Chrysalis knows the world is a simple place. There's people who have power, and people who don't.
Sunset Shimmer is about to make things complicated.
Earned second place in Oroboro's Sunset Shipping Contest: Changing Seasons.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 21st Sep, 2012
- offline last seen Wednesday
R5h
"r5h, your story was also weird in that you had like some of the cleverest jokes in the contest and also some of the dumbest" -Aragon
R5h
Joined 21st Sep, 2012 ·
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Good to finally see this published! I think it's the one I've been most looking forward too. You've done a great job capturing Chrysalis and Sunset's personalities, and their interactions are top-notch. Nothing like two villains trying to outsmart each other, and you managed to build up the suspense and the character developments really well.
Good luck in the contest!
To be honest this was hella confusing. Damn me if I understood half of it. Too cramped with things.
Interesting take on a EG!Chrysalis. Well done.
8401045
Indeed. Human!Chrysalis and the Equestrian one are not the same person. They may share some similarities, but they are literally from two different worlds.
Were it possible to give more this more than one like, I'd be spamming that button like a madman. Wonderfully fleshed-out bit of character exploration; comfortably straightforward plot within the confines of the story; extremely satisfying conclusion. Heavens, the only unfortunate things about this is that it leaves one thoroughly hungry for more! Any chance of a sequel?
8400033
Thanks! It was fun writing each one trying to out-think the other, which is an even more fun time when one or both of the parties involved are mind readers!
8400889
I'm curious: which half didn't you understand?
8401045
8401135
Thanks a bunch! Much of the fun in planning this story was in coming up with ways for EQG Chrysalis to be like regular Chrysalis, but still different in interesting respects. For instance, instead of stealing love (which is kinda vaguely defined in the show), she steals magic. And instead of having a biological need for love, she's desperately lonely without even realizing it.
8401766
That's very kind of you to say! Although I am surprised you describe the plot as "straightforward" - I guess that's a matter of opinion, right? As for a sequel, I hadn't imagined I'd make one, and right now I have no idea what it would be about. If an idea takes me, though, I might just write one!
Thank you, all of you, for your feedback!
8401878
Equestrian magic does seem to be drawn to the lonely and the desperate. Twilight, Gloriosa, Chryssi in this story...
8401878
I don't mean it as a criticism by any means, but rather, quite the reverse in terms of a narrative element.
Unity of action is a strength of this piece, and an audience is never left asking why something happens to move along the narrative. By a straightforward plot, thus, I mean that the primary conflict and its movements are always immediately evident to the audience,- we're never left in the dark as to what Chrysalis wants in the first place,- while the narrative/plot movement from the initial 'I need to find out their magic so that I can take it', to the middle point of 'I need to take their powers to rule over all', to the final 'I need to go through the portal to take over Equestria', is written as a very natural and organic development of Chrysalis' own shifting objectives and ambitions over the course of the narrative. The concurrent romance/emotional development,- which is essential for the resolution,- isn't simply a tacked on subplot but one that develops at the same pace as the main conflict and with equal importance. There's no fat here to pad the action;- the narrative is very tight, always relevant, and thus very well arranged.
8402309
Aww, thanks! Honestly, I value clarity in stories very highly as a writer, so it really makes me happy that you said that!
Very nice, I liked it. Very interesting take on EqG Chryssie, quite layered. I hope things will go well for her now.
Wow, calling a burn victim Crispy, that's just... Wow. No wonder she went off the deep end for a while.
8401878
Well what is Chrysalis supposed to be? Like her story. She's a burn victim that discovered magic that gave her shapeshifting abilities out of nowhere and how did she steal magic again? She became Queen of the school by framing people with her shapeshifting powers? Why do people hate her and don't fear her instead? Has she brainwashed her school? Is she a student or not?
I wasn't really sure what to expect from this. I liked it! Good stuff and very interesting.
8403164
Many of your questions kind of answer themselves.
Yes, that is who she is, and that is what happened. The magic stealing is just part of her powers, same as the shapeshifting is.
Yes, that is what the story strongly implies: she used her shapeshifting to get dirt on people.
Why not? I feel both are valid responses.
Nope. If she had they might think differently of her.
She is!
I obviously can't convince you to like this if you're unable/unwilling to buy into the concept, and that's fine: different strokes for different folks and all. I just wanna make sure that, as far as is possible, we're all on the same page. Does this help?
8403330
I can see why you might feel that way: it's an unusual pairing and an atypical way to go about writing a romance, I think. Glad you enjoyed it!
8404206
I'm not against the concept. I just felt like too many things were said in too little space and there wasn't enough time to process it. The idea might be good but the execution was lacking.
I like it, it's actually really amazing work in my opinion, good job.
This was a seriously good read. If you ever do write the sequel, I will absolutely be reading it. Great work!
8404472
I couldn't disagree more. The execution was beautiful. While a lot went unsaid, enough is given that the context can be deduced, and doing so is part of the journey, part of the charm. The story would have been a poorer piece if it were cluttered with exposition.
But you know what they say about opinions.
Loved it and would like to see more of those two, even if this story is already over
Oh God i need more of this.
Very creative, a definite standout in the contest entries I've read so far! The "got your nose" bit was small but genius!
The only negative I can say is that it ended somewhat abruptly. There was a lot of potential for the Chrysalis army that wasn't realized, and other than "burn victim" the audience never "sees" the real Chrysalis. And even as far as ship-fics go the romance was a bit abrupt.
All-in-all this could have been phenomenal with a more fleshed out climax, but it was still very good.
8408668
That's what I'm sayin'! But eh. Can't win em all.
8410846
8412161
Despite my expectations, I actually kind of have an idea for a sequel. Not sure if it's actually gonna happen, and I'm still in the concept phase, but maybe!
8413058
Thanks! I'm glad you noticed the nose joke, but I'm curious: did you get the one about Mr. Racks?
I think I can see why you might feel it ends abruptly. The army doesn't do very much, to be fair, but then again it's not really the point. And yeah, we don't see much of true-form Chrysalis, but there wasn't really a natural place to describe her, at least not more than the flashback did (briefly). As for the romance being abrupt... well, I don't know about that. They're on their way to their first date at the end, so it's not like they went to being married all of a sudden: I tried to keep it gradual and believable.
In any case, I'm glad you enjoyed it so much!
That was a great story. I love your interpretation of Chrysalis. Although, I did find it a bit confusing and hard to read a times, but I think that's partly to do with the fact I struggle with present-tense first-person stories.
It was Chrysalis and Sunset that sold this story. Their interactions were great. But I felt the sudden jump to romance at the end was a bit rushed and out of nowhere. Why did Chrysalis suddenly kiss her?
But overall, I really enjoyed it. Good job.
8421050
Glad you liked em! And I guess what I'd say is: Sunset is the first person Chrysalis has had any sort of healthy human relationship with in, like, a year. Chrysalis is really lonely and starved for affection, and she also finds Sunset attractive, and when Sunset not only reciprocates the affection, but says she finds Chrysalis attractive as well....
La rakonto estis bonega! Mi amis la karakteron disvolviĝon kaj la vojon, kiun vi transiris inter scenoj! Via priskribo faris min feliĉa kaj mi esperas, ke vi faru bone! Certiĝu, ke vi ne metu la saŭcon en la kuŝejo!
8433268
Wow! I've never gotten a comment in Esperanto before!
Unfortunately, I can't understand Esperanto, but fortunately, Google Translate (kind of) can! Let's just see here....
Aww, thanks! Though I'm not sure if the last sentence got translated correctly.
Well, congrats, this version of Chrysalis may be the most terrifying villain I've seen in the EqG world. And that includes Equestrian Chrysalis and a vampire Principal Cinch.
8436777
Why, thank you! That's certainly not a compliment I was expecting, but I can see why she might be frightening. Being able to incriminate someone for things they never did is a scary thought.
8437544
It's not just that. Shapeshifting is terrifying, but I'd trust a megalomaniac queen of the swarm over a mentally abused, hormonally imbalanced teenager any day.
This was a very enjoyable read. The shapeshifting meant that it took awhile for me to get used to the fact that everything was actually being narrated by Chrysalis, but you did use the mind-reading to good effect to let us peek inside of Sunset's mind. Really, the point of view gels well with the contents of this story, since it was constantly shifting, but always Chrysalis in the end.
I suppose I'll chip in and say that I agree with the other comments that have said that the romance felt a little abrupt. I get why Sunset would pursue the idea of reforming Chrysalis, because that's a big part of her character. Going from that into wanting to go on a date with Chryssy? Well, I suppose nothing's stopping her, and I guess she might not realize how potentially bad an idea it could be to start dating Chrysalis while she's still in an emotionally compromised position. Also, Chrysalis as a burn victim? I can totally dig it.
So, well done. It's not as sweet as I normally like in my shipping, but it certainly brings enough other stuff to the table for me to consider it easily worthwhile.
8442969
Interesting points, to be sure. I can see why the PoV might be a little unclear sometimes, though I did try to make it as clear as possible what's happening at any time. The mind-reading is just great fun to write, because I can really play around with the presentation and it's such a neat, direct way to get into a character.
I'll admit, figuring out why Sunset might be into the idea of going on a date with Chrysalis was a tough part of writing this story. Part of it is the cold they share, which means it makes sense for them to be in close proximity for an extended period of time with no one else around. But as for what Sunset likes about Chrysalis?
What I eventually settled on, and tried to write, is that Sunset genuinely enjoys Chrysalis's company. She enjoys her wit, which is a bit sharper than that of most people she's usually around. She knows that Chrysalis has good in her, and wants to bring that out. Of course, they share the whole "took over a school" thing, and a lot besides that. Oh, and she finds Chrysalis physically attractive.
Chrysalis as a burn victim was one of the first things I thought of, as a way to make Chrysalis's skin dark and have holes in it... or at least pockmarks, I suppose. Thus she'd be physically similar to regular Queen Chrysalis.
I'm glad you liked it!
I do like me some ambitious concepts, and this EqG reinterpretation of Chrysalis was a great one. The burn victim thing, the way you used her shape-shifting, and her additional powers were all fantastic, to say nothing of the character interactions. Also, yes, I caught that low-key Thorax. Nice work. Though, I do have to agree with the general criticisms about the romance. It made sense, but it just felt very secondary to everything going on, like you could just make them friends and the story wouldn't lose anything for it. But if that's my biggest complaint, then that indicates good things for the rest of the story.
Overall, a very strong piece. Not surprised it ranked so high.
8538539
So, first of all: YES! Someone figured out about Thorax without me having to tell them! I have been waiting on that for two months. Thank you!
Second of all, thanks for the high praise! I kinda get where you're coming from about the romance not being as strong—I had a doozy of a time figuring out how to sell it, and I ended up not including a scene that might have sold it harder for wordcount reasons. Oh, well, lessons for next time. And I'm glad you enjoyed the interpretation of Chrysalis in particular: it was a lot of fun to figure out an alternate version of her.
This needed to be at least twice the length, but hot damn did you make a fantastic EQG Chrysalis. :D
8553393
Thanks! I had a word count maximum, or else it might well have been longer. Oh well!
What went horribly wrong, exactly? I don't see any grammatical errors.
8553492
...Oh shit, I swear that "I'm" was not in there the five times I reread that sentence, including one just now. D: Nevermind!
This lingered on my Read Later list for far too long. Awesome adventure, great chemistry, and overall a most engrossing read. Thank you for it; I'm glad I finally read it.
8734197
Glad you enjoyed it! I think it's one of the best things I've written, and the chemistry was super fun to devise.
You can has review!
8798046
Wow, man. I could hang that review on my wall like a diploma. Thanks a million for the glowing praise!
If you're interested in seeing more of my stuff, like you implied in my review—well, here's some more!
8798920
No worries, I already selected Missing Equipment as my next story to read by you! It'll take me a while to get to it, though...
...I haven't seen EqG 4 or any of the shorts, so I can't comment on EqG canon in here.
This had a unique feel that was present in some of the longer entries I've read, and the first person narration was a great move. Not enough stories use first person. I can't say much in the way of technical writing (since that part is kind of a yawn to me) and rarely does it have any impact on how I enjoy a story, but I didn't see any errors. Your action and pacing through the bulk of the story set up good intrigue, and Chrysalis in this world had a nice way she fit into this world and how she interacted with all her underlings.
But things did sorta... fall. Towards the end of the story, after we've established Chryssi as a true villain, with villain goals, a nasty disposition inside and out, and most importantly - a lack of empathy and some low-key sadistic manipulation behavior (she's much like the brutal bug queen she parallels in this regard)... and then things change... but not in any very good or reasonable way that seemed to be matching what you've built up?
Chryssi is able to feel the thoughts of those around her, and at her 'kingdom' no one likes her. This is something that didn't feel like it would be reasonable for her not to know at the start of the story... and it certainly appears to be something she likes. Chryssi enjoys hurting others and bending them so that they submit towards her, and all this is clear in the story. However, once she gets to the point where she can feel the dislike (and it's mostly just dislike) of those around her, and read it and use it... she freaks out because she made them feel bad. It doesn't work, especially considering that's part of what her character thirsts for throughout bits of the story. The moral that gets shoved in of being empathetic falls flat, as does Sunset's attempt to relate to Chryssi, who still is only so similar to pre-reformation Sunset. It feels kinda silly and sugar-coated, because there's nothing to show Chryssi as having anything that warrants a reformation or anything of any kind. It's very much a reformation for the sake of reformation (not that MLP hasn't fallen to using this too), and I have to say, that this is the flaw of the story, where it really feels like it wasn't itself.
As for the romance? I like that it wasn't really overt. I had anticipated this being a slightly more sinister thriller with some darker bits of a sort of 'Fo Yay!' type romance (one that was likely one-sided) throughout the story. To some degree, yes that was there! However, because of the route chosen to establish it towards the end of the story, it feels like it fizzles out towards the end.
Overall, this was a story with great buildup and a solid villain protagonist, but you have the rug pulled out right from under the established story, so that the character development is fairly nonsensical as things progress, and the story's moral (Which I'm not sure it needed?) feels cheap.
This was awesome
That captured the essences of Chrysalis, Sunset, and EqG. And a cold.
...oh its over?
Against all odds (I don't like first person and wasn't too enthralled by an EqG Chrysalis) I somehow kept reading and somehow everything got more and more fetching. So now, after I've read it all I think the story is pretty brilliant. Things like these sometimes happen.
10115695
I'm glad my writing was strong enough to entice you! Thanks for the comment!