• Member Since 24th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Winston


The original Sunburst!

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This story is a sequel to First


A call for help from an old friend takes Rainbow Dash to a place she'd rather have out of her life, but her business there isn't finished. In a town on the far northern border of Equestria, she'll have to discover how to resolve and close a painful chapter of her past for good by confronting once again what she left there five years ago during a brutal conflict that exacted a haunting toll on her... And an even bigger one on somepony that she loved.

This is the sequel to my previous story, First. The continuity isn't really too heavy, so you can probably get away with not reading "First" before reading this. A few references may make more sense if you do, but it won't break the story if you choose not to. Your call, really.

UPDATE: Another prequel to this, Born in Equestria, is now available, too.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 20 )

Excellent story, and very moving. I remember reading your other story before, I think it was featured on Equestria Daily if I remember righty. Over all I think your story is well written, and you've done an amazing job at portraying the emotions of everypony. And you definitely deserve more views for this. Well done!

The first time ponies have been that deep, I believe LOL

Great story!

I have two friends I can place on this level
They are brothers
And to me they are mine

I love it!! This is such a good story I read the previous ones and I think I love this one the most but I still like all of them!

I simply don't understand why this has gotten no comments, anyways I had the same reaction as Gilda ( minus the cuss word ) when Rainbow thought that Gilda said that about getting stuff for the kids

Aawh this was such a touching chapter

Wow I didn't see Moondancer comin

3308894 couldn't have said it better myself wonderful story

This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews

My Little Pony War Story… god damnit.

No, no, no, seriously, before I get to the review, think about that phrase a minute. Can you picture what that would actually be like? The thing that keeps popping into my mind is if the U.S. took them as soldiers.

We’d deploy them into combat wearing long sleeved camo uniforms that would be three sizes too big, helmets that would just barely allow their tiny heads to peek out the end, and a small gun which would hang gently from their mouths. Our enemies would be so swept up in the absolute adorableness of the critters that they’d drop all their guns and suicide bombs just to stare in adoration. Mesmerized by their cute appearance they’d pick them up, cuddle them, whisper cute phrases to them the same way they would a pet, and then just when you think the situation couldn’t get anymore cute.

BAM!

The ponies would rip their ballsacks off and feed it to them so hard that every virgin in heaven would mourn over the lost love life.

You see this is what the brony fandom does to ponies. If Cupcakes proved anything, besides the fact that I have some fetishes that would make even Marilyn Manson vomit up his lungs and call fucked up, then it’s that watching cute lovable perfectly innocent creatures get thrown into the most horrible scenarios our demented minds can dream up, is quite the means of enjoyment. Of course while blood, gore, and possible necrophilia is all well and good, it’s also equally fun to enjoy some classic mental rape every now and then. To watch a character undergo the horrid mental trauma of war time conflict and have to live in the confusing aftermath. That’s the kind of fic that ‘Scent of Roses’ seeks to deliver, and lord knows it would have, if it wasn’t for the retarded child friendly rating.

And right there is the biggest problem with this fic.

Really author? You’ve got a story dealing with war and death, among other atrocities, and what’s the rating? Everyone? That’s like Stephenie Meyer releasing a new Twilight book where all the characters keep all their clothing on at all times, why do I care anymore? Don’t take that the wrong way of course, I’m not one of those socially repressed fucks who can’t sit through any form of media without a triplecunted hooker getting gang raped in the middle of a satanic blood sacrifice; I’m a My Little Pony fan for fuck’s sake. Normally I don’t give a flying shit about the rating of fic, but here it feels like the ‘Everyone’ rating has severely crippled the story, and there’s no one to push the wheelchair much less wipe its ass.

The story focuses on Rainbow Dash as she deals with the horrid aftermath of a bloody war with the griffins, those lion-toed bastards. It’s set up very early on that Rainbow has been disturbed by the atrocities of the war, but again, child friendly rating, so we never really get an idea of what she went through. Oh sure, it’s stated that certain things happen, and there are certain implication of darker events; but without the necessary description or focus, none of it has the impact it should. This was particularly aggravating during a flashback scene where it looks like Rainbow is about to jump one of the griffins, but then it fades out right as she attacks. Congratulations story, you just won the cocktease of the month award.

I’ll give you this much author, you do description very well; there was never a single moment where I couldn’t picture the scene perfectly in my head. Unfortunately, you have a habit of sometimes adding a bit too much description. Hearing how Twilight's library is kept neatly organized and tidy is fine. Hearing about how each individual floor board can show a reflection, and how all the windows shine like crystal, and how the shelves have been worn down from so much dusting, and how all the books are stored in an advanced algorithmic system, and how the pictures are lined up symmetrically at a ninety degree angle, and how... well, you get the point.

Then again, looking back through the majority of this story, I might have jumped for joy if I ran across that much metaphor. The narrative sets the scene the same way an unenthusiastic tour guide would drone on about his favorite fossil sediments. Yeah, you’ll get the basic information and probably a little more, so long as the dull mechanical voice doesn’t put you in a crib and gently rock you to sleep. Of course this could easily be fixed just by adding a little wordplay every now and then to bring some color to the story. Some small similes here and there can do wonders to open up the story and let us breath in the atmosphere of it, unlike the constricting mess that’ll just about squeeze the air out of your lungs and swallow you up for dinner.

Pacing is also a major concern. There's several scenes, particularly early on in the first chapter, that just feel like they drag on for way too long. Good stories have you hooked in by the end of the first paragraph, the best by the first sentence. I can see the author tried hard to do just this, and he failed miserably. But while it irks me that the story failed to pull me into the plot quickly enough, it infuriates me to see that it missed a golden opportunity to throw us into the story head over heal. Am I the only one who thinks this thing should've opened up with us reading the letter Gilda sent Rainbow Dash? Not only would it have encapsulated all the necessary information we needed quickly in one neat package, but it would've put us right there in Rainbow Dash's place and gotten is immersed in the story right off the bat. But no, instead the first thing we’re greeted with is a long slog of a paragraph that basically amounts to, ‘Rainbow Dash opened a fucking letter.’ Exciting, I know.

Now out this point you may be saying to yourself, “Wow, this guy has been tearing into this story the same way Pinkie does the fourth wall, however I can’t help but notice that he’s said so much about style and writing of the story, but has said practically nothing about the story itself. Why is that?” Well, that’s mainly due to the fact that that there’s not much I could say without taking a trip down spoiler central, but also because for the most part, the plot is alright.

It’s good, I enjoyed watching it unfold, what more do want?

I could make a few little nitpicks about how Gilda’s presence seemed pointless and contrived, or how Rainbow’s war buddy struck me as more of a lover than a friend, but for the most part it’s good. The characters interact with each other very well, almost like they’ve been plucked straight out of the show, and while the story does suffer somewhat from the ‘E’ rating, there were still a few moments that got me a little emotional. One scene in particular is when Rainbow visits a gravesite near her old encampment. I actually got a little choked up, and I’ll admit, did come close to tears.

Still, the story does feel weaker for the rating, and while I can honestly say I enjoyed the reading, it’s a little disappointing knowing that it could’ve been far better. So if you’ve got a little extra time, and you’re into to the sad story genre, give it a look see.

For myself, I’ll just settle for rereading Sweet Apple Massacre and having a wank before bed.

4102623 Thank you for the review. It's the first real detailed feedback I've gotten on this, and it's a huge help.

Just read all 3 of these amazing stories. As someone who is currently in the military, this story really struck home for me. Have a like and a fave:twilightsmile:

5415664 Thank you. Although these stories were very difficult for me to write, they were important. It's an experience I don't think I can ever forget. Thanks for the likes and faves. It means a lot to me.

5417615 Wow. Just wow. This is such a meaningful story, I just can't express how it makes me feel. This was such a roller coaster of emotions, and I felt myself being thrown from one extreme to another. Thank you so much for writing this, and I know I must have been hard for you to get it all out, but I'm also glad that you did it, because it means that you finally get a sense of closure, or at least...closer to one anyway. The feelings that I felt were just beautiful, it's been a long time since I got so emotional after reading anything, and for that, I thank you so much for writing this...

5494746 Thanks. I'm glad to know that this story moved you.

I'm actually thinking about doing a rewrite of it to correct some of the grammar issues now that I'm a much better writer in a technical sense, and to expand certain points that I think could use more examination.

Your writing has a depth and a soul that conveys emotions you've clearly experienced, that no one should have to. I don't know how some collections of words can be dry and detached while others reach straight into a reader, I guess that's why I'm on this side of the screen, but damn, yours are the latter; Alabaster's memorial stone hit me as hard as it did Rainbow. That scene, more than any other, broke free feelings I forgot I could know, and I cried right along with her.

I'm sorry that you've been through things to give you the insight to write like this. Not just that scene, this whole story. It must have been very difficult to face writing this, that much is clear, but thank you for sharing it. I truly hope doing so has helped you cope with your own memories. Thank you again.

5598106 This wasn't an easy story for me to write, but it was an important one. I'm glad that you liked it and that it could mean something to you. Thanks for your comments and thanks for reading. :twilightsmile:

Wow you made a reference to Moondancer's relationship or lack of with Twilight two years before the actual show addressed it, as well as Gilda....

Damn, psychic?

6325967 Heh, well, technically speaking, since that episode aired I should either stick an alt universe tag on this story or revise it. Turns out Moondancer wasn't so dead after all. :pinkiecrazy: She still could be, I suppose by the future point in time relative to the series that this story takes place, but that would still take revision to make sense here.

Sigh. Maybe, someday, if I could ever reach the point where it's not too painful for me to want to deal with it, I should go back and do rewrites of this, since it's one of my stories from back before I actually knew anything about writing...

Thank you for sharing these stories, I have enjoyed the great writing.
My only complaint is more of a question, and makes things a slight bit disconcerting.
In Born in Equestria Twilight was an alicorn, while in the other 2 she was a unicorn. I realize they were probably written before she was (?), but seeing as she is a unicorn in Scent of Roses (which is 5 years after the other 2 stories, one of which she is an alicorn), it would bring up a few questions.

Anyway, the point behind all this rambling is:
You should probably either change to her being an alicorn the whole time, or none of the time.
Having said that, I realize it has been painful to write these, and I am immensely grateful you have shared them. If you can't change it, it doesn't have any particular impact on the story itself, was just wanting to bring it to your attention (if it hasn't been already...)
Anyway, I have enjoyed all of your stories I have read so far, plan to peek at the rest of them:twilightsmile:

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