Twilight awakens in darkness.
Written for the second Thousand Word Contest, under the Horror Category!
Thanks to ScarredVirtue for pre-reading!
Now with an audio-reading by Mystery Pony Fiction!
Chapters (1)
6-D Pegasus
Joined 19th Feb, 2017 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- 6-D Pegasus · 1000 words · 81 3 · 1.1k views
- 6-D Pegasus · 1000 words · 92 3 · 1.2k views
- 6-D Pegasus · 1.4k words · 104 5 · 1.3k views
- Kodeake · 1000 words · 87 2 · 1.5k views
- danatron1 · 1000 words · 193 3 · 2.2k views
- ScarredVirtue · 1000 words · 26 1 · 288 views
- GroaningGreyAgony · 1k words · 61 1 · 961 views
- Silk Rose · 1000 words · 65 5 · 846 views
Featured In1
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.108 seconds
Total duration
1,013 users online
297,918 hits today, 2,205,040 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Oof... That hurt. Good job!
I'd like to think she's eventually found a way out of her situation. That's a fate that would leave the entire cast blaming themselves for what happened.
Chilling. Absolutely chilling!
Oh my god, that is frightening! If they can't fix Twilight's state that looks to be a version of Total/Completely Locked-in Syndrome...poor poor Twilight.
I remember reading some other stories that used concepts like this where a character was in some form of CLIS or in a state that was like CLIS is how they couldn't move or talk, but I'm not sure of any stories that was always from the other characters point of view and agonizing over what to do if what might the fully paralyzed but conscious character in CLIS or something just like it is thinking, and if they were crying out for help and to be heard but couldn't move at all or speak.
I wonder... If she can't feel, can she even see her hooves in front of her?
Very good job with the horror here; I wouldn't be surprised if this wins. But good luck anyways!
Moral of the story is to not mess around with untested unfinished spells
Nice. Not for Twilight of course, but the fic.
Very well written and executed, love the development from first only Twilight's thoughts to seeing what is going around to being back to the first state. At least there seems to be hope for Twilight that she could get fixed
It’s very well written and executed, but I found it kind of uninteresting conceptually. It’s a premise that’s been done before, and there’s not enough new here to make this story stand out against the other times I’ve seen it. I don’t want to be mean, though; you did a good job! Best of luck in the contest, fellow competitor.
Ah yes, locked-in syndrom, one of my irrational fears wonderfully rendered to life so that it may haunt my nightmares. Loved the panic at the end, and the introduction was nicely paced given the word limits.
But if I may offer some (hopefully) constructive criticism, I think the dilogue is kind of meh.
I love that its fragmented at first, but you spend a lot of your word count trying to explain what happened and that there's no hope for recovery. Especially whatever Celestia did and her conclusion feels very forced. I think the words used expositing the situation would have served better focus in on Twilight's struggle to make her presence known and the terror of not being able to.
I'd almost like to see this done as almost a series of snapshots - a few hundred words at a time. Her "waking up". And a time skip to the first time her eyes are opened after being in the dark for what would feel like forever. And the subsequent closing of her eyes. Jump forward to a conversation about her lack of recovery. Use the words spent on exposition to instead show Twilight slowly giving up hope as time passes. Let the mystery of how she wound up here linger and instead focus on the situation itself.
Although I do really like the absolute gut punch that is her not being able to see her friends. That part gets an A+
Anyway, this was wonderfully chilling as it was. Good luck in the contest!
This is a great Creepy Pasta.
A splendid example of some real world horror. Having gone blind close to a year ago also makes this hit rather different. Fantastic job.
Well done,a story worth a little praise from me.
The dialogue was kind of off and stilted, but the message was clear and the plot was fine.
Nice work from a nice pony.
AI Review: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/217075/ai-reviews/thread/520742/locked-in
ooh what happened right after Twilight had, to any outside observer, simply exploded…
oh that is not a good neurological sign
aww love nerd horse
oof…
augh, what a horrifying vision of what could have been. poor Twilight! i am very glad things did not turn out for her this way in the canon
thank you for writing!
Oh, heartbreaking. The funny thing, for a given value of “funny,” is that this isn’t the first “conscious coma victim” story I’ve read in the contest. The line between drama and horror is what happens at the end. (There is the question of whether Luna could detect Twilight’s disconnected consciousness, but that leads to the question of whether Twilight can dream in her current state, or if she’s locked in constant waking helplessness.)
This is the kind of horror story that will stick with me and may well influence my dreams tonight. Well done.
Oh...
This is extremely depressing and scary.
Well done.
apology video right now this is sad omg
11885661
:'c
I have many other sad fics if you'd like to check them out though!^^
Ooof this was a rough one.
11885665
definitely be checking them out soon!! love ur fics