Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXVII · 9:34pm Nov 12th, 2020
Huh. Just realized it’s my sister’s birthday. I’d go give her a hug, but it takes more than a hop, a skip, and a jump to get to Japan. Hope she’ll be happy with a phone call.
I’ve spent the past month working on the originalification of Guppy Love. I finished work on the first chapter (minus a couple minor edits) and got the rough draft of the second chapter ready to go. Then I looked at the two and their length, and I realized that I’ve really let myself go. The second chapter alone shouldn’t have taken me more than 4-5 days, and it ended up taking two weeks. Bad form, Paul.
But at least I’m still producing. That counts for something.
Good news is that I’m going back into Bulletproof Heart: A Shot to Remember today. In the grand scheme of the story, I don’t have much left to do. Three more chapters? Four? But given how big the chapters have been and my slowness lately, that doesn’t mean I’m anywhere close to finishing. Much sadness.
I might write a short for December. Dunno. Depends on how badly I want to release another story by then and how guilty I’ll feel for not working on my major projects.
...yeah, slow news week. Let’s get to the reviews, shall we?
Stories for This Week:
Perfect Pitch by Wolfie 03
The House Remembered by Waxworks
Even Emvoweling by ChibiRenamon
The Bird Feeder by shortskirtsandexplosions
Caring Less... by MyLittleGeneration
Sunshipped by Masterweaver
Neither Rain, Nor Sleet, Nor Grappleglorp... by Dash The Stampede
The Element of Surprise by Trick Question
Party Every Day by Esle Ynopemos
The Next Best Thing by Posh
Total Word Count: 152,871
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 5
Worth It: 4
Needs Work: 0
None: 1
Perfect Pitch
78,493 Words
By Wolfie 03
Vinyl is entering her first year of college as a musician and DJ. To her frustration, she has to have a roommate, and that roommate is Octavia Philharmonica. She doubts this will end well. One thing leads to another, and suddenly Vinyl finds herself joining an *shudder* A Capella group.
Apparently this story is a loose interpretation of a movie of the same name, which I’d never heard of. Having not seen it, I have no idea how closely Wolfie 03 kept to the original. But given that it’s an entry in the common “musical group enters a competition” niche, the plot can only be predictable: group forms team to do Musical Thing, group is unrealistically competitive for drama purposes, group nearly falls apart, solutions are found, group goes to competition as a proper team. These things practically write themselves, so the author needs to bring their A-game to make it worth the audience’s time.
The good news is that this is a story about an A Capella group, which makes things a lot easier. Can you imagine if it was for something like cheer or dance or drumming? Trying to write the competitions would have been a nightmare. Wolfie 03 handled this about as well as could be expected, providing links to the songs and partial lyrics to keep the pace. Of course, the narrative doesn’t blend well with the actual songs, often going far too long for the average reader to keep up if they want to keep pace with what they’re hearing. I’m not going to hold that too hard against the author, though; their options were understandably limited.
At least Wolfie 03 didn’t try to put videos directly into the story. That would have earned some rebuke. Instead I applaud their common sense.
Is there much to the story to differentiate it from the crowd, or even from romances in general? Alas, I’m afraid not. The romance between Octavia and Vinyl is everything you’d expect and decidedly void of drama. It runs more or less without any hiccups. The only time things get ‘serious’ is when Vinyl decides to be stubborn and ignore Octavia for a few days (weeks?) in a long bout of self-pity, which wasn’t so much a problem with their relationship as it was with Vinyl’s self-esteem.
And frankly, I didn’t care for how the author dealt with that, either. The story runs on this strange idea that Vinyl’s red eyes led to her being mocked, bullied, and at times even beaten at her orphanage, to say nothing for having been abandoned by her mother. Which just seems nonsensical to me. I can’t imagine little kids attacking you over eye color. If anything, I imagine they’d see it as ‘cool’. Abusive mothers and orphanage headmasters, sure, I can get that, but literally everyone Vinyl knows? Over eye color? It all felt nonsensically over-the-top and thus led to more eye rolls than empathy. I get that Wolfie 03 was trying to legitimize Vinyl’s obsession with her sunglasses, but I don’t think this was the best way to go.
There was the ongoing drama of the A Capella group she joins, The Equestrian Girls. I didn’t care for the name at first, but then I realized I was looking at it the wrong way. I first thought it was meant to be a reference to Equestria Girls, and as such it sounded downright dumb. But then I realized it could be a patriotism thing, like a band from the U.S. calling themselves the American Girls. Then it didn’t seem so silly. As to the drama itself… eh, it serves. I don’t recall ever seeing that kind of dramatics when I was in dance or a baritone in chorus at college, but I suppose the author had to get some drama out of the situation somehow, and this is based on a teen-aimed competitive music movie. Those things are all about overblown melodrama.
In terms of overarching plot, I suppose I’d call this passable. Nothing original, but it does what it needs to do. The only part in the whole story that I found particularly annoying was this scene where Octavia, apparently part of the Manehattan aristocracy, confronts her parents regarding her arranged marriage and desire to date Vinyl. Which, as these things go, leads to her parents disinheriting her. I was frustrated, but only because just once I’d like to see an author not go through this trope and do something different with it. Like, say, have the parents be reasonable instead of cliché. Still, it’s a subjective issue.
I think the only thing that really counts against the story without being subjective is the writing. Needless to say, Wolfie 03 isn’t a wordsmith. The writing style is repetitive, at times self-contradicting, and not good for flow and emoting. The dialogue feels forced and unrealistic in many scenes, if not most of them, and that really puts a damper on what are likely meant to be the most exciting moments. I think this was the author’s greatest flaw. There were times when I felt like Wolfie 03 really needed to stop, re-read what they’d written, and seriously consider what the words meant vs. what they were trying to say.
Overall, Perfect Pitch is… decent. Nothing amazing, but not bad, either. It’s an early story in the writer’s career, and it shows. I’m sure that it will appeal to fans of Octavia and Vinyl, whether they like them together or individually. It may also appeal to the hopeless romantics out there. If you’re looking for an engrossing drama… eh, maybe not. I hope to read something newer by Wolfie 03 in time, just to see if they’ve improved their style.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The House Remembered
21,019 Words
By Waxworks
A young stallion is in her house. Fleeing from timberwolves. Why would he flee from timberwolves? Regardless, she treats him kindly, and so he promises to return and pay his respects. She’s not sure what to think about that. Perhaps she likes it.
Before we go any further, it is important to note that this is not a story about Rarity. Yes, the cover art features her, but I imagine that’s only because the ‘manner’ of the artwork fits the context of the story. No, our protagonist is an OC. If you let that convince you not to read this, you’re doing yourself a disservice.
In The House Remembered, we meet a ghost who haunts a large house in the woods outside Hollow Shades (I keep wanting to call it “Hallow Shades” for some reason). After saving a young colt’s life and performing a few other kind things for him, he begins to repay her by repairing her dilapidated home. As the work continues over the years, she starts to regain self-awareness, emotions, and an ability to interact with the world.
The end result is a lovely little tale where a ‘lost soul’ gradually recalls what it means to live, even while unliving. Our protagonist, who earns the name Tikbalang (a nod to a Phillipine legend), is an interesting mare to watch as she explores the limited existence in which she lives. Rediscovering emotions, fumbling through methods of communication, gradually becoming more and more self-aware, and all while maintaining an overarching pleasant and kind nature, one or two mishaps aside. I was particularly interested in the ways Plum Pudding misinterprets her actions in the early stages, seeing as he can’t see or hear her and only has blowing winds and rattling walls for clues.
I’m not sure why this story is labelled as a tragedy. That would suggest that something bad happens specifically because of Tikbalang’s actions, or maybe the actions of Plum Pudding. I kept waiting for that other shoe to drop, but it never does. Where’s the tragedy? Oh, yes, one sad thing does happen, but it’s fairly early and can’t be blamed on any of the characters, so that can’t be it. Did Waxworks assume that, because the protagonist is a ghost, the story must be labelled a tragedy?
I’m also not sure about the romance tag. I mean, there’s certainly some love in the story, but it speaks more of familial love, or that of close friends, not of romance. Still, I suppose if you look at it sideways and squint, you might be able to make that connection.
Questions will be left unanswered, but overall I am pleased with this one. Tikbalang’s story is a pleasant and warm-hearted one. I’d love to see more of Tikbalang, although the story is just fine as-is and requires no sequel. One part mysterious and three parts character growth, it’s a slightly different take on the ghost story that warrants all the attention it can get.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Even Emvoweling
4,959 Words
By ChibiRenamon
Rarity discovers a book that, upon being opened, curses everypony in the room to “Pony Hell”. Obviously, she must undo this. Especially since her crush, Applejack, was in the room at the time.
I am entertained. The entire story is told from Applejack’s perspective and goes through the common routes of romances. You know, the whole “I love her but she’d never love me” shtick. Which is why the “book that sends you to Pony Hell” bit is so important; this would be a typical and probably even dull story without that. A decent chunk of the story involves Applejack and Rarity going through the rules of the book in search of a way to break the curse.
It’s made all the more entertaining when you realize that the book’s original writer wrote it with the solution they came to. The story never explicitly says that, but when you put everything together in context with the story’s revelations, it all fits. The ending of this story was the goal all along, and I am nothing but proud of the manipulation.
There are only two things that bug me. First, if you open up a book that says something silly like “you are now cursed to Pony Hell”, would you believe it? Would anyone? I mean, really. “Pony” hell. If you want an Equestrian to take it seriously, why would you add the “Pony” bit? I’ll grant that magic books with curses are a real thing in Equestria so they have to take that concept seriously, but I’d say “Pony” hell is a big giveaway. Even if the author is terrible at names, I doubt an Equestrian would use that specific term. Then again, they do live in Ponyville.
But yeah, that’s just a nitpick by a guy who has been at this kind of thing for ages and needed something to nitpick. It’s a minor issue..
The second thing is the lack of scene breaks. This story is nicely written and I have no complaints at all about the author’s ability to work a scene, but when going from one scene to another they just… do it. There’s no excuse not to apply scene breaks. It’s one click of the mouse or four taps on the keyboard, and they make transitioning blatant. Instead ChibiRenamon just keeps writing, as if the previous scene never ended. This is quite literally the only mistake they’re making, but it’s about as blatant a mistake as can be.
Other than that, I loved this. It’s the OTP in an amusingly specific situation, what more could you ask for? If you’re into silly romances with joke endings, this is for you.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author
The Bird Feeder
4,174 Words
By shortskirtsandexplosions
A scavenger exploring an ancient battlefield spots a derelict airship in the distance. How could he ignore a potential motherlode of valuable salvage such as that?
Bird feeder? More like a flytrap, really. This is one of those tales where you’ll get no explanation for the hows and whys of what’s going on. All you need to know is there’s a living airship. Some may find this concept terrifying. But to be honest, inanimate objects made animate never frightened me, so this fell flat for me. I mean, a haunted ship? Okay. A living one? Not so much.
That’s not to say this won’t scare you. SS&E does the best they can with what the concept gives them, with a story focused more on shock factor than atmosphere. I approve of pretty much everything the author is doing with this. I just couldn’t get into the context.
By all means, give it a go if you’re into horror. I find no fault with the author’s technique.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
.out.of.character. — WHYRTY?
Scale — WHYRTY?
Hello, Sedna — WHYRTY?
Background Pony — Pretty Good!
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle — Pretty Good
Caring Less...
4,401 Words
By MyLittleGeneration
Yeouch.
I don’t see a lot of Sonata-centric stories out there, much less ones that take her character seriously. I grabbed this one up because I was specifically hoping for that treatment. What I got instead was a generic suicide story that could have been headlined by anyone at all. It’s basically Sonata standing at the edge of CHS’s roof preparing to jump.
I’m sorry to say this was a dud in pretty much every way it could be. The narrative doesn’t get any more “Tell” than this:
Rain started to pour from the grey sky, dimming the scene, making it darker and more dramatic.
A week passed. A silent, dreadful week passed. It was simply a tragedy for the school, considering a week has passed since Sonata's free fall to her fate. Her death was remembered, and has affected the whole school. Students kept shut from talking negative about Sonata, nor did many talk about her. It was an event that stunned and shocked Canterlot High.
Yeah, this is pretty bad. To say nothing of that “kept shut” line. Does anyone have any idea how a person “keeps shut”? And then there’s the dialogue:
It wasn't best during the past, but now, they are here to show it!
And the fate of death is only growing warmer and warmer…
It “wasn’t best during the past”? “Fate of death grows warmer”? Has this author ever actually spoken to someone face-to-face before? It looks like they’re trying to dramatise something that, in context, is already dramatic. Sonata’s committing suicide, not trying and failing to read Shakespear. This is all made worse by the author’s apparent inability to stick to a narrative voice or tense. I don’t usually notice that kind of thing, so the fact I did here means it’s pretty egregious.
(EDIT: Coming back to this after a few weeks, I look at those quotes and realize it's possible MyLittleGeneration is not a native English speaker. The errors all read sorta like bad translations. Alas, I may never know for certain, but I'd accept the excuse if true.)
Are we really expected to believe that someone so desperate and worn down as to intend to commit suicide will be deeply affected by two weak reminders of past events? Two, in what is apparently a lifetime of mistreatment? Yeah, not buying it. When someone falls low enough to do something like this, you need to get into their psyche to pull them back, not say “hey, remember that time I beat up a jerk for you?” The entire story rings hollow.
I’d like to offer some constructive recommendations, but the author disappeared from the fandom in 2017, so I doubt this will ever be found by them. As it stands, this story is almost painful to read for all the wrong reasons. A shame, I was really hoping for a serious, in-character look at Sonata.
Bookshelf: None
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Sunshipped
5,942 Words
By Masterweaver
Some random mare shows up at the Castle of Friendship to ask Starlight an important question: why isn’t she snogging Sunburst? This leads to more than a little confusion.
Somehow, when selecting this story for reading I completely missed that it’s part of a larger series of shorts. Had I known that in the first place I most certainly would have started at the beginning, but here we are. As soon as I realized my mistake I adopted a “just roll with it” attitude, given that there’d be things coming up I wouldn’t understand.
From what I can tell, the series runs on the premise that Sunset is a clone Sunburst made of himself. The details behind this aren’t clear, but if I had to guess I’d say he was lonely and was trying to create a friend. The story runs at a fast pace, such that my “roll with it” attitude became important for keeping up. You aren’t allowed to think on anything for longer than a sentence or two with this one.
I suppose I’m fine with that. This was clearly written entirely for humor’s sake, so it’s not like we need to take anything happening in it seriously. That’s important to recognize, because the behavior of some of the characters is off in a variety of ways. Especially Sunset, who is like an entirely different character from her in-show counterpart. As long as you’re okay with that and in it for the laughs, you should be fine.
This is an odd duck for me. I don’t have anything against it, but neither does it appeal to me in any particular way. I suppose we could chalk it down to “not my kind of humor”. Sunset being OOC likely didn’t help. It may also have something to do with how I’m starting in the middle of a series I know nothing about. Maybe if I started from the beginning I’d have reacted differently. I still intend to read other parts, just to test that hypothesis.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Psychadelic — WHYRTY?
Cadance's Educational Video — Pretty Good!
Floral Embrace — Pretty Good!
Booko Stamps has delivered mail to Discord. Now he just has to hope the grapplegorp that currently has him in its mouth won’t eat him before he can get back to Equestria and deliver the rest of his mail.
This is an entertaining little story about a devoted postal worker who takes to his creed with maybe too much determination. Much of the story involves him hanging in the toothy maw of his captor pondering the nature of his situation and devotion to the job. I like that the thought of dying never seems to come out as a priority.
Nothing particularly special here, just an amusing anecdote regarding the horrors of being a postal worker in Equestria. If that sounds like your kind of thing, there's no reason not to give it a go.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Coming Home — Pretty Good
Bait Them — Needs Work
Red Barn (Over Yonder) — Needs Work
The Element of Surprise
5,579 Words
By Trick Question
Requested by Trick Question
Fluttershy and Big McIntosh are dead. It’s a national tragedy that affects everypony. Princess Twilight, aware that all her friends will meet the same fate, decides to devote every second of the rest of her elongated life to conquering the disease of age. Even if it means abandoning her friendships in the process. Pinkie thinks of a way to deal with this problem. It’ll just take a few decades to work.
Yeah, it’s another “Twilight has an epic freakout over her friends inevitable deaths” story. This one tackles the problem from a slightly different angle, however, teaching Twilight a valuable lesson through the magic of Pinkie Pie.
Trick Question pulled it off wonderfully. The solution feels perfectly Pinkie. Of course, the most important thing is not to ask “how”; we all should know better than to question the talents of Pinkie Pie. You’ll have to slog through 4k words of Twilight going through all the typical motions for these sorts of stories, but believe me when I say the ending is worth it.
Another great story from TQ. Jump in if you haven’t already.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Broken Symmetry — WHYRTY?
The Price of a Smile — WHYRTY?
Dead and Loving It — Pretty Good!
Back to Normal — Pretty Good
Flash in the Pan — Pretty Good
Party Every Day
22,069 Words
By Esle Ynopemos
Sister Story to Thirty Minutes Shy
Like its sibling story, this is a collection of shorts, each written in under thirty minutes and having nothing to do with one another, all incorporating Pinkie Pie in some way. In that sense, it’s exactly like Thirty Minutes Shy.
In another way, it’s very different. There’s a lot less crack in this one. With the Fluttershy piece we had magical girls and ninjas and hints at epic fantasy. With this one it’s almost universally ‘normal’ scenes in a ‘normal’ world. Which I suppose makes sense, considering Pinkie Pie brings enough madness all on her own. Whether or not this is a good thing will be up to reader interpretation.
I liked this one more than the Fluttershy one. Partially because of its more down-to-earth tone, but also because Pinkie’s an interesting character to explore in a great many situations. We have multiple romantic pairings (Esle Ynopemos particularly favors ApplePie, apparently), the origins of the “Fluttershy is Off Limits for Pranks” rule, adventures in foalsitting, senility, disaster frown relief, a romantic crossing of the streams, unconventional housing fees, the hidden truth behind Gummy, and so on.
I dare say it’s less memorable than the Fluttershy set, but still definitely worth the read. Especially if you’re a fan of Pie. I think I’ll read the Twilight one next.
[u/]Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Thirty Minutes Shy — Pretty Good!
The Next Best Thing
5,213 Words
By Posh
Sequel to "Teach Me Goodness"
Princess Twilight is away on diplomatic business when Starlight and Spike discover a wild Diamond Tiara in the castle library. Spike is of a mind to kick her out, especially since the library’s closed, but Starlight thinks now is the time for a gentle touch.
This was a pleasant story in which Diamond Tiara, desperate to improve as an individual (and maybe avoid complications with Ponyville’s latest teacher), tries to become Twilight’s personal apprentice. The result is a long heart-to-heart between her and Starlight. It’s a nice continuation of the issues brought up in ”Teach Me Goodness”, and it makes you wonder if DT and SG aren’t going to have a closer relationship from here on in.
The only annoying thing in all this are the references to other stories. Or at least, I assume that’s what they are. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with making allusions, but not when they interfere with the story. For example, at one point Starlight notes that Twilight has another student beside her, a student she identifies by name. My immersion ground to a halt as I puzzled over this: who is this pony, where did she come from, why are we talking about her, what’s going on? It ended up little more than a throwaway line, but it was a costly one. There was also how Starlight instructed Spike to read a certain section of a history book to teach him a lesson, a topic which is never elaborated upon. Don’t know what Posh is referencing? Too bad, you’re not going to get an answer, which makes the entire point of the diversion… well, pointless. And distracting.
Again, making allusions to the works of other authors is fine, but it is important to make sure those allusions don’t interfere with the story making said allusions. I’m sure people who knew exactly what the references were about would have had no problem with it and even gotten a chuckle out of it, but for the rest of us? It’s just a bunch of WTF-ery.
Ignoring that particular issue, this is a pleasant story in which a struggling and weary Diamond Tiara finds someone who can finally relate to her. Featuring great characterization – especially of Spike, or so I thought – and a nice awareness of dialogue and interaction, the story does everything it needs to do. It doesn’t get to the level of its predecessor, yet it is still a worthy successor.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
...But It Often Rhymes — WHYRTY?
"Teach Me Goodness" — WHYRTY?
Stories for Next Week:
Shadowed Bolts by Shadowmane PX-41
Losing Sight by thatonecoffeemachine
Rainbow Factory by AuroraDawn
Tactics by Rose Quill
The Foal in Daybreaker's Room by Foals Errand
Let It Snow by ToixStory
Sunset's Isekai by Wanderer D
Like Mother, Like Daughter by KorenCZ11
Smoothing the Knots by Trick Question
Blood Brothers by LuminoZero
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This year has screwed with all of us. I don't know what your life is like now, but mine is weird. I've barely seen a human since March, and of course that's going to interfere with our ability to create stuff reliably. So don't feel bad.
The first example was a reference to Sunset Shimmer. The second wasn’t a reference to anything, just a noodle incident from the two characters’ friendship.
It’s true that I like allusions, but these weren’t allusions. At least, not to anything I didn’t expect the reader to already be familiar with.
EDIT: It's been a while since I cracked open this particular story, so I didn't initially know what you were referencing with regards to Starlight's book line. But I reread the story, and what you referenced was a callback to Spike and Starlight's conversation at the start of the story where they're debating some historical trivia. She's asking him to verify the date of the Saddle Arabian treaty, partly to style on him, but mostly to get him out of the room so she can talk to DT.
The only story I actually explicitly reference here, apart from TMG, is Discourse on Fillies by Daddy Anglerfish, which was a thematic inspiration for both TMG and this one.
I'm half-tempted to throw up some of my other stories to see how you react.
Half-tempted.
Oh boy, Rainbow Factory. :V
I don't recall Emvoweling, but I apparently really liked it. :)
I'm glad you enjoyed The Element of Surprise. It was the first pony story I wrote, and remains a personal favorite. (I did rewrite it after becoming less bad at horsewords.)
I will forever be grateful I tricked you into reading my literature (I don't care about the reviews, I just want to give you feels), and forever secretly be tempted to recommend more.
5397214
Hey, thanks for the kind words on Even Emvoweling!
You make a fair point about the scene breaks - I'm no stranger to them, but if I recall correctly, this was a contest deadline rush job, so they must've gotten lost in the brawl there? Or maybe I didn't use them as much back then? I dunno. Regardless of silly excuses, I've put them in now because legibility matters.
My goodness, MyLittleGeneration is a name I haven’t heard around here in an awful long time. I ended up working with him on a couple of stories during my first 3-6 months in the fandom. I think maybe I liked the premise of one of his stories and offered to edit it, and I think he ended up tapping me for the other.
Anyway, it’s always hard to guess people’s ages, but I think he was... like... young. Like, these are the stories he will look back on and deny ever writing young. As we all were at some point. So some of the ideas were there, but he was really just cutting his teeth.
He seems to have left quite a while ago. Still though, I would enjoy seeing the one fic we were working on get finished...
5403559
I can almost relate to that, in that there are definitely stories from my distant past that make me cringe and hope nobody notices, but I wouldn't deny having written them if they did.
When a reviewer misspells one of the titles at the end of his review... I'm fairly sure you meant Perfect Pitch at the end of that first review, as Pitch Perfect is actually the movie you haven't seen. Also, you commit one of my biggest pet peeves. The plural of ninja is ninja. There is no S damn it. Sorry, but that really, really, really bugs me.