Locked In

by 6-D Pegasus

Hello...?

Ugh... my head... wha- what happened...

Huh? What the- Where am I?

Where's the ground? I can't feel anything under my hooves.

And why is it so dark? I can't see a thing in here. Am I floating around in some sort of void? I need some light. Let me just...

No... no, no, nonononono this can't be. Where's my magic?! There's nothing there where it should be! I- I can't feel it anywhere. Is... is my horn...

Wait... this can't be right, no. Where's my horn? Wha-

...

Where's my HEAD?! I can't fee-... I can't feel my hooves! Or my body for that matter... Why can't I feel anything?! What's going on?! Please!! Is anypony out there?! Can anypony hear me? Hello? I- I don't know where I am! Something's very wrong with me...

Please...

O- okay... Okay. Think, Twilight, think! Just calm down and focus. Panicking won't help anypony in an emergency.

Let's just... retrace our steps. Yes, that's it! Maybe I can figure out how I got here.

I... messed up a spell. A really important spell. Celestia sent me an old spellbook containing an unfinished spell of Starswirl's, supposed to be some secret masterpiece. And I cast it on accident. My friends' cutie marks, destinies, and memories got all switched around, sending the town into chaos, and... and...

And... I fixed it. I used a memory spell on each of my friends, the same one I used to fix their corruption when Discord came back. Together, we put everything back to how it should be and then...

And then I solved it! I realized that friendship was the key that Starswirl was missing from his spell! Together with my friends, I added the final piece to the spell and cast it properly while we all wielded the Elements of Harmony. Then everything turned white and... and...

And now I'm... here. Wherever here is.

Am... am I dead?? B- but I can still hear myself. Or, my thoughts at least. Maybe I'm asleep? If so, this is one stupid dream. Princess Luna, can you hear me?

Maybe she's tied up at the moment? I- wait, I hear something! A... beeping noise? Sounds close by. Ugh, I don't understand, why am I-

"... is how we- ...like this- ..."

Huh? Wait, who's there? H- hello?

"Your highness, we've- ...nothing seems- ..."

I- I can hear you! Hey! Where am I?!

"...I understand, but- ...me see her- ..."

Pri- Princess Celestia?! Oh my gosh, I'm so glad to hear your voice. I don't understand what's going on, can you-

"I'm so sorry, your- ...did everything we could- ...fixed pupils-..."

Nurse Redheart? Why would she be here? And what does she mean by fixed pu- AH! So bright, so bright, so- oh, I can see now! I'm... in Ponyville General Hospital? And why can't I move my head? I'd like to look at something other than the ceiling. Wait, I... I can't move my eyes either! What is- oh! There you are, Nurse Redheart. And Princess Celestia. And... Spike? Why do you all look so sa- HEY! Get that light out of my eyes!

"We don't know the full severity yet, Princess, but none of our treatments have been able to rouse her from her current conscious state."

My conscious state? Wha- that can't be right, I'm right here, I can hear you! I can see you!

"Twilight... I'm so sorry..."

Spike? What are you talking about, I'm- you're-... you're... you're hugging me? But I can't feel it... Wh- why can't I feel it?!

"Our scans show some amount of brain damage, but we have been unable to pinpoint the damaged regions in order to determine a proper cure."

Brain... damage? But I'm right here. I remember everything fine. I can... six point four eigh- yeah, I can still calculate my square roots.

"I understand, Nurse. If I may, I wish to briefly check for something."

"Of course, Princess."

Check for wha- ohhhhh Celestia that feels weird, why are you- wait, it's starting to hurt, what are- aagh! Stop it! It's hurting everywhere, please! I can't-

"It's much worse than I thought."

Wha-... what was that... I've never...hurt so much before...

"The damage to her is magical in nature. I believe there is a local zebra shaman living in the forest near here who may know a concoction that can heal her body. Her brain however... the brain is a highly complex and extremely delicate organ. I cannot repair the damage within without severely hurting her, or worse. I... don't believe there is anything more we can do at this moment except hope that she wakes up. Thank you, Nurse Redheart, you may go for now."

Wake up? Celestia, wha- what do you mean, I'm awake! I'm right here, I can see you! I- ugh, why can't I move?!

"I understand, Princess. Come on, Spike, your friends have been wanting to see you."

The girls? Where are they?! Let me- wait, Spike come back, please don't go!

"I'm sorry, Twilight Sparkle."

Nonononono this... this can't be happening!

"I... I really believed after so, so many years, that you'd be the one."

Celestia, what are you talking about?! Come on, you can fix this, right? You-... you... are you crying?

"And you were, you did it, you solved the spell, you were so close, and then... and then you weren't."

Nononono don't say that. There's gotta be something, anything!

"I must repair the damage to the Element of Magic, and I will continue to look into a cure for you. Just... sleep well, Twilight Sparkle. I love you."

Celestia, I'm not asleep! I can hear you! Please, I- what are you doing, why are you reaching for my... no. Nonono please, I'm begging you don't close my eyes again, I don't want to go back to the dark, please nononoNONONOO... no...

Celestia... don't leave me...

Spike...?

Girls...?

...

Shining...?

...

Mom...? Dad...? Anyone?

...

Is anypony there?

Please... don't leave me here...

Hello...?

Author's Note:

I actually finished something? o.o

Comments

[tailsopony]

Oof... That hurt. Good job!

[ScarredVirtue]

I'd like to think she's eventually found a way out of her situation. That's a fate that would leave the entire cast blaming themselves for what happened.

[Wolfram-And-Hart]

Chilling. Absolutely chilling!

[ThePinkedWonder]

Oh my god, that is frightening! If they can't fix Twilight's state that looks to be a version of Total/Completely Locked-in Syndrome...poor poor Twilight.

I remember reading some other stories that used concepts like this where a character was in some form of CLIS or in a state that was like CLIS is how they couldn't move or talk, but I'm not sure of any stories that was always from the other characters point of view and agonizing over what to do if what might the fully paralyzed but conscious character in CLIS or something just like it is thinking, and if they were crying out for help and to be heard but couldn't move at all or speak.

[starcoder]

Where's my HEAD?! I can't fee-... I can't feel my hooves! Or my body for that matter... Why can't I feel anything?!

I wonder... If she can't feel, can she even see her hooves in front of her?

Very good job with the horror here; I wouldn't be surprised if this wins. But good luck anyways!

[Forcalor]

Moral of the story is to not mess around with untested unfinished spells

[gapty]

Nice. Not for Twilight of course, but the fic.

Very well written and executed, love the development from first only Twilight's thoughts to seeing what is going around to being back to the first state. At least there seems to be hope for Twilight that she could get fixed

[RB_]

It’s very well written and executed, but I found it kind of uninteresting conceptually. It’s a premise that’s been done before, and there’s not enough new here to make this story stand out against the other times I’ve seen it. I don’t want to be mean, though; you did a good job! Best of luck in the contest, fellow competitor.

[Kodeake]

Ah yes, locked-in syndrom, one of my irrational fears wonderfully rendered to life so that it may haunt my nightmares. Loved the panic at the end, and the introduction was nicely paced given the word limits.

But if I may offer some (hopefully) constructive criticism, I think the dilogue is kind of meh.

I love that its fragmented at first, but you spend a lot of your word count trying to explain what happened and that there's no hope for recovery. Especially whatever Celestia did and her conclusion feels very forced. I think the words used expositing the situation would have served better focus in on Twilight's struggle to make her presence known and the terror of not being able to.

I'd almost like to see this done as almost a series of snapshots - a few hundred words at a time. Her "waking up". And a time skip to the first time her eyes are opened after being in the dark for what would feel like forever. And the subsequent closing of her eyes. Jump forward to a conversation about her lack of recovery. Use the words spent on exposition to instead show Twilight slowly giving up hope as time passes. Let the mystery of how she wound up here linger and instead focus on the situation itself.

Although I do really like the absolute gut punch that is her not being able to see her friends. That part gets an A+

Anyway, this was wonderfully chilling as it was. Good luck in the contest!

[SixLeggedHorseOfOdin]

This is a great Creepy Pasta.

[Incandesca]

A splendid example of some real world horror. Having gone blind close to a year ago also makes this hit rather different. Fantastic job.

[Mocha Star]

Well done,a story worth a little praise from me.
The dialogue was kind of off and stilted, but the message was clear and the plot was fine.

[SecondPrances]

Nice work from a nice pony.

[David Silver]

AI Review: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/217075/ai-reviews/thread/520742/locked-in

[The Mystery Fluttershy Fan]

[Bicyclette]

I... messed up a spell. A really important spell. Celestia sent me an old spellbook containing an unfinished spell of Starswirl's, supposed to be some secret masterpiece. And I cast it on accident. My friends' cutie marks, destinies, and memories got all switched around, sending the town into chaos, and... and...

ooh what happened right after Twilight had, to any outside observer, simply exploded…

"I'm so sorry, your- ...did everything we could- ...fixed pupils-..."

oh that is not a good neurological sign

Brain... damage? But I'm right here. I remember everything fine. I can... six point four eigh- yeah, I can still calculate my square roots.

aww love nerd horse

"And you were, you did it, you solved the spell, you were so close, and then... and then you weren't."

oof…

Hello...?

augh, what a horrifying vision of what could have been. poor Twilight! i am very glad things did not turn out for her this way in the canon 

thank you for writing!

[FanOfMostEverything]

Oh, heartbreaking. The funny thing, for a given value of “funny,” is that this isn’t the first “conscious coma victim” story I’ve read in the contest. The line between drama and horror is what happens at the end. (There is the question of whether Luna could detect Twilight’s disconnected consciousness, but that leads to the question of whether Twilight can dream in her current state, or if she’s locked in constant waking helplessness.)

This is the kind of horror story that will stick with me and may well influence my dreams tonight. Well done.

[darklight731]

Oh...

This is extremely depressing and scary.
Well done.

[glamorousmoons]

apology video right now this is sad omg

[6-D Pegasus]

11885661
:'c
I have many other sad fics if you'd like to check them out though!^^

[Jymbroni]

Ooof this was a rough one.

[glamorousmoons]

11885665
definitely be checking them out soon!! love ur fics