what would normally be my sequel slot in the review set. This is because I decided to take any incompleted story I was watching before that finally ended and set it in my sequel list for accelerated reading. My reasoning for this is that any story going into my RiL will have to wait months – perhaps over a year – to be read, and when an incompleted story has already waited ages just to finish, it seems appropriate to speed things along.
Now, regarding this story. To be frank, if it hadn’t been so incredibly popular, I would never have touched it. I have made it abundantly clear my disdain for the obvious or common concept, and “Celestia was a changeling all along” is so blatantly obvious an idea that it alone can knock a story completely off my radar. But the public has spoken, regarding this story as a gem of sorts, and I wouldn’t be the pompous, overly critical, self-appointed judge of the public’s horrible taste if I didn’t give it a go. Alas, the pains I undergo for you fools.
Princess Celestia: The Changeling Queen is almost exactly what it says on the tin. It turns out that, through a messy coincidence I won’t be spoiling, the real Celestia disappeared after her battle with Nightmare Moon a millennium ago and appointed the changeling queen Alternia to act as her proxy. With the casting of Cadance’s and Shining Armor’s “love bomb” (as the author has entitled the spell) in A Canterlot Wedding, the changeling’s disguise is revealed before the Element Bearers, Cadance, Shining and Prince Blueblood. The story, then, follows the aftermath of the discovery.
Despite my continued lack of appreciation for the originality of the basic concept, I must acknowledge that vren55 approached it wonderfully. In terms of context and content, the story is amazingly well done and a testament to a capable worldbuilder. Not only do we learn tons about changelings, but also about their place in Equestrian mythology and lore and history, all wrapped up in a cover effectively emulating famed legends of the real world.
Along with this, the characters all behave in ways that are sound and effective. From the common characters’ reactions to Alternia’s deception, the violent extremists that arise, the abrupt rush to form diplomatic and military solutions to the revealed changeling ‘menace,’ right down to the characters’ emotions and behavior. Everything fits in a way that is a sheer delight for a reader like me who craves realism and plot diligence. vren55 made a mistake here or there, of course – with a story topping 150k words, that’s to be expected – but the vast majority is so well directed that I have nothing but praise for the story. This is how you do it, people.
But not all of this is flowers and sparkling waters. Where the author proves to be brilliant at conjuring a story, vren55’s storytelling is terribly lacking.
This story could be the poster child for exposition as a terrible storytelling medium. It is almost constant; for every sentence that tells us exactly what we need to know, there are five either repeating the information, giving us information we don’t need in any way, or uselessly detailing the point just made. It is a continuous blight, strangling the emotion from both the characters and the reader and droning on into boring details that serve the story in no perceivable way.
Take, for example, the opening of chapter 25: The Fall, in which vren55 spends no less than 10 paragraphs – 1169 words – going over the details of a legal document Alternia is reading, 95% of which does absolutely nothing to further the story. We don’t need to know the contents of the document; the fact that the document exists after all the struggle of 25 chapters is more than enough to establish the magnanimity of it.
Exposition was vren55’s greatest weakness in this story, and while they did gradually improve as the story moved on, this improvement is too late and far, far too little. Moments that should have been dramatic sputtered, scenes that should have left the reader sobbing earned little more than a small frown, moments that might have been amusing felt dry. All the potential intensity of this story was whitewashed with copious explanation and detail.
There were other things I found fault with in the overall writing, but they are all inconsequential compared to the exposition. A few are even subjective; I am known to disapprove of flashbacks in almost every form, yet I have no choice to acknowledge that the information they presented in this case were vital to the story’s power. Even then, I can’t help but think a better way was available.
Princess Celestia: The Changeling Queen is a magnificent and interesting story told in a tragically poor way. It is a testament to the strength of the story itself that I was so fascinated, eager and, yes, at times even a little emotional because of the things that happened in it. For this alone, I would highly recommend it to any who aren’t offended by the terrible manner of the writing. With how powerful the story is in its current state, I can’t imagine how incredible it could have been using a proper writing style. Had that happened, it would have been worthy of a place in my favorites bookshelf.
As it is?
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week:
Mandatory Fun by FanOfMostEverything
Five Hundred Little Murders by Estee
Fruit of the Problem by FanOfMostEverything (1st Place entry of Skeeter the Lurker's Switcheroo contest)
Goodnight Woon by lunabrony (Re-Read)
When The Snow Melts by Bluespectre (Completed Story)
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Thursday Reviews III
Paul's Thursday Reviews IV
Paul's Belated Thursday Reviews I
Paul's Thursday Reviews V
Paul's Thursday Reviews VI
Paul's Thursday Reviews VII
Paul's thursday Reviews VIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews IX
Paul's Thursday Reviews X
Paul's Thursday Reviews XI
Well I think that your review pretty fair. Cerulean had the exact same opinion when he reviewed the story, citing its good plot but problematic style. At least you ended yours on a more positive note and therefore didn't break my heart XD
I'm very interested as to what you think of the story's sequel: Equestria's changeling queen and the Abyssal Empress because I think i've gotten better with exposition, or not... you'll have to see.
All in all, great job with the review. It's nice to have one that explains to me what I did good, and what I messed up on XD
vren55
Ooh, 500 Little Murders. :D Excellent!
Thank you for the review! I'm very thankful that you took the time to write so much about it, even through the story was never meant to be anything more than a some writing on the side. Originally, I had just meant to put the story up just so I could even have a story; my profile felt awfully empty without a nice story, especially compared to all other stories that I'd listed.
This was kinda painful to read. I've never put much time into writing on this website, mainly because I've always found much more satisfying results helping others through editing. Personally, I would direct you to the content that I've edited to see where my work went, especially the story Monsters. I know it's on your Read Later list, but I've put more time into that story that I have on any of my own works. Actually, because of how much time I've spent on it, I think I've been experiencing some sort of editor's version of magnum opus dissonance.
Maybe someday I can write something that I'll be proud to say that I wrote to the fullest extent.
You didn't even mention the greatest part of Celestia Changeling queen. The sorceress Meringue Le Fay.
3488676
And I will be sure to read the sequel... as soon as you finish it.
3489231
Considering all the work I did on the Monsters plotline, I have every reason to believe it will be good. It's a shame your one story on the site proved lackluster, but if editing is more your thing, who am I to complain? Maybe someday soon I'll be asking for your assistance, as well; truly good editors are hard to come by, and I've heard nothing but positive remarks from those who have already worked with you.
In fact... you wouldn't have time for a project I'm working on for Halloween, would you? I've been looking for a third individual to go over it but everyone I've been asking is either too busy or not interested. It's not done yet, but I anticipate it being less than 20k words total.
3489506
Somehow, I don't consider making one of history's most infamous female villains into a baking joke to be a 'great thing.'
In fact, I found the vast majority of the military lineup to be painfully stupid and thought I was doing vren55 a favor not mentioning them. It's not that the naming conventions were bad, but their designs – pointlessly throwing together ridiculous caricatures of military figures from across time – was in poor taste. If you're going to bother naming a bunch of military officials, at least have the common sense to use officials who lived in the same era. Most of those figures ended up taking a serious story and turning it into bad humor. You can't tell me that 'Caesar Salad,' with his toga and rod, fits in the world of the story in any remote way.
3489564
Right, should have been a bit more specific. The great thing is her name, not the character. The character is just as bad as the rest of them. Bland and used as a one-shot name joke. That entire chapter was one of the low points of the entire story. It was like 80% of just internal monologue exposition of the council. Which much like the legal document bit, was entirely pointless. Especially with the references to all the various time periods. It was amusing like once, then forgotten about by the end of the chapter.
I still think that name is neat though.
3489646
The name itself is clever, that I'll acknowledge.
3489646
3489687
Well the legalese doc at the beginning of 25 was necessary. I needed to actually produce what Alternia, chrysalis and the other figures had worked on and concluded upon. Not incorporated well but I needed that out of the way as I was aware people would ask "what the heck did they finally agree upon?"
In regards to the generals. Perhaps it was in bad taste but I had fun comin up with back stories for each military figure, though I had no story space to actually get into detail in chapter. I could have easily come up with OCs for the military figures but I didn't want to Intro a shit ton of military figures for one chapter. So I compromised and called upon pontified versions of military figures just to give the reader an idea of their capability without having to say too much.
The military council on the whole I think was absolutely necessary. Perhaps I internal monologues a bit too much but I was taking the idea of the changelings as a threat seriously and therefore needed the council to show what lengths Alternia and those around her might be willing to go.
Anyway those are my two cents
Thanks for the review! Glad you enjoyed it. I'm a little embarrassed that Kindest Silence seems to be getting such widespread review attention when it's lapped in quality by ... well, basically everything else I've written.
Fair points, although: it's not so much that I was going for fanservice as that this was walking the razor's edge of crackfic. taking an inherently ridiculous premise and seeing how it would work if I played it straight. You probably noticed that it's structured in a number of places like a comedy even though it isn't really one. With points like Spike as a main character, you're basically right though: I noted in story comments that that started out as an inside joke about Spike being "the replacement Rainbow Dash" in that one episode, until I realized that it actually legitimately worked played straight.
3489955
No, the long legalese at the beginning of chapter 25 was not necessary because, in truth, nobody cares about all of that. All your readers need to know is that a peace treaty was signed. In fact, this is all they care to know. Nobody reads these stories for a lesson in Equestrian law, they read them because they want a story. When a changeling breaks one of the preambles, or a pony does something to discriminate against changeling rights, or one of the Queens arrives to discuss potential changes in a certain provision, then it may be important for the readers to know what specific rule was broken. Everything else is red tape that will never come up again and therefor matters to nobody reading the story.
In short, no one is actually going to ask "what the heck did they finally agree upon?" Now, you might immediately counter this with "I would," and if that's the case then I can tell you with absolute certainty that you are in a tiny minority.
As far as the military council goes, you're right, it was necessary. Nobody's going to argue that, nor has (to my knowledge). But I'm amused you would say "I didn't want to Intro a shit ton of military figures for one chapter" when that is exactly what you did. Using ponified versions of famous individuals does not by any stretch of the imagination not make them OCs, and the information you provided amounted to intro-ing a shit ton of military figures. In fact, you could have kept all the background and used more creative original characters and the entire chapter would have been much better for it, even with the exposition.
3489986
I did get the feeling of 'not-quite crack' in the fic, but I think you walked that razor's edge of seriousness and comedy just enough to avoid my scorn. Most people who try that earn my vehement ire, but you somehow managed to dodge it, so kudos there.
On the plus side, I've got another of your stories coming up in the RiL for review before too long (although recall that I'm going by units of weeks, not days). Whether that story is worth the long wait it's undergone may be another matter entirely.
3490084
I don't agree, but you have your opinion, I have mine.
True that, but I was aiming for familiarity with the names rather than new ones that would appear once in a chapter and vanish.
3490084 And this is the moment when I realize that you wrote The Gentle Nights: Audience of One.
Damn i loved that story. Mind if I do a review/promo of it, considering you did one of mine?
Sincerely,
vren55
3514387
As if I could possibly say no to an offer like that? I'll be looking forward to it!
And for the record, I loved writing it.