Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXLIII · 8:34pm Mar 18th, 2021
Anyone out there like hot chocolate? I’ve always favored the stuff. One of my favorite beverages, really. Most people want coffee or tea, I want hot chocolate. I didn’t start drinking it with any regularity until the last few months though, mostly because I was dissatisfied with readily available brands like Swiss Miss.
Back in January I discovered Equal Exchange dark hot chocolate, which is much more my jam. I can throw in a few mini-marshmallows to sweeten it where I like it, and it’s got a pretty good flavor. But now I’m wondering; are there other brands out there I don’t know about? Is there some superior dark hot chocolate I could be drinking instead? Let me know if you folks are aware of anything I could try. I’m really curious.
...and now you all know where my OC Fine Crime gets his hot chocolate addiction from.
Now, to the reviews. Although this review blog has ten stories in it, it’s the first one to be affected by my “70,000 words or less” rule. The Bridle Path is 70k words and counts as this week’s “big story”, but all the rest combined make up less than 70k. This will be standard operating procedure for now. If I get really far ahead on my schedule I may read more, but at this point I don’t think it’s likely unless I start developing a huge backlog again.
Let’s get to the reviews, shall we?
Stories for This Week:
The Bridle Path by Penalt
Marble by the Roadside by Glen Gorewood
Shipfic Folder Series by SS Nomad
Understand Them by The Sleepless Beholder
"Bring Trixie the Blue Pages!" by shortskirtsandexplosions
Empty Claws by CalebH
Afterword by Decaf
Our Day in Disdain by Rainb0wDashie
A Unicorn Filly And An Alicorn Mare On The Moon by Twilight Star
Pinkie's Popeyes Preference by RhetCon
Total Word Count: 141,330
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 5
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 0
None: 1
The Bridle Path
71,492 Words
By Penalt
In dire need of a lot of gems, Rarity goes on a solo trip to the Badlands to do a little mining. She never anticipated that the local Diamond Dog government would have set out traps for ponies like her. Now captured and forced into a magical and magic-repelling bridle, she is to become a slave. But Rarity does not surrender her body or mind easily.
This was begun with intentions of it being a mindless clop story, but queries and a sudden bout of inspiration/ambition turned it into something much more. The story starts off in two focuses, one being Rarity as she resists the “training” the Diamond Dogs are forcing upon her, and the other being Celestia, Luna, and Twilight as they try to find the correct response to the dogs’ actions.
This story – or more accurately, what the Diamond Dogs were doing – offended me in a big way. What they achieved also offended me. For all intents and purpose, Rarity is dead by the end of the story. Oh, she’s still alive and walking around and may even be happy, but she is no longer “Rarity”. If that scares you, it should.
To be fair, I’m not sure that Penalt intended it to be interpreted that way. It may be their intention was for this to be a happy ending with the Rarity we all know and love still intact. I can’t interpret it that way myself, but I can understand if that was the author’s intention. What I can’t understand is this whole “two pieces made superior” nonsense. Somehow Rarity’s ‘soul’ is split in two and, when the two parts are unified, she’s supposed to be more powerful in every way than both she ever was before and compared to average ponies. Which… honestly, strikes me as a bunch of feel-good bullshit slapped together at the last minute in an attempt to make the twisted crap that happened to Rarity into some sort of positive. There’s certainly such a thing as “coming out of an ordeal stronger,” but this is nonsense.
Still, it’s not the core of the story. Well, it is in the sense that the whole story leads up to that point, but that’s all it is: an end point. The really important stuff is the “path” to get there.
That path, as devised by Penalt, is themed heavily on BDSM and submission. Rarity is forced to wear a bridle powered by dark magic. It punishes her for using her real name, rewards her for using her ‘new’ name, and gradually reshapes and twists her mind towards being a submissive, eager slave. It’s not as simple as psychological conditioning,either; as Twilight determines, the bridle is literally altering Rarity’s soul.
This is not a new concept by any stretch of the imagination. I’m sure if you cared to look you’d find an endless supply of clop material centered around it. The difference here is that this is not clop, but a very serious look at how this kind of torture would occur, with the consequences to boot. There isn’t even any actual sex in the story, although it is threatened and Rarity escapes it on at least one occassion, two if you’re nitpicky. On the other hand, the things Rarity does are distinctly calling out themes of BDSM, including things like pain, bondage, and prolonged sensory deprivation, and they are frequently interpreted in a sexualized light. Rarity is being tamed not only to be a slave, but a sex slave, and the dogs are making no attempt to disguise this.
It’s every bit as horrible as it sounds. It’s one thing to have a kink for consensual BDSM and roleplay brainwashing, but this is something else entirely, something offensive and evil, and it changes Rarity permanently.
You may ask yourself: if Celestia, Luna, and Twilight know that Rarity has been captured by the Diamond Dogs and have direct evidence of what they’re planning for her, why aren’t they going in horns blazing and armies unleashed? The first is Celestia trying to be diplomatic about it. This was stunning and outright horrendous of her: here she a pony who has already been broken as proof of what the Diamond Dogs are doing to the ponies they capture, they have one of Equestria’s heroes, and she wants to give them a deadline on returning Rarity? Actually, let’s bypass that for a moment and forget that it’s Rarity: the Diamond Dogs are intentionally capturing, torturing, and breaking citizens of Equestria into sex slaves. This is already cause for at the very least a show of strength, to be followed immediately by war if the dogs don’t turn their ship around instantly. What the fuck is Celestia doing?
The good news is that Penalt actually give us a good reason for Celestia and Luna not to go charging on the scene ready to slaughter any dog that doesn’t immediately fall groveling at their hooves (though it doesn’t explain them not sending in an army). The bad news is that, after spending most of this story with them claiming they don’t dare cross into Diamond Dog territory, at the end Luna does exactly that as though she’s completely forgotten the dogs’ ace in the hole, then acts surprised when they actually use it! Excuse me while I facepalm. This story offers a lot of logical leaps.
All that being said, I’m willing to forgive a lot of it due to how interesting the story has been on a whole. A surprise villain (who really doesn’t surprise if you just pay a little attention), some curious worldbuilding (especially for the Diamond Dogs), and Rarity fighting a losing battle against forces she can’t hope to defeat without help. There’s a lot to keep a reader invested.
Not least of these is the way Penalt makes it so BDSM and slavery are part of normal Equestrian society. They never openly admit this, but it’s the only conclusion I can come to. It made perfect sense for these themes to appear around Rarity as she was under the Diamond Dogs’ yoke, but then the themes persist in Canterlot proper. The most direct moment of this came when Princess Twilight mother-bucking Sparkle herself is publically demoted and enslaved by Celestia and Luna.
Oh, sure, at no point is it ever stated in so many words that this is what’s happening. But they have this giant ceremony in front of a bunch of nobleponies where Twilight is named an ambassador instead of a princess (demoted) and has a collar put on her that signifies she belongs wholly to Celestia and Luna (enslavement). Yeah, okay, the ‘collar’ is a shiny peytral and looks all royal-like. But Celestia openly acknowledges the truth to her in private: it is a collar, (Celestia’s terminology) indicating that Twilight is a servant (again, Celestia’s terminology) of the crown. And Twilight just accepts it as perfectly normal. I was a little offended by this.
Later, during diplomatic negotiations, Celestia and Luna offer themselves up as sex slaves for a week as part of a deal. They don’t treat this as anything unusual. Clearly this kind of thing must be ingrained in Equestria’s culture if they’re so willing and humdrum on the idea. Again, I doubt that was Penalt’s intention, but it’s the conclusion I am forced to come to. It’s entirely possible these are the unintended results of a new author (at the time).
It’s a little odd, maybe even ridiculous, and potentially offensive. But the potential consequences are fascinating from a worldbuilding standpoint, and I would not object to seeing this explored. Particularly if it were done in a serious, non-clop way.
Ultimately, I have to give this one praise. Some of the plot points are nonsensical, like how Equestrian citizens being captured as sex slaves or test subjects is somehow not enough for an instant casus belli or one soul divided in two is somehow greater than the original. Yet the struggle is real, the action is strong, the stakes high. It’s hard to turn away from, if only because you so desperately want to see Rarity get out of this with her mind and body intact. It’s a hard read, but an interesting one that is easy to get invested in.
I only hope Penalt finishes the sequel someday. This is a concept worth exploring a bit further.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Marble by the Roadside
14,446 Words
By Glen Gorewood
On a carriage ride to Manehattan, Rarity and her driver are forced to take a detour along an unknown and unmapped road in the countryside. What they find there will haunt them for the rest of their lives… however long that may be.
This is a story that falls easily into Lovecraftian Horror, and might be considered a soft crossover with the work of a certain famous author, though I’m not willing to spoil who exactly. Unlike many horrors, this one is about the terror of the implications and possibilities, although there is a serious threat to Rarity’s life and soul throughout.
Surprisingly, the major issues aren’t within the story itself, but in what lies around it. We’ve got a story description that makes amateurish attempts to hype you up before going in, in the process giving away more than it needs to. No, author, this didn’t scare me away from taking shortcuts and backroads. The fact you would even suggest such a thing says something about you, and I don’t think it’s a positive thing.
Then every story has some Author’s Notes that reveal a lot of what is going on, which ruins the whole mystery of it. This would have been a thousand times more interesting to me had the author not bothered to tell us exactly what we were seeing and why. If you feel the need to explain what the evil Lovecraftian abomination is, I’m not sure you understand Lovecraft or the Weird as well as you think you do. If you can bring yourself to read the story without reading the author’s notes, I strongly encourage you to do so.
The only other problem is the rewriting of Rarity’s history. There are things being brought up here that don’t mesh with Rarity’s past at all, particularly in relation to her parents and, specifically, her mother. Tell me, how many of you saw Cookie Crumbles and thought she’s a high class pony who thinks that appearances and impeccable grooming are everything? I doubt I’ll see any raised hands. Yet somehow this story, written five years after we’ve met Rarity’s parents, expects us to believe exactly that, complete with a whole new name for the mare.
Then again, if I take in the descriptions of the ponies in that carriage at the store and let the implications go where I think they do, this may be a thoroughly different AU. If that were the case I’d be more forgiving, but there’s no way to confidently conclude one way or the other. Given Glen’s frustrating desire to tell all in the author’s notes, you’d think this would have been brought up if it were the case.
Ignoring those issues, the story itself is horror gold for anyone who likes twisted, inexplicable threats that exist outside the bounds of rationality. It comes with the addition of a secret past Rarity had forgotten all about and hints of a wider world with far more stories in the winds. There’s no direct indication that Glen Gorewood wrote more stories in this universe, but I will be looking forward to finding out.
Fans of Lovecraft and Weird tales will definitely want to give this a go.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Shipfic Folder Series
10,418 Words
By SS Nomad
I don’t normally read incomplete stories without them being direct requests, but this is one instance where I’m happy to make an exception. This is mostly because A) this is a short story anthology, rather than one big piece, and B) SS Nomad apparently departed the fandom in late 2018, so it’s not like there will be any updates. Despite being titled as a “Shipfic” series, not all the entries here are romantic in nature.
We’ve got Big McIntosh defying biology, Scootaloo being best friends with Spike, Fluttershy standing in defense of her fears, and RariTwi doing the whole ‘detective noir’ thing, just to name a few. My personal favorite was the one where Vinyl Scratch gets to meet King Sombra in the flesh. Well, “queen”, but semantics.
This is fun, at times silly, and at others touching. I can see no reason not to recommend it. I’m looking forward to more by this author, even if they completed so very few of their stories.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Understand Them
4,197 Words
The Sleepless Beholder failed to provide cover art.
The undead have spread all across Equestria, but the Everfree remains blessedly free of them. For Zecora, so accustomed to the dangers of the forest, this means she can study the creatures and try to find a cure or vaccine. At least it did… until they began entering the Everfree in search of more victims.
First off, my apologies to Beholder for taking so long to get to this. I didn’t realize it was a thing until months after it was released. You’d think, as one of the originators of the Them series, I would be more on the ball with this kind of thing.
Anyway, this strangely formatted story follows Zecora as she takes on the traditional zombie story role of a scientist seeking a cure. All alone save for the occasional visit from Steven Magnet, she resorts to trickery and the forest’s natural dangers to allow capture of live (so to speak) subjects to dissect and study. As these stories go, it all comes crashing down in the end as the undead in Ponyville, fresh out of living victims to pursue, begin wandering into the forest in large numbers.
On the one hand, I like what Beholder is doing here. It addresses a character I’ve often questioned the fate of and does so in a way that doesn’t interfere with any of the existing canon, while also throwing in a few characters I never considered.
There are a couple catches. The first is that it is about as typical a zombie story as you’ve ever heard, following long-established tropes without anything in the way of deviation. I won’t judge the author too harshly for it – I can’t say the Them series is a rose in this regard – but I do wish they had tried something new with Zecora.
The other issue may be good or bad depending upon the reader’s personal preferences. Beholder writes this in a strange format where most sentences are standalone and paragraphs are done in three or four separate lines. I can’t tell if the author simply doesn’t know how paragraphs work or was trying for some kind of lyrical formatting in reference to the nature of the protagonist. Some will think it cool and fresh. Others will think it a sign of ignorance and amateurity. I am forced to reserve judgement for no reason than that I cannot tell which interpretation is accurate.
An interesting addition to the Them franchise, and one which reminds me that there is so much I wanted to do with it. Mayhap I’ll get back to it someday, but I won’t go making any promises I may not be able to keep.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
"Where Is My Daughter?" — Worth It
"Bring Trixie the Blue Pages!"
2,895 Words
By shortskirtsandexplosions
Trixie found a book. Now she’s trapped in it. But Starlight can help her escape! All she needs to do is find the blue pages. Should be easy, right?
The nostalgia is strong with this one. I fondly recall my sister and I teaming up in an attempt to tackle the original MYST when it was first released. You young whippersnappers with your minimaps and quest locator icons have no idea how good you’ve got it. Try spending a few hours stuck in an underground rocket-themed railway maze with nothing but pencil and paper trying to figure out how to get back to the entrance, to say nothing for the exit! I am proud to say that between me, my sister, and occasionally my mother, we eventually managed to solve everything the first game had to offer. Then came the sequels...
Anyway, this is a playful nod to the OG gamers of MYST, the ones who first stepped into the mysteries of the family of Atrus. If you haven’t played the original, you might not get anything out of it. Those few of you who remember the slog, however, will find this both relatable and highly entertaining. We all know exactly how Starlight feels, especially when she learns that she went through all that heck just to discover she’s only solved one of the adventure’s myriad puzzles. Imagine what she’ll do when she discovers that there was a page right next to her all along.
Read it for the nostalgia of it. If you’ve never played MYST, however, the constant stream of references – literally everything Starlight is going through – will likely go over your head.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Hello, Sedna — WHYRTY?
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle — Pretty Good
Button Hash — Pretty Good
Everypony Cuddles, Sometimes — Pretty Good
If I Could Catch Fuzz In a Bottle — Pretty Good
Empty Claws
2,421 Words
By CalebH
There have been many obstacles between Spike and his love, Rarity. In his resolve and devotion, he has worked tirelessly to find a way past every single one. But now Rarity is trying to open a boutique in Manehattan. That has consequences, and Spike realizes the dream he’s been desperately holding onto for years is finally slipping through his claws.
This was exactly what I expected, but at the same time nothing I anticipated. On the surface, it’s a story about Spike finally facing the fact that Rarity is out of his reach. At the end, however, it ends up being about how facing this kind of cruel reality can be the best thing that might happen to someone.
If I had to complain about anything, it’s that the ending feels a little rushed. Spike just gave up on his years-long crush, and he’s already starting to feel better? Too soon, author.
Even so, this is a surprisingly emotional tale with a great lesson about life and moving on. Told from the perspective of Starlight as she watches Spike take this painful step, it left me with nothing but approval. I can safely say that this is by far the best story I’ve yet to read by this author.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
In Which Princess Luna Has Egg On Her Face — Pretty Good
Diary of the Night — Worth It
Crusader's End — None
Princess Twilight Sparkle found a hidden tome written by her former mentor. After reading and rereading it countless times, she’s decided to write an afterword. In writing it, perhaps she’ll finally come to understand just what Celestia was trying to say.
In this story we learn that Celestia disappeared some 300 years ago, leaving Twilight and Luna alone to rule Equestria. Oh, and apparently something happened to Cadance, as Twilight specifically fails to identify her at all. Now Twilight has apparently done something terrible, so much so that Luna is giving her the cold shoulder, and it’s making her… think… about things.
It’s a strangely complex piece. Not a story, but certainly a mystery. We are not made privy to what Twilight did that is so terrible. We only know that she has retreated from the public to pore over Celestia’s lost manuscript. She learns some things about herself and her mentor in the process. Apparently, we too are meant to take something from this. But only this. The central piece for which the foreword is written for remains eternally missing. I suppose it’s fitting; it’s all about afterwards.
A think piece with a helping of existential dread. I love the hints played throughout and how the author refuses to give us anything concrete, including what becomes of Twilight when it’s over. The catch is that it may be too ‘deep’ for a lot of people. Honestly, there are times when it feels too deep for me, but I never considered myself a deep reader/writer, despite what people might say about me. It was certainly interesting, and had I the time I might have done a few repeat readings to see if I could glean more meaning out of it.
I would recommend this one. It’s clearly a very carefully structured piece that warrants a few extra eyes on it.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Our Day in Disdain
29,865 (Incomplete)
By Rainb0wDashie
Requested by Rainb0wDashie
A mare known only as Dashie returns to Ponyville after many years of absence. Nopony in town is pleased by this, her included.
If you read the overlong description, you'd think this was a story about Rainbow Dash. But Rainbow doesn’t even make an appearance until chapter 10, practically 30,000 words in. The majority of the story is apparently about Rarity and this “Dashie” character. This leads me to one of two possible conclusions: either Rainb0wDashie is lying about who the main character is, or this is going to be one of those frustratingly long-winded stories that takes forever to get anything done and thus loses the majority of its audience before even finishing the 10-chapter “introduction”. I have every reason to suspect it’s that second one.
I think I see what Rainb0wDashie is trying to do. The story feels like it’s trying to emulate a certain old-school literary style. The author does state in the first chapter’s (overly informative) author’s notes that they were going for a Psychological Horror/Dark Romanticism vibe inspired by Cupcakes and Past Sins. I haven’t read the latter (I know, I know, it’s on my to-do list), so I can’t say if they’re on the right track in that particular regard.
Anyway, the story supposedly about Rainbow Dash spends pretty much all of the chapters published at this time focusing on Rarity being gradually more pissed off, Dashie being treated as a pariah to the point of violence, and Sweetie Belle being unfairly caught in the middle. I’m assuming this is all nothing more than setting the scene for the real story, which we might just be getting to in the latest chapter published during my read-through, Chapter 10. I’m left scratching my head about a lot of what I’m seeing. There are glaring inconsistencies with the show, but also issues with the plot I can’t make any sense of.
For instance, apparently this “Dashie” was exiled from Ponyville. By Princess Celestia. Personally. WTF? Why would Celestia do that? It doesn’t jive with her character at all, and it makes no sense in any context. If you consider a pony that much of a danger, why only banish her from one town?
Also, how is it Twilight knows all about this? Whatever Dashie did was apparently so bad that all the adults in town absolutely refuse to bring it up around their children. And Rarity says it all went down before Sweetie Belle was born which, unless Twilight is a lot older than she appears, suggests to me that Twilight would likely have also been kept in the dark by Celestia. Yet when Twilight meets Dashie, she treats her like an age-old enemy readily identifiable on sight. Which is a hard pill to swallow when we know she’s not been to Ponyville prior to The Elements of Harmony.
Also, Rainb0wDashie wants us to believe that Dashie broke Twilight’s back. By tripping and falling on her. I’m sorry, is Dashie a giant? Or maybe Twilight’s bones are made of glass. Because I don’t see any reasonable, realistic way we can be expected to believe this. Do you know how many times in-show Twilight has tumbled, been rammed into, or been part of one of Rainbow’s crashes? And you want me to believe that one pony falling against Twilight from behind is enough to break her back. And note that it would have to be “against” Twilight, not “on” Twilight, because last I checked most ponies are of a similar size and there’s no indication that Dashie is any bigger than, say, Rainbow Dash. Yet here Rainb0wDashie is trying to convince us that, somehow, on perfectly level terrain, this pony tripped and fell on top of a perfectly healthy, upright alicorn, cracking her spine and leaving her permanently paralyzed in the process.
There are a lot more unbelievable things in this story. For example, there’s the weird stuff surrounding Rarity. Supposedly, Rarity depends on a huge sales period right before the Grand Galloping Gala to survive. I’d be willing to accept that as an issue in, say, Season 2 or 3. But this is set after the CMC have their cutie marks. Rarity has a store in Canterlot. She’ll be expanding into Manehattan soon. I’m pretty sure she was not depending on Gala sales to survive at that point. And yet we are told she’s down to her last bits and on her way to the poorhouse if she doesn’t get new orders soon.
...and what does any of this have to do with what this story is supposedly about?
On top of that is the uncharacteristic behavior of ponies in general. Does anyone here legit believe that sweet, kind, motherly Miss Cheerilee is going to beat up on a pony to within an inch of her life?
Then we have the idea that Celestia put into place a law declaring that anypony who attacks any other pony by any means, including by proxy and even in self-defense, or controls another pony against their will, or conceals a crime in any way is a criminal who can be imprisoned and executed. Do you realize how many of our favorite ponies would be in jail or dead at this point if this were a legit thing? Hell, Twilight probably would have been hung for the Lesson Zero episode alone!
Rainb0wDashie, I get that you’re trying to generate some kind of serious scenario that will cause our favorite characters to do uncharacteristic and dark things. That’s fine. But if you’re really trying to do this, it would help a ton if the methods weren’t obvious and unrealistic shoehorning. If the story is set in an alternate Equestria from the show, you need to clarify that so we don’t scoff when you completely defy the show’s reality. Even if it’s just the AU tag. And even with an AU tag, you need to clarify things beyond merely saying “this is a thing that happened”.
Why is Twilight acting like a jerk to a pony she has no reason to know when she’s supposed to be the Princess of Friendship? Why is Scootaloo essentially ignoring her friends’ very serious problems as if she legit doesn’t care about her friends or their issues? If Rarity is somehow dependent upon gala sales to survive, how did she ever afford a boutique in Canterlot, and how did her business ever get off the ground in the early years before anyone was buying gala dresses from her? How is it that Rainbow Dash shows more common sense, intelligence, empathy, and self control than the motherbucking Princess of Friendship?
Why is the doctor talking to Rarity about “finding someone to look after Twilight” when he’s got a seriously injured member of Royalty in his hospital and should have sent word to Celestia and Luna about it the instant she passed through the hospital doors with a broken back? Hell, why didn’t Spike do that?
When is the whole “Psychological Horror” aspect going to kick in? I haven’t seen even a trace of that yet.
And all of this is centered around the mare Dashie, whom everyone treats like a villain when so far we’ve not seen her do anything serious and appears for all the world like the victim in everything that’s happening. It’s almost as if the author were trying to paint every other character in Equestria as the villain. And again, why are we going through all this rigmarole instead of, you know, the thing the story description says this story is about?
I guess the real question I have is: what was your plan, author? I understand you’re going for a Dark Romanticism slant, but that’s no excuse to transform every character into some inept/evil doppelganger. You would have been better off using OCs in an entirely different town rather than characters with long-established traits that will be completely broken by the new storytelling aesthetic. In fact, that would solve most of the character-specific problems instantly, if not all of them.
Another solution would be to narrow the story down to being strictly about Rainbow Dash and Dashie, rather than half the population of Ponyville. It feels like you’re trying to do way too much with tools that aren’t fit for the roles. Granted, there may be a way to get the characters into those roles without them being over-the-top out-of-character as they are here, but that requires time, a deep awareness of who the characters are, and justifiable, realistic events pushing them in that direction. You’re certainly giving yourself the time, but the behavior of Pinkie, Rarity, Twilight, and Rainbow suggests you’re twisting them into something they aren’t to try and force them into their roles, and the events surrounding them don’t make sense even outside the context of the show. So for now, my strongest suggestion would be to ditch most of the extraneous characters and focus primarily on Rainbow and Dashie, with maybe a third character in there as support. Maybe consider shifting to an entirely OC cast so you don’t have to deal with changing the core elements of our favorite ponies.
I’ve read enough stories in my time to know that a concept of this variety can work, but as it stands I’m sorry to say Our Day in Disdain isn’t there. I hope this doesn’t turn you off to the work ahead, Rainb0wDashie; I know how hard it is to face something like this. I encourage you to keep trying. Perhaps you’ll be able to shine this into a proper gem.
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Waiting For You — Pretty Good
A Unicorn Filly And An Alicorn Mare On The Moon
1,238 Words
By Twilight Star
Sequel to Can I be a friend of the moon?
Filly Trixie has been on the moon for a few days now, and she really enjoys it up there. Especially with her new friend, Nightmare Moon. But then Princess Twilight Sparkle, apparently exploring different timelines, appears out of nowhere.
Seeing that this was written 9-½ months after its predecessor, I was curious to see if Twilight Star had improved in any way at all during that time. And the result?
The alicorn looked around confusedly. “Huh? Is this alternate timeline on the moon? Now a research is that i like to do and know how is like the lfe of the ponies here.”
Did Nightmare Moon make a castle on the moon? But that couldn’t be possible. That was scientifically impossible! “But how did you make a castle on the moon? This is scientifically impossible!”
Nightmare Moon couldn’t help but deny that Trixie was cute and adorable because the filly was always smiling cute.
That’d be a big no.
I’m sorry to say that this is not an improvement. In fact, it may even be a step backwards. Tell still runs rampant, none of the characters behave realistically, so on and so forth. Are we just going to forget that Trixie has a father? Why is she acting like being on the moon is a bad thing and she needs to come up with a lie? This is nonsense, and this time it doesn’t even manage to capitalize on the potential adorabetes that is foals. Which was the only thing the prior story had going for it.
Bookshelf: None
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Can I be a friend of the moon? — Needs Work
Pinkie's Popeyes Preference
1,716 Words
By RhetCon
Sequel to Pinkie's Pepsi Predilection
Sunset is stuck staying at Twilight’s for a while, at least until her apartment can be fixed after getting flooded with Pepsi. One night she heads downstairs to get a snack or drink, only to find both Popeye’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken in Twi’s freezer. Choose wisely, Sunset…
In the last story, Pinkie (and apparently the entirety of CHS) demonstrated her inferior taste in drinks. This was acceptable to me, as her eternal sugar rush would need the appropriate fuel. But here she demonstrates that it is Sunset who is crazy for actually preferring the inferior product that is KFC over Popeye’s. Sci-Twi and Pinkie try to stage an intervention, with predictably silly results. Sunset has my sympathies.
...I feel obligated to note that I read this after spending eight straight days having Popeye’s chicken, biscuits, and red beans n’ rice for lunch. No, that’s not a joke or an exaggeration. I bought a family meal and ate it all by myself, a little at a time.
Paul loves him some Popeye’s.
As such, I really enjoyed this one. More so than the last. Felt like I had some skin in the game this time.
This is a silly story written for silliness’s sake, just like the last one. Go in expecting that and you’ll be fine. My only real question is why Twilight is depicted as living alone rather than with her family, though I suppose if Sunset can get away with it...
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
I'm So Sorry! — Worth It
Pinkie's Pepsi Predilection — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
Tales of Apple Scratch: The Lieutenant Cloud Kicker by Mariacheat-Brony
The Flicker of a Film by The Princess Rarity
History Repeats by SaddlesoapOpera
Sunset: To Equine or Not Too Equine by Sunset_Shimmer83
Accepting Help by Tinybit92
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Amateurity is what better describes Understand Them, since I wrote it before I learned a lot of thigns about writing.
This one and the previous story you review from me are some of the ones that I consider (and you've pointed out fairly) could've been better if I had approached them with a better mentality at time of writing. It's soemthing I'm still learning to do.
Hopefully the next story of mine that catches your attention won't fall into thsi category.
P.S: I did have some other ideas for the Them series, that sadly I can't recall, but the zombie genere is one of my favorites, so i may try another one for nostalgia's sake.
I love hot chocolate. It’s like my favourite drink.
Eyy pretty good review! Thanks for taking the time to review my story
I wanna address some things though, and I don't know if I'm in sound enough mind to be doing this because I had an edible the other night and I'm still recovering from it. However:
That's the angle I'm trying to go for with this story. We all know how everyone acts because of the show, so seeing them act so uncharacteristically is supposed to be like a "whoa" moment, like "I know how this character is supposed to be, and she's not acting that way, what would cause her to act in such a way? what happened between them and this character"
At least that's the framing device I'm going for; if I'm not hitting the mark I'm trying to hit can you give me some advice on how I could do it better? Because that leads into the second problem I'm experiencing with writing this story that you touched on
A big part of the problem I believe, is I didn't write a good description so it's conflicting with the framing device. The framing device employs a lot of hook you along kind of slow-burn mystery stuff, but because I was struggling to write a good enough description that doesn't spoil the big reveals of the story i set the reader up for a missed expectation. They're expecting rainbow dash but they don't get her until several chapters in.
If you have any advice on how to fix this problem I would greatly appreciate it too. Obviously because the entire story is in my head I know it works but because I've written this story over the course of 10 years I've hit a few snags, so while I know the entire story, the reader doesn't, and if I want to do this slow burn mystery I need to be very careful about it.
So yeah, thank you very much for the review, if you have any advice on how to mitigate those things I mentioned I would be very appreciative as well
5478250
Well, here's the thing: there's an easy, obvious answer that any reader can turn to when it comes to that question. And that answer is: "because the author doesn't know what s/he's doing."
That's not to say you don't know what you're doing! I haven't read your story, I couldn't say either way. But it is to point out that, when something contrary to all previous logic happens in a fic, the reader has a choice to make. They can either assume that there's some good reason for it that's going to be explained, or they can assume that the author made a mistake. So the real question you need to be asking yourself is, "How to I convince my readers that I know what I'm doing? How do I show them that I'm not just bad at characterizing ponies, and that I'm really going somewhere with this?"
There are a lot of things that can reassure a reader, without you having to spoil the "woah" moment by bringing in the reveal earlier than you want to. But the biggest one is just technical and storytelling competence. To wit: if I'm reading a story that, up to this point, is well-told, engaging, and clever, and then something that seems totally nonsensical happens, I'll almost certainly give the author the benefit of the doubt, and assume they're going somewhere with this. If, on the other hand, I was already questioning story or character decisions when I got to the seemingly-nonsensical bit, then I probably won't.
So if Paul (or other readers) are bouncing off of, say, Cheerilee's characterization, then you might want to think about how to establish your Cheerilee-writing bonafides before we get to the "beat her within an inch of her life" bit. Are you showing them before that moment that you do, in fact, know how to write a convincing Cheerilee? More generally, are you demonstrating that you can write the various canon characters acting the way we expect them to before you have them make some major break? If not, then perhaps you want to think about how you can show the reader that you know what you're doing, before you get to a scene where you basically have to say to them, "just trust me that it's gonna pay off."
I love Popeye's red beans and rice, but that's about all I can eat there. The chicken does unfortunate things to my digestive tract.
Only one I've read is "This Day in Disdain," and I bailed out after chapter 2, so I didn't even encounter most of those problems. I was a bit dismayed that nothing of the main plot had happened through chapter 2, and it's not encouraging to hear that continues on for everything that's been written so far. I mostly quit because the proofreading was bugging me too much.
Ooh, Empty Claws sounds like something I want to read. :) And thanks for the info on Understanding Them, I've got a slate of those fics to read at some point in the future, and now I know about two more!
Why only five stories next time? :O
Aside from the allergic, who doesn't like hot chocolate?
5478286
Exactly this, I think that if I throw the reader off, like I'm doing with the miss-fire description, it makes the reader already question the story so when all the other stuff starts happening they become thrown off.
Thanks for the response by the way, it gives me a lot to think about. I don't usually get a lot of comments on my stories, so stuff like a reader's mentality really helps me understand where my pitfalls are. Because in my head it could be the best damn story ever, but in execution it could fall flat because I missed something that was completely obvious and I was too blinded by my own investment to the story.
So stuff like these reviews and your comment are very helpful, since I'm trying to play with people's preconceptions of these characters. I'm skirting a fine line so I need them to still be believable even if I'm bending their characterizations. Don't want to bend too far and break them ya know? Or break them, and give an explanation as to why. I don't know, I'm rambling at this point.
I hope you get what I'm saying, I'm still a little spacey
Thanks for the review! I loved reading it!
I'm the only guy at work that doesn't drink coffee. I do like tea, though.
But that's besides the point. To make up for the lack of caffeine, I too am a big hot chocolate drinker. I've tried different variants and so far my favorites are salted caramel, peppermint, and mint. I've also had some good Mexican style cocoa, which gives it a little spice flavor to it.
As for brands, Barrie House had a good salted caramel K-cup and there're variety packs on Amazon that have the other flavors (and more) I listed above. I found Barrie House in Wegmans, but the last few times I've gone there they haven't had them in stock. They may not sell them anymore. Like you, I keep finding the Swiss Miss.
If you're willing to splash out I'd look into stuff labeled drinking chocolate. It's a bit different in that it has dregs in the bottom, but the flavour of it is top notch I find.
I love a local company called Soma chocolatiers stuff, but it might be a bit pricy to ship stateside.
More solid reviews as always, and kudos on trying to be kind to newbie authors too.
I've had hot chocolate from a number of (common) brands, even some Equal Exchange stuff (which was pretty good). In recent years, I've taken to mixing it up myself because it's cheap, adaptable, and generally contains waaay less sugar considering the amount of mix I end up using otherwise. Honestly, I'm not sure if there's a form of chocolate that you couldn't get away with using for a base (doesn't have to be powder), aside from some of the cheapest brands, especially cheap milk chocolates because they don't melt very well. I mean, I still have, but the result clearly suffered for it.
Also I don't know what the difference between coffee and hot chocolate is aside from the addition of coffee beans to the process.
Almost any type of hot chocolate can be improved by a single drop of Tabasco sauce. I'm not kidding. One drop isn't enough to taste or make the hot chocolate hot, but it's enough to give a little extra stimulus to the taste buds, which tells the brain that the chocolate is more chocolate. Works with milkshakes, too.
5478214
Perhaps, someday, I will read one of your more recent works. Given my penchant for keeping a list of previously reviewed authors for exactly that purpose, the chance is never zero.
If you do write more Them-centric stories, let me know and I'll fast track it.
5478250
5478286
Chris's idea is a solid one. How can we trust that you have a proper grasp of Cheerilee's character if the very first thing we see of her involves over-the-top violence? In fact, the only thing we see of her throughout the story is violence and hatred. Heck, it's the only thing we see of the entire town's adult population which, needless to say, isn't the Ponyville your readers know and love.
You're clearly trying to walk a fine line, but I can see you've already intentionally leaped off the deep end. The grinding nature of the story coupled with your claim to make it a slow burn demonstrates this. By making that decision, you've already alienated a large portion of the average audience. Which is fine, provided you don't want the average reader but instead someone like, say, SpitFlame. It's going to be a demanding story, not just on the readers but also on you due to the sheer devotion required to finish something like this.
So, how to introduce both Cheerilee and the majority of the Ponyville population without ruining their collective characters as already known by the audience? The Cheerilee one is not so difficult, just show her teaching class normally prior to the fighting. It's going to make the opening even longer than it was, but if you're committed to the moving at Tank's pace then that might actually appeal to you. The trick will be finding a way to make the scene have any sort of importance to the rest of the story.
An easy solution would be to make the entire opener be from Sweetie's eyes rather than Rarity's, maybe even combining the first two chapters into a single big entity. This could give Sweetie more presence in the overarching intro, since it looks like you intend to make her a major player, and we can still get a hint of Rarity's situation when she comes home and overhears at least some of what she's saying to Pinkie. This would also be the perfect opportunity to see the change in Cheerilee; perhaps somepony comes in during class and says something to Cheerilee about Dashie's arrival, and Sweetie gets to personally witness the change come over her sweet, kind teacher despite her attempts to hide it.
This would still be an extreme change and is not guaranteed to completely fix the issue, but honestly, you're turning Cheerilee from a motherly schoolmarm to the violent, vicious leader of a lynch mob. There's no way to make that smoothly convincing without an entire character arc devoted to it alone, and you clearly don't have time for that. But at least seeing her "normal" at the beginning of the story and witnessing the change provides some visible trigger, and that's better than nothing.
The description is indeed a problem. Normally I'd recommend starting the story with Rainbow Dash coming home to find the ongoing mess, but it seems clear you don't want to start with that. My suggestion, then, would be to focus the description on Dashie, since she's present from Chapter 2 onward (Chapter 1 if you follow my suggestion above) and is clearly a central character, if not the protagonist. This could backfire if Rainbow swoops in and becomes the protagonist herself, but you could always end the description with a reference to her imminent arrival.
5478301
Believe me, I understand completely.
A shame that the chicken disagrees with you, but I'll agree that their red beans n' rice is top notch.
5478315
The details can be found here, but the summary:
Extra RL work on my plate is part of the reason. The other, bigger part is my decision to review a big (70k+ words) story every week, as I've developed a significant backlog of them. The big stories take up so much of my reading time now that I just can't squeeze in as much reading of shorter material like I used to. It got to the point where I had to either read a lot more than my usual to keep up or change the way I schedule stories. I went with the latter. So now the number of reviews every week will be variable based upon some strict limitations I've placed upon myself, all for the sake of not killing myself with endless days of nonstop reading.
I do want to have a life outside of reading and writing reviews, after all.
5478384
Barrie House, eh? I will have to take a look!
5478397
This Soma stuff looks pretty good. I'd be willing to bite the financial bullet for a taste test.
5478431
Self-made hot chocolate? Interesting. Might have to look into that.
5478543
Tabasco? I never would have considered it. But I wouldn't be a proper Cajun if I couldn't tolerate the heat, so I may just give it a go.
5478648
I honestly can't recommend it enough. Everything I've ever had from them (And I've been buying from them for a long while now) is top notch.
Plus it feels good to support a small business doing ethical business in the cocoa industry, which is traditionally pretty scummy.
5478651
Went ahead and ordered some of their "Dark Side of the Mug", and whoa, them shipping prices are steep. Luckily, I way underspent at the groceries this week, so I'm still well below my weekly financial self-limitations.
5478658
Yeah, cross-border shipping isn't cheap >< I'm hopeful it'll be worth it tho. And if it is, when the world goes back to allowing socializing and conventions I can ferry some over to you and save you the shipping cost n_n
5478659
Assuming I end up really liking it, that would be awesome.
I got the 200g can this time around. Figure if it's good enough then I'll go for the 500g bag later. The better to make it last.
5478668
Absolutely! And yeah, better to try it before investing in a lot.
5478650
No heat, honest! Just flavor enhancement. But then, my dad was born in New Iberia and spent his younger days "raisin' hell" up and down Bayou Teche, so Tabasco is as was as much a part of his life as air. I might be a bit biased.
5478641
That's some good advice, I'll try to work with that. Thanks again
5478700
Oh, your dad's from Louisiana, too? Nice. In that case I am mostly reassured.
5478645
Ah, yeah, that makes sense. I'm kind of trying to read more longish stories as well, and that just means my posting frequency gets longer. :B
5478673
Mom & Dad visiting for the weekend: "What's that can on the counter?"
Me: "Oh, that's liquid chocolate mix. I imported it from Canada."
Them: "You mean it's hot chocolate?"
Me: "No, it's different." *Opens can, let's them see bag of chips inside* "You melt these to make it."
Dad: *pours a handful of the $50 imported chocolate pieces in his palm and eats them* "Huh. Tastes pretty good."
Me: *eye twitching* D-doesn't it, though...
5486702
...That physically hurt me. I am so sorry for your pain.