Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXV · 8:15pm Oct 22nd, 2020
You know what’s annoying? Only having released five stories this year, that’s what. I’d love to be able to punch out a short story a month or something. I feel like I’ve been doing poorly lately, despite what the numbers tell me.
Part of it is all the work on bigger stories I’ve been doing. But another, major part of it is the struggle to complete short stories at all. I think I’ve started three this year that ended up not getting released because I wasn’t happy with them and wanted to start over. A pity; one of them would have been perfect for Halloween.
The good news is that I’ve got one on the way. The rough draft is completed and in the digital hands of some pre-readers. It’s not at all suited to the current season, but look for it to release around the end of the month anyway.
One of the things I’m struggling with right now is balancing my various literary duties towards different stories. I want to continue Bulletproof Heart (the sequel of which is now titled A Shot to Remember). It's important to me, and I know people have been waiting for ages and there's still so much to do. I also want to really dig into the Guppy Love originalfication, which would mark my entry into the original fiction field. I really need to start focusing on that for a variety of reasons, not least because it offers the opportunity for a second income stream, no matter how meager. Neither of these are upping my story count, so I want to write more shorts for FIMFiction, because no matter how productive I'm being, I don't feel productive if I'm not releasing something. All of them are important to me, but doing any one will come at the expense of time spent on the others, and that’s driving me insane.
Ugh. The trials of being a writer. Let’s put all that aside for a few minutes and get to the blog proper, shall we? Good news: this week starts the new trend of releasing a 70k+ story’s review every blog. We shall see how long I can keep that up.
Anyway, reviews.
Stories for This Week:
Princesses Over Queensmouth by Ponibius
Grabby by Wise Cracker
Fast Times at Stinky Sugar by PresentPerfect
A Good Sun Day by Waxworks
The Unexpected Sexual Harassment of Twilight Sparkle by cleverpun
Lost Cities by Cold in Gardez
Starlight's Kingdom by Henry101
Queen Scootaloo by officialmjsmith
Jewel of the Everfree by sxcbeast
Cascade! Clouds Above, Obfuscate! by WritingSpirit
Total Word Count: 477,404
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 6
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
Princesses Over Queensmouth
22,724 Words
By Ponibius
Princess Cadance has a chance to finally meet her aunt, Princess Luna. It’s quite the awkward affair. But Celestia trusts her to help Luna adjust to life in a modern age. So much so, in fact, that she’s decided to ask Cadance and Luna to go together to resolve a dispute in the seaside town of Queensmouth between the locals and a sea nymph. This should be fun.
Oh, but I enjoyed this one. It’s a highly entertaining piece in which Princess Cadance and a newly de-exiled Princess Luna work to resolve disputes and stop a, *ahem*, “deep” conspiracy. The story features a Luna who is very in-tune with the show’s depiction of her, and that was my favorite part about this. From her ready teasing regarding Cadance’s love life to her decisive decision-making to her exuberant displays of affection, there wasn’t one bit of this rendition that I didn’t like. That’s not to say Cadance was a slouch, only that Luna tended to steal the show. The story ends up being quite the adventure, and one I’m sure most readers will enjoy.
I have only two issues. The first is the previously mentioned teasing of Cadance’s love life. There’s an early scene where Luna toys with Cadance by flirting with Shining Armor, and Cadance gets offended by this. Now, I get why some girls might react this way, but we’re talking about Cadance, the Princess of Love. I can’t help believing this kind of thing is supposed to be her bread and butter and that she of all ponies should have not only recognized the intention, but found the humor in it. Perhaps that is subjective, so take it as you will, but to me it was an early red flag. Luckily, it was only one small character quirk that quickly got overwhelmed by the rest of the story.
The other issue is actually several small ones. Ponibius had a number of writing quirks that could be smoothed over. I don’t mean the typos, those are expected in any story of any significant length. A few examples of what I do mean:
“Hopefully I can get along with her.” At least that was my hope. I was going to put an honest effort into trying to get along with her (...)
Aunt Tia nodded sadly and nodded.
(...) for it started to (...) try and escape. “Neigh, vile fiend, thou wilt not escape!”
Aunt Luna splashed around the water as she got used to the water.
See all that repetition? That stuff needs to go.
But again,these are all minor issues, petty distractions at best. If you like Cadance and/or Luna and want to see them working together (a curiously rare thing), absolutely read this. It’s a lot of fun.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Grabby
17,286 Words
By Wise Cracker
For some reason, Spike has started stealing again. He’s not even aware of it, it’s just started happening. After some debate and a visit to a doctor, it’s concluded that Spike’s magic-based Dragon Greed can be curbed with a special medication that somewhat alters Spike’s connection to his inner magic. But they’re trying to use pony medication to deal with dragon problems; side effects may be inevitable.
This is a story that comes in two concurrent parts. The first part is a bit of worldbuilding; exploring dragon magic and, in a sense, anatomy. The story doesn’t go into the details of this, holding to the idea that Twilight & co. just don’t know them. It’s really more like the story is providing clues as to the author’s interpretation (although it could very well be the author also admitting they don’t know). I like this aspect, it provides ideas without ever saying “this is fact”, all while letting us learn a few truths. Very realistic and well done, methinks.
The second part is the topic of child medication. This is something I happen to be aware of thanks to having a hyperactive younger brother who was regularly medicated. There’s an argument made within this story about the responsible usage of medicine to rectify a child’s behavior. To Wise Cracker’s credit, the story plays both sides, revealing that there is no perfect answer. Twilight and Spike find something that works for them, but the underlying issue remains. They just have to learn to be responsible about it.
There’s a lot to like about this story. I am reminded of Wise Cracker’s similar fic, Changeling Blood, which also operated on themes of childhood and how we behave around others under unusual circumstances. This came out a year later, though, and shows significant improvements to the author’s style and method of delivering the message. Wise Cracker still demands that readers pay attention to figure things out, but does a far better job at making the theme consistent and revealing the truth.
I also greatly appreciate the depiction of Spike, who is currently stuck in a strange state between a child and an adult. While he seems mature and responsible most of the time, every now and then there are signs indicating that, yeah, he’s still a kid. For most characters that would be hard to pull off, or the wrong way to go about it entirely, but for Spike under this setting it works well. I also like how the author gave Spike some unique ways of interacting with the world, particularly his ability to detect and analyze things by taste and smell, as though he is biologically designed to rely more on these senses than others. It’s a neat concept I’d love to see more of.
At this time the only thing I can think of that might be deemed a negative aspect is that we never get to see Spike try to make amends with the Crusaders. That scene ended on a pretty rough note and I feel it could use some closure. But it’s a minor thing, so I won’t harp on it, and I can understand why Wise Cracker would choose to omit it; there’s not really a good place to add it as things are.
I can say with certainty that this is the best story I’ve read by this author so far. It’s got an important message, interesting consequences, and a vastly improved delivery. It also has the start to what may be a great friendshipping pair that I wouldn’t have expected (but does get ideas spinning in my head). Read this for a more mature story focused on everyone’s favorite dragon.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Necro-Semantics — Pretty Good
Changeling Blood — Worth It
The Trial of Faux Pas — Needs Work
Fast Times at Stinky Sugar
13,220 Words
By PresentPerfect
In this series of shorts, we watch as PresentPerfect mocks Friendship Games through his typical brand of ridiculousness. Told in chronological order as they supposedly occur within the movie, it includes arguments for Best Waifu, an ever-drinking Principal Celestia, high school girls kissing (because that’s what the movie was missing the most, apparently), and Flash Sentry sometimes managing to get two brain cells to knock together.
I was entertained.
I can’t explain it. “Stupid” humor is rarely my thing, but somehow PP always manages to thread the needle just right to keep me amused rather than annoyed. There was no point where I was anything other than chucking at the girls’ antics, be it Celestia’s excuse for making motorcross part of the Friendship Games or Lemon Zest questioning the meaning behind Canterlot High’s abbreviation.
This is silliness for silliness’s sake. If that’s the kind of thing you’re looking for, jump on in. The water’s sweet and stinky. And possibly sticky, too. You have Sunset and both Twilights to thank for that.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Heads in the Cloud — Pretty Good
Persephone — Pretty Good
The Clock Is Ticking — Pretty Good
So Her Legacy Will Endure — Worth It
The Elements of Awesomery — Crackfic
A Good Sun Day
17,631 Words
By Waxworks
Nopony fucks with Marble Pie.
Not even family.
This story starts off with the appearance of a common “teenage girl rebels against traditionalist family”. Indeed, this aspect of the story goes on for so long that you begin to forget the tags. I was starting to think this would end with either Marble rebelling against her parents’ insistence on marrying her off or finally accepting the “Pie Family Way”. Then Marble performs her first act of rebellion, and suddenly shit gets real dark real fast.
The first thing that caught my eye was how the story acts on the “traditional parents” gimmick, but changes it up in surprising ways. Most stories of this sort have the parents want to marry off their daughter because “women should be in the kitchen and raising kids, that is their role in life.” Instead, Waxworks has Marble’s parents take an entirely different slant. It’s not “mares have a place”, it’s “we want our daughters to have direction.” Pinkie and Maud aren’t forced to marry or anything of that sort because they have stable careers and can get by. Limestone, too, has a clear direction in her life regarding running the rock farm, though they still want her to marry because running a farm isn’t a one-pony job.
Marble? Marble wants to be a sculptor. An artist. And as far as her parents are concerned, you can’t make a living wage as an artist. That’s why they want to marry her off with the Pairing Stone, so that she’ll have a direction as a housewife and mother.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not approving of their decisions, especially when we see that Igneous intends to choose who Marble will marry without her input. But I find it a fascinating switch in reasoning, something that really speaks about who her parents are. I can’t fault their intentions, only their methods.
Still, this isn’t a story about the Pie Family or Marble’s parents. This is a story about Marble, and the lengths she’ll go through to ensure her own freedom from marriage to some anonymous stallion who won’t let her live the life she wants. When Marble performed her first act of rebellion, I honestly cheered her on. I figured it would only lead to a little damage. Then I saw the real consequences of her actions – and worse, her glee at those consequences – and suddenly I wasn’t cheering anymore. This goes from being about a girl seeking independence with maybe a little property damage to… well, let’s not spoil it.
What happens here is a descent into madness. It is effectively written and damning in conclusion, a beautiful sadfic. It repays the slow start in spades, and in terms of plot I see nothing to complain about.
Still, I’m not sure I’d label this one as “horror”. The events are certainly horrible, but this doesn’t have the traditional feel of a horror story. I’m not sure how I’d label it. Thriller? Not really. It’s got drama, for certain, but… I dunno. Suspense? Maybe, if squinted at sideways through a mirror.
It’s absolutely a tragedy, though.
However it should be labelled, it comes highly recommended by yours truly.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Twilight Sparkle has been sent to Ponyville to make some friends. She’d much rather deal with the oncoming Nightmare Moon crisis. Neither will be easy considering all the ponies she’s required to meet in town are horn dogs who can’t think past her hot flanks.
I read the first chapter of this way back when it first came out in 2013, but didn’t continue it. I later rediscovered it and figured I’d see how it ended. What we end up with is the Mane 6 sans Twilight each representing a different form of… I suppose “perversion” is the best term for it. You’ve got Rainbow Dash hitting on Twilight with all the subtlety of a freight train, Applejack being direct, but at least keeping his distance, Rarity being a predatory “casting couch” type, Fluttershy desperate for attention, and Pinkie Pie just being clueless (because what else?). I liked Applejack the best, as his manner struck me as little more, well, ‘honest’, without being creepy about it. On the opposite end of the spectrum was Rarity, who just came out manipulative in all the wrong ways.
Yes, I am referring to them as males, because in this story they are. Aside from Twilight, all the Mane 6 have been gender-dent, yet retain their original names. This comes along for two reasons. First, cleverpun apparently thinks it is improper to believe that names should have gender designations. That one meets with a big ol’ shrug from me; I don’t see it as an issue either way.
The second thing is that there are four different versions of this story. There’s one where all the characters are male. There's one where Twilight is male and the rest are female. There’s one where they’re all female. Each story is exactly the same aside from the pronouns – I checked. This was cleverpun’s attempt at making a statement/joke that all people, regardless of gender, are capable of behaving in the manner depicted. This I very much liked for its stark truth.
This is at times humorous, at other times disturbing. To really figure out the point behind it, though, I recommend reading each chapter from a different set of pronouns. It can be so easy to read it one way with just one set of genders in mind. To get cleverpun’s message properly, it helps to constantly envision how you’d react to the events if the genders weren’t what you know/expect. It can be an eye-opening experience.
A neat little experiment of a story. Yes, it’s just the first two episodes with a more perverted slant, but it’s very well done and the added bit of gender play in the four formats makes for an interesting thought experiment. Just be warned that some of the behavior from the Mane 6 sans Twilight may come out as offensive regardless of gender.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Break Away: The Alicorn Amulet Collaboration — Pretty Good!
“Princest Is Wincest,” It Said — Pretty Good
Battery — Pretty Good
If You Came to Conquer — Pretty Good
You Too Will Deteriorate — Pretty Good
Lost Cities
11,025 Words
By Cold in Gardez
In this short story collection, one of FIMFiction’s best provides vivid, decadent descriptions of ancient cities lost to history and time.
At last, it comes to this. I’ve long heard many great things about Lost Cities, and read a few stories by other authors meeting the Lost Cities Challenge. The only thing that prevented me from getting to this sooner was my own rules regarding limits on how often I read stories by the same author.
I’m glad to finally be here. Not just because it’s one of the more renowned stories on the site, but because the rumors of its value have proven entirely founded. CiG takes on a fantastical yet understated journey through places ancient, beautiful, yet alien in their abandoned majesty. The story is an experiment and exultation in description, managing to create fascinating imagery without ever descending into such mistakes as purple prose. In 2,000 words or less, we are schooled in how to entice the imagination with naught but a patient narrative voice. One of my favorite aspects of this series is how it tells a story with each city described and, in some ways, provides a broader history of the world.
I can see why so many have been inspired to take the Lost Cities Challenge. I’ll be honest, I feel the same call, and may just answer it in the near future. In the meantime, I encourage all of you to give this a read if, by some miracle, you haven’t already.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
All the Mortal Remains — WHYRTY?
For Whom We Are Hungry — WHYRTY?
The First Light of Dawn — Pretty Good!
Babel — Pretty Good
The Instruments of Our Surrender — Pretty Good
Starlight's Kingdom
30,311 Words
By Henry101
Starlight has a dream in which some unknown entity begs her for help. Because this is what all people do when they have a dream, she decides to go on a journey to help this mysterious figure.
In this story, Starlight travels with Trixie and Sunburst to the distant land of Jinjabannera, where all unicorn magic (and only unicorn magic) is given a vast boost in power. There they fight a trio of witches, meet the local ruler, and discover the truth of Starlight’s origins. Bear in mind this was written before Stellar Flare was ever a character.
I’ll always approve of authors attempting to explore or create new regions for their characters to explore. Sadly, we don’t see or learn much of Jinjabannera other than that it exists and it makes unicorns more powerful. Heck, even that latter bit of information is never expanded upon or explained. It just “is”, and you’re expected to roll with it. In fact, I’d say “roll with it” is the motto of the story. If you’re not prepared to take everything that happens at face value, best not to read it.
This is a simple story, and I don’t think it was intended to be anything else. Everything happens quickly, little is properly explained, and there’s really nothing in terms of a theme or purpose to it. It’s an adventure, plain and simple. There’s nothing wrong with that. Heck, for many people that’s probably the best thing I could have said for it. You want to see Starlight, Trixie, Sunburst, Chrysalis (yep, she shows up too), and some OCs kicking ass? This is your story.
Don’t come here expecting vivid descriptions. Or advanced literary formatting. Or an awareness of mood and atmosphere. Or complex and interesting characters. Or character and relationship growth. Or worldbuilding. Or solid grammar. Or an intricate plotline. Henry101 is more interested in Dragon Ball Z-style epic battles where blasts that destroy castle walls only cause mild bruising, assuming they aren’t laughed off.
And hey, if that’s your thing, you go for it.
But if you’re seeking anything more advanced than that, look elsewhere.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
20% More Feminine — Needs Work
Queen Scootaloo
106,505 Words
By officialmjsmith
Requested by markelsmith866
I suspect that “markelsmith866” and officialmjsmith are the same person, due to their obvious name similarities and the fact “markel” no longer exists. He probably just changed names, as people are frustratingly wont to do.
In this story, we discover that Scootaloo is actually a thestral, and the reason she’s been unable to fly is because her real wings were kept magically sealed all her life. Now hitting the age of ten, though, her natural form is starting to emerge.
You know what would have made for an interesting and compelling story? Scootaloo being a thestral and learning how this changes her life. officialmjsmith does none of that and instead sends us on a crazy adventure that has only a passing relationship to thestrals, doesn’t take place in Equestria, and doesn’t even star Scootaloo, much less have anything to do with her being a “queen”. And at this point you’re probably going “wut?” Yeah, that was my reaction too.
You know, I can’t blame anyone for ambition. On the contrary, I celebrate it. This story is certainly ambitious. But, also as I’ve often noted, ambition needs to be tempered with experience. I am sorry to say officialmjsmith is an amateur in every way. They were not ready for a story of this magnitude, and it shows from the very beginning.
How do I count the ways this story didn’t live up to my expectations and standards? Lately I’ve been trying to curb those for stories clearly written by people not prepared for them, but it’s hard to do at times like this. The grammar? It… could be worse, but it’s by no means good. The writing style is the definition of Tell, taking it to its worst extremes. Don’t worry, you’ll know exactly how everybody in this story feels, because the author will Tell you. Repeatedly. Officialmjsmith will also speak to you, as the reader, directly on numerous occasions, completely missing that this is not something you’re supposed to do in any story not intended to be a joke.
So yeah, the writing’s bad. But it doesn’t hold a candle to the complete nonsense that is this story’s plot, which has more holes than a U.S. interstate. You’d be forgiven for looking at the title, the cover art, and the description and thinking this is a story about Scootaloo discovering she’s a thestral. Oh, it starts out that way, but the story is nothing about that.
Let’s make Rainbow Dash a thestral. Let’s have her absolutely hate Celestia and have a fear of ponies in general, which somehow doesn’t prevent her from becoming the Element of Loyalty or making everything from the show canon. Let’s have Celestia commit genocide against the thestrals. Let’s introduce a completely new alicorn who was part of Celestia’s government as recently as a hundred years ago that, miraculously, not a soul in Equestria knows about. Now let’s make this alicorn so incomprehensibly powerful that she can brainwash Celestia and, when the time calls for it, fight against all princesses sans Cadance, all the Mane 6, all the Humane 6, and Discord at the same time.
Oh wait, no. My bad. She didn’t fight Discord. Despite him being there and demonstrating he’s easily stronger than her. He’ll sit this one out, and even let one of the main characters die. Because shut up, we need pointless melodrama!
Did you catch that Humane 6 thing? Yeah, turns out the majority of this story is set in the Equestria Girls world. Even weirder, the majority of it stars EqG Scootaloo instead of the thestral Scootaloo of Equestria, even though she has no relation to thestrals or being a queen or… well, anything that this story is purportedly about. No, it’s actually about Scootabuse, but not for the thestral, only for EqG Scootaloo, against whom the universe aligns an endless stream of over-the-top Bad Things ranging from abandonment to torture to multiple instances of rape for no real reason other than officialmjsmith wanted to make us feel bad.
Speaking of, you talk about making crap up out of thin air! The police raid the Apple farm because the people who reported Scootaloo’s abuse lived there, arrest all the Humane 6 and Mane 6 for no apparent reason, then try to interrogate them. Oh, and pony Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo are sent to a research facility because, for no reason at all, they retain their thestral qualities (wings, ears, tail, etc.) in the human world. Anyway, they all escape when Princesses Celestia and Luna teleport them out. You would think that would be cause for some charges or at least suspicion from the authorities… but no. It’s like the police and the researchers completely forgot that these girls were ever suspect. They’re even credited as reliable witnesses in a court of law.
Oh, did you catch the magic thing? Yeah, even though the show expressly demonstrates that ponies passing into the human world retain absolutely none of their magical abilities, Celestia, Luna, and Twilight are all randomly capable of doing so now, as well as the villain Zolan. Also, the Humane 6 can pony up at will and Sunset Shimmer can become Daydream Shimmer whenever the heck she wants, because why not? And then we see Rainbow Dash being told to leave the fight because she doesn’t have her “diode” (Geode, author! Do you even know what a diode is?), while the pony Mane 6 who supposedly don’t have any magic at all are allowed to stay, which insinuates they too somehow kept their powers and… ugh, why does none of this make any sense?
Speaking of human Rainbow, did you know she has the IQ of a carrot? Our villain walks up to her and says “either you give me this thing that lets me annihilate both worlds or I destroy everything you love.” A rational person would respond, “So I let you destroy everything I care about or you destroy everything that exists? Gee, tough decision. Since I lose either way, I’ll just go with ‘screw you’.” But no, Rainbow languishes for a week trying to figure out whether she should make the obvious decision. And I’m expected to take any of this seriously? No, author, this didn’t create suspense, it just made both your villain and Rainbow Dash look like idiots.
And then there’s human Scootaloo going to a psychiatric hospital for a month. Yes, just a month. Even though she attempted to commit suicide twice while there – which we aren’t allowed to see, because apparently these aren’t important moments for Scootaloo as a character. They’re just going to let her go. Suicide attempts are apparently not a good enough reason to keep a fifteen-year-old on suicide watch.
Oh, yeah! Scootaloo’s fifteen. Rainbow Dash is sixteen. Wait, what? What show are you watching, author, that led you to think that human Rainbow is only a year older than human Scootaloo?
This reminds me, Scootaloo is “stealing school.” No joke, I spent an hour on research trying to figure out how someone “steals” school. Is this version of the Equestria Girls universe a place where there’s no such thing as public education? Can you go to juvie for “stealing” school? Where the heck did you even get this idea, author?
Then everyone goes to court so Scootaloo’s parents and Rainbow Dash can stand trial for her abandonment. Which is a joke. For God’s sake, one of the three judges (because this is a “Supreme Court”, which somehow is getting this case instead of a proper criminal court) literally starts berating the accused, declaring them guilty, and demanding they apologize to Scootaloo before the trial has even started. And no one bats an eyelash. Does officialmjsmith have any idea whatsoever about how trials work? Heck, about the legal system in general?
Hey. You remember when you saw a story called Queen Scootaloo and thought it would be nice to read a story about Scootaloo as a royal thestral, learning what that means, and getting some worldbuilding in? Me, too. officialmjsmith, apparently, does not.
Ugh. Look at this. I wanted to be gentle, but I just… couldn’t take all the nonsense. Because that is what this story is, a constant stream of nonsense. If I wasn’t frustrated, I was outright laughing at how ridiculous the events were. I’ve already pointed out so much, and am sad to say I’ve barely scratched the surface. Concepts and themes are picked up and thrown away continuously. We never figure out what the heck the Orb of Zebrica is, does, or comes from, and this is the thing the entire story is supposed to be wrapped around! What do you mean there’s not even a cameo of Zecora to try and provide some illumination on the Orb of Zebrica? Why did we come up with this big plan to defeat Zolan and then completely ignore it? Why is it this story runs on the theme of everything being equal in both worlds but somehow Scootaloo has different parents with completely different personalities in each?
Gah, I keep thinking of more things!
Okay, officialmjsmith, who I am assuming is markelsmith866. You asked for it, so here it is. I appreciate how much ambition you have and the work you put into this story. But you’re trying to do way too much. There are ideas in here that could work independently, and you shouldn’t have tried to mash them all together into a whole. And after looking through the rest of your library, I am not encouraged into thinking there are improvements. My first recommendation would be to stop writing the massive stories and focus on shorter pieces for a while in order to better hone your storytelling abilities. I mean storytelling specifically. There was zero consistency here, and you clearly did no research at all for the subjects you were bringing up. Once you learn to properly focus your stories on what they’re supposed to be about and give the plot some proper logic, then we can discuss trying to write epics.
Writing style is also a serious grievance. It’s like you’re trying to force some sense of gravitas and drama into every sentence, and that needs to stop. Improve your grammar, ease off the melodrama, and get a proper proofer/ prereader. The good kind who paint your stories in red. Especially get them looking at your dialogue, because I don’t think there was a single line of it here that wasn’t forced or cartoony.
You clearly have the interest and the will. What you need now is to develop the skills. Good luck to you.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Jewel of the Everfree
217,731 Words
By sxcbeast
Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer create a new spell for the Cutie Map to teleport ponies to wherever they need to go on friendship missions! When nopony else shows any enthusiasm for the concept, Rarity decides to step up to the plate and test it as a show of faith. This backfires spectacularly when the Cutie Map calls Rarity right when the spell is cast. The magic goes haywire, and now Rarity is stuck deep in the Everfree. On the plus side, there’s a local who might be willing to keep her alive.
By now I’m sure it’s no surprise that I’ve got a thing for Rarity-centric adventures, and not just because I wrote one. For this one, she finds herself far within the most dangerous place in Equestria. She also finds herself with Atchmon, a human who has been in the same situation for years. The two act as mutual protagonists for this one, and their relationship growth is of course the primary point of the story.
I like the directing here. We have Atchmon, an ethnic Native American and semi-survivalist who has been waiting ages for a chance to go home that he knows may never come. We have a Rarity who, despite this being set post-Season 6, is far more mentally aligned with herself as she existed in Season 1 or 2. In other words, sxcbeast got her characterization all wrong for the canonic timing of the story. I’m willing to tolerate that mistake here as it allowed for a blatantly unprepared Rarity to be set in a situation forcing her to grow up fast, which makes for some good storytelling.
Also a great aspect of a good story of this sort is how Rarity and Atchmon don’t get along off the bat. Rarity wants to go home, and even knows what direction to go to do so, but she can’t survive in the Everfree by herself. Atchmon wants to stay where he’s at, because if the portal that brought him to the Everfree from Earth is ever going to open he’ll want to be there for it. She’s a wealthy, social fashionista with decidedly feminine interests and behavior, he’s a man’s man who has been completely isolated from civilization for so long he’s forgotten how to interact with other people. He has to kill other creatures for his basic survival, and she comes from an herbivore society where the concept of killing even unintelligent creatures is disturbing at the very least. Needless to say, the clash is extreme, and sxcbeast does well to pay that element of the situation its due.
So the overarching story concept is great. Be it fighting Everfree monsters to the characters’ tendency for social faux pas, the plot never stops finding something to keep us interested. The ability to continuously shift topics and struggles without deviating from the story’s overarching point is a valuable skill in any author’s toolbelt, and this author demonstrates a clear awareness of that.
Naturally, it’s not all rosey. The author starts off with a large number of grammatical issues. These gradually become less and less common as the story goes on, so sxcbeast definitely demonstrates improvement over time. The dialogue onomatopeia at the beginning was especially egregious:
"Gasps! AH! OoF! Hiss! Aarrgg!"
Oh, Luna, thank your starry mane the author quickly stopped doing that!
One problem that never went away was the author’s tendency for using sentence fragments, which you can find numerous times in every chapter like weeds in a garden. I don’t know who told sxcbeast that “Forever trapping the unfortunate wolf.” is a sentence, but they need to have their literary license revoked.
I also strongly disapprove of the sheer number of references in the story. It’s like the author was trying to earn a record for the number of canon Rarity-isms he could squeeze into it, ignoring the fact that even one of them is too many. Don’t get me wrong, there are good ways to do it, but I wouldn't say that most, if not any of the methods sxcbeast used were among them. No, author, randomly throwing in a “Worst. Possible. Thing!” is not funny or appealing, it’s lazy and will, at best, induce eye rolls.
I found the movie references less irritating, partially because I think most people won’t recognize them but also because they felt less… tacked on, if you will. I detected three (“Looks clear.” / “Not right now, it isn’t!” / “You don’t even call me Godfather.”), but I suspect there were a lot more.
But that’s all in the writing. What about the story itself? For the most part, I approved of what sxcbeast gave us. There were only three points in the story that I felt things were going off the rails.
The first is the ~30,000 word chapter that is mostly just a constant stream of graphic sex scenes. We get it, Rares and Atchmon are a couple now and doing the thing. Did we really need to watch them go at it seven or eight times? The whole chapter was utterly pointless; the same thing could have been achieved with an implicating transition and we would have lost nothing story-wise. It’s made all the more ridiculous that these two, apparently virgins, already know how to screw like they’ve been doing it regularly for years. Even more flabbergasting is how the “inexperienced” Rarity somehow is aware of the common uncouth behaviors of Equestrian males in the sack, again like she’s dealt with this kind of thing many times in the past. Seriously, author, stop using your otherwise good stories for blatant wish fulfillment.
The second thing that annoys me is the fake-out death at the end. Come on, sxcbeast, you’re not fooling anyone. Nobody who has been reading your story for the last 200,000 words is buying that you’re suddenly going to kill one of the protagonists, especially with the needless melodrama. And then you go and use a MacGuffin to inexplicably undo it all. Pardon me while I yawn.
Last, but most certainly not least: Sweetie Belle. sxcbeast brings us to this scene mid-story where we get to see what the ponies back home are doing to try and find Rarity. Which is fine; I sorta wish we got to see more of that, but the fact it was brought up at all is good enough. The bad part is this entire scene where we get to see how Sweetie Belle is reacting to the entire scenario. It’s a moment that feels important, like a side story that really needs resolution. And when the story ends, the whole thing is dropped. No, not even that, it’s forgotten, as though it never existed. Sweetie doesn’t even get mentioned in the conclusion. Bad form, author.
Those misgivings aside, I have to give the author and this story props. It’s an ambitious tale that does a lot of things right, keeping me invested from beginning to end and wondering what new obstacles will come along. From Atchmon’s desperate urge to stay near the portal that may lead him home to Rarity’s frustrating awareness that she could get back to Equestria if he’d just help her, the character conflict and growth is great. It’s got a wide range of genre trappings, which is excellent for any story that needs to go long without losing most of the audience.
Jewel of the Everfree has suspense, romance, action, adventure, and drama, and it puts it altogether well. It has its bumps, but I can see no reason not to recommend it.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Cascade! Clouds Above, Obfuscate!
24,513 Words
By WritingSpirit
Sequel to A Copper Cicada, Underground
Soarin thought a third date with Rainbow Dash would involve… who knows, a restaurant? Entering the jungles of Vanhoover with her in search of an ancient relic hidden in a buried temple at the request of Princess Twilight Sparkle was not what he had in mind. But hey, he’s Soarin. He can take anything for his marefriend.
Well… almost anything.
Whoa. A Copper Cicada, Underground was creepy and confusing. Cascade! Clouds Above, Obfuscate! jumps to the next level to be downright dark. The story comes in two parts, the first being Rainbow and Soarin’s journey in search of the temple. I dunno, but some might think this portion far too long as a mere introduction. I liked it, as it works well to really get into who Rainbow and Soarin are in this story, as well as their relationship. Pretty much the entire first part is, in fact, relationship growth.
Then we get to the actual temple, and things start going downhill. Fast. Like its predecessor, it can get a little confusing. If you’re not paying close attention, you might lose track of what’s what, and even then it might happen anyway. Unlike the previous story, things get mostly clarified by the end of it. I don’t want to spoil things, as this is one that needs to be read for yourself.
I will say one thing about the plot, though: you’ll notice there is no death tag. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that means Rainbow and Soarin get out of this without consequences.
This one strikes me as vastly superior to its predecessor. Using an eclectic mix of talking heads and clear descriptions, it manages with startling skill to produce a mood, to maintain the characters’ signature voices, and to really get you into the story. There are some rare occasions where the talking heads work against the author, mostly by making it hard to know who is starting the conversation. Even so, this is a very well-written bit of horror. Or thriller, I suppose; depends on your perspective.
Two things come to mind. The first is that the warnings were right, there doesn’t appear to be any direct correlation between this story and the one that came before. Different characters, different settings, there seems to be no links at all. This leads me to assume that the stories are intended to be set in the same universe and a correlation is intended for later. I get the impression that the entire reason Rainbow and Soarin went on this mission has something to do with what Marble and Limestone found in that abandoned mine.
Alas, this is a problem, because at this point I have zero confidence that WritingSpirit has any intention at all of finishing this series. A pity, it’s getting really interesting. Still, if you like dark stories that are not necessarily horrors, absolutely give this one a go.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Copper Cicada, Underground — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
Lean on Me by Tranquil Serenity
Here Kitty Kitty! by Midknight_Stardust
Hope You Dance by PapierSam
Chrysalis Saves Hearth's Warming by Kris Overstreet
Derpy's Hoofington Route by AstralMouse
All Foals Are Born Equal by Roranicus
Burning Sirens by Lonarion
Self-Control by Trick Question
Ponies Protecting Ponies: The Return of Chaos by Venates
Pony Courtship Rituals by Codex Ex Equus
Recent Review Map:
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXX
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXI
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXIV
You Are Here
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXVI
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXVII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXVIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXIX
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXX
The funny thing about Stinky Sugar is that it turns out CHS is how you get room-temperature superconductors. (Ones that require ludicrous amounts of pressure to work, but still.)
I'm glad you liked Grabby, honestly. I thought there were more flaws to it that'd get picked out. It was my first attempt at really trying for 'show style,' and, well... I'll go over the points one by one, for the sake of context.
At this point, I genuinely don't remember if it was. The main intent was to convey the message that some basic things are universally true for any creature of magic, and as a result you could theoretically have ailments with identical treatment between different species. Plot-wise, I think that was the best option I could come up with to combine ponies not knowing dragons with ponies giving a dragon medicine. You can't give a kid medicine if you don't know what it does, but ponies don't know dragons. They do know magic, so they can predict what'll happen to a degree.
The other element, again if I'm remembering correctly, is that I wanted to portray the doctor as being competent and analysing the situation. This was written when all my pet peeves about Scootaloo portrayals were just pet peeves and not confirmed by canon. The idea that Equestrian children were left unaided and unmonitored in terms of medicine was a big one on that list.
Not to put that too much in the spotlight, but there's a somewhat religious aspect at play there. I'm basically not allowed to preach, it's not my place to tell people how to think, is the idea. It's better to let people draw their own conclusions, just make them think. That's something I've struggled with a lot, for various reasons. I'm glad Grabby found the right middle ground.
Hadn't thought of that, actually. Good point.
It might interest you to know, if it wasn't in the author's notes, that there was a sequel planned to the story, inspired by the same movie that inspired Grabby: "The Dragon Who Wasn't, or Was He?"
It's the first animated Dutch feature film, and if you've seen it as a child, FiM-Spike looks like a straight rip-off in comparison, it's that uncanny a resemblance in terms of tropes. The titular dragon is raised by a noble, and at one point they simply take him to a hospital to get a shot so he stops stealing and growing. The other thing, and the sequel was going to touch on this, was him being exploited by a circus. I binned the idea, because of time and tone problems, it wouldn't have worked. Be warned if you look up that movie: the English dub is notoriously bad. They randomly genderbent the actual main character, for one thing...
Anyway, thanks for the review, glad you enjoyed
.
Ah, back to not having read any of these. Alas.
Five? Ha! I just release my first story in a year and a half. I am way more lax than you!
Good review! I'm feel like I'm getting better about the sentence fragments. I think that's mostly due to my lack of expierence, but now I've settled and developed my style. Sometimes I have a sentence that I know is a good one, but with no way to jam it in there with everything else.
I don't wholly agree on the dialog sound effects, or the use of references. Since I think it's up to personal tastes. I haven't read very many stories that use either of them, but I can totally feel what you mean about the "worst possible thing!". I've had a few "eye roll" moments while reading other stories.
The death was like a reference to Beauty and the Beast. Or a lot of those Disney macguffins where a protagonist like Rarity magically gets everything she wanted. But I agree it was pretty out of nowhere.
The Stinky Sugar quote box has tripled in size just this year! :D Glad you had an enjoy.
Is there a distinction in your review rating system between an exclamation point and not?
Regardless, thank you for the review. "An experiment" and "hard to figure out the point of it" are both perfectly accurate descriptors of it. You are the first to offer this particular perspective, however. I never considered the possibility of switching between the different versions between chapters. Assuming that highlights the nature of the Mane Six's behavior more, it's a perfectly reasonable way to go about it.
As always, thanks for your criticism: always constructive, always well-explained.
5383622
Ludicrous amounts of pressure required to get anything done? Sounds like high school to me.
I adore the Lost Cities stories, it’s something very different to anything I’ve read in the past with its weaving of speculative history, mythology and description so I’m glad to see you also like it.
5383650
I don't know that I'd call those first two points "problems". I didn't intend them to sound as such. They were points of interest, at best. Still, the explanation into your thinking is appreciated!
The Dutch film is an interesting point I was unaware of. I tend not to read the Author's Notes most of the time, as I find the vast majority of authors use it in ways that seem pointless or don't help with understanding the story (I can't stand the ones in multi-chapter stories that use it like a "next time on" section in a Saturday morning cartoon or are all "I'm so excited aren't you excited you should be excited because I'm excited now GET EXCITED, DAMMIT!"). There's no way to know if the show outright stole the ideas for Spike, but if they did I'm not sure how I'd react. Maybe if I knew and cared about that character it would mean more to me. But then, it's not unheard of for people from entirely different locations with zero contact to conjure up similar ideas.
5383672
I went on a rut like that once. No exaggeration, it lasted almost a decade and didn't end until I discovered FiM. If there's anything I want to avoid, it's another aimless period like that one.
5383679
Funny you mention that, I got a distinct Beauty & the Beast vibe from that moment. Just not in a good way.
5383751
Some people have suggested that, without context, "Worth It" and "Pretty Good" seem very similar to the point of being interchangeable. I scoffed at that idea; to me they are distinctly different levels of appreciation. But as time went by and I thought on it more, I came to realize that if they thought of it that way then there would be more with that strange opinion.
The exclamation mark isn't a solution so much as a tweak. In terms of my overarching scoring, it doesn't mean anything, but from a basic viewpoint it can be seen as adding an extra sub-level to the ratings, where a "Pretty Good!" is better than "Pretty Good". This way the people who somehow see "Worth It" and "Pretty Good" as interchangeable will have a better indicator that I really liked a particular story, given the excitement inherent in an exclamation point.
Regarding the story, I pretty much had to read it by switching from viewpoint to viewpoint. I could have read all four version back to back, but then I'm literally reading the same story four times, and I just don't have the time to do so. This seemed like a good middle ground.
5383978
FWIW, I think of "worth it" as being significantly better than "pretty good." To me, "pretty good" is how you describe something that isn't actually good--something where you want to praise the effort, or encourage further exploration/experimentation. "Good" isn't exactly a high bar to clear; it's not "incredible" or "stellar" or what have you. "Pretty" means "most of the way there, but not entirely." So from that, I get, "falls somewhat short of what was already a comparatively low bar."
"Worth it," on the other hand, is an absolute value judgement. You're telling me that this fic doesn't fall short! It is "worth it." Worth what? My time, presumably. Saying something is indisputably worth my time is a pretty bold claim, even if we temper it with the assumed, "if this is the kind of thing you're prone to enjoy." It makes it sound like something I definitely don't want to miss out on.
Of course, none of this really matters; you define your ratings perfectly well in the descriptions of your bookshelves. It certainly doesn't bother me; language ambiguity is such a fickle thing. But if you want a peek at how someone might come to that "strange opinion," there ya go!
5384010
Yes, exactly: people view words in ways that make no sense whatsoever to someone else, and then there are people with a third perspective that makes no sense to either of the first two. And somehow we're supposed to unify with one language.
It's enough to make a writer go through numerous keyboards due to endless head-smashing.
5383973
No, no, I got that, it's clear what you meant, I just wanted to clarify there, because it's interesting what you brought up. I meant that I see things in the story after re-reading it, and details, other details, stick out to me in the sense that I should have paid more attention, because they are kinda wrong. But that's the thing about different perspectives and hindsight, I suppose.
The Dutch film thing, I honestly don't know what to think there. It was, according to Wikipedia, the first Dutch animated feature film, so it has some historical value, and possibly if there were people with Dutch ancestry on the cast, they'd likely have seen it. But convergent evolution is a thing, indeed. It's just weird to see so many resemblances at once is all: egg's left alone, raised by a noble, growth spurts based on emotion. But I looked it up and that particular dragon didn't have a 'hoarding' clause, he just grew when he had fun or when he got angry, and shrank when he was sad. Again, can't vouch for English dub, but here's the original. It's considered nostalgia for Dutch-speakers, I gather, not quite at the same level as Asterix for French-speakers but close. Relevant scene at 37.08
I guess what would clinch it is if we knew Spike's birthday, where exactly it is on the calendar when he was laid. The dragon species in the film operates by a very rigid set of rules: the legends about it are treated as being true verbatim. And the most distinct rule is that they lay their egg on a Friday the 13th, in a place where there's a swell of thunder. Maybe the comics will be a little more on the nose with it, or maybe it's a coincidence. Still a neat way to find inspiration
5384017
I guess that's why people refer to an author's "writing style". It's like any other form of art.
5383978 A fair distinction. It just seemed odd: given your usual thoroughness in explaining, pigeonholing, and detailing every part of your process, it seemed strange that this usage of punctuation was not remarked upon anywhere in your numerous guides and blogs (that I saw).
As for my fic, my original notion was that one would read whichever version suited them best. The default one is merely the mirror of The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine. I would strongly discourage anyone from reading every version in full.
5385536
Ah, yeah. It's one of my newer changes (relatively speaking), and I just never got around to mentioning it.