Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXIX · 2:50pm Nov 26th, 2020
Happy Turkey Day to all my fellow ‘muricans out there! By the time you guys have read this I’ll be at my parents’ place, so I went through all the work of getting this set up early. That way I don’t have to fight their satellite internet while doing it. I don’t understand why, but Google Docs seems to be… opposed to satellite internet, even when the signal’s good. I used to rag on about how crappy their internet is, but it isn’t anymore, so GDoc’s ongoing impertinence mystifies me.
Anyway, I’m going to spend the next four days eating and being a lazy lump. I think I’ve earned it. Until next week, reviews!
Stories for This Week:
The Ash by Raging Mouse
Self Help by Tyro
Full Bloom by Grand_Moff_Pony
Always The Quiet Ones by Eddy13
Rarified Airs by SpinelStride
Let the Silence Sing by Aegis Shield
Partyquest by R5h
How the Other Half Lives by Adda le Blue
Tomb of Magic by Ice Star
Pinkie's Surprise Quest by Shaded Changeling
Total Word Count: 343,925
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 5
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
The Ash
119,886 Words
By Raging Mouse
Something… strange has happened. A portal opened in the sun and spat out a massive amount of rock and dirt, sending it careening into Equestria’s Badlands. Now this thing is spreading what is only known as the Ash, an alien matter that poisons all who come in contact with it. But that’s not all: there is also the fact that it brought something living into Equestria with it.
This is one of the most unconventional HiEs I’ve ever read. In fact, it only qualifies for the title because there happens to be a human who plays a minor role. Huge amounts of this story are unexpected, and not even clear at that. And there are other tropes to contend with: Tyrantlestia, Twilight’s ascension, the corruption of the Elements of Harmony, plague, religious fanaticism, and so on.
None of these things are bad. On the contrary, Raging Mouse weaves all of them together in a way that feels refreshingly unique. The plot escalates in unpredictable ways so frequently and making such significant turns in nature and atmosphere that trying to explain any of it teeters on the edge of spoiling too much. The result is a fast and wild ride, even when the actual events fit neither of those descriptors. It is accompanied by a large-scale theory regarding the nature of Equestria and how the world functions, done in such a way that it effectively explains why the ponies have become such a big target for villains. Sometimes it is fun. Sometimes it’s horrifying. Sometimes it’s thrilling. It is frequently surprising.
In summation, this is quite the page-turner.
Raging Mouse did make some sacrifices to achieve that, however. The primary one is audience awareness. There will be some big things happening, things that will never be fully explained. Rather, Raging Mouse expects us to try and grasp it all on our own. Only at the very end is the full extent properly laid bare in an easily legible format, and even then it’s not quite everything. For my part, it was enough to keep me satisfied (although the big battle near the end left me with a lot of questions even now). Others might find it frustrating though, so it warrants mention.
I feel obligated to point out that if you intend to reject this story over the fact it has a human in it, you are doing yourself a severe disservice. If it eases your bias, I could point out that the human involved has only a minor impact on the overarching story, appearing in maybe a fourth of it. He’s more of a catalyst than anything. In a way, I was a little miffed by that; we don’t really get to know much about who this guy is before he’s rendered irrelevant.
The villain may be the lowest point of the story. She’s one-dimensional and generally boring. Her fate isn’t clear and her defeat was anticlimactic at best. Yet this also plays into the story’s overarching style, which is to say that outside of Twilight Sparkle, no one else seems to warrant too much of the author’s attention. Even the rest of the Mane 6, who have quite the epic chapter near the end of the story, earn much more interest for the author than the bare minimum necessary to convey what’s happening in their sphere of influence. That’s not to say that the author got lazy or wrote those scenes poorly – quite the opposite. I only mean that it seems Raging Mouse’s only goal was to tell Twilight’s story, and utilized the other aspects solely to further that goal rather than for the sake of the other characters starring in those scenes. I don’t hold that against the author, but it does strike me as a curious method.
At the time I was reading this, it was my favorite story out of all my ongoing projects. It’s definitely one of the better adventures I’ve found so far, in no small part to its unconventional approach to storytelling and the frequent sharp turns in plot direction. For those looking to expand their horizons on how a story is told, this would be a good choice. For everyone else, I’d recommend it anyway.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Chasing Winter — WHYRTY?
Applejack and Rainbow Dash are called by the Cutie Map for a friendship mission! Except this time that mission requires them to go to the human world. The problem?
Each other.
This story runs on the premise that Equestria Girls Applejack and Rainbow Dash were dating before the events of Equestria Girls. As these things go, pony Rainbow and AJ aren’t dating, but now find themselves in the awkward position of having to get their human counterparts back together.
This is a concept that the hopeless romantics among us will absolutely adore, even though it doesn’t do anything we don’t see coming from a mile away, identity confusion shenanigans included. Some of it is a little too convenient for my tastes, but I’m willing to let that slide. That kind of thing is par for the course in a story like this.
A great aspect of the story is how well tyro captured Applejack’s and Rainbow’s signature voices. This is one of those rare stories where I could actually hear them speaking their dialogue in my head the entire time. This is balanced out by how little of the other characters we see; Princess Twilight and Sunset Shimmer get little more than cameos and human Pinkie makes an appearance that works at first but then becomes nonsense even by her standards. Other than that? Nothing. It just struck me as odd, because I would have expected them to make an appearance somehow.
Still, for those looking for some AppleDash shipping, this will be a treat. I don’t know how well it will work for people outside that demographic, but the strong character awareness for Dash and AJ was enough to make me like it.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Full Bloom
16,814 Words
By Grand_Moff_Pony
Roseluck always looks forward to when Rarity visits her little stall in the market. Who wouldn’t? But when Rarity begins strongly hinting that the attention is mutual… well, Roseluck isn’t about to say no to the bounty being offered. This may be the beginning of a beautiful… collaboration.
I’m not sure what made me choose this initially, although it’s most likely the fact that I’ve not seen this particular pairing before. I was hoping it wouldn’t be clop for clop’s sake. Go figure BMP contacted me right before I read it to say that, yeah, that’s all it is. But by then I already had it hard-scheduled, and had no intentions of removing it. Partially because I like GMP’s work, and partially because I have a hard rule of not removing stories once they get that close to reading time.
The good news is that GMP writes this one in a way I can thoroughly approve of. A lot of care and attention went into this, and that is apparent from the beginning. While it may be just an excuse for two mares to go at it like rabbits, the writing is well done, allowing the situation to feel intimate rather than forced. I appreciate an author who can put as much effort into their… baser stories as their serious ones. That little interruption at the end of Chapter 2 was a nice, amusing touch.
I approve of this one. With vivid descriptions and a more vanilla sexuality, it pulls off everything it needs to do without rushing into things. Certainly one of the more high-quality pornographic entries on the site.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Frequency: An Epilogue — WHYRTY?
In and Out of Phase — Pretty Good!
Night Rose — Pretty Good!
Ciphers — Pretty Good
Handmade — Pretty Good
Always The Quiet Ones
14,623 Words
By Eddy13
Out jogging one night, Sunset is passing by Fluttershy’s house when she hears something… disturbing. She tries to downplay it, until the next morning when Rainbow Dash doesn’t show up to school. Now the girls suspect Fluttershy is a murderer, and set out to prove it.
You know what’s really annoying? Reading a story like this in October knowing full well you won’t publish the review until late November. Anyway, anyone with half a brain will know, or at least have a good idea, of what’s really going on with this story more or less from the beginning. Given how this story went, I’m reasonably sure Eddy13 was counting on that. What we end up with is Sunset, Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie getting into all sorts of nonsensical hijinks and suffering due to a bunch of blatantly obvious misunderstandings. Which, if handled properly, could be comedic gold.
Alas, Eddy13 went far too “Scooby Doo” with the comedic bits for my taste. Like the last story I read by this author, this one feels like it was written for a much younger demographic, the kind that cares less about a fun an intriguing story and more about slapstick comedy and reality-defying jokes. And, as I also said for my review of the last story, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not for me, but I don’t think I’m the target audience.
Just a few examples: Fluttershy supposedly murdered Rainbow Dash at her house. Then the girls witness Shy doing ‘suspicious stuff’ at the school. Why would Fluttershy go through all the trouble of doing the things they think she’s doing at the school, during classes, instead of… you know, at night and literally anywhere else?
Fluttershy has a room full of… uh… ‘implements’. Among those are spears. Which, miraculously, shoot off the walls as if they are spring loaded for absolutely no reason, all landing with pinpoint precision at the exact same spot of the wall. Also, if we put the spears back where we found them, Fluttershy totally won’t notice the fresh holes in the wall.
The girls are running in the rain. One trips. Okay, so it’s muddy and they slide. I can buy that. I’m not sure how it is that the girls and the mud miraculously haven zero friction and can slide dozens of feet with no incline, overcoming all the other girls in a single massive heap that continues to defy the laws of physics all the way to Fluttershy’s house.
Yeah. “Scooby Doo”.
But again, this is only bad if you’re looking for a realistic story made for a mature audience. That is clearly not what Eddy13 was going for. And that’s fine. The result doesn’t appeal to me, but I’m a lot older than 14. The younger audience will no doubt love it.
That being said, there’s a significant conflict between the childlike comedic elements that drive the story from beginning to end and the expressively adult realities behind what’s going on. I mean, yeah, we all know from the start that what Rainbow and Fluttershy are doing is “mature”, but the whole truth of what they’re up to is more than some adults could tolerate, which means it absolutely isn’t for kids. The contradiction is enough to make me question whether Eddy13 really knew what audience they were going for. I wrote this review under the assumption that they did, but if I’m wrong it would severely harm my opinion of the overarching story.
But assuming Eddy13 does have a specific and very young demographic in mind, then the only real problem (aside from the above) is the same one that appeared in You Call That A Costume: Eddy13’s concept of writing is severely lacking. I won’t go into all the grammatical issues, but know there are plenty of them, especially when it comes to dialogue. Also problematic is that the author has an unfortunate habit of using words that don’t mean what the author clearly intended (how does someone “alleviate” themselves?). If you care about how a story is written, you won’t get more than a paragraph or two.
Eddy13, I say this with only the best of intentions: get a proofreader. Not the kind that makes two corrections and says “cool story, bro!”, but the kind that slathers your story in red then gives you a shaming glare when you try to argue. You’ll be thanking them a year later.
To be honest, I’d have put this story on the middle ground were it not for all the issues with the writing. About the only serious problem with the plot is that it blends cartoonish humor with extreme mature themes. If you can get past that (and the grammar), you might just enjoy this.
Besides, I don't think there’s anyone out there who doubts Fluttershy’s got something like this inside her to some degree. This scratches that itch nicely.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
You Call That A Costume? — Needs Work
Rarified Airs
44,226 Words
By SpinelStride
A thousand years ago, the wendigoes attacked the pony tribes, feeding off their anger and infighting. The unicorns came up with their own special solution to the problem: genocide. The pegasi and earth ponies were rendered extinct, peace reigned, and life moved on. Modern Princess Twilight Sparkle of the Unicornia Heartland concluded that this was a grievous mistake, and so used magic and breeding to produce the first pegasus in a millennium.
Whoa. I didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t this. The story is set in a world of racism in which unicorns rule all of Unicornia, with all non-unicorn species forced to live in what amounts to a slum state (except for griffons, who have their own separate kingdom). Unicornia is divided into five provinces, each ruled by a Prince or Princess, with the Queen’s throne perpetually absent unless the individual rulers can, miraculously, elect among themselves a leader for the entire kingdom.
In this setting we meet Rainbow Dash, the world’s one and only pegasus. Princess Twilight created her using both magic, the acquisition of a rare pegasus feather, and her brother and Rarity as the… *ahem* genetic donors. When we begin the story, Rainbow is a fully grown mare and feeling a need to belong in a home that, in many ways, doesn’t want her. Princess Twilight, recognizing the unease in her ‘niece’, thus sends Rainbow out on a diplomatic mission to visit all the other provinces and their rulers.
This story is a worldbuilder’s dream. When SpinelStride decides to create an AU, they go all out. Familiar faces will appear as fresh and new, often species-swapped, and sometimes with entirely new names. It took me a while to catch on to Rose Quartz, for instance, and if you think Diamond Tiara was a monster as an earth pony, wait until you meet her as a unicorn. Familiar locations have been revamped in a lot of ways, yet maintain enough familiarity to be recognizable.
SpinelStride uses this story as an excuse to worldbuild, letting us visit each of the Equestrian provinces and learn a little about them. From the gilded center of capitalism that is the Rich Lands to the rural, heat-stricken Mongrel Lands, we get to see a lot of what this world has to offer. Some of the reveals can be surprising, such as Filthy Rich’s direct methods of solving problems or Blueblood’s startling – if not exactly welcome – honesty. Be it visual or in terms of character, the things we get to see develop in this story are worthwhile.
And all of this is painted through the eyes of Rainbow, who has an effect almost wherever she goes. From learning flying technique from a griffon (you know the one) to saving an entire province from foul play, we get to watch as she grows as an individual and tries to make life better. It’s rare that I find myself truly hooked to an ongoing story, but this one pulled that off.
The major problem with the story is the ending, which came on far too quickly. It has a nice buildup at first, but then the last few scenes force upon us huge changes that stand in total defiance to the pacing and tone of the rest of the story, to say nothing for how Rainbow Dash literally transforms into an entirely different character, complete with a new and alien personality, at the last minute. It felt like SpinelStride was trying to do too much too quickly. Or maybe they decided they were tired of the story and rushed an ending through for the sake of moving on.
That said, I do appreciate the bait-and-switch they did with the final chapter. It could have been handled better, absolutely, but that doesn’t make me not like the idea behind it.
Aside from the conclusion, another hiccup is the ever-present and somewhat uncomfortable awareness that this world only exists because of a literal holocaust against pegasi and earth ponies. I won’t hold that against the story, but the fact that the overt, ongoing racism of Unicornia is ignored in the conclusion is an unfortunate extra strike against it. Ponies don’t go from total racism to harmony and peace with their biological cousins at the drop of a hat, and I would have appreciated an acknowledgement of the issues rather than the Happily Ever After the story presents us with.
Overall, I must give this story props. It’s fun to read, with an entirely unique and interesting world to explore, on top of watching our favorite pegasus be nonstop awesome. Well written and wonderfully complete in its reimagining of Equestria, I point to it as a singular example of worldbuilding. That awkward conclusion is the only thing preventing me from giving it top honors.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Let the Silence Sing
14,189 Words
By Aegis Shield
It’s Celestia’s day off, and she wants to take a nap. But not in her royal suite. She’d rather have something more… natural. Accompanied by an invisibility spell, she goes exploring for a new spot to recline her weary head. This leads to the discovery of a barn near an apple orchard. The loft seems appropriately private! At least until the local stallion comes up and finds her there…
This is a cute little story in which Big McIntosh and Celestia gradually form a relationship without ever speaking one word to each other. Set over several weeks – maybe even months – the story is largely limited to Celestia’s visits to the loft, which has become her favorite place to loiter when not on duty.
I enjoy Aegis Shield’s interpretation of this relationship. It’s not a common ship, but one I can absolutely see working under these circumstances. The author spices things up a touch by having a side-element of Luna getting frisky with the Changeling ambassador. Which was a bit of a shock, mostly because this was written in 2013 and the changelings are still ruled by Chrysalis. There aren’t many stories out there that depict Equestria and the Changelings having direct diplomatic ties. Those aren’t the only quirks and alterations in canon, either.
The author makes a few literary faux pas, but they are uncommon enough that I was able to ignore them for the most part. I think the only moment that really bugged me was an early scene where Big Mac scolds the CMC and Featherweight (here’s your foreshadowing) for playing around with some plywood the Apple Family had stored for construction use. Because… uh… it ruined the plywood and made the ground muddy? What? Aegis Shield, I think you’re both vastly underestimating the strength of plywood and grass. It struck me as borderline abusive. That’s not what the author intended, but it definitely rubbed me wrong.
Oh, and there’s the alicorn amulet bit. The story’s practically over and the author stops for a long paragraph to wax on about the true nature of the amulet? Where did this come from? What does it have to do with anything? Oh, yes, the author tries to tie it to Celestia’s and Big Mac’s new relationship, but it’s weak. That entire section could have been thrown out entirely and nobody would notice. Aegis Shield would have been better served leaving that for a time when it actually mattered, like maybe in the sequel.
Which I’ll be reading, let me assure you. Despite its hiccups, this is a cute little story about two ponies enjoying some quiet time together. Very quiet. I was a little miffed that Applejack never made so much as a cameo – I mean, she does live and work at the farm, so it stands to reason – but I’m okay with what we got. I especially like the slow burn nature of it; the majority of the story offers no romance at all, just two ponies getting along.
Sometimes, those are exactly what we want to see.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Partyquest
11,594 Words
By R5h
Pinkie Pie wants to throw the best party ever, but doesn’t think she’s good enough. So she goes to the one person who might be able to teach her how to be the best of the best: herself! Her pony self, that is. Twilight decides to come along for the ride, both to support her friend and for Science!
This is a somewhat fast-paced story in which EqG Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle journey all across Equestria. Ostensibly, this is so that Pinkie can learn from the greatest party planners in the land. But, as Twilight gradually learns, Pinkie has an entirely different reason for being a dimension away from home, and it has something to do with her sisters.
Partyquest was written for Aragon’s “Comedy (is Serious Business)” contest. R5h takes this concept somewhat literally, weaving a story of comedic elements that underlines a very dark reality that Pinkie is avoiding. How well that works for the contest prompt, I can’t say. What bugs me is that the apparent main story and the underlying purpose feel… disconnected. The idea of Pinkie trying to learn how to throw the Best Party Evah and the true issue she’s struggling with don’t appear to be related. And without that correlation, the story doesn’t shine as well as it could.
That’s not to say the story is bad. Far from it. It’s got plenty of amusing moments and fun cameos, and Pinkie does learn some valuable lessons by the end. Those seeking some amusement will get something out of this, and those looking for a mystery (and an unexpectedly dark one, at that) will probably also enjoy it. I just don’t think the author blended the two effectively, is all.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Girl Who Couldn't Change — WHYRTY?
Missing Equipment — Pretty Good!
The Clown Sentry — Pretty Good!
How the Other Half Lives
22,127 Words
By Adda le Blue
Alpha has decided she wants to spend a night playing dress up, complete with makeup and an enticing dress and maybe a night on the town. One problem with that idea: on the outside, Alpha is a stallion. That’s okay, though. He has a plan to fix that. It just involves body swapping with his best friend Faery Lights. The biggest hurdle is getting her permission…
This story starts off with some damning activities from both parties. We’ve got Fae outright sexually abusing Alpha. Then we have Alpha trading bodies with Fae without her permission. The story focuses mostly on that second one, but I’m glad the first one at least gets recognized in time.
The real point in all this, however, is that Alpha is a mare in a stallion’s body. The entire story rotates around this and her desperate actions to fix it, even if only for one night. The end result nearly destroys their relationship – and really, who can blame Fae for being furious?
I’m struggling to properly describe this, but it’s not a simple tale. It involves a great many things, from the utter dismissal of personal boundaries to the desperate desire to feel ‘normal’ in one’s own skin. Adda le Blue doesn’t sugarcoat the situation, forcing us to watch a relationship nearly crumble in the face of one mare’s grasping at falsehoods. Alpha’s actions amount to a quick fix for a problem that needs way more than a mere bandaid. She’s lucky that, for as wrong as the events of this story are, she has a friend like Fae who can, with effort, come to acknowledge the cause of this betrayal instead of the act alone and adjust her reaction accordingly… and even come to realize her own wrongdoings.
This is, hands down, my favorite Adda le Blue story so far. Unlike the last story I read by this author dealing with such a topic, this one is filled with hope. It doesn’t paint the situation in endless bitterness, yet at the same time doesn’t shy away from the downsides. Nor does it attempt to be preachy and demanding, focusing its efforts on putting us within Alpha’s perspective and struggle instead. It is, at its core, a story about healing and acceptance, and that makes it all the better.
Were I not already following this author, this story would have gotten me to do so.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
All the Time in the World — WHYRTY?
The Morning After Mother's Day — Pretty Good!
Miss Sparkle, Psychopath — Worth It
True Love Never Dies — Missed Audience
Tomb of Magic
47,388 Words
By Ice Star
Sequel to Crystalline: Her Destiny
Twilight, after months of planning, is ready to go on a journey to the home of Starswirl the Bearded, her hero. But when she ends up needing a travelling partner, Celestia assigns the most unwelcome of ponies: former king Sombra.
It should be noted that Ice Star is planning to revise the entire story and its predecessor into something “better” as part of some re-release project he’s working on. So just in case anyone shows up after to read this review, this was written before the rewrite and probably shouldn't be used to judge that version of the story.
Even without the rewrite, though, this is a significant improvement to its predecessor. The story mostly involves Twilight and Sombra travelling together and, in the process, absolutely hating one another. Most stories would have them develop some kind of relationship, even if a cool one, but no: here it’s just mutual loathing from beginning to end, without anything resembling relationship growth. That’s not a bad thing. On the contrary, it creates an interesting ongoing dynamic that gives the story the most of its best material.
The underlying constant of the story is Sombra’s cruel nature. Twilight insists he is evil incarnate. Most people would agree, considering he openly loves the suffering and death of others and tends to go out of his way to make it happen. This rendition of Sombra is truly a vile creature. He, on the other hand, insists that concepts of “heroes and villains” are stupid and that he is little more than a shade of grey.
The story is rife with unreliable narration, from Twilight’s underlying racism (that I noticed well before Sombra calls her out on it) to Sombra’s overbearing narcissism and delusions of grandeur. In a way, this is one of the best parts of the story. It forces us to try and discern the truth for ourselves, all while never confirming anything beyond what we can see. It adds a nice complexity to the story I can get behind.
There are certainly some problems, though. Some of the decisions the characters make are… nonsensical. For example, early in the story Twilight is travelling with Applejack. Then she realizes she’s going to find Sombra and… uh… lies to Applejack and jumps off the train? Why? What possible reason could she have to do something so dumb? There’s no rush to get off the train and she just unreasonably worried one of her best friends. She couldn’t have, y’know, got off at the next station and taken the next train back?
Then there’s how Twilight actually proves herself as dumb as Sombra insists by jumping to some rather bad conclusions about his nature, once even coming to believe Sombra is the real Starswirl. And I’m just like… how? How do you jump to such a preposterous conclusion when the evidence otherwise is literally staring you in the face?
Those were the most obscene issues, and even then I wasn’t too bothered. Compared to the nonstop WTF-ery of the previous story, this one is like a breath of fresh air.
There are a lot of quirks here, which are typical of Ice Star’s writing for this AU. There’s no real connection to the other stories; you don’t have to have read a single story from it to grasp the vast majority of what is happening here. That’s not a bad thing at all, just a part of Ice Star’s methods. In a way, it’s actually a boon. The one and only point that may make the reader hesitate is the brief scene where Sombra goes to Cadance for advice regarding how to treat Twilight, which calls out the events of the previous story. I was admittedly miffed that Cadance got such an incredibly short cameo considering how important she was before and her history with Sombra.
There’s also the long flashback that takes up some three or four chapters. I’m not sure how I feel about those. On the one hand, it reveals something that came to be useful in the present. On the other, most of it seemed like a distraction from what we’re actually here to read. I suppose that’s something the individual reader will have to judge for themselves.
Overall, I liked this one far more than the last story. The events are more interesting, the directing is vastly improved, and the constant negativity between Twilight and Sombra adds an unusual spice. Just don’t expect to come out of it loving Sombra or anything; this guy’s bad all around.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Autophobia — Pretty Good
Tear the Sky Asunder — Pretty Good
All That Lingers — Worth It
Defining Features — Worth It
Crystalline: Her Destiny — Needs Work
Pinkie's Surprise Quest
28,702 Words
By Shaded Changeling
Sequel to Converted
Surprise is a changeling without a hive, born and raised in the wilderness. He was a minor character in Converted, after which he became best friends with Pinkie Pie. Pinkie took him in as family, which is great, but he’d really like to know what happened to his hive…
The story’s description makes it sound like Pinkie and Surprise are going to travel all across Equestria in search of Surprise’s lost hive. This, as it turns out, is a deception; they only go to two cities. That’s probably a good thing, though, as I’ve seen the kind of nonsensical shenanigans this author can get into with a longer story.
In terms of plot, this is a significant improvement over Converted. We’re not seeing a bunch of stuff that isn’t important to the overarching tale, but instead sticking to the things that matter. Despite the title, this is mostly told from Surprise’s perspective and centers on his desire to know why he was left alone in the woods as an egg. The steps it takes are predictable, but I’ll take that over unrelated historical flashbacks and getting into DragonBall Z-esque fights despite having broken arms any day.
But Shaded Changeling still has a ways to go. They have a poor sense of when and how to break the fourth wall:
You may ask how she knew, in fact I asked myself, she responded with: “I read the other story.”
I suggest more subtlety, author.
Shaded Changeling also still has problems with flashbacks in general. There are some scenes where Surprise is walking down the street one sentence and is in a flashback in the next, with absolutely no indicators that such is happening. It doesn’t matter whether the flashback was necessary or not, you don’t throw one in like that without any sort of transitioning.
My only other issue is that there’s a bit of character inconsistency in Surprise. When the story begins, it is heavily suggested that Surprise and Pinkie are very similar in behavior and even in some abilities. They’re depicted blasting through Ponyville’s market as little more than blurs, for example. That lasts all of one chapter, after which Surprise becomes a “normal” character with “normal” behaviors. So, wait, where did all that energy go? I get that he’s sad, but he’s not going Pinkamena levels of depression here (and even in Pinkamena mode, Pinkie is capable of some weird stuff). So is Surprise a male PegaPinkie or not?
Then there’s the fundamental questions that go unanswered, even when the opportunity to answer them is right in front of us. For example, we know that Surprise’s hive disappeared without a trace. Even the other queens don’t know what happened or where it went, much less why. So when we finally meet Queen Eupha, are we given an answer to this most blatant and important of questions? Nope. It’s waved off as “Oh, we just didn’t like our old location.” Uh, excuse me, but that’s no excuse for disappearing like the lost colony of Roanoke and maintaining a fierce policy of utmost secrecy even among your fellow queens! This is something you do in matters of life and death and worldwide destruction, not “the roof was leaking.” And yet we’re just going to ignore this obviously important topic like it doesn’t exist?
Top all that off with consistently poor grammar and this still doesn’t get a pass from me.
But again, I must emphasize that this story is a big improvement from its predecessor. Maybe that’s because of its shorter length, but even that in itself is a sign of improvement; Converted went all kinds of wrong specifically because the author allowed the story to expand beyond what it needed to be. Shaded Changeling didn’t let that happen this time, so well done there, author. This might not get a good rating, but it’s always nice to see someone improving.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Converted — Needs Work
Stories for Next Week:
The Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo by defender2222
From Equestria with Love by MagnetBolt
Can I be a friend of the moon? by Twilight Star
hearts, deep in their hiding places, by Nines
A Break in the Clouds by Rambling Writer
Twilight Frankenstein by Forthwith
Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice by Donnys Boy
The Clarity of Darkness by Trick Question
Freeport Venture: More Equal than Others by Chengar Qordath
Broken Blossom by BronyWriter
Recent Review Map:
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TBD
As a Canadian I'll accept this.
Seeing Raging Mouse here again definitely reminded me how I crave for a sequel to Chasing Winter. (I'm not 100% sure but I think it's because of your recommendation that I went to read it, Paul) It's just such a good story, with tons of sequel potential, too.
You're in for some treats next week.
Man, I really need to find time to read more of Ice Star's works
Happy Thanksgiving to you too, Paul! Thank you again for the review.
Heeehee, Paul your comments hare are actually the odd bits out, it seems.
I'm actually confused with what led you to believe Twilight was racist here. Or, at least what she was racist towards. I don't really recall her making any remarks that could be seen as prejudiced to any ponies or other equine sub-species (zebras or whatever). Seeing you call Sombra delusional is amusing too, not just because 'haha I have an author's knowledge of the future content' but considering he was the most truthful character in the story's present narrative.
Yay, one of my original intentions and points of pride in this story still stands out! I can see that there's still a lot to improve, especially in terms of pacing and accidentally going too heavy on some of the indirect characterizations again, but that's not something that can't be repaired. Though, I'm surprised you didn't add some spoilered bits for the mystery revelations and historical texts, especially after having read Autophobia and Tear the Sky Asunder and the like.
I'm just saying, princess ponies and princess ego boy are important.
Aaaaa, I really just need to get around to revision for these babies, but it's going to take a while. I really just have so much on my plate right now and longer stories need the most TLC. It's very anxiety-inducing not to be able to keep up with these reviews, especially when they give clear ideas on what I can improve in, at least for the parts that were intended to come across as they did. (Twilight was always going to come to the false conclusion that Sombra was Starswirl, for example.)
I'd hold off on calling this a definite quirk of my writing; I really only had this for the first two books. You've already added book three to your sequel list (even though it's unrevised) and it feels kinda misleading to advertise the whole series this way.
Don't worry, she's got her own shenanigans to get into.
This is interesting, since you seem to be the odd one out on this take, going by the comments people had for this one.
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If I were you, I'd just stick with the stuff here for now. I've been working on revising, expanding, and just giving my works tons of TLC for print, which can include new chapters. I'll be doing more blog updates and other relevant stuff when I've knocked all the stuff in need of TLC off my list and when my longer stories are due and done with their updates.
However, based on what my readers are still commenting: they still find the stories pretty readable and enjoyable. I'm at the point where I can see they really just need to be brought up to the standards that are required for printing and get a final update.
Eh, fair enough. Glad you still enjoyed it, and thanks for the review!
Thanks for the review, Paul! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. :)
Oh dear. I'd only popped on to see if my stories or profile need a revision and to see if the fandom's nazis have taken over fimfic, but now I'm all kinds of emotional. I'll never get used to seeing folk of any esteem say nice things about what I've done. Honestly, you've given me a good bit to think about.