While trying to find a missing pony, Twilight finds herself chased by something in the forest.
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6-D Pegasus
Joined 19th Feb, 2017 ·
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I like it.
The story caught my attention from start to finish. Too bad its just a short.
11555941
I'm definitely planning on tackling some more horror premises soon, more thought out and longer ones! This one was a bit of a test for me in writing this sort of story.
Glad you liked it!
Some time Later... At a market stall somewhere..
"Ah I see you're interested in my novelty necklaces... Not your style? No problem.. I have new ones arriving all the time!"
Twilight seems to always be dragged into forests that want to kill her
Well, you asked about how to enhance the horror feeling, and while I am not an expert at it, I still tried it in a story and got a feedback regarding some mistakes/possible improvements that I noticed here too, so here they are:
Don't.
You have here the perfect opportunity to start with how the ponies are searching for Luna. Show the worry, show the search, have a sense of "normality" before you throw the reader into the forest action.
You could even add already here some foreshadowing of what is going on, regarding say the shadows etc
Slower pacing and build up.
An important factor in horror, at least in this kind of story.
Take this paragraph:
I would also consider this a "show and don't tell issue", but the point is the same: You summarise what could've been a creeping realisation.
For example, have Twilight walk around, searching where she is. Have her hear a sound. Let her dismiss it and continue further. Then hear a sound again. Twilight still dismisses it, but her steps become quicker (showing that despite not admitting it, she gets worried). Once the sounds became more, Twilight starts to realise what is wrong. This would show how Twilight started to get worried and it would slow down the pace, letting the reader get over time more and more worried for Twilight.
All in all, it was too quick and short, even what later on was going on, and could be slowed down.
Well, that is something I personally struggle myself a lot, but I think I can safely say that this is lacking. Well, you tell us how she feels till the middle, but otherwise, it's just what is happening to Twilight. Horror is about emotions, or at least this story is supposed to be how Twilight is scared. In the writing medium that plays a much bigger factor, where the author has to make sure it's there, while in say animation usually it's a combination of what we see and body language/voice acting.
I hope these suggestions will help you out in your future stories. Horror is I guess it's own kind of genre that works in specific ways, and it usually helps to be aware of these points that help to achieve what you wanted. At least this is what I think I noticed
11556143
Nobody fucking cares, retard 😡.
11556139
So much this.
11556250
Yoo they got erased. No "comment by this person deleted on [...]"
They are straight up gone
11556281
.
Oh, I know. But it was a spambott anyway, so literally nothing was lost.
11555944
Do it.
11556036
11556139
Thanks so much for the feedback! Yeah, I'd definitely say my pacing here was much more rushed than my other works. It was partly a challenge for me to write in a given time, but in hind sight I probably should've went back and fully fleshed out the events leading to after the search like you said.
Hoping my next horror captures your points better!
Lmao I saw the thumbnail and thought for a second this was going to be another Endingverse story because of the unspoaken rule that everyone has to use a dark forest as the picture. Regardless, great job on your story!
Ohh, this was spooky.
I agree with everything Gapty said 11556139 but I also wanted to add something: I don’t think your premise is interesting enough to get me invested enough into the story to make me feel scared. It’s just a bite sized chase sequence, really, and the main mystery isn’t set up or really addressed much, so it’s hard for me to get into. Horror stories are stories too; they have to be engaging as narratives, and this, to me, wasn’t. The prose was nice, though. Keep at it.
Loved it.
I'm assuming this was your first attempt at horror or intense scenes, because Locked In delivered better on the fear aspect more. I see other people have already explained the issues with it, so I won't rehash it. However, this was still a valiant attempt and you definitely took the feedback to heart as your next story was more emotionally gripping.