• Member Since 28th Sep, 2011
  • offline last seen 49 minutes ago

shortskirtsandexplosions


space is a waste

T

Capper is invited to Ponyville to celebrate Hearth's Warming. It's a delightful holiday party for sure, but the suave Abyssinian gentlefeline can't help but think of one thing: Where's that fabulous fashionista with the purple mane?

Written for Nailah via Petrichord's 2017 Jinglemas gift-fic exchange event.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 34 )

Why isn't Sweetie Belle at Rarity's party?

This story is like if you put a romantic comedy on a roller coaster, and also the roller coaster broke apart halfway through and the cart went flying over a cliff and smashed through the roof of an explosion factory that was already in the process of burning down and about to be used as a test site for the latest bombs.

And I loved every damn second of it, you beautiful bastard. Thumbs up.

Rarity's family, their coworkers, their friends, and their coworkers' friends all suuuuucccckkkk!!!!!!! :ajbemused:

Also, Capper is such a cat. :rainbowlaugh: Great story, loved it from beginning to end. :twilightsmile:

I don't see a tag for Opal. I'll still read, but I am prepared to be disappointed.

This story was one long series of cat-astrophes. For all the right reasons.

"Gurl, the Storm King burned down every the dead mouse-and-bird boutique in Abyssinia! I thought you liked handmade gifts!"

Y'know, I really miss the Princess who used to banish ponies to the moon.

She did that once. To her own sister. Because she'd gone completely insane and even then, she didn't WANT to do that, dumbass.

I was having a great time reading the story, but that ending fucking nailed it.

8636616
Well they are clear parodies of Fundamentalist Right Wingers, all Fundamentalists are dumbasses regardless of stripe.

"Naaaah..." A gum-chewing blonde thing shook her head, splayed out besides a phalanx of half-empty nutmeg chalices. "You're thinking of the lame little pegasus they've got rolling around the streets of this boring town on that stupid lil' tricycle of hers. My parents almost run her over in the stagecoach every year when we visit. One of these days, I really hope they don't miss."

JESUS FUCK!

Y'know, I really miss the Princess who used to banish ponies to the moon.

You fuck one goat and nothing else you do matters anymore.

I loved that ending.

This makes me think of a doujin that a friend told me about in high school, I will have to read this.

Capper marched through the cornucopia of bright-eyed-and-blinking equines, banging on his makeshift drum the entire time and littering snowflakes everywhere."F'naaaa-la-la-la-laaaaaaaaaa!"

See people, this is what happens when you let SSnE shitpost. Stuff like this happens

The young stallion adjusted his spectacles in violent indignation. "Isn't it obvious?! Phantom Torso is nothing but a Social Justice Whinnier's wet dream! It's ruining the Daring Do franchise with unnecessary feminist pretense!"

... but you live in a world where mares do basically everything already :rainbowhuh:

HAHAHA that ending :rainbowlaugh:

8637230
I don't know what you're talking about, this is A+ work here.
It pleases me in only vaguely inappropriate ways.:heart:

8636356

Her presence was not required, and Rarity was generous enough not to inflict them on her.

A cat is fine too.

Oh man, that was something! My only disappointment is that I was really hoping Capper would meet Opal at some point.

I thought the gift was going to be a condom.


What?

Don't know what else I was expecting...
Meh, this wasn't terrible. Wouldn't read it again, but I don't really regret reading it.

I did not see that ending coming. :rainbowlaugh: That was amazing. Well played.

:moustache: Opel's what?
:pinkiegasp: Preggers! Really I saw the test results at the vets! Now who do we know that was interested in her? Angel Bunny!?
:rainbowlaugh: Her cat's knocked up?
:flutterrage: Don't blame Angel Bunny!
:raritycry: No only that he left a mess in the main show room!
:facehoof: Squatters rights?
:duck: Spikey? burn it with fire!
:moustache: All of it?
:raritywink: Yes please, All of it
:moustache: Wouldn't Sweetie Belles cooking do the same thing? :raritystarry:
:trollestia: I can do a fine solar flare if you wish. . .:twilightoops:

"F'naaaa-la-la-la-laaaaaaaaaa! "

Are we all just going to ignore the beauty of this line?

Comment posted by Spiral_Donut deleted January 12th

This was funny, and the end was... unexpected, to say the least, but it was a fun kind of unexpected :pinkiehappy:. And the, ahem, explicit parts were unexpected as well, although it was also kinda funny. :twilightblush:

Kinda saw the ending coming, but I thought it would be a mouse.

Also, it's depressing how much Rarity's guests remind me of my own family. :pinkiesick:

The end was certainly a twist.

I don't think Capper is the lewd type, but it's not impossible to see, I guess. And I could believe the way Rarity's parents are portrayed, too; I hate to say that, but they've appeared a total of three times in the show over seven seasons. I don't think they're willfully neglectful, but they do seem to be kind of absent. We haven't seen anyone's parents a whole lot, but...well, Sweetie's not grown yet, and it's implied they live in Ponyville. You'd think they'd at least make more background appearances.

Also, that bit at the end? I should have seen that coming. I had a cat that would bring in rabbits half her size.

Ew ew ew ew ew!!!" Rarity shook her head, struggling to keep her bile down her throat. "Gross! Gross!! Gross!!!"

"What?!" Capper shrugged, confused and alarmed. "What's wrong?!"

"What's wrong?!?" Rarity huffed and puffed, her face and upper neck flushed red. "It's a dead bird, Capper!" She gnashed her teeth, horn sparkling in unbridled fury. "A pathetic, poor, mottled-up, most-certifiably dead bird!"

"Hey!" Capper folded his forelimbs, frowning. "Not just any dead bird! I'll have you know that suckah put up a real fight!"

Daaaw! How thoughtful of him! After all, he can't let his first friend starve to death. She's not a very good hunter like him, you know.

(That's legitimately how cats think, and why they bring their owners dead animals. They think you suck at hunting and they don't want you to to starve.)

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

I never want to hear the word "grape nuts" again so long as I live.

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