• Published 31st Jan 2014
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide - little big pony



A cutsie little love story between a human and best princess

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Step Three... [REDACTED]

The crystal caverns underneath Canterlot were one of the greatest mysteries that the city had to offer. Largely unknown by most of the populace, mostly unexplored, and absolutely vast, the caves were the perfect place to hide if one needed to lay low for a while, be that person criminal, traitor, or supermodel.

After the absolute disaster that had been Fleur’s attempt to ruin Anny and Celestia’s date, and the consequences that had happened shortly afterward (not counting that she had been tossed out of the lake and into a tree) had left the mare in pain (both physical and emotional), confused, and in despair.

Because of her actions she had put Celestia and Anny in danger, had almost put herself and Blueblood in the hospital, and had probably damaged her relationship with one of her closest and oldest friends in such a way that she expected the prince probably wanted nothing to do with her for a good long while.

In fact, after she had had fallen out of the boat and on to the hard, hard ground, and after Fleur had realized what she had just done, she had almost welcomed the chance to be caught so she could just lay down and have a good cry and think about what the hay she was doing with her life.

Was she now just a common crazy pony, willing to do anything and hurt anypony to get what she wanted, no matter how she felt afterward? She already knew that ramming Anny and Celestia’s boat, though satisfying, was not something that normal, well-adjusted ponies did to their fellow equine, so why did she do it? Why was she acting like this?! WHY?!

She had felt so bad that she was going to go apologize to Anny, Celestia, and anypony else she could think of for her behavior when she was caught, but as luck would have it her butler had other ideas.

“Please watch your step, my Lady, the path can get a bit slippery in places.”

How the hay Jeeves knew his way through the caverns, along with how he had just suddenly appeared before her while she had been desperately trying to cry at the bottom of some tree, was a mystery to the model, but she had just chalked it up to her butler being her butler.

Jeeves had been with her for almost as long as she could remember; the stallion was as sharp as a whip and dedicated to his job, even if it meant that he had to love the sun and moon to protect her.

Jeeves needed to take a week off work to go master some long-forgotten martial art because he wanted to be her butler and her bodyguard? She had thought the idea silly until very recently, so the off time she had given him was worth it. It was a little odd, and a little too… much but she appreciated the gesture and almost expected it from him. But Jeeves somehow knowing paths,open caves, and safe houses in a place most ponies still didn’t know existed? That seemed a bit more than Jeeve’s job description.

When the heck did he get the time to even come down here? Why had he been around the lake when Fleur had insisted that he stay at the manor? Why in the name of all that was holy did she let him bring her to a place like this?!

These questions were starting to bother Fleur so much that she was starting to forget her unhappiness, numbness, and despair with the whole first date affair. She wanted answers, for some if not all her questions, and the one that would probably be able to answer most of them was walking right in front of her, wearing a stylish vest with a handkerchief folded neatly in one of his pockets.

“Jeeves, might I ask you a question? “ she quietly asked in her native tongue, squeezing through a section of the rocks to keep up with him.

Jeeves slowed his pace and turned around to look at her. “Did you need something my lady?” He asked politely in Prench. “Some water or something to nibble on perhaps?”

“Would you mind sharing with me why you seem to know this place like that back or your hoof?” she asked curiously, trotting up to him. Her butler, usually a paragon of calm and collectiveness, almost seemed to get just a little bit twitchy the closer she got. “I don’t see a stallion like you cave-diving whenever I insist you have a day off…”

“After that nasty business with the changeling invasion, I decided to set something up for you, my lady, incase you ever needed somewhere safe to go,” the butler replied with an almost embarrassed tone, walking over to a seemingly normal pile of rocks. “I apologize for not bringing it up sooner, but it took quite a bit longer to get it up and running that I had anticipated.”

Fleur was about to ask what he meant when Jeeves, with a slight grunt, flipped what sounded like a giant switch, flooding the cavern with light; so much light in fact that Fleur was forced to shield her face with a hoof.

“Please, Jeeves, a little more warning next time you do… whatever you just did,” Fleur said, almost taking a step back when she felt the once frigid room jump twenty degrees in twenty seconds.

“Of course, my lady, I’m terribly sorry.”

You know… I do not recall paying Jeeves enough to afford something like that, Fleur thought while she waited for her eyes to get used to the light. …I really should ask Jeeves what his occupation was before I acquired his services…

Blinking a few more times to clear her vision, Fleur looked in awe.

Lights, each glowing as bright as any star, dotted the massive cave, illumining it so well that if she bothered, Fleur could have counted the stalactites hanging from the ceiling. While this, though obviously difficult to pull off in the best of circumstances, could be done, it seemed that Jeeves had gone all out on trying to blow his employer’s mind with just how far he was willing to go in building a “safe house”.

Built into the cave walls, or hung by thick steel cables, were platforms throughout the massive cavern. Thick, black, and sturdy-look, eight of these platforms were spaced throughout the cave, each one of them bigger than a house and multi-layered with smaller platforms, and from those Fleur could see supplies; from giant barrels of water to piles of blankets and foodstuffs.

Before her may as well have been an underground city, and, to be frank, Fleur was having a little trouble understanding what the hay was going on, what the heck she was seeing, and how the heck did something like this get built by one elderly stallion living on a butlers wages?!

It shouldn’t have been possible for something like this to be built in a place like this, not for any one at any time for any means, yet here it was. A building like this was on par with the triangles of Keeiza, which had each taken decades to build and had requires thousands of camel workers working around the clock to complete. But all of this; all of this had been done by her butler. Who was an elderly stallion with some minor back problems. A stallion who spent almost every waking moment taking care of her; meaning that there was no way that he’d be able to do something like this!

“…Jeeves?”

“Yes my lady?”

Fleur frowned, struggling to find the right words to say.

“Could you please explain to me what… all of this is?”

Jeeves looked around the cave with an appreciative eye. “Well, my lady, before the invasion the Changeling queen wanted to have somewhere where her hive could rest, relax, and feed on the love that came from the city below.”

The sound of buzzing was the only warning that Fleur received before she found herself on her back, being held down by three changeling’s, each whom were grinning maniacally as they stared down at the now terrified mare with sneers.

“Though the Canterlot guard had spent weeks trying to search every nook and cranny of the caverns, these caves are simply too big and too maze-like for most to successively navigate through, much less guard. So, even though the princess had put in place some defenses, and torn down a few caves to keep anypony from coming up through the caves to attack the city, there was no way for them to catch anypony from coming back into these lovely caves whenever they wanted.”

“J-Jeeves, run!” Fleur screamed, trying to wrench the horrible creatures off her. The Changelings hissed as her horn glowed to life, picking one of them into the air and slamming it into the other two, knocking all three into the wall.

Getting to her hooves with a growl, Fleur was about ready to race out of the caves, out of this sudden madness, when she felt a warm hoof gently touch her shoulder.

“Now calm down, my lady,” Jeeves said, tenderly grabbing Fleur’s cheek and forcing her to look at him. “There’s no need to get huffy; just calm down and relax for me would you?”

Jeeves… was right; there was no reason that she needed to struggle. Everything was fine… she could trust Jeeves. He would make sure that she would be okay…

“Those were not Changelings, my lady; those were… assistants. Assistants that are going to do everything in their power to help you win back that Anny of yours. Do you understand?”

Fleur couldn’t help but nod. Of course she was happy that she was going to get help winning back her love from the clutches of that evil alicorn that had taken him! It was very nice of Jeeves to find ponies that would be willing to help her…

Jeeves smiled, leaning in and giving her cheek a nuzzle, which, though a very odd thing for him to do, still felt nice.

“Very good my lady. Now some of these assistants are going to lead you back to the manor and keep you company. Do you understand?”

Fleur nodded once again. “Of course, Jeeves,” she said, her voice weak and her tone sleepy. “I would like to get some rest anyway... I have had a difficult day.”

Jeeves nodded sympatrically. “Of course, my lady. You deserve all of the rest that you can get.” The “stallion” watched as Fleur, whose eyes were tinged with a green hue, was led out by a small group of Changelings. “And don’t worry about the human and the princess, lady Fleur, I will make sure that something is set up to deal with them.”

“Will it help me win my love, Jeeves?” Fleur called as she was led out of the room.

The butler grinned. "Of course my lady."

With an eruption of green flame, “Jeeves” changed, morphing into a towering Changeling, with cruel green eyes and a fang-filled and evil smile. This was not an average Changeling, this one was stronger than her fellows; stronger , smarter, and one that had a thirst for vengeance. One might even say that she was a queen among the commoners.

Suddenly, a single Changeling drone flew down from one of the platforms and landed before, quickly bowing his head in respect.

“The hive has finished settling in as per your orders, my Queen,” he said.

The changeling queen regarded him with a pleased smile. “Excellent! Have the scouts reported anything of worth during my absence?”

The drone nodded, his gaze still glued to the floor. “There have been more and more guardspony patrols venturing closer and closer to this section of caves, my Queen. If we are not careful we might be discovered.”

The queen frowned, turning around and walking down the path. “Return to your duties, drone. I have a few… errands to run before I go to play with that unicorn again. And do not worry about the guard; my plans will be ready before they even come close to finding our new home.”

After her first attempt at capturing this city had failed, the ponies of Canterlot, and all of Equestria as a whole, had become far harder to infiltrate. Guards routinely scanned for changelings, more security measures had been put in every major and minor city, and now many more ponies seemed ready and willing to tell the guard if they thought one of their neighbors was acting a little strange.

It was getting harder and harder for a changeling queen to keep her brood fed and happy in this land of colorful little horses, but after the… incident, the queen couldn’t care less if her hive starved or were caught or even banished. She was down in these caves, once again, for the sole purpose of revenge. She was going to crush Celestia, look her in the eye while she took everything away from her, and Fleur was going to help her with that.

At first the queen was just going to suck up whatever love came from the mare, and live in the best of Canterlot luxury, all the while keeping an eye on the princesses coming and goings, but that had all changed when this “Anny” had come into the picture. With him there was an opportunity to win back what she had lost and take everything from those that had snatched victory out of her hooves.

All it had taken was a little bit of magic, a few choice words, and nudging with and that in the right direction, but the supermodel had performed just as the queen had wanted. Fleur had the money, the loving fans, and the connections to keep Celesta and those worthless princesses busy while she and her Changelings grew stronger and re armed themselves. Soon, Canterlot would be hers; her Changelings would have all of the love that they needed and she’d be queen of all. As she was always meant to.

All she needed to do was break that wretched Princess of the Sun’s heart.

Cadence, Twilight, and Luna she could deal with, but even with all of the love she had been gorging on she was nowhere near as powerful as she had been at the wedding, and Celestia, though a fool, was by far one of the most powerful creatures on this planet.

One could not fight a mare that moved planets with a thought head on if one did not have the power to do so; that was suicide. No, she needed to break her spirit, destroy her will to fight even before the fight began.

The Queen could feel the love coming off the human and the alicorn, and would be able to even if she wasn’t an emotion-eating parasite. If she could absorb any of that love, or direct all of the love that human creature was pumping out to Fleur, or at the very least use Fleur to clog up their relationship as much as possible…

Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, Lady of Lies, and the first of her name, couldn’t help but smile as she disappeared in a flash of green fire, once again changing into Fleur’s “Faithful” butler.

“Now, how to steal that human away from her, I wonder?” she mused aloud, dodging and weaving around crystals, smiling whenever she saw her reflection.

“He doesn’t seem all that interested in Fleur, no matter what she or I do… and I won’t be able to use any of my magic on him. Celestia won’t believe for a second if he just loses interest in her…”

She hummed again, a pip in her step as she trotted down the jagged and uneven pathway. This plan of hers was constantly changing and twisting and becoming more and more dangerous; one wrong step and she’d be in a cell by the afternoon, or worse.

It was thrilling, scary even, and she couldn’t help but admit that she was looking forward to what was going to happen.

She was a Changeling: deceit and lies were her bread and butter. She almost needed them as much as breathing. And, though plans like this one were dangerous and had a high cost of failure, the results were the most… fulfilling when it succeeded…

With a chuckle, Chrysalis adjusted her vest and made sure her mane and mustache were on order, she quickly made her way back to the surface.

“This time it’s going to be perfect~” she sang under her breath, licking her lips as ponies, talking and laughing and most importantly, loving, walked by. “And this the queen will get her dues~”

Author's Note:

Sorry about short Ch. Been busy lately but wanted to get something out... and this bit IS important