• Member Since 15th May, 2018
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mushroompone


This is great. I’m going to get a good grade in horsefic, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,

T

We must have shared a womb.

Sometimes twins eat each other in the womb.


Gold medalist in the 1000 words contest (group / info). Category: grim

Warning: the following fic contains cannibalism. It is technically a spoiler, so proceed through all with caution.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 39 )

"What... the... fuhh...?" I mouth as I finish reading.

This was chilling. The simple words. That is it. Just how simple it is... yeesh.

Edit: Oh sweet Celestia I just realized the implications of... who... you know.

11187787
That is absolutely what I was aiming for, so I'm glad it landed! Thanks for reading!

11187790
You're welcome! Maybe I'll try something like this in the future. It is an incredibly interesting way of writing.

.....y I k E s.

Bloody Nora

Well... that was horrifying. WELL DONE! I think Hannibal Lecter would definitely approve.

So I keep looking at this again and again for some reason, and I've noticed something awfully familiar about the writing...

...You wouldn't happen to have taken cues from "Analogue Horror", have you? Because the more I look at it, the more it feels like it. Even the chapter's name and the freaking cover art look like things you'd see out of Analogue Horror.

I read this during chem class and now questioning my life.

11188053
Wow! I just learned a new subgenre!

Though I've never heard the term before, I do watch a lot of "analogue horror" videos and series (I particularly enjoyed Marble Hornets). I can't say I used those sorts of videos as direct inspiration for this piece, but I'm sure I've watched enough of them to have an osmosis effect on my writing. I tend to pick up all sorts of things from all sorts of places; I recently read a novel by an Irish writer and have since found myself using a very localized Irish grammar in some places. It just happens!

Readers in the past have pointed out that my more experimental styles remind them of all sorts of things—I hear House of Leaves a lot, though Stephen King and Cormac McCarthy have been thrown around as well—but analogue horror is a new one! I'm glad to hear this piece has you rereading, as well. Honestly one of the highest compliments I can receive :)

11188072
Well, you are quite welcome! This video by YouTuber "Markiplier" that gives a good explanation of exactly what the genre is. Very creepy stuff, much like this. How funny that your writing happened to be exactly like a sub-genre you had never even heard of.

Holy fucking shit, Mush. Every single word, every single line break, every little aside, all of them are so meaningful and impactful. And then to take the two Sunsets and compare their existence and fates to vanishing twin syndrome (something that already fascinates me), and the human Sunset's refusal to be the vanishing twin is genius and haunting. You really are just a tremendously skilled writer.

11188099
Oh wish :fluttercry: your comments mean so much to me. You always manage to find all the threads I've dropped and weave them together exactly as I'd hoped. It's so fulfilling.

Thank you so so so much for reading and commenting :heart: I'm glad you liked it!!

This was really good!

Welp, there goes my appetite

Pretty sure there is a joke about who actually is worse off in the end. On the one hand that happened, on the other, Sunset is left working Sunset's service job in the restaurant...
:derpytongue2:

All in all though, I do not think this story is for me. Well written, but fell flat when I read it. A bit too avant-garde and experimental for my tastes I suppose.

The messed up thing is that stuff like this actually does make me hungry. Remember that Futurama episode, "The Problem With Poplars?" My roommate at the time and I went out immediately after and both ordered 20-piece Chicken McNuggets.

This kinda makes me want sushi. But I'll pass on the bacon hair. :pinkiecrazy:

what the fuck did I just read

11192199
The combination of this comment and an add to your "good reads" shelf really paints a beautiful picture :raritywink:

Not too shabby. An interesting concept written with vague but grim details. For 1k words, you summed this up well enough to intrigue and make me wonder about what was going to happen next! Well done! My only nitpick is some of the grammar, but it's not distracting enough to make ne click away. Just have someone proofread your stories and you'll be fine!

11193892
Thanks! 1k words exactly really is a challenge, but that's really why the grammar is a bit screwy. Using run-on sentences, sentence fragments, etc. not only allows me to eliminate a lot of extra words, but also mimics the "runaway train" internal monologue of the narrator. That's also why I submitted this as an experimental entry! It's all a purposeful part of the experience :)

Ahh, fratricide with a side of tabasco.
Nice read! Thank you for writing it!

Woah, that was great.

I'll have to admit that I'm lacking context regarding the characters, so if there's some insane reference to EQG canon details in here somewhere, I've missed it... but it's still good on its own. There's something haunting about this evil twin concept. It seems, based on the fact that the narrator has a car and knows people other than Sunset, that they were born and have lived. But their life has been a shadow, a blurry reflection of Sunset's with no qualities, no humanity, only that embryonic hunger which drives them to finish what Sunset couldn't. Very mythological.

I was a bit reminded of Wildbow's short story Lump of a Thing - you might find it interesting. But this, told from the aggressor's point of view, is really something else. I've never really read anything like it.

Great work. Thanks for writing it.

11235196
Thank you so much!! I'm kind of floored how well this story landed for so many people- it felt like I was publishing a personal fever dream, but I think it ended up resonating with a lot of readers. Score!

In all honesty, I'm not up on my eqg lore either. This story came from a tweet (or something?) that got passed around a while ago from one of the higher-ups at eqg, talking about how the team had always wanted to explore the "other Sunset" and never got a chance to do it. The main character of the eqg franchise is Sunset Shimmer from Equestria, a pony turned human, but there is a human Sunset Shimmer wandering around on earth whose story was just never told. I felt like human Sunset would bear a certain amount of resentment towards pony Sunset for "stealing her life", and maybe even that there was a bit of magical kickback to them trying to share a world. Following that idea to its logical conclusion... I got this haha

And thank you for the recommendation!! I always love hearing that my work set off those sorts of bells in someone else's head - I'll have to check it out!

This story is fucking wild.

The stream-of-consciousness writing really works here. You leap from one scenario to the next with no rhyme or reason, but it gives this story a nice sense of sensory overload. Everything keeps happening, and thus, it gives this fratricide a sense of urgency. It really makes “let me eat my sister” something you actually really care about.

Quite a good story, and it invites some thought about what the story is trying to say.

This was really good! While much has been said about the writing style -- it flows surprisingly well, and it's a very clever way to skip around the 1k word limit, so kudos to that -- I really dig the little narrative touches within the odd narrative style. In particular I'm thinking of this bit:

It is not slippery. It is mealy. It is soft and juicy and mild like a pear but there is salt where a pear is sweet.

This is just a very musical line, very fucking good, honestly. Stuff like this is peppered through the story, and while indeed the formatting of the prose is worthy of attention, the prose itself is also commendable. Just wanted to call attention to that.

(Incidentally, Sunset working at a sushi bar really means the stars alligned for you here, too -- it really is wonderful for a story with this subject matter that her part time job involves serving raw fish.)

Anyway! I really dig the high concept, too, and just how visceral but immediately understandable it is. This is a very clever story. I particularly like how the characterization of Human Sunset comes across through the writing style, rather than what she says or what she thinks -- it really, really works.

I'll be genuinely surprised, and disappointed, if this story doesn't win one of the major prizes in the contest. Wonderful work here!

Only ever hunger. No fussing in the womb. No laughing. Only hunger.

At the risk of missing the point of the story, that's what the umbilical cord is for.

Ah. The narrator is insane. That definitely helps support off-kilter metaphors. Fascinating and horrifying approach to human Sunset. Best of luck in the judging.

Oh, this is dope. Huge fan of experimental, evocative, emotional (e words are fun) stuff like this, especially from someone who knows what they’re doing with short sentences and can keep a lyrical flow going through all of them.

Babes you did fantastic on this!!! 👁👁

I’m not a writer so I don’t exactly know what to comment on, but I echo all the sentiments from before! Personally, I always have a hard time immersing myself into upper level prose and extreme line breaks, as it tends to be used by new writers (and not well ahahah). But this really blew me out of the park, and I never found myself un-immersed in it!! The story and *atmosphere* swiftly sets you in its world,,, and it’s just. So good b. So good

11264022
I don't think I've ever received a comment better than "babes you did fantastic" like fr that's exactly the vibe I'm looking for. I think about this everyday. I'm gonna print it out and tape it to my wall

11278859
It is fantastic!!!!!! >:) I’m glad you love the comment b. Keep writing

It must hurt.

Did we hurt together?

Did we reach out for one another in the roaring silence before ears and eyes and words?

I want to believe that we did.

coming back on the reread, the use of "must" here and the question marks really does a lot and i love it. having to read between the lines of an unreliable narrator is always so impressive when pulled off well like this

Did we reach out for one another in the roaring silence before ears and eyes and words?

hauntingly beautiful, i wish i could write stuff like this

She likes it when she's the last one left. She likes closing up. She likes the cavernous hallways of stark white tile—no warmth like the womb, no rushing blood—and the twist of the key in the lock.

Twist of a knife.

I watch from the driver's seat. Hands twist the steering wheel.

ah, "twist" repeated three times in quick succession, each with a different context, this is poetry

I put a cloth mask on my face

(it hugs my face it is close like the womb)

ah, so much serendipity! Sunset working in a sushi restaurant, and recent real-world events making wearing a mask like this to a restaurant something normal and even expected.

It is not slippery. It is mealy. It is soft and juicy and mild like a pear but there is salt where a pear is sweet.

and yeah this line has been remarked on by everyone but it deserves it! an evocative simile that is genuinely uniquely clever

and tell her about how she ate my life up in one bite

ooh, so much left unsaid here! i read this as pony Sunset having "taken care" of her human counterpart as the first thing she did in Pedestria, before learning things like "empathy", and can imagine just so many ways for this to have gone down. love it

She is beautiful. With tan skin and shiny hair in loose curls and a softness in her cheeks that I wanted to hold

I watch her put the pieces together inside her mind. I can see it in her eyes, the way they flick nervously to and fro, across my face, my ratty hair, my pale cheeks and thin lips.

I think she sees it.

She sees that she has eaten me.

Because she doesn't cry. She should have cried. But there were no tears

(not yet)

only realization.

and oof, i am in love with your descriptions as always. such a fantastic mental image of the confrontation, and the contrast between the two Sunsets. (and i choose to read into this all the raw material for why Sunset Squared works, dipping into it just enough to heighten the extremeness of the twin's mental state)

"We should talk about this, we can fix this."

I only stare at her.

"I didn't know."

I blink.

"Not for sure."

love that this story is also a tragedy in the classical sense of the word, with Sunset seeing its events as a natural consequence of something she never followed up on. and agh, so fitting in a meta way for me, with how the canon ended up being deprived and shriveled up to nothing before getting to address Sunset's human counterpart

Her eyes change.

She understands.

She is not cold like the fish.

But she is soft and mealy and mild.

and augh, such a chilling way to end it! just the perfect blend of ominous and ambiguous and tying together throughlines. masterful work, Mush!

Hello! Have a review. Please excuse the language, but: bloody hell. This was absolutely, utterly chilling. I've read quite a few "two Sunsets" fics over the years, but not many really land, though a few have stuck in my mind. (I like The Cloptimist's Red/Yellow, for example.) But this? This just blew me away. I'd picked up how much of an impact it had made, and I'm now boringly going to agree with everyone. The deceptively simple prose, those little bits in brackets, just everything. Congratulations on the Gold Medal, but more: this is one of the great horror ponyfics, and I'm glad it's been recognised as such.

Well. That’s certainly quite the interesting take on human Sunset. I feel like canon Sunset would probably be able to wrangle a way out of this in time, but an effectively creepy microhorror with very good narration.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

oh my god this is amazing

it's high time I followed you

No idea how long ago I read it, but the fact that I refused to give it the deserved like and comment shows just how much you made me hate this fic, and in a good sense. I guess I am always too fearful of being defenseless against something happening to you.

Well written, perfect premise, something that truly scared me.

Well, I guess it's my turn to be That Guy who just doesn't line up with the fic everyone is raving over :ajsleepy: Which always sucks, because there's clearly something here behind all the praise. I can see clever turns of phrase throughout, and the writing style is rather bare and striking. It just ... delivers me so many questions I can't focus on the experience.

I gather from comments that this is supposed to be from the POV of the human equivalent of Sunset Shimmer? Sunset Shimmer, the pony who was born and grew up in Equestria? Who went through the portal after becoming Celestia's student and got trapped in the human world? So how did the pony and the human share a womb?

I could write that off as a quirk of unreliable narration, except ... the story seems to rule that out. "Her eyes change. / She understands." That and her passivity imply a certain realization toward the story's framing, rather than just being the victim of an insane person. But it can't pull me into that framing to sell the ending because I just can't make it logically work.

I also got stuck on the side fact 11260952 pointed out: fetuses in the womb aren't eating. I dimly recall it being a thing that what starts out as twins can end up as a single child, with one fetus absorbing the other; but that happens early in the process when they're just clumps of cells, and more importantly, if something like that had happened, how did the second twin get born and survive to become the narrator?

... I'm clearly overthinking this. The narrator is just crazy. But the narrator being crazy doesn't make for a satisfying story. So many of the thousand words here are invested in a metaphor serving no purposes (in a narrator-is-insane tale) other than explaining what drove them; and, well, I guess I can appreciate that, but dimly? ("For the love of God, Montresor!" The horror there is similarly irrelevant to whether the narrator has been justly wronged or not.) But the questions I want the story to answer in that case are never even acknowledged (nor, as Amontillado did, at least lampshaded) -- how did narrator Sunset come to this conclusion? Where was she the entire time horse Sunset was building a stolen life? Why escalate from zero to cannibalism?

Congratulations on the praise and awards for this one; I hope I'm not detracting from them, nor do I mean to imply they weren't earned. I just seem to have come at this story from the perfect angle to have an ugly collision with it -- I'm used to that from the other side as well; see comments for Watch! Watch! -- and when that happens you kind of have to sort through your reaction to clear it all out of your brain.

11683118
It sounds like maybe you weren't the audience for this fic. That's okay! The nature of this piece requires that the reader do a lot of work to fill in the blanks. Not everyone enjoys that sort of experience. I do, which is why I wrote it that way!

Since you were honest with me, though, I will be honest with you: yes, this is a disheartening comment to receive. How could it not be? I can understand, of course, wanting to talk about art with people - I think engaging with art is a wonderful, enriching, healthy thing to do, especially if you can engage directly with the artist. But you aren't engaging with me in an effort to understand this story. You left an unsolicited bad review that I don't feel motivated to engage with, since you've clearly made up your mind about how you feel towards this piece.

In the future, if you have a reaction to art and want to "clear it out of your brain", consider the way that you approach the artist: are you inviting a conversation, or putting the artist on the defensive? If you find that it's the latter, as it was here, maybe find a private place to clear your mind. Conversations with friends about art can be just as good!

11683834
Thank you for, in return, being honest, and for being gracious despite the initial negativity.

I think we're agreed that I didn't land in the target audience, and that sometimes that mismatch happens and it's no fault of author or reader when it does. (What happens afterward -- me leaving the comment -- is another story. I hear you saying I went over the line. For that, I'm sorry.)

I do want to say: I don't believe the disconnect is in me not wanting to do the work to fill in the blanks. I did do the work to fill in the blanks; I spent ten minutes showing that work in the comment I left. But I'm clearly missing something crucial, or clearly adding some extra information which is incompatible with your story, because I didn't make it through the maze to the experience you wanted everyone to have. I'm not in the business of making authors feel bad -- hence the apology -- and I clearly didn't do a good job of it, but leaving my notes of where I got lost is the only contribution I *can* make which could have led to a productive conversation. In my own way, this is trying to understand the story: my choice is to say "I don't get it" and have explained to me all the basic things I already parsed, wasting everyone's time; to leave the comment I did explaining how I didn't get it and cause hurt; or to walk away.

Sometimes it's easy to forget context on the Internet, especially when Fimfiction as a whole feels like home so much. On second thought I don't think we've actually interacted before -- which does, as you point out, make this a pretty awful first foot forward. And while I think we're both trying to engage in good faith here, and we might be able to turn this conversation into something productive, I suspect it's better that I apologize and drop it, and go read some other stories of yours for a fresh start. If I dislike any of those, I promise I'll keep it to myself.

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