• Member Since 9th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

little big pony


Remember kids, eat your veggies, go to school, and murder all your enemies.... I murder all my enemies....

E
Source

Twilight, seeing that her friend needed a little bit of companionship, decided to help him get a date.

But boy, did he aim a little too high for her taste.

Now, her and Spike need to help this putz of a human snatch a date from one of the most undateable beings on the planet, Princess Celestia.

Needless to say, they're doomed.



Cover art used with permission by Lydia-Rawr


Warning: Story will contain horrible romance clichés, cutsieness, and all around silliness.

You have been warned.

Chapters (25)
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Comments ( 1670 )

Ha, I like this idea, time to read!

Warning: Story will contain horrible romance cliché's, cutsieness, and all around silliness.

You have been warned.

I'm in! :pinkiehappy:

I'm looking forward to Twilight's mom.

“There’s no way that this can go wrong in any way!”

...Fuck yes, bring it on! :pinkiehappy:

Hmmm…12 tries, JE a part of me, want to believed Aang has his plan already and will just going to ask her out, to see if he can, while the other its imagine he don't want to date a pony yet and its only doing this with the intention of get Twilight out of his back, I can imagine how he will put Celestia on board

"Listen Celestia I don't really want to ask you out on a date?"
"You don't?"
"No, but Twilight its just out of control and I can't take it anymore, I need to find a way for her to just STOP trying me to convert me into her believes"
"Believes?"
"I keep telling her that I'm not ready to date but she don't listen!, please Celestia, please help me out"
"Oh Aang, I'm sorry Twilight can sometimes can get out of hand, of course I will help"
"Thanks Celestia I own you big time, as for the date I will pick you at 8?"
"8 it is"

then he walk away and toward were Twilight and Spike are
"And that its, how its done"
"She said yes?!"

He nods and Twilight get excited again

Hmmm…12 tries, JE a part of me, want to believed Aang has his plan already and will just going to ask her out, to see if he can, while the other its imagine he don't want to date a pony yet and its only doing this with the intention of get Twilight out of his back, I can imagine how he will put Celestia on board

"Listen Celestia I don't really want to ask you out on a date?"
"You don't?"
"No, but Twilight its just out of control and I can't take it anymore, I need to find a way for her to just STOP trying me to convert me into her believes"
"Believes?"
"I keep telling her that I'm not ready to date but she don't listen!, please Celestia, please help me out"
"Oh Aang, I'm sorry Twilight can sometimes can get out of hand, of course I will help"
"Thanks Celestia I own you big time, as for the date I will pick you at 8?"
"8 it is"

then he walk away and toward were Twilight and Spike are
"And that its, how its done"
"She said yes?!"

He nods and Twilight get excited again

Another good story man maybe this could help a guy like me with my shitty love life

Excellent... and once the cliches are in the open...! I got nothin'... what? I'm not paid to be funny.

You write some of the best irreverent HiE, LBP.

So thanks for that.

This looks like it will be quite enjoyable.

I eagerly await more installments!

Oh boy. Hold on tight everybody, it's gonna be a wild ride!

“There’s no way that this can go wrong in any way!”

"Sargent! Sargent! They've been said!!!"

"Dear Lord, quick prepare the troops!.."

dontdrinkbeer.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/there-be-a-shit-storm-a-brewin.jpg%3Fw%3D493

Whelp, I am gonna follow this here...

Someone get the "dis gunna be good" gif.

THEORY:
Twilight is stupid.
PROOF:
She jinxed it.
PHYSICAL PROOF (Ya knucklehead):

“There’s no way that this can go wrong in any way!”

I assume this is Twilight saying that. If it's not. Then my next guess is Anny, though I'd much rather it be Spike being stupid. Nonetheless, whoever said it is a moron.

I LOVE THIS STORY. IT'S WELL WRITEN AND EVERYTHING!

Jokes on them: Field Notes on Alicorn Reproductive Behavior

I really like the "guide." I can't wait for the rest! You won a thumbs up. :twilightsmile:

I don´t know why, but every time TS have a panic attack i always wanna try something like this to calm her:

I am intrigued good sir.

Please, do continue.

Being both a princess AND an alicorn, Celestia probably has dozens of potential suitors who'd want her attention. This guy will have some serious competition.

He was interrupted once again by Twilight, who wrapped a hind leg around his shoulder. “You can do this, Anny!” She said, her eyes filled with determination and her pussy filled with Anny's face!

:ajbemused::facehoof:

3874271 My sides just went to visit Luna's favourite Rock.

Misread the name of this fic: "How to colt alicorns". My brain, you sick! :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiesick:

This is going to be interesting. :pinkiehappy:

That was surprisingly good! Have a fave and like!

“There’s no way that this can go wrong in any way!”

ohboyherewego.jpg

I feel that as a human, Antaeus should call Twilight out on that last sentence.
Everyone knows not to say that.

You have my attention, i will keep an Eye on this fic.

“There’s no way that this can go wrong in any way!”

Famous last words.

“There’s no way that this can go wrong in any way!”

and they just doomed themselves.... you NEVER say that phrase, or any variation on that phrase. it's like ASKING the universe to back hand you in the FACE!
Otherwise, superb work my friend.

CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS STORY RIFFERS, YAY!
fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/290/d/7/cutie_mark_crusaders___little_angels_by_mysticalpha-d5h5aw7.jpg

Twilight sighed as she put her pointer down, a feeling of accomplishment welling up inside of her when she heard the only person that had sat down and listened to her powerpoint start to clap.

Apple Bloom: What's a person?
Sweetie Belle: What's a powerpoint?
Scootaloo: What's a clap?

While usually disappointed that her powerpoint listeners were so few in number that she could count them with a single hoof

(Apple Bloom tries to count on her hoof)

Apple Bloom: Let's see...one... (beat) ...that's as high as it goes...

While most ponies would hit the floor laughing at the mere thought of Twilight giving them relationship advice

Apple Bloom: But...Twilight always gives great advice! Except for the part about havin' to wait for mah Cutie Mark...
Scootaloo: She also doesn't have a special somepony.

a mare who’d blush every time a stallion looked at her

Apple Bloom: Now that's just plain crazy! Big Macintosh has looked at Twilight lotsa times, an' she ain't blushed not once!

but this certain friend wasn’t even a pony, so the would-be shipper could get away with it.

Scootaloo: Oh great, there's a boat in this story now?
Sweetie Belle: I have no idea what boats have to do with romance, but I just got a great idea for our next crusade! You know, if we don't get our Cutie Marks for this thing.

No, this creature that was sitting on her couch and eating her chips

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo: EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!

This mystery creature, nay this scientific oddity that pony-science had trouble understanding, was none other than Antaeus the human.

Scootaloo: Ugh, is this another one of those "brony" things that keep showing up all over Ponyville?

Though his name made him sound like a god among men, the young creature Anny

Apple Bloom: "ANNY"?!

(Scootaloo snickers, and Sweetie Belle giggles)

and he bought apples just like any citizen of Ponyville.

Apple Bloom: Ah wonder what KIND of apples he's buyin', if he's keen on eatin' Twilight's chips...

After a bit of explaining on the humans part, Twilight had found out that on the humans home planet, Earth, they were the only sapient life forms, so courting or loving anything other than a human was downright frowned upon.

Apple Bloom: Oh, so THAT'S why we don't invite Uncle Pig Poker to th' family reunions no more!

the queen of the bookworms

Sweetie Belle: So when did the bookworms make Twilight their queen? Last I heard, she tried to wipe them all out for eating most of the library!

So if he cared about a pony, or anything else for that matter, it didn’t matter what they looked like, so long as he loved them for what they were on the inside.

Sweetie Belle: Unless they're strangely obsessed with tubs of jelly.
Scootaloo: Or if they're Button Mash.
Sweetie Belle: HEY!

This was the epitome of all of her efforts though, one last powerpoint to finally get over his fears and learn to love the pony

Scootaloo: Ugh, that sounds like one of Rainbow Dash's lame clopping jokes.
Sweetie Belle: Did you just say something Rainbow Dash does is lame?
Scootaloo: I know, weird, but have you ever heard her clopping jokes?

everypony knew that babies came from the stork and she was sure that it was the same on the humans planet so she didn’t bother

Apple Bloom: Ah'm confused. What do storks have to do with a mare gettin' mounted when she's in heat an' havin' a foal?
Scootaloo: Grown-ups are weird.

The alicorn couldn’t stop a blush from appearing on her face as she beamed up at the human, stopping when she was the teasing smile on his face.

Apple Bloom: Huh? How could she BE the smile on his face?
Sweetie Belle: Well, it IS Twilight. She's had crazier magical accidents.

The alicorn raised an eyebrow. “Who’s the lucky mare?” After a little thought she added, “Or stallion,” she raised her hooves in defense when she saw Anny’s look. “Hey, I don’t know your sexual orientation.”

Scootaloo: What's "sexual orientation"?
Apple Bloom: Ah think it means which way his weiner's pointed.
Scootaloo: What is he, a compass?

“I’m going to try to ask Princess Celestia out!”

Sweetie Belle: He's dead.
Scootaloo: SO dead.
Apple Bloom: Eeyup.

Twilight ‘The Book-Hound’ Sparkle

Apple Bloom: Now Ah'm confused. Is she a worm or a hound?
Scootaloo: I'm pretty sure she's still a pony.
Sweetie Belle: Book-Hound? Is that anything like a Diamond Dog?

Twilight shook her head. “Anny, she’s had thousands of suitors, stallion and mare, and she hasn’t picked a single one!”

Sweetie Belle: She picked ALL of them!
Apple Bloom: Can you do that? Can you pick a thousand suitors?
Scootaloo: Sure, haven't you heard of harems?
Apple Bloom: What's Angel Bunny got to do with anything?

If she was being honest with herself, Antaeus was a strapping young man, in an exotic sort of way.

Sweetie Belle: Ugh, that sounds like something out of one of Rarity's trashy romance novels she doesn't want me reading.

Maybe he was a super stallion stud back in his world

Apple Bloom: AH CANNOT UNSEE THAT!!

I haven’t had a coltfriend since I was nine! And that was with one of my stuffed animals while I was make-believing!

Apple Bloom: ...
Sweetie Belle: ...
Scootaloo: ...
Apple Bloom: ...movin' right along...

Three heads are better than two after all.

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo: THAT'S WHAT WE KEEP TELLIN' EVERYPONY!

“Well, I think I’ll just ask Rarity, she’ll probably be able to give me some pointers.”

Sweetie Belle: Oh yeah, because Rarity's such a BIG success in the romance department. What with the one date she ever had being that jerky Bluebutt.

“If we can get the princess to fall in love with you, I might be finally be able to work up the courage to ask Time Turner out!”

Apple Bloom: Ain't he married t' Derpy?

He was interrupted once again by Twilight, who wrapped a hind leg around his shoulder.

Apple Bloom: ...
Sweetie Belle: ...
Scootaloo: ...
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo: WHAT?!
Scootaloo: What the hay?! Is she about to pee on him?!
Apple Bloom: Maybe he's thirsty after all them chips?
Sweetie Belle: APPLE BLOOM! You're gonna make me throw up here!

“Yeah! There’s a chance that Spike and I can help you get a date with one of the most undateable beings on the planet!”

Sweetie Belle: I...don't think Princess Celestia would appreciate being called "undateable".
Scootaloo: Yeah, that makes it sound like she's got diarrhea or something.
Sweetie Belle: Gonorrhea.
Scootaloo: What are you, a dictionary?

“Now, who do we know that’ll take a giant monkey-like being into their home on just our word?”

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo: FLUTTERSHY!
Apple Bloom: Only...she don't live in Canterlot...

Why am I drawn to stories like this? Have a damn fav and a friggin' like....I'll get you for this....:scootangel:

3875081 Oh, God, that's priceless!! :rainbowlaugh:

I applaud your sense of humor, sir! :pinkiecrazy:

3875081
Please keep doing this.

3875306 Any time a story gives me THIS much to work with? You betcha. :moustache:

3875321 ...riiiiiiight. You just go with your bad self then.

3875328
Quick question. Are you going to continue the alicorn for a day story?

3875342
YES!:rainbowkiss: I hope Pinkie is the next one to be a alicorn.

3875352 Err...you know Rainbow Dash is next, right? It said so in the story AND the author's notes... :derpyderp2:

(Also let's stop talking about my story in the comments thread for this other story. :twilightblush: )

This looks completely terrible. I am totally watching it.

He was interrupted once again by Twilight, who wrapped a hind leg around his shoulder.

Quite a contortionist, isn't she? :twilightsheepish:

HURRY HURRY HURRY!!! I NEED MOAR CHAPTERS! :pinkiegasp: MOOOOAAAAAAARRRR:pinkiegasp:MOOOOOAAAAAAARRR!!!!

Bloody hilariously brilliant, I'm excited to see where this goes.

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