• Member Since 21st Jun, 2018
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

VioletNightWriter


T
Source

Sunset lives with Starlight, the vampire who turned her. One day she and her friends, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity hear that a new student is transferring to CHS. They are all excited to welcome a new wondercolt to their school. Sunset and Pinkie Pie are the ones who decide to greet the new student. Upon meeting the student, whose name is Twilight Sparkle, Sunset realizes she has developed a crush on her. But being a vampire means that she could pose a danger to Twilight. She struggles to keep her vampiric nature a secret. But when an old enemy from Starlight's past comes into town, she realizes they are in danger. She and Starlight must keep their much stronger, much older enemy out of town. If they don't they could risk revealing their secret to all of Canterlot, if not all of Equestria.

Chapters (34)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 60 )

Tbh, I think the first two paragraphs should each be their own chapters. Chapter one, a prologue, showing her getting sick, Starlight turning her (and having to weigh the effects of her decision), Sunset adapting to her new life. Chapter two, she has adapted, it's a daily hunt thing, showing us her daily routine. As it is, they're very tell and not show.

I'm also not really a fan of all the dialogue being in italics, and new speaker = new paragraph. Always.

Thanks for the review. I am still new at this and your opinion really helps. I am sorry for the errors and italics. I will re-edit the story and maybe if you don't mind take your suggestions and use them. Other then that, I do hope that you enjoyed the story.

the dialog is very very flat

I like this story a lot, I think you should continue to write this Fiction.

9016836
Thanks. I am glad that you like it. I will continue to write. Your feedback was greatly appreciated.

Did you make that cover art?

9031352
No, WubCake did. But it was the inspiration for my story so I used it.

This is seriously good I give it five stars plz continue this itโ€™s so awesome and cute !:rainbowdetermined2:

Iโ€™m loving the story so far๐Ÿ’–

Ok, I like this story. Its well done and a fun read. My only complaint about this story is that the Author wants to make absolutely certain that the reader knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that Twilight in in this story. The word Twilight shows up in this story 343 times. Chapter two alone has it repeated 45 times.

Don't get me wrong, I like the story, but you can use Her, She, The Girl, There are plenty of options.

Sunset pulled Twilight closer to her body. As she smelled Twilight's scent she felt her canines wanting to shift into her fangs. She willed them to not change.

As she heard Twilight's heart race, she felt an overwhelming desire to kiss Twilight. She turned Twilight towards her. She gently caressed Twilight's cheek. Then she slowly leaned in, closing her eyes as she got closer to Twilight. She leaned in till her lips were caressing Twilight's bottom lip. She pulled away, opening her eyes to see how Twilight felt.

Thumbs up

The Monk

this chapter was good very well detailed as well i liked the dialog

you no Filthy Rich is a dick

Your writing is very stiff. I'd love to see this story rewritten into a more readable format, as is I'm sure its fine for beginners. but it has real problems with tell instead of show. x did this, x was y. its a very dry read even if the premise is interesting.

9269488
Thanks. I am still new to writing. I will do my best to improve.

9269488

We all start somewhere.

First story, after all.

Like painting or playing music, it takes practice to be a writer. When we get good at it after years of practice, we all cringe a little when looking back at our early work. Especially those like us.

There is no one in the world harder, crueler or more critical, than an introvert looking at themselves.

If you look up " Non-functional Extreme Introvert" in the dictionary, there is a picture of us in the definition.

The Monk

โ€œTo say that Twilight Sparkle went bugfuck would be like saying the Incredible Hulk had some mild anger management issues.โ€ -DustTraveller

Kill him!!!!
Kill him!!!!
Kill him!!!!
Kill him!!!!
Kill him!!!!

Now is this a normal dagger or the dagger you mention before that reverses the effects of vamperism? (With the mention of Sunset's weak immune system when she was human or are we scraping that?)

9363184
No, I am not scraping that idea. It's the dagger that reverses vampirism.

9363200
Well [b\continuity/b] and hope to keep reading this. The story is still a bit stiff but, I'm sure it's not problem. Anyways keep up the good work. ๐Ÿ‘

9363202
Thanks for the support! ๐Ÿ˜ I am glad you like it!

"Here are the keys, Principle Luna. Starlight and my friends are going home now. Thanks for letting us the office." said Rainbow Dash.

Lending.
There's more I'm sure but, I'm lazy and just want to read. :twilightblush:

9380307
Thanks! I will make sure to catch the other mistakes as well.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!!!

My hand is bleeding, dried tears are on my face, do the math.
:flutterrage:

planning to do a sequel? and nice work on all the chapters:twilightsmile:

9433704
I might if a good majority of people want it.

9433744

SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL

9433762
Okay. I am so happy to see that you want a sequel! :twilightsmile:

Add another to your list requesting a sequel.

Sorry I just feel like playing this :twilightsheepish:...

DO YOU WANT A SEQUEL? THAN GO HERE TO ANSWER YES OR NO - https://www.strawpoll.me/17346881

Thank You For letting me edit the story I had a blast reading over it. I'm glad I was able to help even if it was only a little

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!