Penalt
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Penalt · 48k words · 92 26 · 1.9k views
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Chapter 2 should be up later today.
The story is going very nicely. There are some issues with your writing style itself, but they will clean up over time.
Things like swapping between US and UK style punctuation, there was one paragraph where you had Raarg and Rarity both talk (generally you keep character speech to their own paragraphs). Also, don't be afraid to mash paragraphs together if one character continues talking, I noticed that a lot in the first chapter.
Good luck, and please, keep writing!
7437786 Thanks, I'm finding I'm improving and changing as I go. The paragraph mash is because I write the story on a separate word document then copy/paste it onto the site. With Chapter 1 it worked fine. But with this Chapter it mashed all the paragraphs together and I had to manually separate them.
I will try to watch the punctuation. So far, getting it right has been my biggest technical headache.
7437808 I get the same problem, it occurs when the word processor's settings are for 'auto paragraphing' or such. But yeah, getting better with each chapter is good!
You do keep slipping between American and British style for punctuation around quotes. I really recommend looking up some grammar guides (I do this myself from time to time), and practice practice practice!
As for the chapter itself, I would normally say that his (obviously years) of training and servitude were broken in less than an hour, but it IS Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, Sue of Mary. If rainbows, friendship, or magic can't solve a problem for her, it clearly isn't a problem with any solution at all. I am not sure if/how far you plan ahead your story, but I might suggest him needing repeated treatment, maybe the wounds opening up and re-breaking him, needing repeated work by Twilight, but of course each time he is freed he begs her to keep fighting for him. Would mean it is a little bit less of a 'magical alicorn healing' and more of a 'slow, long-term recovery'.
Anyhow, great work for a new writer, please continue!
7468562 I'm getting the feeling that if I can control that back and forth shift it will be what takes me from a beginning writer to an okay writer. I've figured out where it comes from though. I'm Canadian, so I was schooled heavily in British grammar forms. But, I spent many years flying a tech support/CSR desk for a couple of US companies (HP and eBay) so I had to write a lot of reports for an American audience. I think I need to recognize when I am shifting from one to the other and learn to control it.
Down the road it might be an interesting way to differentiate between different characters speech though.
As to how far I plan. I have a general overall outline of how I want things to go and a general idea of how to resolve things at the end. But other than that I tend to just sort of let things flow and then go back and re-write to make sure I keep things consistent and don't have to retcon anything. I do like your idea of this only being the beginning of Side Slip's recovery though. It definitely reduces the Mary Sue quotient and I have some real world family experiences to base things on.
I have to say I'm really appreciating your input. You've been a great help.
7469456 I am an Aussie myself, brought up with and taught all the lovely British English things. But alas, the world seems more and more American and, since I do freelance writing too, it is best for me to stick to "the standard" that nearly all of my readers and clients wish.
Basing story plots, or at least plot-points, on real life things is great, you already know what your characters will feel (to some extent), and likely already know enough about it to really push deep. I assume in this case the bridle themselves slowly wreck these wounds on the mind, in which case Rarity is in for a rough ride as she slowly becomes Valiente. The question will be, who is Valiente, who will her master make her into?
I write a daily blog for my readers to ignore, but some of them are occasionally mad enough to read it. Will point them over here in today's, your story deserves more views.
Edit: Also, groups are magic! Poked you into a few, based on what you have shown here already. That WILL pull new readers, and likely new comments and votes. Beware, do not fear downvotes unless they come with a comment telling you why they didn't like the story.
7470195 Thanks for poking into other groups. I'm still learning my way around the site mechanics as well. Just fyi, from this point on I'm likely going to be keeping my chapters relatively short. I still need to improve my proof reading. Especially as the next chapter or two will reveal a couple of essential plot points.
7470815 I highly suggest using LanguageTool grammar checker (I use it as a plugin in LibreOffice, but you can set it up for firefox and chrome too). And yeah, groups are a great way to get your stories out and into the browsers of new readers. 2-3k per chapter is where I tend to stay, keeps it neat, without being too big a bite to take of a reader's day.
I'm really excited to see more of this story, if it properly shows Rarity's journey into conditioning among other things, or if she will resist the entire way. You introduced another character to show a possible final result, but the journey, seeing it in action, is an interesting idea.
Raarg and his cohorts aren't terribly wise, I must say. They're literally courting annihilation. Sure, they have a treaty, but they've also made off with one of Equestria's most important national security assets. All bets would be off once the Diarchs find out.
7470990
Yeah the politics behind this are nonsensical. If Celestia already knew about the slavery then how is there not already a war?
7471743 Eh, it's AU territory. Maybe they forgot about that particular aspect of the treaty, given the D-bag Dogs haven't been following its terms for like, ever.
Penalt, you've got me all anxious as to what's gonna happen to Rares. Good job!
7472265 Thank you. I consider that high praise considering this story is my first writing attempt. And you are bang on, the dogs ARE courting annihilation through their actions. However, there is method in their madness, though there may indeed be too much madness in their method.
7471743 One aspect to them is that Celestia doesn't know the frequency. Going to war, where many more ponies may be captured and/or killed, because the dogs are taking a pony every few years, might be a very bad idea. Not to mention that a war is not guaranteed to actually fee all the ponies already enslaved.
7472399 Well, the problem is they've basically kidnapped the political equivalent of a US Carrier Group. Equestria literally cannot let that stand; well, in any realistic political sense. But this is pony-magic-land, so... *shrug*
7472473 Not really. Rarity is an important pony, but she isn't thousands of people, she is one mare. A war, at least in a dark Equestria where such shenanigans as this happens, would not just be an alicorn coming down and declaring the dogs 'scattered'.
7472506 She's kind of one of the activation keys for the Equestrian's super-weapon Friendship Laser. They might want that back.
7472529 Or maybe this is a lesson for Twilight, to learn that sometimes a princess has to give up personal ties for the good of her nation.
7472577 I dunno, those personal ties are kind of essential to the safety of their nation.
7472691 Heh, the nation did quite well up until Twi and her friends suddenly were there to defend everything. *smells a protection racket*
7482203 Well that's just cause all the monsters were on a 1000-year cooldown timer!
7484181 Ah, well things are fine then, they are back on those cooldowns! Diamond dogs, have at it!
Chapter 4 is primarily done as of about 10 minutes ago but I'm going to spend a couple of days editing, proof reading and formatting. Hopefully getting it right.
In regards to punctuation around quotes, you have a few instances (mostly early on) where you are putting it outside the quote. A search for the closing quote, space, comma should find them easily enough.
We get some politics, drama, and a little of the 'action' showing how this training bridle is going to do its job.
Politics:
There is a big exposition dump, with Raarg talking about the different parts of the church. The leader should already know this, it sticks out a little that he is really saying this for the reader's benefit. Maybe an earlier scene, with Raarg actually going to the church/shrine, where a priest gives out benedictions, perhaps inducting young dogs into the pertinent orders, explaining to them what their duties and faiths require, would be a better way to get this information shown, and not told.
The avarice of the leader is obvious, he sees Rar- Valiente, as a chip, pure chattel. The church will see her as a holy symbol, a mark that should remain if not inviolate, then at least revered even as she is trained. Raarg, poor Raarg seems trapped, he is willing to fight and do nearly anything for his people, but clearly not if it costs them their soul—his own seems expendable to him.
Drama:
Rar- Valiente, tries to stir up the dogs, tries to bring them to arms against each other. She might have had a hope if half weren't in awe of her and half didn't want to put her on a pedestal and worship her.
Action:
The capture bridle seems a very interesting device, but I wonder at the fact that more tricks were not built into it. Maybe the reigns should try and snare branches and things, to tether the pony more forcefully. Maybe even grow blinkers or more restrictive devices to make it harder for the pony to effectively escape. In short, it seems too 'fair'.
The training bridle is everything you would expect of it, so far. Pavlovian training is shown, punishing her for saying (maybe even thinking?) her name, and I take it those 'zaps', obviously induced by her fighting the training plan, will slowly break her normal 'Rarity' personality away and imprint Valiente in its place. The interesting thing is, how much of her will it carry over to this new pony? Would she be able to 'keep' parts of herself by working with the training and not struggling? But then, if she does such a thing, wouldn't that not be an even better training in the long run, breaking her actual will, rather than forcing the new persona into her?
In all, shaping up very nicely and I greatly look forward to reading more.
PS. I can't help but giggle at 'also liked' linking one of my most disliked stories I have ever written. Bravo fimfic, bravo.
I do hope Rarity kills those foolish Diamond Bastards, she should let "Nightmarity" loose so she can get free, I mean after all her Nightmare form will be OVERKILL to take care of those Diamond Bastards, I can't wait to see what happens next.
I love you.
Not as fast as they're probably going to be... Howl really isn't thinking this through.
7490314 Honestly, once Luna learns what's happened she could annihilate their entire species without even lifting a hoof.
7490266 Thanks for that. I knew I was getting heavy on the exposition but I wrote it anyway trying to get back to the 'action'. I like your idea and if you don't mind I might somewhat steal it down the road. I'd much prefer to 'show not tell' when it comes to plot points. It's made me realize that once I've written something I should step back and see if I could have done it differently instead.
As for the capture bridle. I had meant to write that it also affected the mind. Triggering the flight response to wear out the victim to keep them from fighting or at least from fighting effectively when eventually run to ground. So, yes, you definitely caught that as initially written it was too fair.
I do intend for another of the Mane 6 to run afoul of a capture bridle so I may include it there.
7490468
Oh, that sort of exposition supply without being a dump, is a classic trick. An 'outside' or 'new' character to the situation, being explained what is going on, is a great way to explain it to the reader too. Explaining it to the camp leader, who really should know the politics of his dogs already, was a bit far-reaching.
Seems a touch dangerous, as Rarity showed by collapsing and almost dying from being run to ground.
This would be quite interesting, particularly if they got away from the dogs and then had to live with the thing attached to them, and being unable to get it off. Particularly with the bit. Rainbow Dash, feeling a constant urge to get away and fly, or giving up and not being able to fight. Shy might be a bad target, although if it is 'FIGHT or flight' it could trigger her to be much more aggressive than she other wise is.
Some things that concern me, after having had some time to think about the story and how it is progressing.
Side characters: We all know who Muffins/Derpy is, we all grin when we see Lyra. You are giving us no other dogs to relate to, or think about—particularly in Raarg's pack. I would expect Rarity, by now, to at least know the names of most of them, particularly if she wants to have a hope of getting under their skin.
The Process: Please, for the love of zap-apples, don't skimp on the breaking of Rarity into Valiente. I think I speak for a lot of your readers when I say the process, the idea of it, is what a lot us are here for. Her point of view, or Raarg's commentary as she fights against losing herself, are things I certainly look forward to.
Breaking: Not referring to Rarity here, not directly. This is a magical process that is done to ponies, over time, that up until recently nothing has had any success in improving. Twilight can still be an amazing savior of the slaves, but it would hurt the whole story if she literally snapped her hooves and could undo it. Maybe the initial undoing works well, but leaves the ponies still feeling the life of their slave-self, still dropping back to it on occasion. Maybe it needs repeated work by an alicorn to fix.
The Reason: Tantalizing as it is, being foreshadowed and dangling before us, the 'why' of Raarg's 'saving his people' is a black cloud, might I suggest giving us things, ideas, as to what it will be. That has the added bonus of encouraging reader-to-reader conversations (and even arguments) about it.
Lastly, know one thing. I wouldn't bother leaving ideas/critique to this extent if I wasn't fully engaged in your world and story. Keep it up!
EDIT: Chatting with another of your readers, gaining ideas.
The capture halter expressly produces a horn-blocker for unicorns. I presume it would foul a pegasus' wings, or even form hobbles on an earth pony. Applejack trapped unable to buck. Rainbow Dash finding herself unable to fly. Pinkie not able to pronk around, and with a bit fixed in place, unable to tell a joke.
I think I've seen more stories where newly-introduced Diamond Dog OCs are incredibly eloquent compared to the ones in the show than there are stories that stick with what we've seen.
I mean, couldn't you have the same effect even with limited speaking capabilities? It would be more of a challenge, sure, but when every Diamond Dog OC is so 'extraordinary', it loses its effect. They stop feeling like a Diamond Dog character, which defeats the purpose of making them one in the first place.
7493653 *raises a hoof* Mine was brutish and nasty, horrible and cowardly. Does that help raise the average enough for this story to be okay?
Soo... Basically his people are Parasites that need to be exterminated just as bad as the changelings of cannon Chrysalis's Hive.
7493925
Woah there, let's not get hasty! I didn't say this story wasn't okay!
I may think portraying Raarg closer to one of the Diamond Dogs from the show proper and then fleshing him out would've been more effective, but I didn't mean to say I disapprove of the story as a whole.
7496286 I would portray his pack as a lot less civilized, he is after all, the leader of a pack, a sort of paragon.
Also, those dogs (in the show) were ultimately described here as 'kids', so their being a little simpler, with undeveloped speech, makes a little sense. But yeah, in the story where I have used them (for about 4k words or so), they were only a fraction brighter than portrayed in the show.
Still very interested in seeing where this is going.
What can I say... I like it, its quite interesting.
7496286 Fair enough. You make good points, and in future stories or characters I might indeed take your approach. I am very, very new at writing stories and believe it or not every comment from my readers opens new vistas of possibilities to me so don't feel bad about commenting as you did. Right now, I'm pretty much committed to my current approach in the portrayals of Raarg and Howl. I have very definite mental images of those two.
Chapter 5 may run late compared to my usual every 10 days. There is a lot going on now. And I have to try to do it all justice. I'm expecting to have to do at least a couple of rewrites and more than a little back checking to make sure I'm keeping things consistent with previous chapters and the ongoing story.
That and I have careful not to spoil things here either.
Poor enslaved Rarity, perhaps to become a sex slave of the Diamond Dogs.
Hrmm, was just rereading this, and I noticed you mention 'leather' in there. I would think Rarity would have had a strong reaction to that, since it is made from the skin of (in Everglow) intelligent animals.
This is shaping up to be one of the best stories I've read in a while. You are a really good writer already, and this is just your first story! I'm really looking forward to the next chapter(s) because I'm interested to see how you will handle the mind breaking-aspect of the story. As Damaged said already, this is really delicate and shouldn't be rushed. But I have faith that you can pull it off nicely
7515748 Good catch. I've been trying to avoid using that word and it must have slipped in. Edited it out.
7516079 Rubber can be a good substitute, it is a natural substance and pony-level tech would be up to making it. Another thought is woven hemp.
7517894 I've been keeping the materials used intentionally vague. I did know that I wanted to avoid leather though, due to its animal origins. I certainly did not want to go with the 'leather plant' option from the The Dresden Fillies, funny as it was though.
It's weird. Normally seeing a character I love broken like this isn't something I'd enjoy reading. But I checked it out anyway, and I've been enjoying it. So I guess that means you're doing a pretty good job!
What is taking you so long to save Rarity and NUKE those Bastard Diamond Dogs, heck Celestia should have Rarity saved and then send a Solar Flare down on those Mutts to show them that NO ONE messes with her ponies.
Nicely written, I see the training involves tying their names to their personas. Rarity is the mare that was, Valiente is the mare that soon will be; poetic and linked nicely with Pavlovian training. Make her want to be Valiente, make being Rarity painful and unable to be endured and, soon, she will want to be Valiente more than anything else in the world.
There were some repeated words here, I noticed one line had the word 'effect' in it a few times, generally something to be avoided unless you are specifically using it to add emphasis (can be great for mind-control from the controlled's point of view). EG; "He wanted to last longer. He needed to last longer. He would last longer."
Forget chapter lengths, release your stuff in whatever format you wish. Keep up the great work!
7528076 Good advice as always. I'll try to be more careful to avoid word repetition. Seriously, do you teach creative writing for a living? You have yet to steer me wrong with your advice.
As for Rarity. I've read a fair bit of this kind of fiction in the past and most of it just suddenly shifts the target character's personality instantly or nearly so. But that isn't how these things happen. Stockholm Syndrome and similar take time to develop. Rarity is a strong willed, capable mare. It would be a disservice to the character to have her suddenly succumb. Raarg might be pulling out all the stops and even have the upper hand, er paw, but Rarity still has plenty of fight in her.
7527685 Well, it would be a pretty short story if all Celestia had to do was break out the Low Orbital Friendship Laser. The next chapter or two will help address your concerns though.
7528149 Indeed, and I will share two facts that make my enjoyment of this greater.
In mind-control and brainwashing stories, I love the struggle, the fight. If the target slips right into their new life I find it bland and boring. Might as well not even have them as a character before.
The other thing, of course, is that to me... Rarity is best pony. She is more fleshed out than most of the mane-6, she started and runs a successful and expanding business and, on top of all of her work, she is still the best friend a pony could ever find. Seeing her lose everything, including her name and self, is an interesting and fun journey.
7528161 Well I do hope they save her and kill those Diamond Bastards, besides if Faust was there then the Diamond Dog race would go the way of the Dinosaurs.
7527513 I'm exactly the same way... which is odd, for someone who likes mind control as a theme (not to mention bridles
). I always feel a bit of trepidation every time I see that Penalt has updated this. 
I neglected to mention, I rather liked the inclusion of the effects of equine exhaustion in the earlier chapter, and this one. I don't think I've seen that done in a FIMFic before.
I think Rares has one potential out left to her (for now), but I don't know that it's one she'd take: sudden, lethal violence. But given the nature of the bridle I imagine killing Raarg would be the end of her, too.