Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXXIV · 8:17pm Oct 15th, 2020
Not much news this time, folks. I’ve been reading excessive amounts this past week in the hopes of gaining a four-day lead before the end of the month. It has interfered a little with my writing, but I’m willing to let it happen if it means I get four uninterrupted days to scare my cousins around Halloween.
I also learned that all my preparations probably won’t be enough to see me through to February on my Reading Schedule. Those 70k+ stories are just taking up too much of my weekly wordcount. I’ve come to accept that I’ll have to read a little more than usual regularly for the next few months in order to maintain my regular review schedule. But I’m okay with this; it’s only temporary, and maintaining the schedule means I cut my RiL to a manageable load much faster.
That’s all I’ve got. Rather slow week. How about we do some reviews?
Stories for This Week:
Chicken and french fries by Jesse Terrence
An Unfortunate Reality by RedRandom
The Tab by Antiquarian
I've Come to Talk With You Again by axxuy
Rainbow Dash Comes Out of the Closet by Dreadnought
Ember, Hoardsmelter by Bugsydor
Canine Complications by Wages of Sin
Familiar by Trick Question
There's a Monster Under the Stairs by Grimm
Sisters by Dusk Melody
Total Word Count: 92,069
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Chicken and french fries
1,601 Words
Jesse Terrence failed to provide cover art.
Rarity warned the CMC never to go into her basement, as there is a dangerous monster in there. Obviously, it’s just something she made up to keep the little balls of chaos from causing any trouble. At least, that’s what Scootaloo thinks. When Apple Bloom dares her to go get proof that this ‘monster’ isn’t real, she goes against Sweetie’s wishes and heads to the boutique to investigate.
I grabbed this one because it was entirely unknown, and that had me curious. What I got was clearly the work of a new author. Especially with the dialogue, which was grammatically wrong in literally every instance it appears.
The story is also simple, the majority of it involving Scootaloo and Apple Bloom arguing before the last 1/5 or 1/6 finally getting to the actual basement investigation. Which, credit where it’s due, made the title of the story amusingly appropriate (if in a really dark way).
This is something the author slapped together for the sake of having something written, and it shows. Still, I won’t begrudge anyone a first try, and there are fleeting moments of entertainment. Jesse Terrence also gets kudos for doing a good job voicing the CMC, each of them, and their collective behavior is spot on. With that specific skill already tapped, the author needs only to fix their grammar and sense of gravitas.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
An Unfortunate Reality
2,852 Words
By RedRandom
With Luna banished to the moon, Celestia decides to visit her father, hoping for a little comfort.
The theme behind this one is “we all have demons”. It achieves this theme by revealing Celestia’s and Luna’s father Helios, who himself has become possessed by a ‘dark side’ known as Babble. The story is, I’m sorry to say, predictable to the point of boredom.
RedRandom tries to fight this inevitability by going into vivid description of the setting, trying to wow us with a dark locale and a brief look at Celestia’s and Luna’s predecessors. This might have been far more effective if it weren’t for the egregious repetition.
With that, she slowly opened the door, another long, creaking groan echoing throughout the room as she opened it slowly. Once it opened completely, she stepped inside.
Yeah, not winning any literary awards here. While this is indeed an extreme case even for this story, the problems continue from beginning to end. RedRandom could really use an editor.
This one neither interested me nor managed to wow with its writing. The story is obvious, and while I’ve seen some stories pull off this theme decently, this one just doesn’t have the presence to pull it off. A shame, really; I came here really hoping to see some interesting worldbuilding and character.
Still, this is an early entry in the writer’s library. I’m willing to try a relatively newer one to see if RedRandom has improved.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Tab
4,091 words
By Antiquarian
In this Memorial Day story, we find ourselves in the Crystal War timeline five years after said war ended. Captain Twilight Sparkle goes to Pony Joe’s, as she does every year, to meet with her friends.
When I heard their uniforms were red and black, two things immediately came to mind. First, I anticipated a twist ending in which we find Sombra won the war. I was proven wrong by that, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand, it would have significantly detracted from the story’s message. On the other, it would have been a pretty interesting twist.
The second thing I thought was that their uniforms must look like this:
Silly, I know. But the image wouldn’t leave me throughout the entire story.
As far as Memorial Day stories go, I like this one a lot more than most. It’s got a message without slamming it in your face, like most Memorial Day stories do. It’s not some boisterous ode to the military, it doesn’t wax poetic about the horrors or heroes of war, it doesn’t devote five thousand words to vividly describing what’s supposed to be a sombre scene. No, it’s just five girls and an empty chair enjoying donuts and friendship like old times, with the implications left hanging until the very end.
As far as I’m concerned, this is what these sorts of stories should be.
If there’s anything that I would change, it’s the ending. I think rather than spelling out the exact nature of what happened, the story could have kept us in the dark. We still know, in principle, what happened, and that’s more than enough. Tacking on that citation quote at the end was the only heavy handed piece in the story. End it on an empty chair with an uneaten donut and full coffee cup. That’s how you hit us, author.
That aside, I have nothing but praise for this one. It’s about as good a Memorial Day story as one can hope to find, approaching the subject with respect without being overbearing in its messaging. I absolutely approve.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
I've Come to Talk With You Again
1,526 Words
By axxuy
Princess Luna attends a party. Now. Back then. Later.
This is a story starring Princess Luna as she attends some elite ‘parties’ at different times in history. While I’m not sure if I’ve got this right, the parties appear to be set prior to her exile, immediately after her return, and sometime after Twilight’s ascension (not necessarily in that order). Each scene offers Luna’s thoughts and feelings, and how they have evolved over the years.
The story is about silence in a time when it is important to speak. It’s about having fears and voicing them. Or not. It’s about the consequences of saying nothing. Knowing this, the title becomes all the more pertinent. It’s a subtle but strong demonstration of how life changes when you only give voice to something. There’s a reason Luna doesn’t offer any dialogue until the end, after all.
I can see some readers being confused or uncertain as to what is happening and why. The more observant may find this to be a treat, though. I for one thoroughly enjoyed it. This is a lesson in how to tell a story indirectly.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Rainbow Dash Comes Out of the Closet
1,996 Words
By Dreadnought
Big Mac and Rainbow Dash are making out in Mac’s room when they are startled to find the rest of the Apple Family arriving home earlier than they expected. Since they’re still trying to keep their relationship secret, Rainbow ends up hiding in the closet while Mac looks for a way to get his family to go away.
What we have here is an amusing little story in which Applejack teases Big Mac and Rainbow Dash incessantly. It’s mostly just some fun at RD’s expense. Although Big Mac does prove himself to be a pretty solid coltfriend throughout. One part sweet, one part humor, all AJ being smug. And who doesn’t like smug AJ?
The only real downside to it is a very brief moment when Dreadnought injects real world politics. Worse, the reference is the kind of thing that really dates the story. Still, it’s a single terrible decision in an overarching act of silly goodness, so I won’t rag on about it.
This is one of those stories you read to get a chuckle and then move on. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Take AJ’s lead and get your smirk on.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Ember, Hoardsmelter
3,383 Words
By Bugsydor
As I wait for Bugsydor to finish Desert Spice sometime in the 23rd Century, I figured I should explore some other of their works in the meantime. In this case, we learn what Ember’s rule over dragonkind really means. More importantly, we learn of Garble’s reaction to it.
This is a story about change and how, with time, even the most ardent opponents can see the wisdom in it. Or, at the very least, decide to stop whining and use the system to their advantage. It is almost certainly meant to be a reflection of real-world progress, and how people can be swayed into what they might call “sin” if you just demonstrate how they can benefit from it (or, at the very least, get so used to it they accept it as the norm). In the case of this story, that's a good thing; it’s bringing communication, trade, and culture to the dragonlands, allowing them to exist in harmony with Equestria for the first time ever. Bugsydor makes no attempt to demonstrate how such a method can be used for corruption, but I suppose it doesn’t matter all that much.
What entertains me most is that I had a dragon do something very similar in one of my own stories. Good to see I’m not the only one who saw the opportunity.
I enjoyed this one. It’s got an interesting theme and gives it to us in a way that isn’t preachy or annoying, merely demonstrative. I particularly enjoyed the prologue, which wittily pokes fun at all dragonkind.
Read this if you’d like some dragon-related mini-worldbuilding with a touch of real-world lessons.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Tastes Like Heresy — WHYRTY?
Canine Complications
38,966 Words
By Wages of Sin
Twilight was, as usual, performing experiments in her basement. Experiments with some wildly unanticipated side effects.
Yes, this is exactly what it looks like. Twilight turns herself into a wolf on accident, and in the process destroys all her notes such that reversing the process will take time, because if that weren’t the case we wouldn’t have a story. It starts off with Twilight trying to adjust to her new body, which is of course that of a predator. Things get complicated, however, when Timberwolves get involved.
The author here makes a clear effort to keep the ‘mood’ of the story “show-like”, which means it can be hard to take things seriously. There’s abundant silliness mixed together with the important bits. I get the intention, but I’m not sure if it worked in this case. It leads to a few weird plot decisions, such as Rainbow Dash shattering Fluttershy’s door because she heard a random noise (and nopony calls her out on it). Or Celestia jumping to outlandish conclusions rather than asking, you know, the ponies who can talk to animals to help, or consulting the mare who she believes was responsible for the Timberwolves’ existence in the first place. Not to forget the Mane Six refusing to contact Celestia for aid the instant all this started (although their worries were justified in the end, if for rather dumb reasons (I knew Celestia was incompetent, but come on)).
Oh, and we have yet another author who treats the flaming Twilight visual gag from the Pinkie Sense episode as a legitimate part of MLP canon and a major plot device. I doubt I need to repeat my disdain for that.
I feel like this is a story that could have been golden, but needs some polishing before it can get there. It relies a little too much on making show-like jokes that don’t fit in with its own setting. It also completely ignores Spike aside from a little note at the beginning brushing him aside forever, and there is no character in the show who would have been more important for a story of this sort. The author also has a really annoying habit of ending chapters on pointless cliffhangers. There are cliffhangers, and then there’s whatever the author was trying to do here.
None of this is to say the story is bad. On the contrary, in many ways it can be very interesting. It has worldbuilding by hypothesizing the true nature of the Timberwolevs that, honestly, is pretty good. That’s a headcanon I’d be willing to accept. It’s got the Mane Six at odds over the situation and one another’s behavior in regards to Twilight. It’s got effective political debates between Celestia and Luna. Some of the events going on in this story are pretty serious, and do well to keep the reader interested.
I like what Wages of Sin was trying to do with this one. It explores territory you don’t often see approached in MLP fanfiction, specifically in relation to the Timberwolves. It has character growth, it’s got adventure, it’s got strong character awareness. It even has a decent overarching message. If the author hadn’t relied so much on trying to copy the show’s style, this would have landed on one of my higher bookshelves for certain. As-is, it’s a flawed but passable adventure that I’m sure will entertain most audiences.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Letter to the Griffon Emperor on the Matter of War — Worth It
Familiar
6,808 Words
By Trick Question
Requested by Trick Question
All Twilight wants is for things to be normal again. Predictable. Unchanging. Familiar.
At first glance, this can seem like an “immortality sucks” story. Indeed, it has some elements of that to it. Yet this one feels more complicated than that, being less about immortality in and of itself and more about the acceptance of loss. The story starts off simple and gradually switches to confusing, then to awareness and, finally, the acceptance. Or something like it.
I have nothing but approval. The story is touching and effectively avoids melodrama. It is a great example of Trick Question’s talent as a writer. I can absolutely see Twilight doing something like this under the (presumed) circumstances. That cameo at the end also came completely out of left field and I greatly enjoyed it, both for the novelty of it and how it was handled overall.
I have no complaints. Which is kind of annoying; how am I supposed to make interesting, engaging reviews if I don’t have something to criticize? Curses upon you, TQ!
But seriously. Give this a read if you haven’t already, it’s great.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Price of a Smile — WHYRTY?
Broken Symmetry — WHYRTY?
Dead and Loving It — Pretty Good!
Back to Normal — Pretty Good
Flash in the Pan — Pretty Good
There's a Monster Under the Stairs
4,994 Words
By Grimm
Requested by anonpencil
Little Derpy’s Daddy says there is a monster under the stairs. It’s big and mean and it eats little fillies. He tells her never to go downstairs. Derpy wants to be a good filly, so she does as she’s told. But then she gets a teddy bear from a nice stallion who visits, and he tells her the bear will protect her from monsters. Maybe, just once, she can go downstairs and ask the monster to be quiet so she can sleep…
This is a unique horror. It is told entirely in the voice of a presumably mentally disabled filly. I say “presumably” because Derpy often seems quite intelligent despite being a child, although she frequently mentions having trouble thinking too much. It may be that she’s older than she appears. Regardless, this is a story about real-world monsters, and the filly who finds herself face-to-face with one.
That’s the primary thing that scares with this story: everything that happens in it could occur in the real world. Well, almost. And being told from the perspective of a child who doesn’t fully understand it all gives the situation far greater weight.
The one catch in all this is the ending, which doesn’t make any sense. There are logical steps to be taken, steps that ensure the happiness of the good guys in the story, but for some reason they are not being taken. Worse, they will get caught, and the fact they tried to hide the events will only make things look bad for them in the future. So I can’t imagine why they chose to do things the way they did. The entire story is within the realm of possibility, so why did they give us an ending that isn’t?
Other than that? This is a great horror story, and one I’m happy to recommend.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Sisters
25,852 Words
By Dusk Melody
Sequel to Accidents
Apple Honey and Cloud Blossom are sisters. They also hate one another. This, however, is mostly Apple Honey’s fault; she was such a problem child that Fluttershy – Fluttershy – kicked her out and had Twilight arrest her. It’s been fifteen years since that day, and now Cloud and Honey have received a letter from Fluttershy asking them to come home because of some nebulous event having come up. Which means the sisters will have to meet again. Neither are looking forward to it.
Two things come to mind with this story. The first is that it’s only a ‘sequel’ to Accidents by virtue of being in the same continuity. This story has absolutely no relation to the prior one beyond a single mention of past events near the very end that might raise an eyebrow. As such, it’s perfectly safe to read this without having read the previous story.
The second thing: it’s like night and day. It may be because Dusk Melody got some pre-readers, but the fact this was released in the same month as its predecessor shocks me. Maybe I was just crotchety when I read Accidents, I don’t know, but Sisters feels vastly better written in terms of emotional output. Whatever the story is behind this improvement, I thoroughly approve.
Yet there are still quirks. For instance, Apple Honey’s opening segment tries to instill in us this idea that she still loathes her sister with a burning passion despite the passing of fifteen years. Yet when she and Cloud Blossom meet, it is Apple who shows remorse and tries to make amends, more or less instantly. So wait, where did all this hatred go? Was she just saying it to herself out of habit? Is everything we’re now seeing a lie and she secretly still hates her sister?
I also don’t care for some of the tangents that keep getting thrown in the way of what literally everyone reading this story is interested in: what happened to Applejack? They get a letter from their mother Fluttershy and get absolutely nothing whatsoever from their other mother AJ, and then Pinkie hints that something terrible has happened, and somehow the sisters never feel even the slightest urge to hurry to the farm? Even though Fluttershy specifically asked them to in her letter?
And there are, of course, the mixed signals. Why the heck is Pinkie acting like someone died while Rainbow Dash and Twilight are acting like nothing is or ever has been wrong? Is Dusk Melody trying to confuse the readers? It works, but not in a good way, because now either Twilight and Rainbow are insensitive jerks who need to go back to Friendship School or Pinkie Pie is an overemotional wreck who might need a psychiatrist.
The extra scenes don’t help. Why are we showing Twilight and Rainbow playing sexually charged games? What benefit at all does this have to the story? You could have skipped both the scenes that are in Twilight’s perspective and lost literally nothing for the story. Ditto for that earlier scene where we jump from Honey’s and Cloud’s fight to the perspective of Applejack and Fluttershy; that too served no purpose. And for that matter, Dusk Melody is apparently incapable of holding the perspective to any one character for more than a few sentences.
Okay, so that’s all out of my system.
The point of the story – the thing that Dusk Melody never should have deviated from as a topic – is the recovering relationship of Apple Honey and Cloud Blossom. To the author’s credit, this is done remarkably well. Every scene in which these two are bonding, rediscovering each other, and rebuilding a bridge long burned down was great. From Apple Honey’s mental condition to Cloud Blossom’s PTSD (?), I thoroughly enjoyed their interactions. It was truly the only thing I cared about in the entire story, aside from finally getting to why they’d been summoned by their mother. In this part of the story I have zero complaints.
If Dusk Melody could focus the story on what it needs instead of going on so many pointless tangents, I could see some great things coming down the line. Heck, great things might already be here, considering the age of this story and the fact the author is still around producing material. I aim to find out. As for this story, while it’s not the most amazing thing I’ve yet to read, it’s certainly a big improvement over its predecessor, and gives me much hope for this author.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Accidents — Needs Work
Stories for Next Week:
Princesses Over Queensmouth by Ponibius
Grabby by Wise Cracker
Fast Times at Stinky Sugar by PresentPerfect
A Good Sun Day by Waxworks
The Unexpected Sexual Harassment of Twilight Sparkle by cleverpun
Lost Cities by Cold in Gardez
Starlight's Kingdom by Henry101
Queen Scootaloo by officialmjsmith
Jewel of the Everfree by sxcbeast
Cascade! Clouds Above, Obfuscate! by WritingSpirit
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*Sees Lost Cities is next week*
Boy, are you in for a treat.
Heh, 3 stories by TQ in 2 weeks? Did she spam you with review requests or something?
Only one I've read is the Dash comes out of the closet one. I agree, it's predictable fun for some light reading, but what bugged me about it the most is that it really needs a good proofreader.
yeeeees!
I have been waiting! >:3
5378498
It was unintentional, I swear. I would never ask for a review because it would make me feel bad for suggesting my work is worth reading above anypony else's, and yet every week it's like "requested by Trick Question" and I'm all
Basically I noticed that Paul had reviewed a really weird couple of my stories (one even was so poorly received I removed it from Fimfiction), so I mentioned if he wanted to read something that he's more likely to enjoy, and I named a lot of my stories because they are my babies and I cannot decide between them.
But apparently to read them he must review them, which makes sense because that helps me read too.
So there are more to come, I'm afraid. (Two of them even scored as low as a Worth It, so my prediction wasn't perfect.) Also it's been more than three stories of mine he's reviewed in recent weeks; Paul just forgot to update the list of stories he's reviewed for me recently. I think this one is either number five or six.
5378498
5378559
Yeah, this one is the sixth in a short space. The others recently reviewed include Price of a Smile and Broken Symmetry, and not listed are Shoot for the Moon, Motherly, and Winter Heat.
Thank you for the positive review!
Incidentally, the uniforms are pulled from Shining and Candace's wedding, when we see Shining and his groomsmen in Mess Dress. We don't get a lot of details, and so it's a matter of speculation why Shining's is red-and-black while his groomsmen's are black-and-red. I decided to make it an officer/enlisted distinction because that made more sense to me than having them be different branches of the military.
Ow. I felt that metaphorical shin-kick all the way from here.
I totally deserved that, though.
It was great getting your perspective on Ember, Hoardsmelter. All of the stuff you commented on was there in the work, but not all of it was stuff I'd really thought about or done consciously. And yes, a benevolent monarch is great for many of the same reasons that a malevolent monarch is terrible. Fun fact: I wrote the entirety of that fic while experiencing a chronic migraine.
I can definitely recommend reading more of Antiquarian's works, especially his Memorial Day fics (of which there are a decent number). He's just the right amount of thoughtful that I learn things without getting lost.
You and I, both. And I edit for him. I guess I shouldn't say too much, but there is what I would dub "insufficient" progress for my preferences going on behind the scenes.
5378942
Sorry-not-sorry.