A Thief with a heart of a substance better left unsaid wakes up in Equestria after a unlucky turn of events. How will a jaded, world weary human get along with cheery, naive Ponies?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm not gonna lie; this chapter in particular has been very enjoyable for me. Our dearest Max has come very far as a human, since coming to Equestria, and I honestly find his progress, while hard to read sometimes, a very engaging activity. While there are a few things I've either noticed being underutilized (Whatever happened to his literal aura of dark magic imposing on ponies?), or don't make particular sense (Why didn't he notice the time gap in his memories, from when Celestia deleted Rarity accidentally date raping him from it.). However, the obviously important things to him (good on you for being able to make the author have a fairly clear personality) more than make up for what little I can recall being wrong with the story (I particularly enjoy the recent and intriguing decision to have Lupa be preparing for some unknown journey someplace he refuses to explain for the moment; I'll look forward to when she finally goes on that trip, so he can finally write where she's going/gone!).
Overall, I'm enjoying myself too much to even consider stopping anytime soon, and I look forward to the next chapter.
Good writing (like in "happy hunting")!
8109843 I've actually been jotting down some ideas about the dark magic aura that will be fleshed out in coming chapters. I don't think it's much of a spoiler, but Max has to actively use it for it to have an effect. His 'black' glares don't work because he looks scary,.
The time gaps were definitely a plot hole, but I make myself feel better about it by saying that Celestia just implanted false memories.
Thank you. I tried to give Max characteristics that wouldn't make him a Gary Stu because I find those stories boring. If you meet a character at a point where they're no longer dynamic, then the story tends to be a bit predictable, and I don't want anyone to know when I'm going to clock 'em with some dope shit. I wanted to give him the cheeky, witty, asshole vibe, but still make it so that he wasn't a fucking prick all the time. After all, if Max wasn't redeemable, then the title of the story would be rather inept and I'm sure I'd have a different audience. I like my audience.
8109951 Ah, I suppose that makes enough sense, even if it's certainly not the answer I expected. However, I was referring to when Celestia mentioned that his taint subconsciously influences the initial opinions of ponies who first meet him, and those who don't know him. I might've misunderstood or misread what was written, and that's what's causing my mild concern on it's near neglect, but I suppose that'll be answered in time.
I can imagine her ducking around more with his head than simple deletion would help seal those minor holes, and certainly add reason why he's taking so long to get back with her, considering the true depths of that mind rape.
I can certainly agree with you on the subject of dynamic characters, and am pleased to inform you that your doing a rather good job. While I disagree on the point that he'sbeing carefully balanced on the likeability fence of dickish, seeing as I love his character too damn much... I'm not certain that I like what that says about me, as a person, seeing as I often find myself agreeing with his decisions, and too easily seeing myself in his occasional shoes...
aside from the last chunk of the chapter being in Italics, you need to fix that, unless it was intentional, very good. For the thing with Max's thoughts in italics that would be nice. It would make it easier to differentiate when he is talking and thinking.
8110001 I would love to go in depth about the dark magic, but spoilers. I promise that things will be explained, however.
Honestly, I consider the offenses equally inhuman.
I tried to make Max seem like someone you might meet on the street as a testament to the randomness of life. I never said his balance was a fifty-fifty split, in my defense
A little mix-up with the italicize, but other than that, it's good.
8110038 Thanks for pointing it out. Got it fixed
That's what I was hoping to accomplish, so freakin' A
8110167 Fair enough.
It's a good story, and I enjoy reading it a lot, but to put my two cents in... The "Roxy" thing is fucking stupid.
That's my only complaint!
8110230 I can deal with that.
In before Celestia has to wipe his mind from dieing of a massive seizure brought on from alcohol withdrawal
ha ha ha!!
eh im bored of this story i got this far into and the whole gender swap thing took about half of the story away from me so.... ill leave it in my bookshelf for now and try to read more
i hope you realize that the sjw cucks and kkk cucks are both left wing.
The only problem with the way the story is going right now is just how boring parts of this can be, these chapters are massive and very little actually goes on in them. We get almost the same thing every chapter, 'max wakes up, Max goes to town to do blank and ends up being blank'. It wouldn't be bad to be a little repetitive but the sheer size of these chapters are making it more of a slog to get to the few moments where something different or interesting happens.
the lack of a central plot point, so far at this point the story would be around 400k words at this chapter but there isn't really anything that connects everything. By the 300k mark alot of stories could have a well crafted beginning, middle and end, but it feels like the story is still beginning, like we haven't gotten anywhere besides character development. Even with that not alot of the charcters have changed drastically. Seriously, the only problem the story really has that isn't just nitpicks is that if you don't try and read this straight up like a normal story it's fine, but if you try and read through it at once it doesn't progress much between chapters.
Max and lupa are two of the reasons I'm still reading this to be honest. Max is funny as hell, even though the multiple partners and sex changeing is a little to frequent, he's an interesting charcter. Although we don't see alot of lupa in the story, sometimes it feels like she's not even part of it, whenever her and Max actually had time to talk or interact was all ways funny, adorable or straight up awesome to read. Lupa/or neshoba has been the only friend that hasn't hurt or abused Max's trust in some way, and it feels like she is forgotten. I just got through reading lupas little side story and I hope that this is a sign that she will come back and stay in the story from now on. Her and Maxes back and forth were great
9429762
you seem to be forgetting a rather crucial part of the story that is in the tags- 'slice of life'
It's not really supposed to have a general theme outside of everyday life and the occasional long arc of plot
Sounds like trademark selfishness to me.
She wants him to be willing to make sacrifices for her but exclusively refuses to make ANY sacrifice for him whether it be personality wise or materialistic.
Sh eis so self-absorbed that she wants everything her way with no compromise.
A relationship is give and take.
She only wants to take.
She wants her cake and she wants to eat it, and she wants her friend's cake as well. Simultaneously she would also like no one else to look at her cake.
9961079
Rarity's a fuckin' cunt. I like the RoyalRoad edition of their relationship better. As in non-fucking-existent.
Amen.
So.
A lot of people seem to be partaking in romance recently. Quite peculiar. I imagine Scootaloo has the big gay for one of the cutie mark crusaders, mark my words.
I really liked most of the interactions, as usual. I feel like the rape was sudden and unlead to, therefore did not hit me as a reader as hard. The way Luna dealt with her was only satisfying because of all the other bullshit. And I'll admit, it was pretty damn badass. Tho the way it keeps getting brought up throughout the chapter feels a bit... mehish. Understandable. But I'll explain why mehish in a bit.
The Rarity getting together bit felt almost rushed by how quickly it swung back, starting to feel like consequences don't matter, tho I'm hoping they will real soon. Which is why I liked Max still pushing back Celestia, tho, it should be really the most fucking obvious thing to do even when you are in love.
Here's what I found. A lot of the story as of now seems to be focused on Max and Max alone, telling his tale from many angles, which is absolutely fine, but it's glaring when his backstory alone is explored in so much detail and not, say, Rainbow Dash's or Applejacks, etc. Tho Fleur was pretty good, I'd love to see more of her backstory in just as much detail as Max's. This is very obvious when Max is sharing his story with the real Maxwell, but then he skims over and generalizes in a few words what the other girls told him about themselves and even then nothing major. For example, could have had Twilight talk about her time in Celestia's School and ways she dun goofed. But what is written, is written, until edited. All in all, good chapter, but not the most solid. Felt like a break and cleared a few things up. I'll give this a 7/10 story wise.
And that is what I think in the middle of the night.
Iḿ laughing my ass off rn!
The KKK is a left-wing organization. Hillary Clinton's self-proclaimed mentor was the grand wizard of the order. And so are the SJWs. The only cities with riots and crime spikes are Democrat run.
8895712
I know, right? That bugged the hell out of me.
This was by far one of the best stories on this site, before the Roxy bit. Ever since that started, I've had to force myself to come back to this story. The writing is exquisite and Max is a fantastic character, but the Roxy parts make no sense. It's so far out there that it hurts the story more than it helps. I lost a lot of sleep bingeing the first chapters up until that point, but I think I'm putting this story on the back burner for now.
10920055
Killary might be left wing, but the KKK isn't a left-wing/liberal organization. Beyond the 'Bi-Partisan', Two-Party sham, The Democratic Party/Democratic-Republic Party of the 1800's isn't really similar to the admittedly fractured modern Democratic Party. They're not socialist, nor do they, to my knowledge, stand for the rights of minorities or the LGBT community. Pretty sure the Klan isn't full of government-loving commies and open-border/immigration enthusiasts.
The Klan's core beliefs are centered around Anglo-Saxon traditionalism. I.e, if anything, they're an extremist/radical conservative group. Their roots in the Democratic Party of the 19th century don't have much to do with their stance in the current political climate