In the wake of another hedonistic sleepover, the Cutie Mark Crusaders wile away the last of their weekend lounging about the clubhouse, reading comics, listening to music and stuffing their faces with junk food. However, their after party revelries come to a screeching halt when an unscheduled rainstorm rolls into Ponyville that turns creatures into twisted nightmares. There is much they don't know about the situation but one thing is clear: never touch the rain. Now stranded without adults by a storm seemingly without end, the three must try to survive in a leaky shelter on nothing but the leftovers of their sleepover aftermath. As the waters continue to rise, the status of Ponyville or even the Apple family, just yards away, remains unknown.
A comfy horror story based on childhood memories of rain, floods, parties and classic kids' games spawned from overactive imaginations.
This was a really good and effective horror story, I'm kinda regretting reading it in the midst of a early summer storm
Good story
Penis
It's a really good premise, it's simple but it has so many nasty implications. I didn't like the twist at first but it reminded me of fantasies i used to have like
"what if the world started falling out from under my feet and i couldn't stay in one spot, i guess i would have to rush to the kitchen and take as much food as i could with me," that sort of thing
I feel like it makes sense in retrospect that it was made up because the consequences for touching rain are so over the top. I can imagine them just brainstorming each bit of body horror together like "oh oh and then her eyes pop out hahaha, no but what if she starts growing limbs" etc. That part I feel like could have been done more subtly (but I have no suggestions).
Also i wish there was more dialogue, it would have been cool if they kept bringing up old memories with scootaloo in an attempt to keep her sane but her responses get more and more delusional
and here is what I was going to comment before the twist: "with their luck, twilight spike and starlight were for sure outside when it started raining"
11608325
The outlandishness of the premise is better explained as a game made up by kids than it would be trying to make it real. Not only that but the wild ramifications and loose ends and lasting impact are also just impossible to fully address. Feels like I either needed to do it this way or have an abrupt ending which many wouldn't like because of all the questions it leaves unanswered.
My ideas for a no survivors ending were Apple Bloom goes into her house and finds crazy writing on the walls and then just finds Big Mac standing unresponsive in the corner (very Blair Witch Project.) Turn around jump scare. The end. The other was just a water drop falls on Apple Bloom, the end.
I had some ideas for real afterwards explanations like direct sunlight kills the creatures and sterilizes the water which is why it would be safe to walk outside at the end. I just feel like it would have ended up being a big back loaded exposition dump and a drag after a story where the mystique was the simplicity and the fact that they in large didn't know what was going on.
An enjoyable read. Your thorough descriptions at the beginning served to highlight the shift towards the dismal atmosphere.
Now I'm left wondering if, in the scenario where the threat is real, would exposure to the ambient humidity be enough to act as catalyst for the transformation?
More importantly though, remember to look into the clouds.
Super spooky, and I'm very glad you didn't cop out the ending.
Here's a review.
11609071
Yay!
11608827
I thought about that too. See? Another potential plot hole I didn't have to address.
interesting twist and story.
For me, it was a very good story up until the end. I still give it an 8/10 because of how well the sense of hopelessness was portrayed. You also did well with the character interaction between the CMC and their reactions to the situation were realistic, making for a very immersive story.
My issue with the twist ending was that there is basically no evidence that suggests that the events that took place were all in Apple Bloom's head. It really sort of came out of nowhere and didn't seem to make much sense in the context of the story. I'm not saying that the idea behind the twist is bad, I just think that if there was more time spent developing this 'disturbed' side of the CMC (small hints here and there would have been sufficient), it would have been a lot more impactful, and hit with the strength that you intended. But I think that the way it was executed here sacrificed a really good concept for something that, ultimately, just left me feeling a bit confused.
Correct me if I'm wrong at any point and I'll retract my criticism, these are just my feelings on it. Overall I thought this was a great attempt at a horror story and it's earned a like from me.
I can’t even begin to explain how much I enjoyed this story. The cover art hooked me, I will admit. Main reason I decided to give this one a go. Glad I put aside my hesitance to read a horror story when I saw this featured, because I ended up very much enjoying it! On my reread rn, and I know for a fact, I’m gonna reread it a lot more times! There’s just something so delightfully splendid about how it grows, and the ending threw me off lol. It was a bit jarring, but I like it. I was very surprised by multiple things in this. I am literally in LOVE with the way you wrote it. The descriptions feel perfectly balanced, not too long or rambling or unnecessary to the plot. They create a sense of flow, moving the story along. Read your other recommended story as well, loved that one too!
11609391
Yeah I'd say you're on track for the most part. There are very few clues and none that will outright give it away. There's the title 'Rain Party,' party implying something fun and voluntary. There's the Applejack tag which says nothing except 'wait for something at the end.'
I think what's interesting though is that it makes you think back and look at everything in the context of playing pretend and you look for instances where reality and fantasy might have intersected before the reveal. Apple Bloom's friends had to go home. Scootaloo was the first to raise the issue so she got infected and exited the game first. Then Sweetie Belle had to leave. Then there was just Apple Bloom and there's this proxy sadness that you get when everyone leaves the party that dramatically translates so well to 'Oh God, they're all gone! It's just me!"
You imagine things like the CMCs cowering in pretend fear at the sound of Big Mac tromping around, raking leaves under the clubhouse, Apple Bloom screaming at a cute squirrel eating on the deck, someone doing the emergency broadcast voice for the radio while the other two look shocked. Did Apple Bloom really drink the dog water? Is she that hardcore? I don't think so. I think she went through the motions and set it back down. Stuff like that.
11610130
That's fair. I think if your intent was to have readers look at the events of the story as a whole in a different light, then you've achieved some success there. However, I believe the way it was done risks some people being disappointed. For me personally, it doesn't take much away from the story since it's something so small, but I think for your future works, it's something to be careful of.
I'll be honest when I say I loved this story I mean I absolutely LOVED IT! The writing was beautiful, the way Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle was portrayed was even better! I had a feeling she was gonna be the last surviour (Not tryna spoil it hehe) and I was correct, not to mention the moment between Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom nearly had me crying! I love this so much I need someone to make an audio thingy on this its so good AHHH THIS IS MY NEW FAVOURITE CMC HORROR STORY NOW
11609898
Good to hear. I like catching fringe readers. And I like when people notice my covers. I don't put a lot of time into them but I do put a lot of thought.
11610606
You’re welcome! I was pleasantly surprised by this story, and I look forward to more stories from you, dear author. I haven’t found something this unique that’s piqued my interest this fast, and part of a genre I don’t usually read or watch. I want so much more stuff like this, so if anyone has recommendations, I’d love any more stories you guys enjoy that are similar! Until then, I’m going to reread this story, I just can’t get enough of it!
11610177
Thanks! I find the CMCs kind of have interchangeable personalities in the show so I just kind of... assigned them new ones and I've carried them over through every story I write. It's become head cannon for me.
That was a chillingly good ride.
Everything, from the initial set-up to the dwindling group to the increasing hopelessness to the twist, was well put together. Iʼm not usually one for horrors, but this one was worth it.
Awesome work. Have an upvote and welcome to my bookshelf!
11611886
Thanks for giving it a try.
Personally, I hated the ending. The story had me totally passionate and in the idea that everything had happened. you had too much material to give sequels, to tell how it was with Fluttershy, for example. I totally respect your decisions as a writer, but I hated this ending. 7/10
Editing: This won't make me away from your writing (it's literally the first story I've read done by you, lol) but I think you have a beautiful way of doing your things.
11621780
For probably about a quarter of my stories, I have to have a fight with intrusive thoughts trying to convince me to do something completely weird at the end.
Jesus dude, i was expecting this story all the way back when you posted your current and future projects, but this blew my expectations out of the water (get it?). Haven't had the time to read it until now but it was itching at me for weeks.
I originally wasn't sure how i felt about the ending, but after reading your replies to some of these comments i can see how it makes sense. I get why some people might be disappointed with how comparatively mild it is from a 'horrifying' standpoint, but when the reader takes a moment to think about it from a 'story' standpoint, its much better this way.
11625883
Yeah, that's a good way to describe it. It's kind of like watching the episode '28 Pranks Later' though within the guardrails of the show, you always know that somehow everything will be fine at the end and in a Y-7 world nothing truly horrific will happen.
Christ, this read like 80s Stephen King.
Outstanding work.
11632000
Thanks. I always thought my horror style felt like Stephen King but wasn't sure if I was just delusional.
This story reminds me of SCP-001 when day breaks. Overall amazing concept and exectution.
11657007
I'm not well versed on the SCPs but I was definitely thinking while writing that this is either an SCP or something from a Junji Ito story.
I was kinda hoping before I even started reading the story just by reading the description that it would turn out to be a messed up game of make believe that the CMC were playing and everything would be fine. Terrifying though.
11668667
This story is special because it's like the only one where everything gets really bad but hope isn't dashed at the end.
You can has review!
11608772
You don't have to explain it; Applebloom would simply discover that the mud doesn't turn her but fail to understand why. "Ah guess it's literally the rain that's harmful."
For me the twist ending was confusing. Is she having another hallucination? Why isn't corrupted Applejack assaulting her during her psychotic break? Why is she talking so normally? Is... is this real? There's no reason to think it's real... but that's the way it ends.
I did wonder how you were going to end it. It's a third person perspective so it probably wasn't going to end in a *wall of crazy, and nor was it likely to follow an undead Apple meandering around town. Maybe the ending note would simply be Applebloom staring up at the clouds, or maybe the story abruptly cuts off, or maybe they all turn and the narrator dryly describes the weather for a few weeks. Or, or, maybe the rain finally stops and a Cloudsdale weather team picks her up. I doubted it, though. This didn't feel like the sort of fic to explain itself, not even to show the aftermath.
*Speaking of wall of crazy, I did think it was really weird that a disease would induce incomprehensible math. I suppose that makes sense if it's just three fillies making stuff up... But I can't agree with the choice of "plothole" (insofar as it is one) if it's intentional—purposefully putting holes in your story to line up with the bad writing of fillies is still bad writing. That said, I would also like to say that I did in fact really enjoy your writing! This was just a weird quirk I decided to ignore because it aesthetically clashed with the apparent nature of the plague.
11610130
I had wondered about both of those! The title and the tag. "Well obviously Applejack shows up but will she be a savior or a reaper?" The answer is, "She ends the story." Thanks, Applejack.
Which is a curious way to frame it, now that I think about it. Applejack wasn't in the story. She wasn't part of their game. That's an important facet of stories within stories and likely why I didn't enjoy the ending, because there was nothing in the metastory to engage me. "But, but, Applebloom! How does it end?" And Applebloom just shrugs and goes inside to eat dinner.
PS. The real finale is the CMC getting together in a few days to share how Sweetie Belle and Applebloom died.
11725684
Well the end could be a hallucination. Her hallucinations in the story are presented as real so the story has an unreliable narrator. But I think that's a difficult argument to make because of Apple Bloom saying she was playing and telling AJ her friends went home. Hard to explain that.
Concerning the virus/toxin, I was thinking about Dead Space. (Or specifically the visual of a person banging their head on a wall of indecipherable scribbles.) The transformation here affords the afflicted a mind opening ascension as they are plugged into some kind of hivemind.
Back in early development I knew how it would end cinematically in a no survivors scenario. (Camera fixes on the windchime as it jingles softly against a backdrop of rain and wind. Hold for a while and cut to black.)
It's interesting how this is the most divisive ending I've written. It seems to be jarringly mismatched to the tone of the rest of the story which is what I think upsets people but then the journey getting there is still enough to carry it, resulting in (probably) many grudging upvotes.
I could suppose that the ending was a hallucination but I assumed so the first time around and couldn't run with it, so that isn't going to work.
I haven't played Dead Space but I don't actually mean to say that the scribbles are a bad element, I was really just using it as a springboard to discuss potential issues with stories within stories since, canonically at least, the reason the scribbles are math is clearly because the children feel math is incomprehensible and that advanced math with curves and sigmas are downright eldritch.
I still don't think it thematically fits but it's not that it can't; it's more that the implications are beyond the scope of the story. One could broaden the scope, of course, but that would overcomplicate your perfectly good short story.*
That sounds nice! And rather suspicious since the absence of wind was noted previously and the windchime only made an appearance when the storm rolled in and during a hallucination. It's as though the rain is specifically waiting on these three to give out before allowing the wind to pick up and carry the storm onward. Is that the intent?
Ah yes that too. I wonder how the twist would feel if, instead, Applebloom's play was interrupted by Applejack bringing her to dinner but warning her that it'll be rations again on account of the flood, that already happened, killing most of their crops. Then the dark story could be said to be Appleblooms way of processing their real-world crisis.
*PS. It occurs to me that the events of this story are strangely similar to those of And Hell Followed, minus rain. (Very minus rain.) That one opted for a longform adventure and greatly broadened its scope accordingly.
11726747
...Added to my TBR list.
Welp, coming from a quick re-read of coin op girl to this i got to feel the real meaning of whiplash
Honestly i'm gonna convince myself that ending was real cuz on one hand i don't think a death illusion or The Rain would bother with that "they dead- i mean, they home", it would probably be a "all is well now, you can relax and prance in the elysium fields forever.
On the other hand, this sounds a bit like "when day breaks" and we know SCP's of this magnitude usually don't have happy endings
Huh, when rain breaks is an awesome name now that i think about it
Anyway that was awesome and well written, i felt my eyes try to overflow a few times with the sheer fuckin hopelesness of the whole thing
What else what else what else... Ah, sweetie belle was the MVP, crazy bloom was hilarious in a depressing and dark sorta way
11727179
Had to look up 'When Day Breaks' 'cuz I'm only surface level deep in SCP. Surely there must also be some sort of angry storm cloud catalogued too.
Really enjoyed this story. I don't know why but "stay inside cause its not safe outside, keep the radio going" type stories really intrigue me. Not sure how I personally feel about the ending but I appreciate what you were aiming for. I'm actually a fan of how many questions are left unanswered in the story. Got me thinking about all the potential ramifications for what the rain means in the greater picture.
You're descriptions for the transformations were great by the way. The description of Sweetie Belle's horn growing out in a corkscrew shape really stood out. Reminds me of how fingernails tend to spiral and wind in various directions as they get super long
I gotta say, this was a very well-written story. The characterization, the imagery, the descriptions; it's all very well-done and creates a chilling atmosphere.
As for the ending: At first, I wasn't sure how to feel. I mean, 'it was all pretend' is usually a very cheap copout, in the same vein as 'it was all a dream'. But after readying the author's note and really thinking about the story with the reveal in mind, I like it. The description already hints to it being a game and when you look back at the story in that context, everything makes a lot more sense. I can definitely see myself as a kid, make believing this kind of scenario for fun. Definitely isn't gonna be everyone's cup off tea, but I think it works well enough.
11811291
Glad you liked it. For some people I hope this story unlocks a very surreal core memory.
I liked this story a lot. The ending reminds me of the ending of Thriller, the terror reaching in to grab and then suddenly everything is normal and someone is just like “what’s the problem?” And then the “it was all just a fantasy… Or Was It?”
11819393
*Vincent Price laugh*
Nice! Really amazing imagery and suspense built up. Super believable characterization too. I was on the edge of my seat the whole ride.
I wanted to say about the ending that my first impression was that perhaps this was just another delirious hallucination of Apple Bloom's designed to bring her out into the rain-- but it's interpretable. So you can chose to believe that it was all pretend or you can chose to believe that this is her glim fate. I personally think it would have been cool to read a purposeful lean into that vagueness, but then again I respect your decision to make a definitive ending with your preference.
Awesome read. It manages to give me cozy nostalgic vibes for childhood sleep overs I've never even had. :)
11830373
Thanks. Usually I like leaving stories like these with kind of vague endings but that upsets a lot of people so I ultimately end up giving a decisive explanation anyway.