• Member Since 12th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen May 18th, 2016

NightShader


Suggest who you want to see next in the Heartwarming moment series in my Blog.

T
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One day you decide it's time to change it all. Instead of minding your own business, you accompany Celestia to wherever she needs to go to. A bond is certainly being established...But what kind of bond?

.
My first attempt at a multichapter story. Celestia has been requested a lot of times for a heartwarming moment but as soon as I began, I realized something. I wasn't able to make a one shot out of it without breaking the story. Because of that, this will be the first story I've written with more than one chapter.

I have no idea how long it will be and chapters will probably be posted once every week.

Big thanks to my (retired) editor Keeper-of-Harmony.

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 345 )

I wish to read it now, but I'm a tad bit busy at the moment.

Also

...astablished...

I didn't point this out because I'm a jerk, I pointed out just because it was out in the open. Feel free to delete this comment when you correct it.

Interesting...

I'll give a full comment once you hit the lovey dovey stuff :derpytongue2:

3011518

In the description, the above error ought to be "established".

Next time you attempt to edit, perhaps you should point out where the error is, so the author doesn't look in the wrong place or have to find a needle in a haystack.

3011513

Dealing with alien life forms? Zombies? Demons? Terrorist cells?

3011586
No. I'm trying to find the Doctor so I can tell him he left his sonic screwdriver in my garage.

3011518
Thanks for noticing.
My story got rejected at first because the description was lacking. That caused me to quickly write whatever popped up in my mind without reading it afterwards. I'll use that as an excuse for any further grammar errors you find :rainbowlaugh:

You had better have a drunk celestia scene planned. :ajbemused:
Drunk celestia is best celestia:twilightblush::trollestia:
Also this story is very nice, please continue:moustache:

3011595

Ooh, good luck. He's hard to find. Perhaps you should just hold onto it until he comes looking... keep it safe, that kind of thing...

Loving this story so far :heart:

another one with the same quality excellent:twilightsmile::yay::moustache:

JBL

One day you decide its time to change it all. Instead of minding your own business, you accompany celestia to wherever she needs to go to. A bond is certainly being established...But what kind of bond?

My first attempt at a multichapter story. Celestia has been requested alot of times for a heartwarming moment but as soon as I began I realized something. I wasn't able to make a one shot out of it without breaking the story. Because of that, this will be the first story I write with more than one chapter.

I have no Idea how long it will be and chapters will probably be posted once every two days.

One day you decide it's time to change it all. Instead of minding your own business, you accompany Celestia to wherever she needs to go to. A bond is certainly being established...But what kind of bond?

My first attempt at a multichapter story. Celestia has been requested a lot of times for a heartwarming moment but as soon as I began, I realized something. I wasn't able to make a one shot out of it without breaking the story. Because of that, this will be the first story I've written with more than one chapter.

I have no idea how long it will be and chapters will probably be posted once every two days.

3012059
Wow, thanks for editing my description. Saves me some trouble:twilightsheepish:

JBL

3012065 No problem. As you know, a description can make or break a story, especially if there's errors on them. Most of the time I don't even spare them a second glance before moving on.

... wow. No real opinion. Just... wow.

Celestia and alcohol...
...
The details start to get a bit fuzzy after the 7th or 13th bottle, but I'm almost positive Luna was sent to the moon... again.

Royal drinking contest!
GO!!!

Really nice job. Looking forward to seeing the next chapter. :twilightsmile:

I must admit these kinds of stories are not really my favourite. A lot of the time they make little sense and I can't help but cringe. The second person perspective is a bit of a turn off for me. But your story is nowhere near alone when it comes to second person stories that seem to stray into the category of "kind of weird." My biggest issue with this story is your use of the word Anonymous as a name. It always seems odd to me because I have a difficult putting myself into the shoes of the character when he is explicitly called anonymous. So long as you do a good job of conveying that you are being the one being talked to through context there shouldn't even be much need of using a name. I figure you could just remove the word anonymous and it would still make sense and it's quality will improve.

Take this for example:

"Good Morning anonymous, have you slept well?" She asks as she does every day.
versus
"Good Morning, have you slept well?" She asks as she does every day.

While it works a bit better in context there really isn't much difference in the end. This is mostly personal opinion on second person stories since I haven't really read many. Although, second person stories generally don't get published and there is a good reason for that.

3012793

Don't get me wrong as I truly value your opinion.

The problem is that I do this for my followers. They came because of my second person stories with anonymous in it, that is why I keep it this way.

Seeing as this got in to the featured box (turn off view mature) I'm considering doing a third person story to gain a bigger crowd. But as for now, I'm sticking with my basics.

Alcohol...

...this can't get any better ^_^.

Looks interesting, i will keep my Eye on this fic.

Spacecowboy
Moderator

Anonymous...

Nope. I'm fucking done. I don't care if this was the fucking Robert Jordan of fanfiction, Anonymous as a name went out of style in the 1990s.

Spacecowboy
Moderator

Also, some errors for you.

Comma usage. Anytime someone is being directly addressed, there's a comma before/after their name. Ex...

"Indeed I have, what about you Celestia?" should be "Indeed I have, what about you, Celestia?"

Capitalization. You missed one or two with... /shudder.... Anonymous.

Also, the story reads as "I did this. She did that. I did this while she did that." A lot of your sentences could stand to be joined together, and some further details given.

How the fuck did this get featured?

Spacecowboy
Moderator

This is subpar quality, at best. In 2nd person narrative, you can use contractions. Don't really see any here. Typically it's 3rd person you don't want it in the narrative, as there is no set speaker. But, with both 1st and 2nd POV, they're fine. It's 'Your' brain doing the narration, and we think in contractions. EDIT - Consistency. You have some instances where they're used, but others where they aren't.

More capitalization errors. Hell, it's in the Chapter Heading in the text body. Also, you have “I have an Idea.” Another improper use of capitalization.

Disbarring the fact that this is a crappy 2nd person POV story, you really need to get an editor. Commas are missing all over the place, you have some issues with capitalization, etc. Your story still reads extremely clipped, even moreso than one's thought trail would be. It's a mere 2,000 words, not enough to really do anything with. 1st and 2nd person POV stories should be on the longer side, as the thoughts are all spelled out.

Honestly, just looked at your story list. For only writing 2nd person POV stories, one would think you would have a slightly better understanding of these facts for them. Shame on your readers for not pointing out the obvious, or shame on you for not listening to them. Either way, this is extremely poor writing, all things considered.

Comment posted by Albionian deleted Aug 9th, 2013

Great story so far. Hope to see awesome chapters in the future! :twilightsmile:

Gotta say I'm a fan of your fics, but when I read that this was a multi-chapter story, all I thought was "finally." Every fic seems like a really good teaser for a longer story that never gets written.

As for the story itself, it's a really good set up and it'll be interesting to see where it goes from here.

Ooo, alcohol. Time to see celestia speak out of her mind to anon~

I was sold after reading this chapter. Great story.

Well that was a weird way to end the chapter. :twilightoops:

3014974

and this year picture related to story goes to this guy congratulations

3015137

yeppers peppers *gives golden epic fountain full of milk chocolate that is edible even by people who are allergic* Ta Da(peter griffin Ta Da)

Yes! Another Celestia romance fic, and it's second person for the most part. These are pretty rare to come by, buti always enjoy reading them.

*Sigh* A good story. Sadly it is ruined with the name anonymous. Using that as a name screams, "Hey! I'm too lazy to come up with a name!"

Hell, with second person I'd take no name over anonymous. Or if you really want a name something like James or even Bobby would do.:applejackunsure:

I shall read the next chapter, but I will withhold the like and fav.

3013930
Hmm, I thought that you wouldn't read my stories because the character was named Anon:rainbowhuh:

Anyways, maybe this story got featured because not everyone looks at this the way you do. Some people actually do like it.

I got an Editor yesterday but that was after I already posted the story.


Indeed all my stories are in second person but I didn't start writing so long ago. (I'm a newbie)

Thanks for the constructive critisicm.

Spacecowboy
Moderator

3015786
Was voicing my disgust with the name Anon, and then since I was already reading, kept at it.

I know I came off as a bit of a douche, so I'll apologize for that. However, it's good to hear that you've gotten an editor, if they're competent they will help you learn a lot as you work with whoever it is. The key is that they point out the problems and leave the corrections to you. Otherwise, you won't learn anything and it's ultimately pointless for you.

I'd say you should give 3rd or 1st person a spin. Which one ultimately depends on how you want to let readers see the characters. 2nd person is [mostly] seen as the extremely inexperienced folks destroying everything 'sacred' about writing in all the wrong ways. Inheritently speaking, it's not the best view to write from, as the focus is narrow, and you have to specifically keep the verbage vague and well written enough that the reader can immerse themself and see the story from their eyes. Honestly, assigning a name in a 2nd person story in general is kinda bad, it's another thing that blocks the reader from seeing the story from the character's POV, which is the whole purpose.

Don't normally do this, but, although I'm not the best writer out there, if you ever need general tips and whatnot, feel free to send me a PM with whatever questions you might have. With some work and moving away from the 2nd person POV, I'd look forward to something like that.

3015541

It's not lazyness. I simply write everything for the Anon in equestria group.

wow, everyone complaining just for the name... i don't see the problem, this is getting good :rainbowkiss:

A HumanxCelestia story? I am intrigued :moustache:

For some reason, reading Jeff the Killer wasn't scary, but seeing drawings, artwork, and pictures of his face scare me unbelievably.

I'm talking to you; Legendoflink.

:imwatchingyou:

The dialogue is awkward in a lot of places. It seems like you're trying to have them speak formally, but you're inconsistent about it. Sometimes Anonymous sounds more dignified than Celestia, other times the reverse. Sometimes you're going out of your way to avoid contractions in a way almost reminiscent of Data from Star Trek, then in the next sentence you have them lapse into low class slang.

Dialogue needs to be cleaned up. It's awkward enough that it's distracting.

3016220
How I see it:

Anonymous and Celestia currently do not know if they should speak formally to each other or not.
They are friends, ofcourse. But she remains royalty, no matter how you look at it:eeyup:

3016226

Then have her speak like royalty. The story is littered with extremely middle class american expressions. "I'm fine." "No problem." "Catch up."

The issue is not one of familiarity. It's word and idiom choice. And yet despite using expressions like these, again...you're very obviously trying to make them sound more regal, but you're not quite succeeding.

To give you an analogy, imagine if I wrote that Celestia said "Sup, man? Would you care for a spot of tea? Oh my goodness, I daresay I've poured too much. That's like, totally lame how it got on your britches. Oh dear me, look at the time. I must be off, Ta ta, and later dude."

Do you see the back and forth? There's an inconsistency of word choice and phrasing. That's the feeling I get from this story.

3016243
:rainbowlaugh: I understand what you mean now. Could be just me, but if someone wrote like that I would find it hilarious.

Thanks for noticing, I'll see if I can get my editor to help me with that.

Booze! :rainbowwild:

Side note, for some reason, this song popped into my head for the end:

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