• Published 31st Jan 2014
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How to Court Alicorns: A Human's Guide - little big pony



A cutsie little love story between a human and best princess

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Step One: Pick your Target


Twilight sighed as she put her pointer down, a feeling of accomplishment welling up inside of her when she heard the only person that had sat down and listened to her lecture start to clap.


While usually disappointed that her lecture listeners were so few in number that she could count them with a single hoof—she put a lot of effort in her lectures after all—this time the low attendance was okay. This wasn’t one of those lectures that needed dozens of ponies to listen to and see. No, this lecture was for just a single person.


And Hopefully, thought the newly-crowned alicorn as she turned toward her friend and flashed him her best smile. This will help him with his relationship troubles.


While most ponies would hit the floor laughing at the mere thought of Twilight giving them relationship advice—a mare who’d blush every time a stallion looked at her couldn’t be a love guru, no matter how many books she read up on the subject—but this certain friend wasn’t even a pony, so the would-be shipper could get away with it.


No, this creature that was sitting on her couch and eating her chips, was something that, until very recently, had never been seen in Equestria, maybe never seen in this world. This mystery creature, nay, this scientific oddity that pony-science had trouble understanding, was none other than Antaeus the human.


Though his name made him sound like a god among men, the young creature Anny- which he preferred to be called since so many ponies had problems pronouncing his name- was just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill character.


He was on time for work daily, he paid his taxes, he cowered in the safety of his home whenever Twilight and her friends had one of their “days,” and he bought apples just like any citizen of Ponyville. The only thing that he had a problem with in his adjustment with the equines—and Twilight and her friends found this odd to the point of madness when he told them—was that he was a bit of a xenophobe where relationships were concerned.


After a bit of explaining on the human’s part, Twilight had found out that on the human’s home planet, Earth, they were the only sapient life forms, so courting or loving anything other than a human was downright frowned upon.


This xenophobia was so bad that for almost a year Antaeus had either ignored or rebuffed any attempts of courtship, even though Twilight could see how alone her friend felt.


Finally, the Queen of the Bookworms had had enough, and, after weeks of research on her part, she decided to do something about it. Dragging him to her humble abode one day, the alicorn lectured him—gently of course, she didn’t want to scare him off after all—on how silly he was acting.


‘We, and most of the species on this planet for that matter, were thinking, feeling beings, just like him’—she had told him—not the animals that they resembled back in Earth. So if he cared about a pony, or anything else for that matter, it didn’t matter what they looked like, so long as he loved them for what they were on the inside.


Antaeus was skeptical at first—a lifetime of learning wasn’t going to be changed in a single night—but the alicorn was persistent, showing the human that her fellow ponies loved, laughed, created, and hated with the best of humanity.


This was the epitome of all of her efforts though, one last lecture to finally get him over his fears and learn to love the pony, and—because of the clapping—she was sure that she finally won him over.


She didn’t get to the nitty-gritty of relationships with this lecture; everypony knew that babies came from the stork and she was sure that it was the same on the human’s planet so she didn’t bother, but she was sure that she had made her point.


“Bravo, bravo, Twilight!” Anny said, getting up and walking over to pat her on the head. “Your best yet, I’d say!”


The alicorn couldn’t stop a blush from appearing on her face as she beamed up at the human, stopping when she saw the teasing smile on his face. “...You’re making fun of me, aren’t you?” she asked, slightly irritated that Antaeus was poking fun at her hard work. Again.


She got another pat on the head in response, Anny’s grin not leaving his face. “Teasing, Twilight, just teasing,” he told the bookworm, trying not to laugh when she sat on her rump and folded her front-hooves in a pouting gesture. “It’s not like this is the twentieth one that you’ve made me listen to or anything.”


Twilight huffed indignantly. “I’ve only had you sit through twelve lectures, for your information!” For some reason, this only made the human chuckle.


“Did you at least learn anything?” she demanded.


To her surprise, the human’s grin vanished from his face, a somber look replacing it as he turned around and sat back on her couch, Twilight following him.


“Well, Twilight,” Antaeus said after a little thought. “I’ve been thinking about what you’ve been saying these past few months, and I think you’re right; I have been silly about this whole thing.”


Twilight had to keep herself from hopping around the room in excitement. Is this what Cadence feels when she helps ponies? she thought, giving Antaeus a bright smile.


“Oh?”


The human nodded, running his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, and would you believe that I think I’ve found someone that I think I’d like to ask out?”


The alicorn raised an eyebrow. “Who’s the lucky mare?” After a little thought she added, “Or stallion.” She raised her hooves in defense when she saw Anny’s look. “Hey, I don’t know your sexual orientation.”


While the human huffed, the alicorn ran through Antaeus’s possible crushes. Well, Rarity would be an obvious choice; she practically has stallions hanging on her every word. Or maybe Nurse Redheart, Antaeus and her seemed to hit it—


“I’m going to try to ask Princess Celestia out!”


Twilight’s eyes widened in shock. “W-What?”


The human, not seeing her look, continued with a semi-confident smile. “Yeah, she seems really nice and even when I wasn’t thinking about dating ponies I thought she was kinda good-looking so I think I should go—”


Now, Antaeus knew that Twilight and her mentor were very close, so he was a little nervous in admitting his feelings for someone who was pretty much the purple alicorn's second mother. At worst, he expected Twilight to kindly tell him off.


What he did not expect was the little pony tackling him to the ground, her face uncomfortably close to his while she stood on his chest, all while yelling at him a mile a minute.


“Youcan’tfallinloveshe’lltellyou’llnoandyou’llbecrushedan—”


The human sighed internally, letting her get her little panic-attack out of her system. Unfortunately for him, Twilight ‘The Book-Hound’ Sparkle had quite a lot of panic in her little purple body, so it wasn’t long before he had a hand clamp her mouth shut.


“Twilight,” the human calmly said as she looked down at him in panic. “Remember the breathing exercises that Princess Cadence taught you.” He inhaled deeply. “Breathe in.” He exhaled. “And out. Do it with me.”


Twilight did just that, doing breathing exercises with Antaeus until she calmed down enough to smile down at him. “Thank you, Anny,” she said gratefully, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof. “I got a little bit carried away.”


“Twilight, could you get off my chest? You’re making it a little hard to breathe.”


Now blushing hard, Twilight got off the human, her ears pinned against her head in shame. ‘“Sorry sorry!”


The human patted her on the head. “Calm down, Twilight, there’s no harm done. Now, what has you in such a tizzie?” He looked at her, unsure. “Do you think I’m not good enough for your teacher?”


That turned the princess into a shimmering, apologizing mess. “N-No, it’s not that!” she protested. “It’s just that I don’t want you to get your feelings hurt!”


Antaeus blinked, suddenly unsure about himself. “Why? It’s not like she’s dating anyone right now, right?”


Twilight shook her head. “Anny, she’s had thousands of suitors, stallion and mare, and she hasn’t picked a single one!


The human blinked. “Really?”


Twilight nodded. “Yeah! The chances of her actually saying yes to you is infinitesimal!” She looked up at the human, casting a careful eye over him. If she was being honest with herself, Antaeus was a strapping young man, in an exotic, alien sort of way.


Maybe he was a super stallion stud back in his world, so I don’t need to be worried, she thought, trying to figure this odd situation out. “Well, Anny, have you ever tried courting anypony before?”


Her hopes plunged when she saw the look that Anny was giving her. “Well… no,” he admitted, Twilight silently groaning at that little bit of information. “But I was hoping that you could help me out!”


And now Twilight was hyperventilating. “Why would you ask for my help? I haven’t had a colt-friend since I was nine! And that was with one of my stuffed animals while I was make-believing!”


“Well, I thought that since you knew her, you’d be able—”


“OHSWEETCELESTIAYOU’REGOINGTOBELETDOWNSOHARDAND—”


“STOP PANICKING!” the human yelled, now shaking the bookworm. “LET’S JUST CALM DOWN AND THINK ABOUT THIS!”


“ALRIGHT! BUT WE NEED TO STOP YELLING!”


The two stopped, panting while a slightly worried Spike came down the stairs to look at them. Clearing his throat, the dragon asked, “...Is something going on?” accidentally unleashing the madness that was the human and his step-sister.


“ANNY’SGOINGTOGETLETDOWNANDHE’LLFEELREALLYBAD!”


“TWILIGHT’SFLIPPINGOUTANDSHEWON’TSTOPYELLING!”


“ANNY?”


“YES,TWILIGHT?”


“WESHOULDREALLYSTOPYELLING!”


“BUTTHISISKINDAFUN!”


Sighing to himself, Spike brought two of his claws to his mouth and blew, a shrill whistle drowning out anything that the two had to say and forcing them to cover their ears.


Crossing his stubby arms and glaring at the two, he said, “Alright. First, before I deal with this,” he waved his arms around. “I’m going to go get some juice. Now, you two just sit quietly and don’t do anything until I get back.”


Twilight stiffened at her little brother’s disrespectful tone. “Spike, don’t you talk to me like-”


“Shush.”


“Spike—”


“Shush!”


Anny couldn’t help but grin as Twilight crossed her hooves and snorted softly, leaning toward her. “You better be quiet Twilight,” he murmured. “Or Spike will put you in a timeout.”


He got a light-hearted shove for that, Twilight trying to keep the smile off her face and failing as the two waited for the dragon to come into the room.


After collecting his juice, and a donut for good measure, Spike waddled into the room and sat down in front of the two, like a parent that was about to teach his children life-lessons.


“Now,” the purple dragon said. “What’s going on?”


Anny couldn’t help but smile. “Spike, aren’t you like twelve years old?”


He stiffened slightly, standing on his chair to try to mildly intimidate the human, which was ruined when the dragon realized that he didn’t even come to the sitting Anny’s chest so he sat right back down. “Hey! I can be worldly and all of that!” He argued. “It doesn’t matter how old I am!”


“Didn’t I buy you a power ponies comic the other—” Before Anny could tease the dragon anymore, he was introduced to the unpleasant experience of having a pony stick her hoof in his mouth.


“Wait, Anny!” Twilight said, excited now for some reason. “We might actually be able to use Spike to help us! Three heads are better than two after all.”


Anny hummed thoughtfully-after getting a dirty pony hoof out of his mouth of course- trying to get up off the couch. “Well, I think I’ll just ask Rarity; she’ll probably be able to give me some pointers on this.”


He was sat right back down by Twilight. “No, Anny! I can help you,” she said, almost hopping in excitement. “If we can get the princess to fall in love with you, I might finally be able to work up the courage to ask Time Turner out!”


Anny blinked. “So…you just want to do this for…”


“To help boost my confidence, yes,” Twilight said with a nod.


“That’s the dumbest thing I think I’ve ever—”


Spike whistled in appreciation, cutting the human off. “Man, Anny, here I thought I was aiming high with Rarity. Go big or go home I guess, and you’re going pretty big, Anny.”


For some reason, Anny couldn’t help but feel a little insulted by that. “Thanks, Spike, now why don’t you-”


He was interrupted once again by Twilight, who wrapped a front leg around his shoulder. “You can do this, Anny!” she said, her eyes filled with determination. “You have to do this, for loveless somebodies like us everywhere!”


Anny’s hope was rekindled. “Yeah?”


Twilight nodded, rising to her hooves and pointing to the sky as if daring it to contradict her. “Yeah! There’s a chance that Spike and I can help you get a date with one of the most sought-after beings on the planet!”


Now the human was feeling a lot less confident. “Alright… So what do I do first?”


Spike and Anny blinked when the alicorn disappeared with a pop, returning with a big book a second later. “Here it is!” Twilight said with more than a little triumph in her voice. Love Drop’s, ‘Dummies Guide on Asking That Special Somepony That Special Question’.”


She dropped said book into her coffee table with a loud bang, Spike and Anny flinching as she opened it. “Hmmm,” she murmured, all but sticking her nose in the well-read piece of literature. “Let’s see… First you have to find somepony that you have your eye on…”


Anny nodded. “I got that step done.”


Twilight nodded, flipping the page. “Alright then...step two is getting to know each other so you can see if you’re compatible.”


Anny blinked at that, his shoulders sagging in defeat. “Oh shoot,” he muttered. “How am I going to do that when she lives like half a day's train ride away?”


The three lowered their heads for a moment, Spike and Twilight trying to figure out a way around this.


“Wait!” Spike said. “Couldn’t he just live with somepony at Canterlot for a couple of weeks?”


Anny hummed thoughtfully, stroking his chin. “Well, I could take a week or two off from work...”


“If I told your boss that you were on business for the crown then you could stay up at Canterlot for as long as you needed,” Twilight added, getting a look from the other two.


“Isn’t that kinda abusing your princessy-powers, Twilight?” Spike asked, earning a fierce shake of the head.


“No it’s not, Spike,” Twilight said, the two really not believing her. “Like I said before, this just isn’t for Antaeus; this is for ponies everywhere. Because if someone like him can get someone like the Princess then there’s no reason that we all can’t find our own special somepony!”


“What do you mean someone like me?” Anny demanded, Twilight blushing.


“I-I didn’t mean it like that!”


Sighing, Anny rubbed his temples. “Well, all of this is well and good, misuse of power aside.” He ignored Twilight’s huff. “I really don’t know anyone up at Canterlot well enough to get them to let me stay with them for a couple of weeks.”


“You could just stay at the castle,” Spike offered. “Then you could just walk down a hallway to ‘get to know her’.”


Twilight shook her head. “I don’t think that’ll work, Spike. Anny’s going to want to have the element of surprise on his side, at least for the beginning.”


Spike gave his stepsister an unsure look. “Why are you making this sound like Anny’s fighting a war, Twi?”


“Because love is a war, Spike!” the princess said, getting off the couch and beginning to pace. “Now, who do we know that’ll take a giant monkey-like being into their home on just our word?”


“Hey!—”


Twilight ignored the human, her face scrunched up in sheer concentration until, finally, she had an idea. Admittedly, she’d rather not try it out, but she really couldn’t think of another way. “Weeell,” she said, biting her lip. “I could ask my parents to take you in, but I wouldn’t recommend it.”


Anny cocked his head at her. “How come, Twilight?” He asked. “Would they not want me there or something?”


The alicorn shook her head. “No-no-no, just the opposite,” she said, confusing the human. “My mom’s a little...” she paused, trying to think of the word. “Well, she’s really clingy.”


“She’ll try to treat you like a baby,” Spike clarified.


Anny rolled his eyes. “Your mom can’t be that bad,” he argued, not seeing Spike’s and Twilight’s look. “But I don’t want to force anything on anyone that they don’t want…”


Sighing, Twilight levitated a slip of paper to her person, along with ink and a quill. “I’ll send them a letter, ask them if her and dad will let the three of us stay there for a little while.”


Anny blinked, moved by his friends support. “Hey, thanks guys, doing all of this stuff for me.”


The dragon and pony responded with hugs. “Don’t mention it man,” Spike said, a big smile on his face. “Besides, if we can help you, then you can help me snag my Rarity.”


Twilight gave his side a reassuring nuzzle. “This is what friends are for,” she told him. “Now, just get everything ready with your boss and pack a suitcase. I’ll do the rest.”


Twilight ‘The Egghead’ Sparkle then said something that she would deeply regret for the remainder of this venture.

“This is going to be perfect!”

Author's Note:

Just a silly little think that I just thought up one day :)

I'll try to keep this E but it might come up to teen

Oh, and this is the prologue, kinda, so start expecting 6000-8000 words in later Chapters...Probably.

Prepare your bodies, the cuteness it coming!

Thanks for Procket12 and Permanent Temporary for editing for me

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