One cold autumn night, Twilight Sparkle lets in a pale and weary traveler into her home. When she accidentally discovers his dark secret, she is assaulted by him, and is left to die... When she woke up, she finds that she has been turned into a Vampire, an ancient enemy of Equestria last seen during Nightmare Moon's Rebellion. She now walks the thin line between life and death, sustained only by the blood of others.
Her friends now race against time to find a cure for this ancient curse, and stop the Vampire who infected Twilight, before he can create a new army of Vampires to conquer Equestria. Otherwise, Twilight will join the forces of evil and darkness, as the Bride for the Lord of Vampires. They have to work quickly, as every day passes, Twilight's thirst for her friends' blood increases...
Hmmm..... sounds verrrrrry similar to Embarrassing the Darkness and yet different.... eh I'll give it a shot. Will review/ edit comment once read.
Edit: Not bad at all, maybe a tad rushed but just a tad. The only big complaint I have is Twilight seems far too calm to me, gotta remember this was the same mare who drove the town to chaos over a slightly late letter. I could however, see her being in shock thou and the crazy coming later.
Aside from that, it's a simple introduction. Just a taste without much insight were the plot will lead so really I can't say more here. I give it a claw up and a track and we'll see were this leads~
Overall not bad. There's a few oddly formatted sentences that are a bit awkward to read. That, and having the diary entry/flashback in regular text and the exposition in italics really confused me for a good 15 seconds. Still, good enough to come back for more later.
Pretty good start for a first story. Spelling/grammer pretty good. Like others have noted, it did feel kind of rushed, and Twilight seems way too calm.
Do you know how to do italics? Maybe that could help.
733714 Thanks, I'll try to get part two polished up. Though every time I look over it, I think, "There's no way ANYONE writes this long of a Diary."
733944 Sorry, I was trying to find a good way of transitioning between Third-person to the First-person segments of Twilight's Diary, and also make them distinct that people wouldn't get confused. It seems to have backfired.
734282 Well they're certainly distinct from each other, I'm just used to seeing flashbacks and such in italics. I was just expecting it to be the other way around.
Your title is the same as a song I'm learning.
733714 i haven't read this yet but on the note of twilight being calm in the show i noticed she keeps her cool over something like the possible end of the world and was the last of her friend to break at discord yet she broke down on a late letter so her level of uncalm and calm are as random as my levels of intellect (i can be Nicoli Tesla one day then uhh whats a good stupid person to use as a example )
I love it so far.I really do,PLEASE continue this.I've never really seen any other story involving Twilight as a vampire.Only at least...around 3 (One of them was more about Rarity though), so This one seems interesting.
Continue :3.
734421 This is true. She's her own worst enemy in the respect that she's the one who will garner the most panic out of herself (I really hope that makes as much sense typed as it did in my head
).
At the same time however she just woke up to find out she's become in her own words an ancient enemy of Equestria and pretty much a monster. I would think she'd have some sort of panic, maybe not town wide panic, but panic none the less.
But eh that's just me. I completely understand the bipolar intelligence thing
734893 Thank you.
Don't worry everyone, it won't take long for Twilight to start cracking like a priceless glass statue.
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Welcome :3.
And Oh ho ho,I am loving this already even more :D!Poor poor Twilight..soon you will be as worse as Nightmare Moon.
Why... that son of a... BLOOD SUCKER!
TWILIGHT WILL BE AVENGED!!
Sorry, couldn't resist the temptation... werewolf and all that. 
Any how, love that i finally found a vampire fic. Although my wolf side may hate it... LIKE AND TRACK! Oh and, other then the italic and reg. mix up, story's fine to me.
Now for Part 2! Now almost x3 times as long as Part 1!
Useless trivia time:
*That story image image right now is a combination of two images I made for this story. The first was simply a blood drop with Twilight's Cutie Mark in it. The other was "Blood Banks"'s cutie mark (AKA, a Black heart with a Drop of blood in the center.)
*The Title was originally going to be "Twilight Vampire" and that's what it's still called in the Google Docs. The reason why I choose "Bloody Tears" is because I listen to that song while writing the story. I really should play the Castlevania games...
*"Blood Banks" was originally called "Waldemar" but then one of my prereaders pointed out that it didn't sound like a pony name.
so far; this is really really good!
im not catching any major annoying grammatical errors nor any annoying sentences. that might just mean that they are either to few or to insignificant to bother me or that there are none; in either case, great! the flow of the story seems a bit off at times, nearly insignificant, but it's something to keep in mind at least. another thing that bothers me slightly is that you claim this is in diary form; one does not usually describe entire discussions among other things in diary form, not that i mind, i don't like diary form stories that much, it's okay in small sections; but annoying when used almost all the time.
747690 Yeah... I should probably break up the diary more. The length of this "single" entry is really ridiculous. Hopefully I'll be able to rectify this is in later chapters when it finally gets to Twilight's new daily life. So far my plan is to at least open up each chapter with a third-person segment relating to how everyone is reacting to Twilight's ongoing transformation, the hunt for a cure, or a skeleton from Luna's closet.
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but you're still going to have it in your "diary-form"? the reason im asking is if you're going to have any suspense filled scene (like a fight scene), then if you're writing a diary you would probably just go straight for the result and ignore way you got there (like describing the fight), which would be pretty boring, i don't see that right now in the way you're writing; which is why im confused if it's really directly from a diary or of you're simply going over what has happened from twilight's point of view.
748007 I plan on having any "action" scenes to be in the third-person. I'm also toying with the idea of trying to transition from Diary-heavy fic to a third-person fic, as Twilight descending more and more into the dark cravings, the diary entries become shorter and shorter until there's barely anything for her to write except "I will drain all the red from Pinkie Pie's face till she turns white!"
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i think third person would be best personally, but just to make sure we're not misunderstanding each other; you do still mean to include the thoughts of the character(s), right? (some ppl seems to believe that in third person you have to keep the characters thoughts out of it)
A few good laughs here (Then Princess Celestia fainted.) and some more continuations. What will happen next?
I approve of this story. Keep up the good work.
Twilight is best vampony.
This looks interesting. *Tracks*
damn, celsestia's gonna have a fit when she wakes up! Awsome story , totally tracked and faved.
I know that none of you don’t hold a grudge against me but... delete the bolded word
If her behavior worsens, make to it that she does not go outside at all. see
776682 Whoops! Thanks for catching that.
getting more interesting by the chapter
but I swear to Celestia, that I will end you if you ever try making pinkie speak like that again...
the joy of seeing a story you really really enjoy update
, and the despair of reaching the end of the latest chapter of said story
the text felt a lot more like a diary this time. i still think you should ditch the diary approach though, seeing things from twi's point of view is enough, you don't really need to do much other than taking out the "twilight's diary" thingie at the beginning of the diary part of the chapters and changing the wording slightly at a few places. still not much of an annoyance though, im just concerned that we will miss out on some of the more pacey events later on (think fights/duels/battles/chases or any intense moment really).
two things im confused about:
1. so twi just needs to drink somepony's blood to turn them into a vampire? how is she gonna get blood if she can't drink without turning ponies? or do they need to die as well before the vampirism sets in?
2. from what luna said: "Every single one of those vampires believed that they loved me"; does that mean that twilight will also "love" luna? that would seriously be hilarious, especially as luna is not as cold-hearted as NMM and would have problems dealing with a twilight fawning over her. i means, as she does owe twi a great deal of gratitude for helping her in the past; she would probably be pretty split up about the show of affection. that's just my take on things though, having read to much twiluna has left me pretty broken...
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She can however, receive blood donations without turning others, so she doesn't have to worry about turning anyone. Thank goodness for vaguely modern fantasy kitchen sink setting!
1. Not exactly...
Basically the Vampire disease acts like rabies; all what she has to do is simply get her spit into your blood to infect you. She doesn't even need to bite, she could probably do it by kissing you. Though considering that Twilight is technically dead, I think that would cross over to necrophilia.
2. Less in the romantic sense, think more of the respect that Twilight would give to Princess Celestia in the show. In addition, Twilight now has a natural compulsion to follow anything Luna commands her. If Luna were to say to her, "Recite the entirety of Pi." Twilight's reply would be "3.14159265358979..."
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1. aw, i had hoped for a few of those "alone and cornered" moments with twi and one of her friends. of course, something like that can still happen even if she doesn't bite anyone
2. i have feeling that she would still recite Pi if luna told her to even before the vampirism thingie, only with a few more questions; but i do get what you're saying
thanks for the answers!
Chapter 4: The part in which Twilight tastes blood... and likes it. Oooooooh dear.
I like. Also tracking! keep up the good work
awesome chapter! i absolutely love these twi vampony stories!
even though i still don't like some of the parts of your vampony design (they just don't seem very well equipped to prey upon pony-kind)
the images i had in my mind of the talks the six had were hilarious, mostly the part where i imagined twi stuffing a dirty (and bloody) rag over her mouth while still talking and trying to be taken seriously.
from that i also get another hilarious picture in my head: twilight continuously pointing out small wounds that the rest of the six get from their every day chores (with either a deadpanned, bemused or stressed out face), which are to small and to off placed to be noticed normally (a few examples: applejack getting a deep splinter, rarity pricking herself slightly with a needle, dash getting a scrape, pinkie getting a small cut or fluttershy getting a small wound from one of her animals natural outer defenses)
i am uncertain of what to think about those last two sentences you wrote, are they feeling "im mistrusting one of my friends"-ill or are they feeling "mysteriously"-ill?
A vampire pony story that seems to be updating regularly...preposterous. I'll be tracking this to see where it goes.
Hehe, poor Dash.
This is good, one of the better vampire Twilight stories I've read so far.
857059 Ya but being close to being lunch is where the line is probably drawn.
that's EXACTLY what i wanted!
im grinning like crazy over here!
im so looking forward to the next chapter!
) while celestia's on the brink of panicking while sweating profusely and smiling very nervously (with luna desperately trying not to laugh in the back
...for the record: that's what im doing just thinking about it
)
to bad about twilight's inability to be close to celestia btw (or even in direct line of sight), it would be hilarious/very-entertaining to see an oblivious twilight happily talking away with celestia (in pretty close proximity...a hug as well maybe
i have a few questions, if you're going to answer these in upcoming chapters or something, just say so:
or is the two weeks thing just in the beginning? (do they sleep for long periods or something perhaps)
(i can guess...)
so if the vampony simply drains their victim completely; do they not turn then (or was that just animals)? (more like: do they just die instead? cause if they always turn and a vampony needs to feed at least once every two weeks; then there would be over 26000 of them from just that one "Bleeding Heart" pony)
how do you even support a large population of vamponies?
does every vampony have as hard of time with keeping their sanity/calm/train-of-thoughts as twilight has? or does that lessen with time? i mean; from i what gather; she would like never be able to effectively blend in with society (considering that there seems to be quite a lot of vamponies doing just that)
last random misc question: what would happen to celestia if she was bit? and what would happen to the vampony that did the biting/drinking?
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the "im never EVER going back there" is probably temporary...RD has a tendency to exaggerate as we all know
That ending...so awesome
. Keep up the good work.
857939 Thank you!
1: You just summed up my own problems that I ran into when I wrote this chapter. Except you just posted a rather conservative number from my estimations. Basically, Bleeding Heart (and whatever vampire pony army he has with him) are living mostly off of animal blood since it would keep them alive while keeping their numbers to a reasonable state while they hide from Celestia.
2: As I mentioned before, drink animal blood. Luna only managed to successfully get the disease to work on bats, before deciding that her army was large enough to overthrow Celestia (spoiler alert: it wasn't.) So a vampire could live in a town and fit in with society by drinking lots of animal blood (they would just have to move a lot, otherwise ponies might realize that they're not aging...) Or they could, you know, just kill the pony outright, and then eat the body.
As a side note, sanity levels can vary from pony to pony. Twilight from this chapter is a really bad example because Rainbow Dash caught her at the worst possible time (around the time Twilight should be getting hungry) in the worst possible way (getting cuts all over her body from breaking Twilight's window, so she's bleeding all over the place.) If one of those elements wasn't in place, (for example it happened when Twilight isn't feeling hungry.) Twilight would have had a better chance at trying not to eat Rainbow Dash.
3: I'm... actually not completely sure if Princess Celestia can be converted to be perfectly honest with you. The most likely circumstance is that the vampire dies before they could turn Celly, and/or the disease burns up in her body. IF Princess Celestia were turn into a vampire, she would absolutely flip out and try to kill herself.
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1&2. thx for the answers, i didn't think about the animal blood thing actually.
3. yea, i guessed as much, would be kind of silly if the personification of their greatest weakness could be turned into one of them, kind of like trying to mix oil and water i guess; it's just not possible.
"IF Princess Celestia were turned into a vampire, she would absolutely flip out and try to kill herself."
i don't know why, but just imagining that image is killing me
From reading some of those speculations I now have the image of Celestia dressed as Integra from Hellsing. I have no idea why.
Yay, another vampire Twilight story and one that plays it up to more traditional depictions. I've been enjoying what I've been reading here. What with Twi's habit of flipping out normally and adding in starved vampire syndrome I think lots of amusing events are in the near future.
My opinion on Twilight Sparkle in this story: KILL IT. KILL IT WITH FIRE.
w00t insta fav but i was still hoping she'd turn one of her freinds into a vampire...preferably applejack.
857059 Yes, but she's also SANE!!!!!!!!!!
Why is Dash always the victim.
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:ohcelestiawhatamidoingat1:30am!?:
Because I wanted to see what would happen.
Unrelated, I finished a rough draft of Chapter 6. It might have a fight scene that might last, oh say ten seconds flat.
I might also run through the entire fic and fix up the format before I post the next chapter. This is mostly because I've started to notice how different my format is from the norm. Looks fine on GoogleDocs, not so much here for some explicable reason.
Seriously the opening to prototype
It's not bad, it's that I was just playing the game right before I read this
few things.
"He picked me up and carried me to the hospital."
...How? They cannot walk on two legs, did she ride on his back?
" Spike pulled out a letter from his pockets, and opened it."
Spike has pockets?!?!
And i like the fic. Also, who knew, apple season is in fact in Autumn.
Really good so far, though I feel the title and genres are misleading. I was laughing through this more than I was cringing at the grittiness or staring engrossed in the situation. Don't get me wrong it's still plenty dark and ripe with creativity. I simply feel it lacks the comedy stamp, especially since I think it's what you do best.
Poor Twilight, she can never catch a break, can she?
Oh yeah, and Luna too, getting pummeled like that.