//------------------------------// // Step Eight: Jealously is Your Best Friend Pt.2 // Story: How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide // by little big pony //------------------------------// Celestia never considered herself a sneaky pony. Sure, she could scurry around with the best of them if she really needed to, but someone of her…. size was pretty easy to pick out of a crowd, and since she was a pretty bad on-the-fly liar, she much preferred being upfront and honest with her intentions rather than use deceit and treachery any day. Which was why, as she watched Anny from the safety of the rooftop from the mansion next door, wearing a size too small black spandex one-piece, she couldn’t help but feel horrible. Here she was, a princess, stumbling around rooftops like a thief in the night, stalking who was pretty much her best friend, for no other reason than to watch the scene before her unfold and pray that everything was going to go perfectly. She was no better than Cadence or Luna, toying with the young man’s emotions by using Fleur as a decoy just because she wanted nothing to do with him. No, she mentally scolded herself. You want Anny to find the perfect special somepony, there’s nothing wrong with that. Giving her head a little spell, she cast a far-sight spell, looking through Fleur’s back house window. She gently frowned when she saw the mare, an ice cream cone caught up in her magic, laughing with Anny, who had about three cones--one halfway eaten--in his grasp, who looked like he was about to throw up laughing. I wonder what they’re talking about, she pondered, a stray feeling that she couldn’t identify worming its way into her gut. ...I bet that Anny told her that joke about the pony and the wheelbarrow. She smiled, giggling quietly as she recalled the joke. That was a really goo-- “Auntie?” The alicorn was wrenched out of her thoughts, slowly turning around to see a puzzled Blueblood, who was staring at her from the safety of his window. Gulping and putting on her usual serene smile, she said, “Yes, Blueblood?” “...Might I ask why you’re standing on top of my roof in a ninja outfit… that appears to be ripping in places?” Because you happen to live right beside Fleur and this is Luna’s, so it’s a LITTLE too small for me, Celestia thought, before sighing and patting the spot next to her. “Come here, Blueblood,” she said kindly while the unicorn backed up slightly, a look on his face suggesting that that was the absolute last thing that he wanted to do at the moment. “No thank you.” He slowly started to close the window while silently hoping that his obviously crazy aunt wouldn’t try to chase after him. “I think that I’ll just go back inside and let you do… whatever you’re doing and--erk!” Rolling her eyes, Celestia cast a spell, Blueblood yelping when he was teleported right at the edge of the roof with her, something that the acrophobic unicorn really didn’t appreciate. Clinging to his aunt’s side like his life depended on it--and it might because he couldn’t fly and they were pretty high up, the prince yelled, “SWEET MOTHER OF FAUST, PUT ME BACK INSIDE, PUT ME BACK INSIDE!” “Will you calm down? I think that I have it in me to keep you from falling off this roof,” Celestia said in irritation while she ruffled her feathers. “Now stop being a baby; I need another pair of eyes… and maybe somepony’s advice on a certain matter…” Blueblood pulled his gaze from the edge, the stallion still shaking slightly in terror, willing himself to look his aunt in the eye, if not for her benefit then to keep himself from losing it. Just don’t look don’t look down, he thought to himself, giving the alicorn a shaky smile. She’ll catch you do there’s nothing to worry about… probably. “A-And what do we need m-my advice on, auntie?” he asked, slowly unclenching himself from her side. “Does i-it have s-something to do w-with you being up here?” The solar princess nodded glumly. “Yes, actually, it does,” she confessed, her wings dropping to her sides in shame. “I’m up here to make sure that Anny’s date with Fleur goes well.” She nudged her wing toward the the window she had been looking into. “I’m sitting up here like a fool, hoping that they click together while feeling this… other emotion that I can’t place.” Blueblood, nodded, the stallion already knowing what specific emotion that princess was experiencing. “Really?” Celestis blew an irritated raspberry. “I want the best for Anny, even if I have to act like this.” She gestured toward herself. “To make sure that he’s happy, but I’m wondering if I’ve been putting too much into this.” She turned away from Blueblood, her mane whipping around as the wind picked up. “Antaeus is not some toy; he’s a living, breathing, feeling being and I’m trying to play matchmaker just because I don’t--” Her eyes widened and she her heart jumped to her throat when she saw Fleur get out of her seat, stride over to Anny, wrap him in a hug, and kiss him right on the lips. Time seemed to freeze as she watched Anny stiffen in shock, that feeling in the pit of her gut angrily roaring in protest. “I think I know what that feeling is,” she muttered, almost to herself. “I wonder if it’s wron--” “OH HORSEAPPLES, NOT IN THE FACE!!!!!” @!#$@ While Anny should have been suspicious about why Fleur had asked him to come to her mansion--the mare probably could buy a whole moving company if she wanted--the only thought that was in his mind was a simple one: This house was really, REALLY AWESOME! It wasn’t too big, the almost all-wood thing that it had going on was amazing, it was simple yet amazing in his simplicity... And, it had its own gym, a game room, and an ice cream machine, so it pretty much had everything that he wanted in a house. That, coupled with the mare he was spending his evening with, Anny was almost ecstatic that he hadn’t went up to the castle to go and see the princess. Almost. Fleur was a wonderful mare; charming, funny, sweet, admittedly beautiful, but she wasn’t… Celestia. The thought itself made him feel a little bad. She wasn’t trying to ask him out, she just needed him to help move some stuff, which she hadn’t gotten around to asking yet for some reason; he didn’t need to classify her as one of the princesses competition. But how could he not? Fleur was almost as funny, smart, and pretty as the princess, and Anny could admit to himself that she would be an excellent catch, but whenever he compared them--and he still knew that he should stop doing that-- Fleur just seemed like a Celestia knock-off and-- Stop it, Anny told himself while he tried to pay attention to what the mare in front of him was chatting about. Jerks compare women for no good reason. So just sit down and pay attention to what she’s talking about. He resisted the urge to groan. I don’t even know what she’s talking about! he thought, exasperated. She gives me ice cream, and I can’t be a good enough guest to just sit down and listen to her! I’m the WORST… “--So I’ve told you about my love-life, Anny,” Fleur said not knowing that inner turmoil that was going on inside Anny’s head. “How about you humor a mare and share some of your exploits?” The human just started back at the big, cheery smile, beginning to sweat while he cursed himself. Idiot, IDIOT!... Wait, how did our conversation about ice cream turn into this?... While he kind of knew that mares really shifted around during long conversations, going from one topic to another with the greatest of ease, this wasn’t really something he was ready, or wanted, to talk about. But, since she already poured her heart out to him--at least he was hoping that she just wasn’t pulling his leg because she knew that he hadn’t been listening--he willed himself to speak. “I’ve never really been that good with women,” he admitted, finishing his cone with a final bite while he looked away from her. “When I was younger and in school I’d just get tongue-tied around them, and as I got older I was too busy working to look into anything serious or anything like that.” That last bit was kind of a lie; while back on Earth he was pretty busy with his job, he wasn’t that busy, but he wanted to save a little face in front of Fleur. Not a lot of people really wanted to admit that they had full-time, successful careers but they were scared to talk to girls because of reasons. “And since the whole business of me getting stuck on this planet has been going on for so long.” He winced. “And it’s taken a little longer for me to get used to the idea of me dating anything other than a human, I’ve been pretty much a love desert at the moment, so there’s not really much to talk about.” He waved a hand in her direction. “At least compared with all of the stallions that I’m sure you go through on a weekly basis.” Fleur frowned, a hoof touching her chest as she looked him up and down. “Are you teasing me, mon chere? I refuse to believe that a stallion like you wasn’t a hit with the...er, human females.” “....” “....” The mare snorted. “At least tell me that you have had your first kiss,” she demanded, blinking when Anny just awkwardly cleared his throat, a small blush coming to his face as Fleur’s mind race. He has to be kidding?! she thought, before a small smile came to her face. ...Though, this could be for my benefit… “I apologize for my prying, Antaeus,” she said, trying to catch his eye while she worked up her courage. “And while I honestly cannot fathom why you were not a stallion with a mare on either arm, I believe that you will find a special somepony far sooner than you think if you just put yourself out and about.” That got a little smile out of him as he looked at nothing in particular. “Thanks, Fleur, that means a lot,” he said gratefully, not noticing that she had gotten up and was confidently making her way toward him. “And I think that I can help you with your premier baiser~.” Before Anny could so much as blink, the mare pulled him into a hug, her eyes shining, before she squished his cheeks together with her hooves and brought him into a kiss. It wasn’t a deep one, nor was it a heavy one; in was just a simple little smooch, but to Fleur it was like fireworks were going off all around her. The softness of his lips, their texture, the taste that she could gather from a simple kiss, was, in a work, perfect, so much so that she had to restrain herself from going any farther into it. He will be a very good kisser if he practices with somepony, she decided, letting her lips linger for a second longer before breaking the kiss and looking at him expectantly, trying not to grin like a fool as she said, “And there you have it! I hope that your first kiss was to your liking.” She frowned gently at the human’s unreadable expression before mentally shrugging to herself. I’m sure that this is just a lot to take in, she assured herself, walking back to her seat and plopping down. I AM a good kisser and… oh, I wonder if he’ll ask if we can do it again?! That- While the mare was having a little hissy-fit, squirming in her chair with an excited expression on her face, Anny was trying not to scream in frustration. To him, his first kiss was supposed to be special! Not something you throw away with some random person. Sure, it sounded girly and stupid that he cared so much about something so meaningless, but in his defense he had quietly hoped that the princess would be his first… And Fleur, no matter how noble her intentions or how silly she’d think he was if she found out how he was taking this, didn’t deserve to take that away from him. While not a very violent person, for a second, he saw red, ready to tell Fleur what he thought of the-- “OH HORSEAPPLES, NOT IN THE FACE!” @#$$#@ Shining knew that nunchucks were a stupid and silly weapon even in design. They were hard to control, they really didn’t generate enough force to really hurt somepony--at least compared to a plain ol’ stick anyway--they were liable to smack you right in the face if you weren’t careful, the list went on and on how dumb they were. At least he had thought that, before he saw what this old butler could do with them. As soon as the stallion stood in his back legs and put his weapons around his neck, Shining had had an inkling that maybe he and his wife should be getting away from him. That inkling was then turned into full-fledged horror when the stallion started whipping them around. It was almost like a movie, Jeeves not breaking eye contact with them as the sticked blurred around his body as he skillfully moved them around; whooshing sounds and what sounded like a little growl were even coming from him. “Defend yourself,” Jeeves growled, holding the nunchucks diagonally across his back while he narrowed his eyes at them, “if you CAN!” “Honey,” Shining said as him and Cadence slowly backed up. “Yes, Shiny?” “How about we just RUN AWAY!” Jeeves smirked as the two spun around and dashed out of the kitchen. “The hunt begins,” he said, before charging--still standing on his back legs--after them. When Cadence felt something narrowly miss her head, she panicked, her wings flaring as she willed herself to move faster. Here she was, running away from an elderly stallion in a mansion that she and her husband had broken into just to make sure that Anny and Celestia had a chance. While this seemed pretty acceptable in her mind, she did have one concern. “OH HORSEAPPLES, NOT IN THE FACE!” @!#$$@ “...What was that?” Anny asked, looking out the window and toward Fleur’s mansion. And why did it sound an awfully lot like Cadence? His anger momentarily forgotten, he turned toward Fleur, who looked as puzzled as him. “...I do not know, Anny,” she confessed, taking a nervous step backwards from the door. “But it sounded like it came from my own home.” She gasped, her eyes widening as she hopped out of her chair. “Oh my goodness, it must be a raptor!” A hoof went to her temple while she swooned. “We must go and find the guard, Antaeus!” “But what about that butler of yours?” Anny asked, looking for something to defend himself with of he needed to. “Wasn’t he in your house?” You could almost taste the horror on Fleur as she forced herself to look out the window, her and Anny flinching at the sound of glass and wood breaking. “Oh poor Jeeves!” she laminated. “What if the poor stallion is hurt, or what if--” Placing his hand on the mare’s back, Anny gave her his bravest smile. “Don’t worry, Fleur,” he said while Fleur sniffled, “we’ll go in and check and see if he’s okay.” Fleur looked up at him, wiping away the tear from her eye. “Mais il pourrait être dangereux,” she said, too distraught to notice that she had gone back to her foreign tongue. “et nous pourrions être mal!” I have no idea what you just said, Anny thought before taking a deep breath and making his way toward the steps. “Go and get the guards, Fleur,” he called. “I’ll go and see what’s going on!” Please don’t be burglars! I don’t want to fight burglars! @##!##@ Celestia’s eyes widened, her gaze going to Blueblood for a moment before she looked back down at the mansion below. What was that? she thought to herself while she peer over the edge of the roof. And why the hay did it sound like Cadence? “RUN FASTER, SHINY!” Her worried expression soured into irritation. “And just what are they doing in there?” she muttered, while Blueblood nervously look back toward his window. “Auntie, should I go and call the guard?” he asked, sounding scared. The alicorn shook her head, giving him a comforting pat on the side with her wing. “No, I don’t think Fleur is in any danger,” she said calmly, not able to keep herself from smiling when saw Anny leave the little house with what looked like a bat. You say that you aren’t brave, Anny, but you’ll go out and see what’s going on? She spread her wings and started to glide toward him. I may as well make sure that you don’t bludgeon my niece with that stick.. @#$#$@ Up the stairs, down the halls, hop over the railing, hope you don’t get smacked, throw things at the crazy butler, rinse and repeat; that was what Cadence had been doing for the past five minutes while her husband was out searching for Fleur so she could put a stop to the butler, who wouldn’t stop grumbling at her. All it had taken was her breaking a vase, and a quick spell to get Shining away from her, and Jeeves sole attention was on her. While she hadn’t gotten whacked on the head yet, the earth pony was slowly starting to swing closer and closer to her noggin. “Could you please hold still for a moment? I would like to keep you contained before I call the guard.” “NO, you just want to hit me!” “...In my defense, that vase you broke was over three hundred years old.” Trying to get control of her breathing, the alicorn cast a spell, levitating dozens of things, vases, glass sculptures, pictures off the walls, and spun them around her before tossing them in a hundred different directions. Jeeves just rolled his eyes, putting his weapon around his neck before, with a few hops and leaps, he was able to snatch everything out of the air and gently put it down. Tsking, he said, “Will you please stop that, young lady, it did not work the last three times, it will not work if you try to do it again.” He raised an eyebrow at a terrified Cadence, who had accidentally cornered herself. “And it looks like you’ve cornered yourself.” Still shaking his head, he pulled his nunchucks off his neck and slowly made his way toward her while slowly spinning his weapon. “Please just make this easier for the both of us,” he said, while Cadence’s eyes darted around, desperately trying to find an escape route. “I’m just going to give you a little smack on the head, just one, and then I can call the guard so they can deal with you.” The Princess of Love watched as Jeeves slowly raised his mighty weapon, before she closed her eyes and waited for the killing blow. And waited, and waited, and waited. Is he just waiting for me to open my eyes? she thought, resisting the urge to sneak a peek. ...What’s that twinkling noise? “Cadence, would you be a dear and please explain to my why you’ve broken into one of my dear friends’ houses?” The pink alicorn winced at the speaker’s tone, opening an eye to see her aunt towering over her and an almost bored-looking Jeeves floating in her magic. Welllll, this couldn’t have gone worse… I knew I should have just let Shining stay home, then I wouldn’t have crashed through that wall and none of this would have happened and-- “Cadence,” Celestia said quietly, trying to mask the anger in her voice and failing. “Now would be a good time to explain yourself.” She looked over at the butler, who gave her a little bow. “And you, Jeeves, would you care to explain as to why you were about to assault a member of my family?” The stallion nodded while she carefully floated him back down to the ground, without his nunchucks of course; she didn’t want him hurting anyone. “Of course, Princess,” he said politely. “I witnessed her and a white stallion burst through one of my lady’s walls--” Cadence flinched as Celestia glared at her. “--dressed in those… outfits and--” “Which you also seem to be wearing, Princess.” Cadence and Jeeves turned toward the speaker as Celestia froze. Anny, makeshift bat still in hand, poked his head past Jeeves to look at her with a confused expression. “Why the heck are you wearing a ninja outfit?” “Yeah!” Cadence interject, just as confused about her being here as Anny was. The two frowned as Celestia looked around while beginning to sweat profusely. “Well, um, you see--” Sensing her weakness, and wanting to get everyone focused on her so she could think of a way to make her being here make sense, said, “What, were you stalking this hou--” Shining and Fleur burst into the hall, interrupting the mare. “It’s alright, Cadence, I brought Ms. Fleur and--” he stopped, surveying the scene for a moment before blinking in confusion. “... What’s going on here?” They all looked at each other, everyone trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together so their unexpected union could make a lick of sense, before Anny, scratching his head, said, “You know, Shining, that is a very good question…” Anny pointed at him and Fleur. “We’re here because this is Fleur’s house,” he said, trying to make sense of this madness. “But you three are wearing black one pieces for… some reason that I really can’t figure out right now and...” He trailed off, opening and closing his mouth for about a minute taking a step backward. “You know what?” he said cautiously, “I really don’t think I want to know what’s going on--” he waved his hands at them, “--here, so I think I’m just going to go home while you all talk this out.” Before he left, he gave Celestia a little smile. “Bye princess,” he said with a little wave. “I’ll see you in the morning for fun runs.” Celestia swallowed the lump in her throat and smiled back at him. “See you in the morning, Anny. And remember to take a water bottle with you like last time.” Anny nodded slowly before looking at Fleur. “Um, Fleur, I’m sorry that we didn’t get anything moved around in your back house.” He walked over and patted her on the back with a confused, but heartfelt smile. “I’ll try to come back over tomorrow if you want.” Fleur smile. “Thank you, Anny,” she said while he handed her back her croquet hammer. “But I don’t think that that will be necessary.” She looked at Shining and Cadence with a nasty smile. “I believe I have found two willing recruits for that.” “And we’ll pay for your damaged wall,” Shining said. “AND all of that other stuff that I might have broken running around,” Cadence added. Jeeves narrowed his eyes. “I think that you let these two off too cleanly, my lady,” he said, actually sounding slightly upset. “The least I could do is call for the guard and--” Fleur just waved him off as Anny quietly made his way out of the room and toward the mansion’s front door. “Oh, it doesn’t need to come to that,” she said offhandedly while magicking Cadence a broom and dustpan and looking at Shining meaningfully. “Princess, Jeeves will watch you while you clean up your mess. Sir Shining, you will come with me to do some lifting.” She cocked her head at him, giving him a nasty smile. “A lot of heavy lifting.” Cadence and Shining looked at each other before nodding, the Princess of Love snatching the cleaning materials out of the air and starting to work while Fleur turned toward Celestia, who gave her a nervous smile. “Well, it seems like you’ve gotten everything under control,” she said, backing away toward the door. “My niece and nephew are being punished accordingly, and you’re alive and well, so I believe that I will be taking my leave.” Her smile diminished, and she looked at the ground thoughtfully. “I have some… intense thinking to do.” Giving herself a little shake, she looked back up at her friend. “Goodbye, Fleur. Anny and I will be seeing you in the morning. You and I will need to speak to each other soon.” “Of course, Celestia.” While Fleur was a little curious as to why the princess was here and in a ninja outfit, she let it be. I’m sure she was just keeping an eye on how my and Anny’s relationship is going, she thought, walking over and giving the white alicorn a little nuzzle. Don’t worry, Celestia, Anny will be mine within the month. “Goodbye, Princess,” she said, smiling when she remembered the look on Anny’s face as he ate his ice cream. I could tell that he was thinking of you, she thought while the princess, ignoring the dirty looks Cadence was giving her, quickly made her way to the front door. The way his eyes shined! She giggled. Oh my, it appears that that my interest of the young man may have developed into a little crush. Her tail swished around in excitement as she trotted down the hallway with Shining following. Here she was Fleur de lis, supermodel extraordinaire and a noble of the highest standing, getting butterflies whenever she saw some commoner-- not even a pony no less!-- smile or laugh or giggle or just be himself. “You eyes will shine with the same love for me eventually, my dear Anny,” she whispered to herself with a manics grin on her face. “All I need is a little more time with you and your heart will sing for me and not her.” It was almost fun, in a sense. She versus Celestia, mare vs mare, princess vs supermodel, her charm and grace vs Celestia’s majesty. Even if Celestia wasn’t trying to woo the young man, her presence was all he needed to keep trying to love her, so whether she wanted to or not, the two were rivals until the time being. Or maybe she’s starting to feel some kind of love toward Anny? It made sense in a way. Where Celestia could have simply just stopped being around Anny, she practically spent all of the time she was off with him. She would smile--even if she didn’t notice it--whenever he entered the room. The two would even sit close to each other--snuggling was a better term in her mind--whenever given the opportunity. ...I WILL speak to her about keeping her distance, she thought. Anny will not get over her if she’s at his side at all times… Smile now gone, Fleur walked over toward a door and flung it open, turning toward Shining. “Sir Shining, this is my personal weight room,” she said calmly. “I would like you to taken everything here and put it where ever my butler Jeeves tells you to; he already has a room picked out on the third floor where these can be stored.” Shining paled, daring a look into the room and flinching what what he saw. “T-there’s a lot of dumbbells in there,” he mumbled, looking at the weight plates, the racks, the benches, pretty much everything that could be considered heavy. Fleur nodded. “Yes, and you have a very short time to move all of these,” she said, turning away. “I expect these to be put away by morning.” Without another word, she left Shining by his lonesome, the poor stallion not knowing that Jeeves was under strict orders to make this a wild goose chase for him, Shining looking at the room for another moment before muttering under his breath, “Oh horseapples.” He resisted the urge to put his head in his hooves. “Dirty, mucky, rotten horse apples, why do I keep letting Cadence talk me into doing things like this?!”