Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXIII · 8:38pm Oct 8th, 2020
Every now and then, I find I need to change the way I look at writing just for the sake of self-motivation. For the past… year, maybe? I have been keeping to a strict schedule of what I write as a means of ensuring no one story gets neglected. But lately I’m finding that harder and harder to maintain. So I’ve decided on a new course: completing a chapter of a given story (or a short story) before moving to another. I tried this method in the past and did okay with it for a while, so we’ll see if it results in any improvements to my production.
In other news, HapHazred has a contest going. I didn’t find out about it until recently, but it’s a great opportunity to release a new one shot that may interest some fans of one of my prior stories. Not a sequel, but a side-story set in the same AU. Don’t know if I’ll finish it in the timeframe of the contest, but it’ll be nice to have another short out. It’s also good exercise for working within a wordcount limit. Or in this case, several wordcount limits.
Nothing else to report this time, folks. Let’s get to some reviews.
Stories for This Week:
Sleepless by Samey90
Perfectly Natural by James Pwyll
Doctor Caballeron and the Convention of Consternation by Tigerhorse
Macaroni Noodle Star Charts by Heartshine
Pegaspies by lillytheomegawolf
Canterlot Dreamin' (On Such a Winters Day) by SleepIsforTheWeak
Progress by The Wizard of Words
Shoot for the Moon by Trick Question
Winter Heat by Trick Question
The Order by Mark Garg von Herbalist
Total Word Count: 82,639
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 5
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Diamond Tiara can’t sleep. She has no idea why. Her father is starting to worry about her mental health…
This was an unexpected tale. The story begins with the discovery that Diamond Tiara has a mental illness preventing her from sleep, only for things to devolve until she becomes a serial killer of her fellow foals. For most authors, that would be the end of the plot.
Samey90 takes things further than most authors. Rather than focus the story entirely on Diamond Tiara and her growing kill count, this author is aware that something like this has ripple effects on the world. We step away from Diamond to watch as the citizens of Ponyville react to the growing body count. Vinyl Scratch leading a neighborhood watch, Berry Punch blaming innocent ponies, parents afraid to let their foals travel alone. Some of the changes are reasonable. Some of them are not, and it is in this way that I feel the story is at its darkest. It is also what I most approved of.
Sleepless reminds us that lives are affected by the events we so often take for granted in stories, and it does so to amazing effect. The events of this one are heartbreaking, especially the ones Diamond isn’t directly responsible for. I felt the worst for poor Vinyl, but that doesn’t dismiss the other events in the least.
Where the author stumbles in in the writing itself. Simply put, Samey90 needs to do some more thorough proofreading. The sheer number of typos, missing words, and incorrect phrasing are a constant distraction that regularly kills the mood. It’s the only thing preventing me from giving this story a higher rating. Normally something like this would get a pass from me as we all make these kinds of mistakes, but it’s so common here that it feels like Samey90 didn’t bother to proof the story at all.
Even so, I have nothing but praise for the plot, and have every intention of exploring the greater universe created by it.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Elektrichka — Worth It
Perfectly Natural
1,568 Words
By James Pwyll
Tender Taps has been avoiding people these days. Everyone notices, but they all assume he’s just trying to deal with private issues. They couldn’t be more right. Sunset Shimmer knows what is bothering him, and takes it upon herself to discuss the matter.
In case it’s not obvious by the context, this is a story about puberty. Tender Taps is starting to really recognize the difference between girls and boys, and he doesn’t like his own thoughts. The story touches upon something that is more important today than it might have ever been before: it’s okay to be horny. We are in a world were both sides have it rough; a promiscuous girl is frowned upon as indecent, while a guy can get slapped with a sexual harassment charge for simply glancing at a girl the wrong way.
In times like these it’s important to teach these impressionable kids that being aroused and thinking sexual thoughts about others is, as the title declares, perfectly natural. I thoroughly approve of that message, and James Pwyll’s method of addressing it. It’s a good lesson for the younger teens in the audience, and one I’d like to hope sticks.
I have only two issues. The first is the question of why the heck Tender Taps’ parents aren’t providing this lesson. That seems like the role they’re supposed to take, and if they aren’t bothering then I must wonder why. Not that I think Sunset’s wrong for taking the initiative, mind you, it just makes me wonder.
The second thing is how Sunset realized the problem, which is by bumping into Tender in the hallway and accidentally using her powers on him. I think that’s the wrong way to approach it. Even if we ignore my headcanon that Sunset is much older than the rest of the students, she’d still be well past the whole puberty thing. I think the story would have been better served on the whole by having her recognize Tender Taps’ situation through experience alone.
Even so, this is a story with a strong message told in a reasonable, tasteful way. James Pwyll gets my nod of approval for that all on its own.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Doctor Caballeron visits a literary convention after getting word that Daring Do would be there with the Amulet of Kuliakan. The entire convention offends his sensibilities, but he bears with it in order to find his nemesis. But then he notices a panel that happens to be discussing his character in the books…
This was highly entertaining. Written by someone who has clearly been to a convention or two, it is largely a “what if” scenario where the supposedly fictional character of a series happens to be present at a convention. I love that Tigerhorse kept Caballeron as an over-the-top villain, complete with a ‘villain’ way of looking at everything that’s going on. (“Why, no, she did not steal that map, I let her have it as part of my brilliant plan! Obviously.”) It’s a lot of fun, especially when we get to the panel that takes up more than half the story.
If you feel like being entertained at Caballeron’s expense, you can’t go wrong here.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Macaroni Noodle Star Charts
1,027 Words
By Heartshine
Or: She’s Just Being Pinkie Pie
Sunset Shimmer sits at lunch with Pinkie, who has the titular star chart. When asked about it, Pinkie confirms that it is intended to tell Pinkie if she’ll meet her future love that Valentine’s Day. Sunset has to have an explanation.
I’ll be honest, she totally lost me at first. I was more confused than anything. But, as Heartshine would apparently say, ”love is confusing”. It’s a curious little story with Pinkie being Pinkie. But you know, after considering the explanation for a bit, I think I get it.
Pinkie logic always comes through in the end.
It took me a minute, but once the meaning clicked I came to really appreciate this one. I feel like Heartshine did a great job capturing Pinkie here, making her a challenge but not impossible to grasp with a little effort. But beware, ye who enter here.
After all, it is Pinkie Pie.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Pegaspies
6,883 Words
By lillytheomegawolf
Fluttershy was having a nice, relaxing day when her marefriend Rainbow shows up and asks her to be her pegaspy partner. As Rainbow Dashes do. Fluttershy plays along, if only because she knows that she’ll be able to cuddle with Rainbow the whole time.
This is one of those wish fulfillment stories where all the Mane 6 end up paired with another of the Mane 6. Most of it involves Rainbow trying to spy on her (mostly aware) friends as they go on dates or do other such romantic things. Fluttershy can’t help but note how dumb and potentially unethical Rainbow’s behavior is. Not that Fluttershy tries to stop her, of course; her marefriend is staying in one place most of the time, making snuggles easier to come by.
On the one hand, predictable story is predictable. You already know everything that’s going to happen before even starting the story. On the other, the hopeless romantics will likely enjoy it anyway.
I was honestly not so enthused, but that was more to do with the writing than anything. It’s incredibly simplistic, which doesn’t invite a lot of interest, and the author abuses LUS like a toddler with a crayon. Seriously, sometimes it happens multiple times for the same pony in the same sentence. It’s beyond egregious. Add to that how nothing really happens in the story to make it unusual or different from other romances and the whole thing fell flat for me.
A pity, I was hoping to enjoy this one. Maybe if I hadn’t already seen the All The Mane 6 Get Together concept (which I’ve heard called Omniship) done a dozen times already. I’ll be honest, it’s hard to read something like this and not compare it to the likes of Green. It would help if the plot demonstrated anything resembling a purpose other than the barest minimum of romance.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Every day, Rarity wakes up from a dream of Canterlot. She doesn’t know why, but it fills her with… something. Melancholy, perhaps.
This is one of those stories with no clear meaning or purpose, designed to let the readers form their own conclusions. A vastly underappreciated author, SleepIsforTheWeak wordsmiths this one like so many of their works, creating a constant, intense mood of depression without a clear cause. If nothing else, I love the way this story is written, with a distinct care for meaning and intent. That’s not uncommon with this author.
Still, the story’s purpose is not obvious. Is it about lost dreams? About dying friendships? The grinding pointlessness of social activities? I assume whoever reads this will form their own conclusions, and that’s fine. But those who expect the intent of a story to be spelled out for them as clear as a sunny day will be very disappointed.
I would recommend this to anyone who has an appreciation for good writing in general and who wants to study the concept of generating mood and atmosphere. If you just need a sadfic fix, this will also work for you. If you’re looking for an underappreciated author’s underappreciated story, then absolutely read this.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Just Give Me a Reason — WHYRTY?
Title Unimpressive —WHYRTY?
Fame — Pretty Good!
Legend of the Shotgun — Pretty Good
Try — Pretty Good
Progress
22,363 Words
By The Wizard of Words
Hearth’s Warming is here once again, and the girls decide to do a “Secret SantaCelestia”. Rainbow gets Twilight’s name, and it takes her a little bit to think of the perfect gift. Little does she know that gift is going to backfire spectacularly.
I have mixed feelings with this one. On the one hand, I can absolutely see Twilight falling into this kind of mental trap. It’s not like she hasn’t done similar things before. What gets to me is Rainbow Dash.
I suppose there is some precedent. She’s made some outrageous claims and had some freakouts in the past, and she’s known for running away from her problems rather than confronting them. But even then, this felt too extreme for her. I just don’t see her descending to this level. It doesn’t help that TWOW devotes a whole chapter to the problem. I don’t know. Maybe if the author hadn’t harped on and waxed poetic about Rainbow’s issue, it wouldn’t have bothered me as much.
I like the idea behind the story. It was going well up to the point that Rainbow started acting like a manic depressive for a tiny reason that would only matter to the most emotionally unstable individuals out there. I’m not downplaying the topic, I’m just saying I don’t think Rainbow Dash fits that bill. Perhaps it’s just my personal interpretation of her character, and maybe this entire perspective is subjective, although I can’t say for sure.
The problem isn’t helped by the writing problems, which are typical to this author. Homophones in particular are The Wizard of Words’s arch-nemesis, showing up near-continuously as a distraction. You’d think someone with a pen name like that would know better.
Another thing to point out is the images, which are mostly broken. You’ll see a lot of those throughout the story. Due to their placement, I thought the author had been trying to add custom page breaks. It wasn’t until one of the images came through not broken that I realized how wrong I was. No, TWOW was trying to add images depicting the scenes in the story. As the one and only working image makes clear, this was a bad decision. It almost universally is, unless you’re outright trying to let the readers know you’re a poor writer who can’t depict a scene using words. I’ve only ever seen it work on one occasion, and that author commissioned every image in his story to actually work with said story, as opposed to grabbing some image off derpibooru.
Don’t buy the cover art. There’s no happy-go-lucky, romantic Christmas events happening here, opening chapter aside. I’m also not sure about the romance bit. There really isn’t any romance in the story. You might be able to call the very last scene romantic if you’re desperate, but it’s easy enough to take it as mere friendshipping. I suppose if The Wizard of Words was actively trying to tell us that the final scene was more than that, fine, but if you’re here looking for anything resembling a typical romance you will be thoroughly disappointed.
This was nothing like I anticipated and was filled with all TWOW’s most common writing problems. The concept behind it is worthwhile, but I feel it focuses far too much on Rainbow being hard on herself when it already had Twilight in that role and doing a fine job with it (so to speak). I came away more disappointed than anything. That said, the lesson of the story is a great one.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Late for Hearts and Hooves Day — Worth It
For Sonnets and Harmony — Needs Work
I'll Love You Forever — Needs Work
Shoot for the Moon
1,136 Words
By Trick Question
Requested by Trick Question
Kevin the changeling has been trying to earn his doctorate, but now realizes that he’s chasing an impossible dream. His mentor, Princess Luna, hurries to see him after getting his resignation letter.
This focuses on the pressures of achievement and, ultimately, failure. The majority of the story follows Kevin and Luna discussing the nature of his time at Celestia’s school, how he struggled for years even while knowing he wasn’t likely to succeed.
Although I hesitate to add this, it may also be a reflection on modern prejudice. Many institutions, educational or not, are willing to allow unqualified individuals to pass through their doors in the name of “social justice” or, at the very least, meeting some unrealistic quota forced upon them. The very idea that certain individuals must be “allowed” to succeed without having met the criteria of others is, in itself, prejudicial in nature. It’s also blatantly unhelpful to those it purports to assist. Yet today it runs rampant, so much so that it might even be referred to as common practice. What must it be like to be that person who knows, deep down, they don’t deserve to be where they are?
Kevin is not one to accept anything that he didn’t rightly earn. That’s the core of the story and the source of its turmoil. I really appreciate the topic, even if it is approached in this subdued form. The story itself is a quiet one, without excessive drama or theatrics, and I appreciate that as well. It’s about discovering one’s limits and trying to be at peace with them. It’s about being hurt by others even though they never intended any harm. It’s about a mentor trying to help her student over a hurdle they both saw coming long ago.
By no means is it Trick Question’s greatest work, but it’s certainly one with a good message.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Price of a Smile — WHYRTY?
Broken Symmetry — WHYRTY?
Dead and Loving It — Pretty Good!
Back to Normal — Pretty Good
Flash in the Pan — Pretty Good
Winter Heat
5,000 Words
By Trick Question
Requested by anonpencil
Not-quite-eleven Wild Oats thought she had escaped. Yet here is her stepmother, seeking to take her back home from her foster parents. Back to Duty Grove, where things aren’t normal and life is terrible. But there’s still a chance of escape. One her own stepmother willingly offers…
Holy shit, people, this is dark. Happy Ending Crusaders, turn away now.
I can’t really explain much about the plot, as saying much of anything would be spoiling too much. I will say I’ve never seen anything quite like it, and the very concept is disquieting. I would put its theming down to a metaphorical murder of childhood and innocence as a result of aging, with the coming of puberty being the start of it. Here we have a filly who is taken from the place she loves – Ponyville, the happy fantasy filled with all sorts of wonderful things – and sent to a place of harsh regulation and standards where happiness is not allowed; i.e., from childhood to adulthood. It’s a grim, if not outright sinister, reflection on the process of growing up. The scariest part of the theme is the central problem of the entire matter: no matter how much it hurts, no matter how loud you scream, you can’t escape becoming an adult.
To be honest, I think this is better than my story Anthropomorphic, at least in terms of theming and having an underlying purpose. I only mention this because that story somehow placed higher than this one, and I’m curious as to why. I understand the results were pretty close, though, and they are each similarly dark in their conclusions.
I can’t necessarily say I enjoyed this, but it is absolutely the kind of horror I can appreciate. It does everything it sets out to do. The only issue I have is that the setting/mood could have used a bit more effort, but with a concept so unusual and legitimately horrifying, I think it’s fine as-is. Just know that you really need to be into horror to ‘enjoy’ this one, because it is as vicious as horrors can be.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Price of a Smile — WHYRTY?
Broken Symmetry — WHYRTY?
Dead and Loving It — Pretty Good!
Back to Normal — Pretty Good
Flash in the Pan — Pretty Good
The Order
2,505 Words
By Mark Garg von Herbalist
Sequel to First Day Terror
Fluttershy finds herself manning the register solo at Hearty’s Junior. If there’s anything she regrets, it’s getting a job at Hearty’s Junior, even if they were the only ones who would hire her.
Every now and then I recall my days working at a restaurant. A small part of me misses it, the camaraderie with my coworkers and the constant hustle that made days fly by. Then the rest of me, the part with the common sense, gives that small part the stink eye, ties and gags it, throws it into a closet labelled “NEVER AGAIN!” and slams the door in its nonplussed face. That being said, I feel like literally everyone should work in a restaurant for at least a year in their youth so that they can learn to appreciate the shit their waiters and waitresses have to go through every day for tips (at least the rest of the staff tend to be paid by the hour).
I am reminded by this story that there are indeed some people who are aware of the idiocy of their fellow man. I never had to work specifically in fast food (thank whatever god is responsible), but I am very familiar with rude customers, equipment not working at exactly the wrong time, and schedules being changed last minute without warning. All of which and more Fluttershy has to go through in this story and potentially on a daily basis because the food industry is frustrating as all getout.
The fact that the guilty ones in the final scene are a pair of Fluttershy’s friends was surprising to me. I mean, I can see one of them doing it as a prank, maybe, if she was feeling particularly malicious, but she was with someone who, by all accounts, should have both known better and resolved the problem immediately. And would have. But for some reason, didn’t. Probably because the author thought it would make for a funny conclusion. It did not. Honestly, if it weren’t for that one scene at the end, I would have loved this story without qualifications. And it’s not even the scene, just the who.
Still, I enjoyed it for the most part. I only wish the author hadn’t made Fluttershy’s friends into assholes for an attempt at a laugh. Don’t blame her one bit for her method of revenge, though. It’ll probably land someone in jail, but after what they pulled they have it coming.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
First Day Terror — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
Chicken and french fries by Jesse Terrence
An Unfortunate Reality by RedRandom
The Tab by Antiquarian
I've Come to Talk With You Again by axxuy
Rainbow Dash Comes Out of the Closet by Dreadnought
Ember, Hoardsmelter by Bugsydor
Canine Complications by Wages of Sin
Familiar by Trick Question
There's a Monster Under the Stairs by Grimm
Sisters by Dusk Melody
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Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXVIII
I've only read that first one, and I had the same reaction as you: good story concept let down by conspicuously poor proofreading.
Duty Grove, not Dusty Grove. It matters.
Also, I agree with the comment on mood and setting limitations. The problem I had was fitting an entire original mythos into the 5,000 word limit, which severely constrained my ability to set and subvert the tone in Ponyville.
5373890
You are in so much trouble for never reading my stories, young man.
5374094
I don't have the time to read things unless I'm reviewing them, but I've read plenty of your stories in that context, including lots of your write-off entries.
5373902
Whoop! Fixed.
5373954
Darn wordcount limits! The bane of our existence! But annoyingly useful at times.
5374106
Preach it, brother.
Thank you for the review; I'm glad you enjoyed Caballeron!
5374106
I know, I'm just teasing.
5374235
They're an amazing teacher, yes. Having to trim away twenty percent of your words helps show you just how much of what you've written is wasted space. They also help with pulp fiction skills (detailed and engaging descriptions in very few words).