• Member Since 13th Apr, 2019
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Marcellus Jones

Just a connoisseur of fiction. All shapes, all sizes.


Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle let curiosity get the best of them and they enter an abandoned house. What they discover is more than what they had bargained for.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 24 )

This is good so far. I'll be following.

Thanks, I'll try to keep it up.

I'm open to suggestions as well

Not bad. Much better than my first story. There's tiny things that could be fixed with sentence structure.

She forgot that she couldn't fly yet, she flapped her little wings helplessly, but they didn't break the fall at all.

Could also be written;
"She forgot that she couldn't fly yet, and so flapped her little wings helplessly, but they didn't break the fall at all."
Tiny little things like that, but honestly that's just the grammar nazi in me being nitpicky. You did say you wanted to know what we thought, and to be real.

In all honesty though, I like the premise, and everyone starts somewhere, plus you managed to capture the feel of the CMC's from the earlier seasons, and I especially like the fact that Apple Bloom has enough sense to not want to go near the obviously haunted house

Good job, and I'll be keeping an eye on you. :raritywink:

Thanks for the feedback! I'll fix that real quick. I love the profile picture as well. Scarface was a dope movie.

Thank you, but yours is better.

Oh, I appreciate that. Means a lot.

Not a problem my good sir.

Just about to release the second chapter. I'm proofreading it before I release it though.

Read it. Good stuff!

It has taken me half a year to comment and two months get this account working but Jesus you weren't kidding in the author's note...

Now looking at the list of "Can we rescue what's left of the CMC?"

- The only plausible rescue coming is if Rarity and Applejack alerted the mane 6 six that their sisters are missing and it's very late plus they are not being supervised by an adult could result in them searching for them. However if Scootaloo or another member of the CMC did not put ghost hunters in the list of crusading then the mane 6 will stand little chance of finding the CMC unless Discord uses his GPS tracking on Fluttershy spell but uses it for the CMC instead but if he's not there...then well their doomed.

-Maybe if Sweetie Belle or Applebloom faint and go unconscious then Princess Luna could pull a Rescue and save the day or join the trap...

-Maybe a relative of the ghost visited it's house at night and hears the screams and could stop the ghost.

-Maybe there's a conveniently nearby priest to save the day or night.

-Maybe an organisation called "Ghost Busters" has set up in ponyville.

-Maybe a cack team of armoured ponys crashes into the house with UH-60 Blackhawk Helicopters and M1A2 Abrams tanks.

-Maybe a Russian Carrier Strike force destroys the door without killing anypony using a Su-33.

-Maybe...okay I'll stop that's just my ideas of rescuing some truamtised fillys..

These ideas are brilliant. If I use any of them, I will definitely give you credit.

Well those are only the what if they are rescued ideas not the red liquid suspiciously flowing on the walls and floors ideas..

True. I don't think I'll have all 3 of them die. We'll see.

Well let there be hope for those poor soul's.

I think you'll like the ending.

"Well thanks for the the credit really appreci-" *Luna cuts me off*

Well the end results in this story is.

-The Ghost has passed on to hell not tartis- or whatever you call it.
-Scootaloo has either forgotten or is scared for life seeing her other half.
-The rest of the CMC have smelled and seen death but Luna is on hand to fix the PTSD.
-Luna had to use a forbidden spell to save this story from a becoming truly dark.
-No pony else seem to notice what happened that night.
-The CMC failed in getting a cutie mark :(

Final outcome Win/Win for everypony (according to Princess Luna)

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