Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXXIII · 5:55pm Dec 31st, 2020
A Happy New Year to all you good folks!
I know I usually do some sort of Year in Review kind of thing with numbers and stats and all that. Not this year. I’m relaxed, I’m not thinking about where I am vs. where I should be, and I think I like it that way. For now, at least. The only thing I know for certain is that I’m at something along the lines of 1,500 words/day for the year, and am satisfied with that.
My day will be devoted to being lazy, spending time with family (in whatever way I can), and playing video games. In the last week I’ve attended a painting class with my mother, I helped my father build a new ramp so my grandmother can get off her front porch safely, visited with my brother and his (large) family, and even got to spend some time talking to my sister in Japan. And it’s been nice.
Don’t worry, though. Once this little vacation is over I’ll be back to the grindstone. I’ve actually been working in little bits here and there on a new one-shot involving Scootaloo and Apple Bloom. It’s a continuation of a much-beloved series of mine to ring in 2021.
Before I shut up and get to the reviews, I just want to reiterate how much I’ve enjoyed being a part of this community. I have FIMFiction – and by extension, all of you – to thank for my confidence and ambition as a writer, both of which were in serious trouble when Ifirst found this site more than seven years ago. If I hadn’t been introduced to this place and this fandom, I may have given up on my desires to write entirely.
So thank you. All of you. I hope 2020 treated you with kiddie gloves, and 2021 treats you all like princesses and princes.
Alright, enough of that. We’ve got reviews to get to!
Stories for This Week:
An Apple Sleep Experiment by Magpiepony
Dichromatic by Prane
Dead-Eye Darling by totallynotabrony
Conquering is Easy, Being Conquered is Hard by ChibiRenamon
The Elements of Randomness by Razor Blade the Unicron
Cake Story by Blueshift
Daughter of the Woods by Robolestia
Lateral Movement by Alzrius
A Brush With Fate by RadBunny
A Foreign Education by GaPJaxie
Total Word Count: 748,679
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 4
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
An Apple Sleep Experiment
11,071 Words
By Magpiepony
Damn it, Magpiepony! You were doing so well, but then you had to go and ruin it all at the end!
*ahem*
When Equestria suffers from a severe drought that the pegasi are unable to stop, Sweet Apple Acres struggles to produce the… er… produce they need to stay afloat. Things get even worse when it’s revealed that Granny Smith took out a substantial loan from Filthy Rich, who insists she pay back a debt the Apples can’t possibly make up. With Big Mac fallen ill, it’s up to Applejack to make enough zap apple jam to settle the debt in very short order or lose the farm. That’s why she goes to Twilight. If she can stay awake indefinitely, she can do all the work in time…
This story starts off mostly believable and interesting. It does feature Filthy Rich being uncharacteristically “evil businesspony” than he’s actually depicted in the show. Yes, his EqG counterpart has shown to be ruthless, but the pony has been nothing but on friendly terms with the Apple Family. Still, I was willing to let this slide since it allowed for the story to happen, even if there are perfectly legitimate alternatives the author could have utilized (a banker, for example).
At any rate, the story leads to Applejack drinking an experimental potion despite Twilight’s strong warnings. The potion gives her boundless energy, eliminating her fatigue and even her sense of pain. But then the potion doesn’t wear off. The ongoing side effects and the symptoms of going without sleep for so long take their toll, and soon Applejack is descending into violence and madness.
And this was all great. No, seriously, I was getting into this one. It was creepy. It was disturbing. And, within the bounds of its own story and what we know of the characters involved, it all made sense. Had this been all there was to it, I would have given this a high rating as an excellent horror.
...and then the last two chapters come along, and the whole thing falls apart like a bloody house of cards. You want me to think that Applejack, barely aware of her surroundings, suffering from physical deformities, and constantly hallucinating things that aren’t there, is capable of not only fighting against but defeating with apparent ease Rainbow Dash and Princess Twilight Sparkle? Seriously. Twilight motherbucking Sparkle, Element of Magic, alicorn confirmed to be more powerful than the rest of her kind and Discord combined, well aware of what she was going up against and backed up by the strongest pegasus in Equestria, lost to a semi-aware, magicless, worn-out earth pony. I don’t care that she was hopped up on drugs that made her feel no pain or fatigue, there are not enough ways for me to emphasize the term bullshit.
And then Twilight makes a decision in the epilogue that Twilight motherbucking Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, would never make. Just like that, the story has lost all my sense of unease, and therefore my good will.
It’s a crying shame. Magpiepony had a great thing going, enough that this could have been one of the better horrors of the fandom. Given it’s apparent reputation, I was hoping that would be the case. All Magpiepony had to do was stick to the believable, but apparently that was too hard. It’s not as if the ending would have been any less tragic, so what made them decide to take this inane route? I can only assume the author took temporary leave of their senses. That or they decided to be slavishly devoted to their chosen source material. I have no way to know for sure about that last one, as I’ve not seen said source material, but if it’s true it would at least be an explanation, if a terrible one.
The good news is that it seems Magpiepony has a good enough grasp on the writing in and of itself to manage something worthwhile. Clearly, they can write well. It’s just getting them to write something that makes sense that appears to be the challenge. If an author intends to scare me, the best thing they can do is stick to the bounds of reality as described by the setting in which their story is told.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Pinkie Tales: Saddle Arabian Nights Shaladdin — Worth It
Dichromatic
15,237 Words
By Prane
Alternate Title: Promises to Keep
Iqqel is a young changeling, but that ends today. Today, it and its best friend Cecily will go to the Hall of Names to choose their caste and decide their destinies. And, by sheer luck, Queen Chrysalis has chosen to step down on the same day. A new queen will probably be chosen from Iqqel’s and Cecily’s group, an amazing honor. But Iqqel will learn that sometimes it’s better to forge your own path. Whether the Ancestors will allow it to be so is another matter entirely.
This was a fascinating piece. Seeped in changeling culture, it’s about two friends seeking their destiny and one getting a lot more than it bargained for. The worldbuilding is the primary sell here, and Prane does an amazing job re-imagining what the changelings are and how they function as a society. Such changes include, but are not limited to, ancestor worship, the fact that the queen is always “Queen Chrysalis” no matter what, and changeling eye color indicating their role in the hive.
Is this the introduction of the Queen Chrysalis we know from the show? It’s hard to say. There is no mention of a changeling invasion of Canterlot, and Cecily is an unapologetic brony (if you will), so it’s unlikely this is set after the invasion. There is the distinct possibility that this new Queen Chrysalis is our own endearingly evil love bug, but it’s also possible that Prane wrote this in a completely different time from the show. I don’t mind this ambiguousness, but at the same time I can’t help but feel like at least some of this story is hinting at that, particularly in the character of Cecily.
Regardless, this is a delightful imagining of changeling life. If you choose to ignore that for some reason, the plot in and of itself is pretty good, depicting a lone changeling and her determined efforts to stay with a friend despite the cold, disinterested whims of fate. It’s about rebellion against the norms and changing ourselves for what we hope is the better. More than anything, it’s about keeping the promises we make.
I have nothing to complain about. Fascinating background, a strong but not overbearing sense of scene, and interesting characters round out a story that deserves all the attention it can get. If you’re interested in changelings, a good story, or worldbuilding, this will do it for you.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Dead-Eye Darling
30,796 Words
By totallynotabrony
Well. That was… huh. Okay, then.
In this strange little story, Rarity finds herself transported by a powerful gem to real-world Texas in the late 1800's. There she meets Frank, a drifter cowboy, and gets the gem – her only hope for returning home – stolen by a bandit named Teal Jack. She and Frank join forces to track down Jack’s posse, each for their own reasons.
Before we get started, I should go ahead and note that this story really needs you to suspend your sense of disbelief. For starters, the entire story is predicated by the idea that there’s a comic series in Equestria about human cowboys in a very realistic earth world. You talk about a big coincidence! And somehow, the gem Twilight left her transported her directly to this comic book world. I haven’t even started on the revelation of who the true villains of the story are.
On the one hand, I suppose in a story where we’re looking at talking unicorns gunfighting in the wild west after being magically teleported across dimensions should mean that literally anything is game. But… I just can’t get into that ending and the final villains. It comes completely out of left field, there’s zero explanation for it, and the problem is resolved with shocking speed.
That’s a major part of my gripe about the ending, actually; there’s no staying power in it. Rarity and Frank encounter previously unknown bad guys, slaughter them without breaking a sweat, story's over. What could and probably should have been the most dynamic and dramatic bit of action in the entire story is reduced to a summary. Bad form, totallynotabrony. Bad form.
But it also annoys me that the ending feels completely removed from anything else that happened in the rest of the story. For two-thirds of it we’re led into believing this is all one type of story, and then the genre, the atmosphere, and the style changes completely. It’s like we’re in a whole new reality. Suddenly, all that buildup we were getting from the very beginning didn’t matter anymore, and I did not approve.
That being said, the majority of the story is very good. We’ve got Rarity and Frank struggling to get along, a few short but exciting gunfights, at least one jailbreak, and an ongoing quest set in the ever-entertaining Wild West. Deviating from this was easily the author’s biggest mistake, because what they had going in the first two-thirds of the story was great.
This will likely appeal to anyone eager for some adventure, especially if they’re fond of Rarity. Just be prepared for the story to do a complete 180 degree turn on you near the end and be about something completely different.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Science Fare — Pretty Good
Conquering is Easy, Being Conquered is Hard
26,653 Words
By ChibiRenamon
When Blueblood laughed in Rarity’s face at her confession of love, she did only the most logical of things: go to Tartarus, collect a superpowered magical artifact, and take over Equestria as its new Empress. Perfectly reasonable. A few months later, she discovers that Fluttershy has started a cult and relocated it to Canterlot. That’s odd enough, but things get even more problematic when Fluttershy’s second-in-command, one Twilight Sparkle, proves to be quite the chessmaster.
This was a fun one. We’ve got Rarity as a tyrant, Celestia and Luna engaged in the longest running game of metaphorical tag ever, Fluttershy being an adorable high priestess of eldritch horror, and a mastermind Twilight Sparkle using her considerable intellect to concoct a complex and wicked plan to… make Rarity… fall in love with her? Yeap, that’s exactly what she’s doing. In fact, it’s the whole point of the story.
There are a few things that bother me. For instance, why is it Celestia and Luna – I’m sorry, Nightmare Moon – don’t seem at all bothered by the fact Rarity has taken over Equestria? I get it’s been a few months, but it felt like there was an important piece missing in the puzzle whenever those two were in the room. And we know Rarity isn’t the most beloved of rulers, considering there are assassins trying to kill her and her bouts of marshmelodrama now have potentially lethal consequences for those caught in the near vicinity. I would have liked to have seen the bigger picture, is all I’m saying.
But as long as you don’t care about said bigger picture, you’ll probably enjoy this. It’s immensely entertaining as Rarity plays checkers against Twilight’s 4D chess, to say nothing of trying to guess as the audience what Twilight’s next move will be. The royal trollery, the seemingly endless marshmelodrama, the unusual setting, it all comes together for a nice story set in an AU I would love to see more of someday. And it’s all neatly tied up by an underlying, if volatile, romance.
What’s not to love?
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Even Emvoweling — Pretty Good!
The Elements of Randomness
21,556 Words
By Razor Blade the Unicron
In this story, we are brought back to re-witness The Elements of Harmony, except that the Mane 6 are replaced by completely different characters. I have to wonder if the title indicates that the author literally used randomness to pick their replacements. It wouldn’t be a surprise. At any rate, Equestria is altered just slightly to accommodate the changes, including Amethyst Star being the town librarian (with Twilight’s book obsession), and instead of a dragon as her assistant she gets a breezie named Twirly.
I have mixed feelings regarding this one. It’s a very straightforward retelling, with the “different” six heading into the Everfree Forest to face Nightmare’s challenges. The good news is that the challenges are different from the show’s, although similar in overall effect. I think the only one that didn’t change was the falling cliff. The real question is whether they are more or less effective, which is a mixed bag. To be honest, a lot of the things they went through felt underwhelming, even when compared against what the Mane 6 had to go through canonically.
I am glad that the Mane Six aren’t completely ignored, though. All of them are still around in some capacity – although Fluttershy is merely mentioned rather than making an appearance. It was nice of the author to let us see what they were doing during these events, even if what they were doing had no bearing at all on the overarching story. If this wasn’t a fanfiction where the readers might want to know that, I’d have docked the author for providing pointless tangents, but under the circumstances I think this works well.
It seems to me like the author intended for the story to be very show-like. Events are resolved swiftly, almost as though there was a need to get things done before the 40-minute double episode time slot was used up while catering to a particularly young audience. The result is that things feel rushed and silly more than anything, with little to no impact on the reader. It is not deep, it’s not exploring its themes or the changes to Equestria mandated by the character switch, and it doesn’t give us time to get to know or appreciate the new renditions of the protagonists. This is something you read for a quick bout of silly entertainment, and not much else.
And that’s fine. It’s not what I wanted to see, but it’s by no means a bad way to go about it. All it means is that there’s a specific target audience and I’m not it. The only real problem is that Razor Blade the Unicron badly needs a proofreader. The technical errors throughout this story are a bit too much; I got the impression that while the author has a good grasp of grammar, they don’t tend to take the time to re-read and edit their material before publishing.
Read this if you feel like exploring a twist version of the opening episodes of the show and don’t want any melodrama or depth involved.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Cake Story
18,351 Words
By Blueshift
When Mr. Cake cuts himself while chopping up ingredients, Pinkie goes to clean up the blood. Except she doesn’t find any blood. She finds… jam? And cake crumbs? After much thought and consideration, she comes to the only logical and perfectly reasonable conclusion: Mr. Cake is literally made of cake! All she has to do now is prove it.
Set before the arrival of Pound and Pumpkin, this story is quite the weird one. Each chapter takes on a different tone and manner, which can be jarring but may appeal to folks looking for something different in their stories. The first chapter is full on Pinkie Pie mystery; it’s all about Pinkie going through all sorts of nonsensical trouble to prove her theory that Mr. Cake is made of cake, even getting Rainbow Dash and Twilight briefly involved.
Then you get to the second chapter, and it’s like we’ve descended into horror territory. No, seriously, by the end of the chapter we’ve got demons and outright death. You end that chapter thinking that shit has just gotten real and Pinkie’s about to engage in something truly traumatizing.
Then you get to chapter three, and all the alarm is casually tossed aside to become a traditional show-like redemption arc, complete with the miraculous speech bit (it’s Super Effective!). Which was disappointing. This was not the kind of ending I hoped for.
The end result? I’m… honestly not sure. While I’m not particularly happy with the ending, neither do I feel like Blueshift did anything wrong. On the contrary, the story is engaging from beginning to end, teaches a nice lesson about belonging and family, and manages a pitch-perfect Pinkie. It’s just that the way Blueshift handled the story is so… quirky. Which, to be fair, may have been on purpose.
If you feel like reading something a little different, or just want to enjoy Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie, then this may be the story for you. Just get ready for some extreme swings in mood and atmosphere.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Rise — WHYRTY?
So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish — WHYRTY?
Trixie's Favourite Pony — Crackfic
Daughter of the Woods
22,443 Words
Robolestia failed to provide cover art.
An encounter with a rare Everfree creature leads to questions regarding Applejack. Questions that only Granny Smith can answer.
Written long before we got any confirmation on the identity of AJ’s parents, this story operates under the idea that Applejack is actually a dryad. This discovery leads her to venture with Twilight into the Everfree in search of answers to her real identity.
The biggest takeaway I get from this story is a feeling that Robolestia approached it improperly. When it begins, it’s a fairly interesting bit of mystery regarding what’s going on with AJ and why she can take a normally fatal wound as if it were nothing. Then she’s dryad royalty, we’re entering Yggdrasil, and having a battle of dryad powers for the right to rule the Everfree.
Was all this really necessary? The fact that Applejack is a dryad should be fascinating enough all on its own. What about dryad culture? History? The details of how their unique “channeling” magic works? What does this mean for Applejack in relation to Apple Bloom and Big McIntosh? What does this mean for Equestrian/Dryad international relations?
Or if you really want drama, how about the fact that Applejack can apparently talk to and command animals, particularly of the Everfree variety? Compare and contrast that to Fluttershy’s innate talent with animals. Is there a correlation there? Is Fluttershy also part dryad? How might their methods of dealing with the animals relate? Could it cause some kind of friction between them?
Point is, there are tons of things to explore with this concept. Opportunities for worldbuilding and drama and concept expansion! And what do we get instead? A selfish uncle who attacks AJ because he wants to rule the dryads. No, seriously, that is the whole story. For starters, that’s as cliché an idea as they come. Why is it that every story where a character discovers they aren’t what they thought leads to them being royalty? And I might have even forgiven that if the author hadn’t used it as an excuse to toss all the worldbuilding and dramatic potential this concept had away like so much trash that isn’t worth the time. Hell, we don’t even get to meet any dryads save for Applejack’s uncle! I’m sorry, I thought this Yggdrasil Root was supposed to be some sort of dryad city, so where’s the sweeping examples of their society?
And what Robolestia does give us isn’t all that great. “Hey, you’ve been wandering back and forth through the Everfree for years now with your friends and we never once saw you or even knew you were still alive, but now that you know you’re a dryad we’re going to miraculously find you after you take ten steps into the Everfree. How convenient!”
“Oh, you’re my niece. I can just tell by looking at you. And I’m your evil uncle who killed your mother so he could take the throne. But instead of killing you, her true heir, right now while nopony knows of your existence and you have no idea the grand powers you hold, I’m going to introduce you to the one creature in all of the Everfree who can teach you to unlock and master your powers in under an hour! And while she’s doing that, let me go gather an animal army to kill you right when you’ve figured out how all your powers work.”
“Oh, hey, AJ! Yeah, Celestia here. Guess what? A few decades ago I found this random tiara in the Everfree. Figured it belonged to some royal or such, so here, you can have it! I know, it’s so convenient I personally happened to find your late mother’s royal jewelry in the vast, untamed wilds of the Everfree. What was I doing out there? We don’t talk about that kind of thing in this story.”
Pardon me, I need to bang my head on my desk a couple times.
I’m sure it’s obvious by this point, but I did not find much pleasure in this one after the first, say, three or four chapters. There was plenty of potential in the early parts, but that crashes and burns almost as soon as Applejack and Twilight step into the Everfree. At most, it feels like a golden opportunity lost. It’s a shame, because I think the author is generally capable enough to have sold this story if they’d just focused on the things that mattered instead of making it some “retake the throne” mini-adventure.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Pale Stallion — Pretty Good
A Nice Night For It — Worth It
Lateral Movement
558,342 Words (Incomplete Reading)
By Alzrius
Requested by Alzrius
When Alzrius first asked me to review this, I’ll admit I was horrified. A new story by an author I didn’t know that was already over a million words long and which said author clearly had no intention of actually finishing. For someone like me, that’s a nightmare. But I didn’t want to outright reject the request, so I asked Alrius to point out a good “stopping point”, since I didn’t want to read over a million words of a never-to-be-completed story just to stop in the middle of some ongoing arc. At his suggestion, I read up to chapter 251… which was still a daunting task.
The story ends up being about OC Lex Legis and his girlfriend, Sonata Dusk. Yes, that Sonata Dusk. Why is she suddenly a pony instead of a Siren? Where are her sisters? How did she get away from the human dimension? And why is she dating an asshole like Lex?
All these questions were bubbling through my mind as I started the story. And yes, when it starts Lex absolutely looks like an asshole, his entire personality coming off as nothing more than being mean and looking down on literally every other creature that exists, his girlfriend included. While the writing seemed fine, this alone worried me at first; who wants to read about a pony whose sole identifying trait is being a dick, and not even with a humorous slant?
But as the chapters rolled by and more and more events passed, I grew to understand Lex better. What we find is a profoundly interesting dynamic in these two characters that makes for some really impressive character work on the part of Alzrius. Lex Legis is a character with a brilliantly analytical mind, the kind that would easily challenge Twilight Sparkle. But in return for that brilliance, he takes social skills to a whole new low I didn’t think possible. The result is a pony flawed to the point of grotesquery. This isn’t like that story you once read of the nerd who gets all flummoxed trying to talk to his dream girl, or the geek who finds herself clamming up when she’s in front of a crowd.
This is a total absence of social acumen to a degree that doesn’t seem possible. Lex doesn’t understand that when somepony does something nice for you, you should thank them. When a pony dies, he can’t grasp why they spend their time grieving when they could be doing work to make the situation better. To him, being told that you did a good job isn’t a reward, it’s a waste of valuable time and breath. It’s not that he lacks emotion, it’s that to him emotion should always be held at bay so that logic and action can take eternal precedence. As a direct result, he comes off as cold. Mean. Heartless. Even cruel.
But he’s not. In fact, he has extremely powerful emotions. He simply refuses to let them show or come before his work. This results in a fascinating character to watch. Fascinating and, at times, tragic. It’s almost heartbreaking to watch him try to communicate with ponies, thinking he’s made some grand achievement just in doing so and completely unaware that his attempt has only made everything he’s trying to do worse.
Luckily, he has the world’s best Spokespony to help! Sonata Dusk is… not the brightest bulb in the box, to put it lightly. But where she has none of Lex’s analytical brilliance, she’s a top tier pro at social interaction, reading a crowd, and understanding the emotional needs of others. Indeed, she’s so good at it that she even manages to understand Lex at his most petulant – an invaluable trait when dating him. Sonata is often there to make Lex’s biggest social blunders into manageable crises or even successes, her (somewhat ditzy) charm the one thing allowing Lex to have a chance at achieving his goals.
The endless waltz between the two of them is the core of Lateral Movement. His ceaseless struggle to be understood and make headway, her tireless work to keep his reputation up and his mood pleasant, and the way they regularly confound one another make for an endless supply of entertainment. I was annoyed at first, but the more I saw of their endless back-and-forth issues and resolutions, the more pleased I became.
And all of that is mere background to the ongoing plot. Basically, Lex Legis has been granted total power over the city of Vanhoover. But there have been some… problems in Equestria lately. A recent disaster I won’t detail here has led to the twin cities of Tall Tale and Vanhoofer to face a communications blackout as they are on approach. Lex’s immediate goal is to get to Vanhoover, take control, and implement what he thinks of as his own “enlightened” rule (thereby proving to Celstia and Luna how they’re incompetent idiots who should just cede control of Equestria to him). What follows is a series of – wait for it! – lateral movements where setback after setback after setback keep him from making any progress towards that goal. What kind of setbacks?
Well, that’d be spoiling. But I will note that it seems every new threat Lex and Sonata face is more dangerous than the next. It starts to feel ridiculous after a time. What’s next, will Lex have to enter a chaotic realm between dimensions to do one-on-one battle against Cthulhu with no magic, only one leg, physically exhausted, and using a broken pencil and a straw? I exaggerate, but Alzrius’s ongoing shenanigans with the threats to Lex and Equestria in general are escalating in such a way that it wouldn’t surprise me.
The good news is that Alzrius’s writing chops are up to the challenge. Fights will seem desperate at times, with the situations frequently dire and always made worse before they can get better. At first these thrilling events were dulled by the gradual awareness that nopony was going to die, because in the early stages that was exactly how things went. This started to weaken the edge of the threats. And then, out of nowhere, five ponies – including two I had grown very close to – were dead, finally showing that Alzrius didn’t intend to make this one of those happy-go-lucky tales where everything turns out sunshine and rainbows no matter what.
There are a handful of setbacks. For example, the story drops us right in the thick of things from the get-go, long after a range of clearly important events have occurred, and expects us to play catch up for the first forty-or-so chapters. It’s quite the lurch if you haven’t read the material this story is based on, material that would probably better clarify why Sonata is a pony or how Lex managed to get King Sombra’s horn on his head. All this stuff comes to light in time, but it’s still jarring.
There’s also the fact that this is a thematic crossover with Dungeons and Dragons lore. This by itself isn’t a bad thing, nor would I say it’s poorly implemented. On the contrary, I think Alzrius did a great job with it. Even if you know absolutely nothing about D&D (like me), it won’t get in the way of the story because no prior knowledge of such things is required.
What did bug me was that Alzrius introduces the concept of gods from other dimensions, such as Lex’s matron deity The Night Mare (not to be confused with Nightmare Moon or Princess Luna). These gods are almighty beings who seem to gain strength based on their number of followers. As one who tends to look at the alicorns as the gods of Equestria, I was actually kind of offended when it was revealed that these beings make Celestia and Luna look like toddlers feebly slapping their hooves against an airliner. Worse, one of them has already managed to convert Cadance and the entire Crystal Empire as followers. I found the entire idea nothing short of insulting.
Buuut that’s a subjective complaint. There are very good and reasonable arguments against the princesses being of any real strength at all, backed by Hasbro’s endless and endlessly infuriating insistence that the princesses couldn’t prevent a dandelion from hitting the ground, much less protect themselves against a literal god. So I’ll acknowledge that my disgust at this concept is not something backed by canon, and most people probably won’t react to it in the same way I did. Besides, I got over it after a few dozen chapters, and everything else makes perfect sense within the context of the story’s own canon, so I have no further complaints.
Ultimately, I had a lot of fun with this. It’s a thrilling page-turner of a piece that I looked forward to seeing every day. By now I regret that I have to stop reading, but I can’t let something like this keep taking up space in my schedule. Maybe if Alzrius ever comes to his senses and creates a proper ending, or divides it up into separate stories as it should be. But until then, I will content myself with what I’ve read and encourage others to give it a try. Who knows, you might even start to root for Lex despite his… issues.
As is always true with incomplete stories, I will not be giving this an official rating. But if I were to put it among my bookshelves, know that it would have landed on a high one.
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
A Brush With Fate
22,895 Words
By RadBunny
Requested by Eroticapepsi
Steel Heart, ironically, is a very empathetic and sensitive member of the Royal Guard. So much so, in fact, that he’s noticed something wrong with his Princess Luna. Not wanting to overstep his bounds, he goes to Princess Celestia to voice his concerns. This leads to him being assigned as Luna’s personal assistant, with the specific intent of figuring out exactly what has been bothering her so.
If I had to give this some designation, it would be “teen romance”. True, neither protagonist is a teenager, but the story depicts a very “fantasy” version of the concept. Everything goes perfectly, there’s zero conflict between the characters or in general, and it all forgoes any sort of realism in return for fuzzy feelings.
That doesn’t mean A Brush With Fate is bad. Not at all. I’m only pointing out that it is aimed at a very specific audience. If you’re looking for something direct, this will absolutely do the job for you.
Simple is another good descriptor. The entire story revolves around blushes and teasing. There is little effort made to generate any atmosphere, the author instead focusing on dialogue to keep things moving quickly. This is one thing I would consider to be a flaw, but given the “teenage romance” nature of the whole thing, I suppose it’s fine as-is. I merely prefer my romances more complicated, realistic, and emotional.
The only other major issue I find is that RadBunny could use a proofreader. The most common error I saw was missing words, and while it’s not pervasive, it’s just common enough to be annoyingly obvious.
If you’re interested in seeing Luna get all flighty and fluttery over a royal guard and pursue a perfect relationship that goes off without a hitch, then give this one a go. If you’re looking for something a bit less teen, consider looking elsewhere.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
A Foreign Education
21,335 Words
By GaPJaxie
Sequel to Courtesans
After the Crystal Empire lost a war against the hive of Amaryllis, one of the conditions for the surrender was for CadanceCadence to adopt a changeling to raise as her own daughter. That changeling is Cheval. Cheval loves her adopted family, so much so that she would never allow Queen Amaryllis to take over the empire through her biological heritage. But Cheval will soon learn that some things are harder to escape…
This is a complex story. In a way, the whole thing is outlined distinctly in an early chapter where Cheval attends a class about political theory, particularly in a discussion involving the nature of leadership. As things go on, she is forced to pit her natural changeling instincts against her desire to be a good person. It’s an uphill battle, and not one she can always win. And all of that works in tandem with her relationship with Flurry Heart, a relationship that will be taxed heavily before all is said and done.
Like I said, it’s complex.
It’s made even worse when we discover that Queen Amaryllis is far from finished with her plans for the Crystal Empire.
Topping all of this off is a question regarding the nature of alicorn maturity, which is both an important underlying aspect of the entire story and a fascinating bit of world theory. GaPJaxie posits here that alicorns are mentally locked into the mental state at which they ascended. That means Twilight will always be a struggling sixteen-year-old who can’t seem to hold onto the lessons she learns, having to rediscover them time and time again. It means Cadance will always be the over-loving and forgiving individual that other rulers can take advantage of, because she can’t learn her lessons and become a great leader.
What does it mean for Flurry Heart, who was born an alicorn and is actually aging? Ah, but that is another important underlying aspect of this story.
Again, it’s complicated.
GaPJaxie weaves a fascinating story where there aren’t any heroes or villains, only creatures struggling to be their best selves and do what they feel is right for them and their loved ones. Sometimes they succeed. Sometimes they fall. And occasionally, as this story so eloquently but tragically makes clear, some fall hard.
This is my favorite of the series so far. It ends with startling abruptness, leaving me with a ton of questions that I absolutely want to have answered. This might have left me unsatisfied were it not for the two sequels available, which I absolutely will be reading. This may be the best story I’ve read by this author yet, and I’m looking forward to more.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Siren Song — WHYRTY?
Would It Matter If I Was? — WHYRTY?
The Third Wheel — WHYRTY?
Courtesans — WHYRTY?
I Forgot I Was There — Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week:
The Celestia Code by iisaw
Prismatic by FloydienSlip
Vice Principal Luna Has Pretty Eyes by Quillamore
Searching For Starlight by NeverEatTheLemonsAlone
Dazzle's Poor Career Choice by Eyeswirl the Weirded
The Two with Good Taste by taterforlife
The Phoenix Festival by Trick Question
Power Ponies: The Storm Unleashed by Darksonickiller
"The Great and Powerful Trixie does not cuddle!" by The Bricklayer
A Glimmer of Hope in the Black by Flashgen
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Oh that was lovely!
Thank you so much for the positive review, and I can't wait to hear what you think if the other stories in the series. The last two stories in the series were certainly controversial when I wrote them, but I think they've aged well, and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. :D
Cheval did a very bad thing.
Thank you for the review. I appreciate your time for the feedback.
Dichromatic is amazing. That is all.
Are you going to review that bad fix fic Rainbow Double Dash made of Foreign Education?
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I don't think I've ever seen a story on this site that prompted more animated discussion, positive or negative, than A Foreign Education. Which is its own kind of praise. While I'm of the mind that the beginning and ending of the Third Wheel series were the high points, I can see why Paul appreciates this act for its themes.
Thank you so much for your review of Lateral Movement! I'm absolutely thrilled that you enjoyed it so much (save for my grumpy insistence that I will finish it; it's just that, even with regular updates, there's still a lot I want to do before the story ends), and I'm deeply appreciative that you had such nice things to say about it.
Hmm! I seem to recall having read a story with a changeling named Iqqel! No doubt why that fic is on my RIL. :D
nopenopenopenopenope
Hope you enjoy Glimmer of Hope, that was just as good as its predecessor. :D
Only one I've read is "Lateral Movement," and boy, do we disagree on it. I didn't read the whole thing, either, and maybe the problems I had with it got mitigated later on (I read about half as much as you). You didn't find it disorienting to be thrown into the middle of things, but I was constantly exasperated as to why Celestia and Luna thought it would be a good idea to grant this guy any sort of dominion, so I was constantly left wanting as to how the situation even got this way. They weigh in once to vaguely say they've got their own shit going on, then disappear again. Likewise with what possible romantic interest Sonata could have had in him. We're just expected to accept they're a couple without any demonstration of why. It's certainly possible the story this is a sequel to goes into all that, but the author's claimed that this stands alone perfectly well.
It sounds like you felt the story did have a strong sense of direction to it, but it never felt that way to me. Lex has this stated goal of wanting to expand his rule to all of Equestria (which, again, doesn't seem to trouble Celestia and Luna at all because reasons), but through what I read, barely any motion was made at all toward that goal. And not because he's trying and failing to make progress—more because he's just putting it on hold to deal with other things. For a quarter million words. After the fight with the dragon, even those tangential plotlines didn't go anywhere for some time, and it felt utterly stagnant to me for many chapters afterward.
To more technical matters, it's written in a limited voice but lets the perspective float around freely. It bugged me how telly it was, and not just in the normal ways, like outright saying someone is confused. It will have them believably acting confused, then still bluntly say they are, then explain to you how you can tell they're confused by pointing out that behavior that was already mentioned. I felt like I was having my hand held a great deal of the time. There are occasional but regular problems with misplaced modifiers.
Chapter 26 pulls something that's almost never a good idea, and that's catching the reader up on action by having two characters discuss something in a very wooden, expository fashion to summarize important events rather than, y'know, actually letting me see them.
Chapters 32-33 do another thing that's rarely a good idea, which is: if a character is in a story for more than a sentence, then it's worth using their perspective at some point. If there are important revelations that only that character's perspective can show, then by all means, yes. But that wasn't the case here. We learn irrelevant and inconsequential things from several different characters' viewpoints, and learn them multiple times, as many of these characters go over the same overlapping information without adding anything new to it.
Chapter 45 does another thing that's rarely a good idea, which is: having the narrator, which is in a character's perspective, withhold crucial information that character knows without ever giving the character any motivation to avoid thinking about it, just because it's narratively convenient and creates artificial tension to do so.
Though as you say, there clearly is writing talent here. These are interesting characters, and despite stylistic/mechanical issues, the sentence construction flows well, so that it never felt like a chore to read. I just found myself way too in the dark for not having read the source material (for my purposes, the story needed to stand alone well, and the author says it does), and it's a great example of wishing the author had gotten some help ironing out those problems with perspective and telliness back when it was only a few chapters long. That saves both editor and author a lot of time, and at some point, the story gets long enough that the author will no longer be willing to go back and edit those things. Better, then, to learn early on to avoid making those mistakes.
Heyyy, thanks for capping off 2020 with a nice review!
I suppose it's fair that I could have elaborated more about how well/badly/horribly Rarity was as a ruler, but between the time constraint and my horrible tendency to get lost in details, I had to leave some things up in the air.
For what it's worth (and I fully acknowledge that Death Of The Author is a thing, so this should just be taken as one possible view), Rarity was mostly just drunk with power and not full-on evil tyrant. She prolly did several vastly unpopular things, but nothing devastating. And the sisters probably had contingency plans (like poison, or an assassin who wouldn't try to burst in through the front door) in place if they REALLY needed to get rid of a twenty-something year old mortal fashionista with artificially inflated magic powers. But again, this isn't explicitly stated in the text, and some of it prolly should have made it in, so... fair.
Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to read and review this!
Thank you for this glowing review of my story - if that’s not a great way to kick off a new year, then I don’t know what is.
Changelings definitely have a special place in my heart, and from when we first saw them I always believed there could more to them than just being able to smash their faces into magical force fields. Coming up with and discovering their culture, customs, lore behind their race was a great fun - it’s all color-coded, so that’s fun guaranteed for sure!
As for the character of Iqqel, she appeared in a couple of stories (and not only of my penmanship I should say - those are likely the stories PresentPerfect is recalling in his comment above). Not to mention she continues to pop out in various other aspects of my life, so when I have a chance to create a new character for a video game I will often base it off of Iqqel. She has been a draenei priest, a starship captain, a Jedi and more - but always loyal to her Queen.
Thank you for giving me this incentive to re-read my story and enjoy it anew!
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I want to thank Paul for introducing to me Dichromatic and of course you for writing it. For a changeling fan such as myself, the story is an absolute treat, one of the best I've read on this site, I might say. Iqqel is also rapidly becoming one of my favorite OCs. Although you're not creating ponyfics anymore(and I will most probably refrain from reading SoloBrony's Iqqel stories for some stupid reasons), I want you to know that Iqqel will definitely hold a special place in my heart. Thank you again.
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Aww, you’re very welcome!