The Gift from the Humans
Princess Celestia was infuriated beyond imagination.
"LUNA, DID YOU EAT MY 'SUGAR PUFF PRINCESS FLAKES?" she screamed, smoke shooting from her ears.
Luna did that old-timey running in place gag, and sped out the door, all the while tugging on her shirt collar and saying "Nnnnng, oh boy, I'M in trouble!"
Princess Celestia had no choice.
"I must make a perilous trip to the Princess Store!" she said, lightning striking as she spoke those dark and mournful words.
Well it was actually a really nice day. Celestia had no idea why she was so worried about going out. Probably just the lack of "Sugar Puff Princess Flakes" talking.
The day started off so rotten, but soon she had a pep in her step, a pop in her hop, a dance in her prance, and a great big 'ol smile on her..... face.
Suddenly, surprisingly, and without warning or foreknowledge, a group of 17 and a half (Franny is pregnant!) humans came bursting from the old mill, which had been relocated to the dead center of Canterlot.
The city fell silent. Birds ceased their chirping, dogs ceased their incessant sniffing, and the city clock failed to ring. Not because it was broken, but because most clocks don't ring at 11:37 AM.
"FOR THE EMPIRE!" screamed the human from Queens. To this day no one knows what "empire" he was referring to.
The humans pulled out a wooden cart, and aimed the large gatling gun it was carrying directly at Princess Celestia.
The silence was torn apart by the sound of exactly 287 bullets ripping through the air and directly into Princess Celestia. Not a single one missed. The human firing the gun grinned smugly at the thought of all the people who told him that video games would never teach him anything.
The humans began dancing and cheering. They continued to dance and cheer until they noticed that the hole-ridden Princess Celestia had joined in on the festivities.
The dancing abruptly ended.
"Oh, are we done dancing?" asked Celestia, with a genuine smile on her face.
"How are you alive?!?" asked all 17 humans in unison. They were all pretty creeped out that they did that.
"What are you talking about?" she asked, still covered in 287 small holes.
"You're SUPPOSED to be a bloody dead body!" said Ted, who was one of the humans.
"Oh, I'm sorry, is this better?" and Celestia collapsed to the ground.
"What are you doing, this is serious!" said Ralph, the demolitions expert.
"Sorry, can't hear you, I'm *tsk* dead," she said, trying to contain her laughter.
The humans were right flummoxed.
At that moment Twilight Sparkle flew in, hair ablaze in anger.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE PRINCESS?" she screamed in a voice that would make Tirek himself whimper like a sad duckling who is lost and afraid and who had also lost his whole family to the snow storm, so now he must go on a grand adventure to find himself.
"Oh hi Twilight, I'm dead!" said the princess gleefully.
"FIRE!" said Brad, who was the hunk of the group of human extremists.
Twilight was struck with 507 bullets. They wanted to make sure the job was done this time.
"WHAT-" and Twilight's eyes filled with rage.
"WHAT-" and the humans began to flee.
"WHAT-" and the ground trembled beneath her.
"WHAT.....STYLISH HOLES!" she said with a big fat smile on her big stupid face.
"Hey Twilight, want to be dead with me?" asked the Princess.
"In a minute, first I need to go thank these strange potato creatures for this new style!" she said.
"Potato creatures?!?!?!?" asked Spuds Starcherson, the only one in the group who actually resembled a potato. Not because he actually looked like one, but because he like, totally had the ATTITUDE of a potato, ya know?
"Hello, I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, it is an honor to meet you! I hope this is a beginning of a great friendship between our people!"
"Hey, look, we went through a lot of trouble to lug this gun through the wormhole. Can't you at least die a LITTLE?" reasonably asked Charles.
"A gun? Can I have a look?" she asked.
Before anyone could say anything, she jumped up to the gun, turned it around and fired. The bullets cut through them like a hot knife through people.
Only Franny survived, because, like, you can't kill a pregnant lady. I'm not that horrible.
"Aw look, they're playing too!" said Celestia, who played dead even harder.
Suddenly the wormhole opened, and a group of people frantically dragged the other humans through.
"Princess, what was that?" asked Twilight.
"New friends!" she said.
Celestia stood up, dusted herself off, and looked at Twilight with a big happy smile.
"Those creatures brought us a great gift," she said, pointing at the black holes all over Twilight. "It would be rude not to return the favor!"
So Celestia had her guards bring the gun to Twilight's lab. They figured out how to reverse engineer the amazing device. After months of work, she was able to use particles on the gun to re-open the wormhole! That's how science works right, you just dust for particles?
"MY LITTLE PONIES, TODAY IS A GREAT DAY IN OUR HISTORY! TODAY WE SHALL OPEN THE DOORWAY TO NEW FRIENDS! TODAY WE SHALL SHOW THESE CREATURES JUST WHAT WE ARE MADE OF! WE ARE PONIES! WE ARE FRIENDSHIP! GO SHOW THEM HOW MUCH WE CARE!" Speeched Celestia, the original gatling gun mounted on her back.
The portal opened, and thousands of ponies poured through. They shot everyone they saw on sight. No one would escape the magic of friendship.
"Princess Twilight, this is all thanks to you. You truly are the princess of Friendship," said Celestia with a wink.
Twilight smiled, and blushed.
This was the end of the humans race. None survived.
Well, except Franny. You can't kill a pregnant woman.
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Riddler is just riddled with riddles.
Breathtaking in its majesty
that was crasy as balls
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/095/835/792.jpg
Sums up my feels on this fix.
Well, of course they are immune to bullets, that is why the royal guards still use spears and stuff. or do you think pony are all morons?
This has to be the dumbest thing I've read in a long, long while.
And I read my own stuff.
7228753
I take this as a compliment of the highest order.
7228754 As you should.
Reminds me of my story Gun Love For The Sun.
7228763
Went through your stories but didn't see that one. Could you link me?
7228766
It's mature rated. I'll PM you.
Don't think you are allowed link to them.
7228770
I don't know what I was expecting
I...
What...
normally, bad writing like this would turn me right off, but somehow, it really works for this story. well done. don't write again. please.
Not bad. I think it feels sort of lazy in the jokes that it makes, but the absurdity at least partly makes up for it. I'm gonna give this a like, but not a fave.
Might as well shut down the site while we can. We've hit peak quality right here.
Alt title: My Riddled Pony: Friendship Is Bullets
This is some of your finest work. :D
Man, that's a lot of plot holes.
I thought this was going to be about Princess Celestia prepping for her guest spot on Highlander,
So who else was expecting Flowey?
Two hundred and eighty-seven friendliness pellets.
This... this um...
Well, congratulations, best laugh I've had in quite some time!
I'm . . . not sure what to make of this. It's not really something I'd upvote, but it's too well written to get a downvote either, and it's not something I'd fave either. So, have an imaginary pat on the back, I guess?
Awesome and hillarious. Please do more absurd sillyness like this.
The perfect amount of insanity, nonsense and technicolour ponies killing humans in the name of friendship. I'd tip my hat to you if I owned one.
How can any one not like this what ever this was. Loved it.
Secret to Franny is the father of the child is a pony.
Waaaaaaat
Well, that was pointless. I want those five minutes back.
7229937
Didn't you read the sign?
orig02.deviantart.net/246a/f/2016/140/e/e/untitled_by_proto_pony-da35zz2.png
7229947
Your tags promised comedy. You can not claim no refunds on what you failed to deliver in first place.
Silly, funny and random :) liked it.
Celestia is a product of an earlier era. She should ask Rainbow Dash, who initially wanted a pet who was "fast like a bullet".
Alondro walks up and shoots her in the face. "I am," he says with the most evil grin possible. It's the sort of grin the Joker made while sodomizing yo' mamma!
Foolish humans. Had they watched "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", they'd have known that bullets were useless against Toons. Unless they're cartoon bullets. But those never hit anything and are usually drunk.
THIS.
I LOST IT AT THIS.
Oh ok.
...
Tis a glorious story! Have a green thumb and a place on the gold star bookshelf!
"Oh darn," the dead humans said. "I wish that more than one human had been pregnant, and then our race might have survived."
Metaphorically, anyway, because dead people can't talk.
Then they all went off into the afterlife for some Sweet Sweet Honey Bee Honey.
THe fact that the author is not Bendy riddles me.
I'm just gonna leave this revolver here. It only has one bullet, but that should be all you need. I expect you know what to do with it, Protopony350.
It's the only way to repent for this atrocity.
7233649
Thanks, I'm sure Celestia would appreciate a new fashion hole.
Having now read this story three times ("Why!?" asks my poor brain...), I just...I don't...I can't even. I have lost the ability.
Be proud, Protopony, for in making this atrocity, you have robbed me of my ability to even.
everyone knows you have to use cake and books to kill ponies.
7232970
I said you can't kill a pregnant WOMAN. All the other pregnant people were men.
7229104
Ha, that was probably my favorite line.
7228898
I can make no promises.
Moral: don't fuck with ponies I guess?
You've been missed.
what
This is what Celestia would act like in the show if M.A Larson hadn't intervened. Pure perfection.