• Member Since 26th Sep, 2011
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago


Forget not that I am a derp.


Their eyes met across a crowded park. Okay, they didn't, but still. She was everything Scootaloo wasn't: She flew, constantly. Her cutie mark stood proud on her flanks. She dictated the actions of the Bearers of the Elements.

She had to be stopped.

Foes will act as one. Plots will be hatched. Colts will be embarrassed. All to put an end to the foulest, most sinister force Ponyville has ever seen:


Rated teen for unintentionally suggestive dialogue and allusions to violence, just to be on the safe side.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 47 )

That makes it about five hours between Skywriter's post and this story?
Respectable, I say! :moustache:

> Remember: The roans in Spone will only loan
… cologne.

Seriously, Sponish colts are second only to Istallions in devotion to personal appearance.

I knew such a fic would happen as soon as I saw her. She is indeed the anti-Scoot. All praise her!

Silver Spoon should be upset as well, since Zipporwhill wears glasses a lot better than she does.

And as a player of Magic: the Gathering, you should recognize Scootaloo as a Whippoorwill: the card that's famous for showing a bird in flight, but the creature doesn't have flying.

... I saw the fic's name, and the first thing that came to mind was Scootaloaf.

Now I wanna see a fic where she bakes bread, or is baked into bread. I dunno. I'm hungry, don't judge me! *runs away crying*

This is beautiful and perfect and I love you.

(how the hell did you do this so fast, though, goddamn)

She also has a better tiara then Diamond Tiara

Holy cheesecake, this is loveably epic :heart: Everyone's in character and the problem was resolved without anyone getting hurt. Well, save for that one burn :scootangel:

The current cover art is a stopgap until something better comes along.

That's a shame, because I think it's utterly perfect.

Shame the feature-box is full up, otherwise this would so be deserving.

3971330 3971740
Truth be told, I was considering the idea a few hours after the episode. I already had the scene at Diamond Tiara's house written out before I saw the blog. That catalyzed the process.

:raritystarry: Yes. Perfect. Thank you.

No! Feed not the beast with your worship, lest she consume us all! :pinkiecrazy:

Ah, but Spoon doesn't have glasses on her flank. It's not her identity that Zipporwhill attacks simply by existing.
And yes, I was tickled to note that the constantly flying pegasus was named after the inexplicably flightless bird. I admit, even I'm not sure which one kept Tiara's ego from regenerating. :raritywink:



"Welcome to Cooking with the Crusaders! I'm your host, Scootaloo, and NO SWEETIE DON'T POUR THAT—"

We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.

Heh. If you say so. :twilightsheepish: Believe me, between my art skills and the software I have to work with, figuring out how to make hollow circles was actually an achievement.
As for the feature box, it would've been nice, but when you put out a story the same day as a RainbowBob clopfic, it's probably not going to happen. (Though he did favorite this. :rainbowkiss:)

Ollie Outie is the best name for a Dirk expy, or maybe that's just the fact no other names for a dirk expy have been given. I believe this shall get a Twist :twistnerd:

I LOVE the coverart! :pinkiecrazy:
Reading now. :twilightsmile:

Can't believe it took me this long to get to this one. Something about that description and adorable cover told me though that I would need to find time to brace myself for potential rib bursting humor.

I was not disappoint. Three times over, and all I can say is Louie? Jolene? Plutoplex Sweatshop Playset?

Damn, I want to gush about this story and all the awesome parts. But one thing I have to give you props for is that ending, I might be mistaking but god that felt like a reference Diamond spoke.

Brilliant ending. It deserves thousands more views. If this doesn't get a feature on EQD than they should learn to upgrade their humor levels above The Caterpillar and Curious George Visits the Zoo. Just saying.

Anyways, Twilight Library stamp, and whatever else similar high standard groups that want recognition to be known as a high standards group, stamps here!

P.S. Poor Featherweight... you actually earned a hug there little guy.

OUTSTANDING! THis is the best Diamond Tiara I've seen in ages! Feel proud, fair writer, thou hath somersault kicked the moon as the children say! This is a genuinely awesome atmosphere you've created, and your DT/Scoots back and forths, oh they were to die for, darling. Thanks for the show, homey.

Your Antagonist

When they were planning, I'm thinkin' 'Shit's about to go down' but after reading the rest, I'm like 'Damn!'

HAHA! Wonderful! I love the semi Scootiara!! :pinkiehappy:

"Hmm. I'll have to ask Twilight and see if we can take the Elements out of the Tree of Harmony for a quick Rainbow Beam of Fix Everything™, just to be safe."

The fact that you managed to pull off putting in the trademark symbol is quite impressive. This was very well-written, a good comedy indeed.

On behalf of The Royal Guard, I would like to offer you a brohoof.

Scootaloaf would do anything for a cutie mark (but she won't do that).

Ah just wanted t' see how th' durn thing turns when th' handle ain't attached t' th' wheels.

We all want to know that Apple Bloom. :applejackunsure:

Oooh, this was very fun! Loved the characterization, the resolution was excellent and fitted the tone of the show, and laughed at Pinkie butting in and DT's Junior Plutocrat Dream Sweatshop playset. :pinkiehappy:

Pinkie sighed. "Well, if you're sure. I mean, I could just try using Boneless. He's gotten this funny rainbow-only-not-quite-a-rainbow effect ever since Cheese Sandwich gave him to me. That's bound to have some kind of future plot relevance."

This, is the only reason I don't like season 4(Not that I don't like season Four). The whole Rainbow thingy is weird, it's EVERYWHERE!
As if Hasbro could have been a little bit more inconspicuous about it...:ajbemused:
Season 4 Future plot relevance aside, this story is Great! Hope to have more like it in future :D

(\ Thank you, good sir, both for the complements and the aid in making this Guard-worthy.
As for the ™, say what you will about Macs, they make it easy to use weird characters. You should see me discuss the Æther in my Magic: the Gathering crossovers.

Well, she did go as a horswolf for Nightmare Night... :trixieshiftright:

I think you misunderstand. It wasn't impressive that you have that character; it was impressive that it come across as overdone or terribly gimmicky.


I have a theory. You know how skateboards turn? Yeah, like that. Besides, if even somehow the handle is attached to the wheels, it would be hard to turn and keep control considering her anatomy. So, it's only logical that it would be easiest that she turn by leaning.

Yay, logic is fun. Can't do without it! :twilightsmile:

Seen you commenting on most everything and decided to check out your stories. :) This was good for a smile.

Congrats on getting featured in the Royal Guard :yay: Great story :)

Fun story, but...


For one, this would imply either that Scootaloo is adopted (I haven't read any of your other fics with him, so he might be fanonically married) or that Ollie is a closet case. For another, this would also imply that Scootaloo spends much of her time at home being terrorized by/with phallic puppets.

Which, come to think of it, would probably explain why we never see her family life.

Oh. That makes sense. I'm not exactly the best authority on this sort of thing. Forget steering a scooter, I never quite grasped that brakes are attached to a bicycle, and thus crashing into mailboxes is entirely optional.
...I think I now better understand my choice in best pony. :derpytongue2:

I did say Ollie was a by-and-large expy of the Prince of Heart. (Fun fact: his cutie mark is the Hero of Heart symbol. He claims his special talent is irony, symbolized by not being symbolized.) The pony is a bit older, a bit wiser, a micron more mature, much less horribly alone, and yes, rather lower on the Kinsey Scale. Besides, he hasn't met a pony with the sheer, unbridled sexuality of Jake English.
As for the Smuppets, those are strictly kept at his job at Radio KOLT as MC <3 (pronounced Emcee Less-Than-Three,) both a play on his cutie mark and a sign of respect towards Vinyl Scratch.
For the record, my headcanon for Scootamom is Dizzy Twister, a background pony I selected off of the wiki through the justification of "the color scheme is close." I thought having both of her parents be OCs would be gauche.

It pierced through the murmuring crowd and into her brain like the needle of Fate as it weaved her destiny.

"Weaved" generally means "moved in and out", while "wove" refers to the act of making fabric, as detailed here. The context suggests that you mean the latter.

"Ah!" She flinced back.

"Flinced" is a common misspelling for "flinched", which would fit here.

Colts. Even when they were skinny as a rail, they were thicker than a post.

I love this phrasing.

Thank you, my good Sicilian. The issues have been fixed. :scootangel:

A fine read indeed. Now that the differences between Scoots and Zipps have been shown to me, I think there's potential for a lot more to take place between them (though maybe not quite as much as Scratch and Octavia, who are extreme opposites). I think, though, that this story could have benefited from a plot driven more by their actions. Instead, it only develops through dialogue. That's not even remotely a bad thing, but I can't help but feel that some actual events would have given it some more impact.

Ha ha ha crazyness.

Flying made easy.

Hmm. I'll have to ask Twilight and see if we can take the Elements out of the Tree of Harmony for a quick Rainbow Beam of Fix Everything™


Hmm. I'll have to ask Twilight and see if we can take the Elements out of the Tree of Harmony for a quick Rainbow Beam of Fix Everything™


A nice amusing short.
And I see you seem to be a proponent of the theory that Diamond Tiara's talent is managing people(in the ruling them kind of way, not the dealing with insufferable morons kind of way)?

Going by "Ponyville Confidential," I see Tiara's talent as draconian leadership. She gets the job done, but sees browbeating, blackmail, and despotism as essential parts of her duty. See "Dink of Disaster" for more on how Tiara's magic reinforces that ability... and what happens when somepony cuts through the cow leavings.

This is one of those stories that I definitely enjoyed despite some flaws.

There was a lot of LUS at the start; "orange filly", "her fan", "pumpkin-coated stallion". It definitely makes parts of the story harder to follow. The odd thing is that there are sentences and sections where you don't give enough indication as to who is speaking and it is equally confusing. Ex; "Neither paid her any heed," "The pegasus fixed a glare on Tiara that made her realize she was alone with a pony who had every right to hate her, caused disasters wherever she went, and hung out with a mare who routinely broke the sound barrier."

Tiara pursed her forehooves before her.

Usually one only purses their lips. I really could not picture what was going on in this sentence.

Aside from that, the story is entertaining. There's plenty of funny moments, but they're paced very well. At first I was a bit annoyed by all the out-of-character behavior from Scootaloo, but I think it actually works well in the context of the ending. She spends the story being completely out-of-character, and then once she realizes what she's been doing everything goes back to normal. You could've reinforced this with an extra scene showing everyone acting normally, but I suppose the anticlimax might be part of the joke.

Like I said, a few flaws, but definitely entertaining.

Yeah, I've had some issues with LUS in the past. Elementals of Harmony is rife with it. Definitely need to fix that up at some point.

There is one other bit of the body that can be pursed: fingers. Bunch them up with the tips together in the shape of a drawstring pouch. Granted, it doesn't work quite as well with hooves.

Still, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :scootangel:

5387171 I thought that might be the motion you were getting at. I usually hear it referred to as "tenting" or "templing", though. The latter probably makes more sense when referring to the motion as done with hooves.

"Y-yes?" He swallowed, and his wings flared out. Scootaloo expected the following blush. He hadn't meant to show his fear so blatantly, but his literal flight reflexes betrayed him.

I upvoted just for a reference to pegasus body language that avoids being a lazy dick joke. And then you ruined it with the ending. Oh well, at least it wasn't lazy.

Such a sad ending. Scootaloo showed so much potential.

She's young. She may yet overcome her friends' good influence.

Ah, so Zipporwhill is Scootaloo's Cousin Oliver:


Diabolical! :trixieshiftleft:

In all seriousness, this was a hilarious little one-shot (although admittedly my favorite scene was the first one just because of Scoots's raw, spontaneous desire to destroy Zipporwhill, with her first scene with DT coming in a close second). I half expected Zipporwhill to turn out to be an evil genius at the end just like DT said she was (though admittedly I'm glad that didn't happen, though it would have been quite funny all the same). Also, props for good use of Pinkie randomness. :pinkiehappy:

Author Interviewer

the bumpkin's chunky cousin

Bitch, you did not. <.<

What a trip.

This was fun. Thanks for writing.

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