How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide

by little big pony

Step Eight: Jealously is Your Best Friend Pt.1

There are many, many reasons as to why people will stop what they’re doing--important or otherwise-- to go somewhere and start running.

Some people will run for the benefits: losing weight, keeping in shape, etc… others will run to help clear their mind, take in the sights and sounds that being outside provides, or just to feel and savor that pleasant burning feeling that comes with running too long. All-in-all, these people are out there because they deem this exercise as “fun.”

Fleur, as she gasped for breath, trailing behind Anny and Celestia—Blueblood was “dead” back on the trail with a guard looking after him—couldn’t help but wonder how anypony could think that this was in any way fun, or that it could give you a good feeling, or why there just wasn’t some kind of small machine that could carry her around so she wouldn’t have to ever run again.

Just breathe, just breathe, she thought, trying to blow a bit of mane out of her eyes that was stuck to her face. Run, filly, run. There’s only a little longer to go and then you can go home and take a bubble bath.

She resisted the urge to close her eyes, gritting her teeth and ignoring the horrible burning sensation in all four of her legs. Juste un peu onger, Juste un peu onger !

Thankfully, mercifully, the princess—who was wearing a silly headband and ankle bracelets-- looked back at her. “Alright,” she said, slowing down. “That’s enough.”

Anny nodded, slowing down with the alicorn as Fleur resisted the urge to fall to the ground with a happy groan, panting like a racehorse as she tried to wiggle the pain away.

Why isn’t this getting easier?The supermodel thought to herself, weakly smiling at the two as they made their way toward her. I’ve been doing this for weeks!

That wasn’t the only thing that was wearing the mare down. Though she was trying her hardest—boy was she trying her hardest—Anny almost seemed to be stonewalling her, ignoring her advances and still trying to ask out Celestia.

While not worrying in at of itself, the Princess of the Sun looked like she was starting to wear down, if the way she was starting to look at him was any indication. While the two were getting closer and closer, with Anny spending a lot of his time in the princess’s room, Fleur was becoming more and more worried.

But a Prench mare does not balk in the face of certain defeat. No, she looks it in the eye, turns her head, and spits.

That mere thought brought a little life back into the tired unicorn, forcing her to straighten her mane as Anny grinned at her, the human wiping his face off with his shirt.

“Good job, Fleur, Celestia,” the man said with pride, looking down the trail. “We really went far today.”

He took his shirt off and offered it to the princess, who, with a roll of her eyes, took it. Cleaning the sweat off her face with a decently clean section of the shirt, she said, “Yes, Anny, she did do rather well.”

Fleur tried not to squee as Anny passed by her and mussed up her mane playfully, which, as everyone knows, was tier seven at its finest.

I’ll get you, mon prince; all you and I need to do is have a few hours to ourselves, she thought to herself evilly. All I need to do is get the princess out of the way…

For that bit of the plan to work though, she needed to see if Blueblood was alright.

When the three finally found him on the trail (or on the side of the trail to be more specific) still panting and covered in sweat and a guard standing by his side, Fleur couldn’t help but snort in amusement.

“There, there, your Highness, you’ll be alright… You baby.”

The guard looked up and bowed. “The prince was unable to make it any farther, my Princess.”

Celestia smiled at him before looking down at her nephew. “Blueblood, Honey, are you alright?”

The prince groaned, opening an eye to look at the group. “A-Aunty, is that you?”

“Yes, it’s me.”

He sighed. “Just leave me to die; I can’t go any longer.”

Anny bent down in front of the stallion. “Don’t worry, Blue, we’ll go get ice cream or something? How’s that sound?”

Blueblood looked up at him with a pouty face, Fleur and Celestia rolling their eyes at the display. “Anny… Carry me.”

“Get up,” Fleur said. “pour l'amour de Dieu de, you’re a prince, not a baby!”

She was ignored, Blueblood just wiggling all of his hooves in a childlike fashion, Anny chuckling before picking him up with a grunt and gripping him like a baby.

“He’s trying, Fleur,” he reasoned, patting the prince’ back. “I’ll put him down in a few minutes, then he can walk like everyone else.”

Celestia giggled, leading the group down the trail. “So, Antaeus, do you have any plans for today?”

Fleur frowned, staying quiet while she trailed behind the two and listening intently.

Anny shrugged. “I have to go shopping with Velvet, but other than that I really don—“

Sensing that now was the time to strike, Fleur said, “Anny, might I interject?”

Celestia and Anny looked at her in surprise before the human nodded. “Sure, Fleur, whatcha need?”

The mare smiled, oddly happy at how put-out the Princess looked. “Well, I have a few things that need to be moved around my home, and I’d thought, since you do not have anything to do today, and since the two of us are becoming rather good friends, you could help me.”

She batted her eyes at him. “I’d appreciate it, a big, strong, stallion helping weak little old me.”

Celestia’s huff wasn’t unnoticed, and Fleur loved it, the unicorn looking up at the man as he hummed thoughtfully.

“Sure…” he finally said. “I’ll help you out…”

“I’d be more than happy to pay you.”

Now Anny looked a little uncomfortable. “You really don’t need to do—“

Fleur shook her head. “I will insist, Antaeus, I am a gentlemare after all.”

She was going to say more but reigned herself in. Just stay calm, filly, you don’t want to scare him away. She resisted the urge to rub her hooves together. All I’ll need to do is to set everything up… Today will be the first real step toward winning this stubborn stallions heart!

Anny looked over at Celestia, a mildly disappointed look on his face. “I can come over later, Princess, if you want.”

Celestia’s frown turned upside down as she looked up at her friend. Waving a hoof dismissively. “There is no need, Anny. What you’re going to be doing with Fleur sounds like it will be very time-consuming. You don’t have to come to the castle.”

“If I’m not tired then I’ll come over and we’ll get to do something, alright?”

You won’t even be thinking about your pretty princess, mon prince, Fleur thought, while the guard beside her frowned at her. Soon, I’ll have you wrapped around my hoof…


Cadence watched impassively from a rooftop as Anny, whistling, slowly made his way through the streets, a little smile on his face.

Alright, she thought, checking to see if her back spandex suit was on properly and her utility belt was still on. Time to go to work.

Shining, who was sitting next to his wife, sighed, resisting the urge to sit down. “Cadence, Honey, you know I love you right?”

The Princess of Love nodded absentmindedly, her tail swishing in annoyance. “Where did I put it?” she muttered.

Discouraged, but not down for the count, Shining continued. “I love you, but you don’t you think that this is a little much? We’re on top of a roof—which isn’t legal, but the way— stalking somepony like a bunch of crazy ponies. We need—“

“There you are!” Cadence interrupted, wrenching a gun-shaped device from her belt and grabbing her husband—who yelped.

“Cadence, what are you—“ Shining began.


Pointing the batclaw—that she got from Twilight—at the adjacent room top, and firing it, the alicorn said, “Honey, you better hold onto me tight cause this is gonna be a bumpy ride.”

Before he could ask what she meant by that, the prince underwent the unpleasant experience of going from zero to sixty in less than a second, the stallion screaming in terror as Cadence chortled.

“I love my job!” she roared, using a hoof to stop her husband’s screaming, a big smile on her face.

Your plan isn’t going to work, Celestia. In fact, I think that your little plan’s going to REALLY blow up in your face.


“Raindrops keep falling on my head~,” Anny sang, waving at a group of ponies. “I don’t know the rest of the son~—“


He stopped, a puzzled expression on his face as he stopped and looked up. “What the heck was that?”

Looking around, he noticed that a bunch of other ponies were also looking around for the disturbance.

Deciding that it wasn’t his problem, and there wasn’t anything that he needed to run from, he just shrugged. “Huh, weird. Well, I should get going, Fleur’s stuff isn’t gonna move itself… And, maybe if we hurry, Celestia and I can go and get something to eat!”

Now with a pip in his step, the man hurried to the nicer part of Canterlot, where every home was enclosed in gates, trying to remember where the supermodel’s mansion was.

Now, is it the mansion with the walls or is it the mansion with the fancy walls? Anny mused, trying to look through each of the entrances until he saw a familiar cutiemark painted on a gate.

“There we go!”

Clearing his throat, Anny walked up to the door and knocked on the giant metal door, wincing with each loud clashing sound.

“I wonder if Fleur has a door pony or something… Or maybe—“

Anny blinked as the door was almost violently thrown open, revealing a well-dressed, elderly stallion.

“Good evening, Sir,” the stallion said, looking Anny up and down. “Am I to assume that you are Anny?”

The man smiled, offering him a hand. “Hello there, and yeah I’m—“

The butler spun around, leaving him with his arm out like a moron. “Excellent. My lady Fleur has been expecting you.” He started to slowly walk down a cobble-stone trail while Anny awkwardly lowered his hand. “Come, she will be in her study.”

“…Alright… Mr…”

“You may call me Jeeves, sir.”

Anny blinked in confusion, allowing the stallion to lead him around. “…Mr. Jeeves.”

Like every other noble that could afford it, Fleur’s housing was as over-the-top and luxurious, almost to the point of ridiculousness.

Sure, having one statue of yourself was okay—Anny would put one in his house, a small one, if he could afford it—but seven? That was a little too much for his taste.

“So, Jeeves,” Anny said, trying to figure out a way to talk to this pony without it being awkward. “How’s the butler business treating you?”

Unlike the snort that he was expecting, Jeeves said, “It is adequate, Sir.”


“Yes, Sir. I am kept busy by the lady of the house; that is all that I need.”

Anny bit his lip, silently praying that this little walk would be over soon. For some reason, this old pony seemed almost robotic to the him, but maybe all butlers were like that?

Maybe I could tell him a paradox or something, then maybe he’ll exp—

“Sir, we are here.”

Anny blinked, looking up at a seemingly normal—or more normal than the rest of this place—looking little house.

“This is it?” he asked unsure. “Isn’t it a little…”

“I believe the word you are looking for is ‘simple,’ Sir.”

Anny nodded. “Yeah, simple.”

Jeeves shrugged. “This was a pet-house when the last noble owned this place,” he answered while Anny tried not to flinch.

Dogs lived here?” he asked, not believing it.

The stallion shook his head. “No, Sir, I believe that a pair of cats made this place home.” He gestured toward the door. “Now, I believe that we shouldn’t keep the lady waiting, so let us be off.”

Jesus, and I thought the castle was a little much, Anny thought as the butler opened the door for him. A house just for your pets… I really hope that I make that much money someday…

As soon as he made his way through the door, the human realized that this mansion’s previous owner either loved their cats very much, Fleur redecorated since getting the place, or the owner was nuts, because the place looked great.

Like, if he had to imagine a house that he wanted to live in, he’d pick something like this.

Far bigger-looking on the inside than on the outside, the house was littered with oddly-shaped frames, bookshelves, what looked to be a pool table, and a few other things that made Anny want to grin in sheer giddiness.

“…Wow,” he muttered.

Jeeves nodded, looking around. “Yes… It is very… quaint, isn’t it?”

“Oh, bonjour mon ami!”

Before he could so much as blink, Anny was spun around by an ecstatic Fleur, who hopped up and kissed his cheeks. “Thank you for arriving to help me!”

Prench ponies are weird… Anny thought as he looked down at the unicorn, who looked ready to hop around the room.

“Hello, Fleur,” he said, trying not to giggle at her antics. “I see that someone had a good afternoon.”

The supermodel blinked before her face exploded into a blush, Fleur shimmering before looking away from him. “Oh my goodness! Please forgive me, Anny, I didn’t—“

Anny shushed her before patting her on the head. “It’s fine, Fleur,” he told her. “I know that the whole kissing thing is some Prench custom, so it’s fine.”

The mare blinked in confusion before nodding rapidly. “Yes, yes it, urm, it is a Prench custom!”

Anny turned away from her, Fleur breathing a sigh of relief. Thank Celestia for that, she thought, straightening her mane.

Anny rubbed his hands together. “Alright, Fleur, where’s that stuff that you need moved around? I’m sure we got a lot of stuff to do so we may as well up and get to it.”

Just breathe, Fleur, just breathe. It’s time to make him yours! With a little nod she turned toward Jeeves.

“Jeeves, that will be all,” she said with a little thankful smile. “And thank you for bringing Antaeus here.”

Her butler bowed. “As you will, my Lady.” Still bowing, the aging stallion slowly made his way out of the house, leaving Fleur alone with Anny.

Taking a deep, calming breath, and clapping her hooves together, she said, “Alright, mon ami, if you would follow me upstairs, then we can begin rearranging my little home.”

Anny nodded, patting her back. “Alright, Fleur, let’s—“ he stopped, his eyes sparkling when he saw something across the room. “This… that’s a snow cone machine?”

This might be easier than I thought… Fleur couldn’t keep the little grin from forming on her face. “Why, yes it is, Anny. It is a guilty pleasure of mine.” She looked up at him. “Would you like a snow cone before we begin?”

You really want it, don’t you? The little devil on Anny’s shoulder said. And look at all this other stuff; I bet if you ask nicely enough Fleur will let you mess with it.

A little angel appeared on the man’s other shoulder, stomping his feet. No, Anny, you have to help Mrs. Fleur with this! The longer you mess around the less time you’ll get to spend with Celestia!

“Well…” Anny said doubtfully. “I don’t know…”

“I have an ice cream machine in the other room if you’d prefer that,” Fleur helpfully added, Anny grinning stupidly.

“Of course I want some ice cream!” he said, almost hopping in place. “What are we waiting for?”

As the human jogged into the other room, Fleur sat down and rubbed her hooves together. “Yes, my little human,” she muttered. “Soon, you will be mine!”

“Did you say something, Fleur?”

“N-no, n-no, Anny, my dear! I was just speaking to myself!”


“…You vile mare,” Cadence whispered, looking through her binoculars from a safe distance. “You vile, genius of a mare…”

She got up from her prone position to look around for her Shining. “Shining, where are you?” she whispered/yelled, perking up at a wheezing sound as Shining finally climbed onto the roof with her, rolling onto his back and looking up at the air while he tried his very best not to pass out.

“Why…didn’t…you…help…me up?” he weakly demanded, looking at her with glazed eyes.

The Princess of Love shrugged dismissively. “I’m going to need the magic to help us get into the mansion.”

“You…made me….climb….five stories…”

Cadence grinned sheepishly. “Don’t worry, Honey,” she patted him on the back. “All of that was good for you!”

Before the ex-captain could rebuttal, Cadence looked back at the mansion. “She’s really pulling out all the stops, Shining. I can’t believe that she pulled the build-an-awesome-house-to-get-closer-to-somepony trick.”

Shining finally struggled to his hooves, looking at the edge of the roof and toward the mansion. “How are we going to…get down there?”

He shook his head when the alicorn gestured at her batclaw. “Nono, none of that! I’ve had enough of this nonsense today.” His expression became stern. “If we’re going to do this, we’re doing it my way…”


I wonder if my Lady will be wanting tea, Jeeves thought as he quietly made himself some soup. I could make that Earl Grey that she adores in celebration when she wins over Mr. Anny.

The elderly earth pony hummed thoughtfully before shaking his head. No, that wasn’t needed; he would be called if he was needed. Mrs. Fleur just needed to work his—

Jeeves blinked as Cadence and Shining—who were still in their ninja outfits—crashed into the room, Shining whooping in triumph.

“See, Cadence? I told you that you would—“

The unicorn stopped when Jeeves cleared his throat in amusement, Cadence and Shining freezing as the butler, shaking his head, slowly opened a drawer.

“My, my,” he tettered, rummaging through the drawer. “It looks like we have a pair of intruders.”

Shining and Cadence’s eyes widened when Jeeves pulled out a pair of black nun-chucks, moving his neck side-to-side.

Twirl! Twirl!

Twirling his weapon slowly, he fully turned toward them. Sighing, he muttered, “Oh, I hope that my lady wouldn’t hear this… Now, would you two be dears and hold still? It has been a while since I’ve used these…”