• Member Since 21st Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago


"r5h, your story was also weird in that you had like some of the cleverest jokes in the contest and also some of the dumbest" -Aragon

Comments ( 83 )

Godammit R5h.

Though, I'm glad to see stories where Tempest gets to continue being a badass after the events of the movie. Was a little worried about the pendulum swinging too hard towards her reformation.

An exciting and humurous introduction, with an easy-to-follow action scene that does a good job introducing the two main characters. I'll definitely be following this.

Just as funny as the first time I read it. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Tempest Shadow opened the giftbox and stared at the dildo for some time. Then, like usual, she strapped it to her forehead and cried herself to sleep.

I’m dead already.

Good job :rainbowlaugh:

Chief Military Advisor, the right and proper position of a reformed Tempest.

Who knows, maybe she gets hired on to train the Guard in the Sombra timeline in exchange for access to Equestrian medical technology. They have wing prosthetics, after all. What else might be on the drawing board?

The image of Tempest wearing a dick on her forehead is stupid.
The whole concept of this story is stupid.
The fact that this exists is stupid.

But, goddamnit, this is the funniest thing I've read in a while.
In the immortal words of Lord Shaxx, THIS IS AMAZING!

It fused to her head.

It fucking fused to her heada.

...Well, she was kind of a dick in the movie to be honest.




Godammit R5h.

I've waited so long to hear those words, and I didn't even know I was waiting! Oh gosh, there's a tear coming to my eye....
Glad you liked the action scene! As for Tempest still being an asskicker... come on, she kicks ass and I'm not gonna waste that.


Thanks! Humor was definitely a goal.

It's gonna go farther than just fusing, I promise.

... You do realize that just makes me worry more?


I mean, yeah? It's called marketing. :P

I hope you enjoy the upcoming chapters!

:rainbowlaugh: :heart: :rainbowlaugh: :heart: Oh my gawd, what the fuck! :rainbowlaugh: :heart: :rainbowlaugh: :heart:

That was amazing! Tempest is really something else. So, she a dildocorn? :trollestia: Don’t turn your back on her!

“Oh, jeez.”


“This either got really really funny, or not funny at all.”

“I need specifics!”

Rainbow hesitated for a few seconds, and then rubbed her hoof at the cloud beneath her. Her pegasus magic allowed part of the cloud to condense into liquid water, leaving a reflective puddle in the cloudbank.

Tempest looked down at it, and saw the dildo had been melted—fused, even—onto her horn. Little waxy dribbles ran down the sides, toward the base. Her eyes went wide.

Rainbow Dash snickered.

Tempest glared up.


My Exact Reaction:

KKKKKKKKKKKKKKK..... ~le ded ~ XwX

Fun start. Can't wait to see more of it.

Interesting ship and great fight choreography, though I'm nit sure how to feel about Tempest being able to perform magic that isn't explosive blasts of raw, unfocused mana. Especially not without any explanation. That was kind of her driving motivation throughout the movie.

Still, enjoyable, bizarre fun, and a regrettable conclusion of the movie. Though aside from the Wonderbolts, there didn't appear to be a single guard in Canterlot, period.

So, this is a story about a dickhead that goes around equestria screwing with the guard and topping skittles. It doesn't have the Sex or Romance tags, but hell if I'm not reading the dickens out of it :rainbowwild:



Interesting ship and great fight choreography, though I'm nit sure how to feel about Tempest being able to perform magic that isn't explosive blasts of raw, unfocused mana. Especially not without any explanation. That was kind of her driving motivation throughout the movie.

At the risk of making a pun, I'd have to say I dropped the ball on that one. Don't get me wrong, I did try to take it into account:

Tempest grabbed a few more clouds in her telekinesis and yanked them down, including the one she stood on; they zoomed downward erratically, creating a series of platforms below the main cloudbank.

The implication here being that she has no fine control over where the clouds end up, which oughtta fit with her magic being wonky.... And then, only four paragraphs later, I forgot and did this:

Tempest grabbed the kickball in her magic—her nose crinkled as she smelled something burning, but she paid no mind—and it spun around her in an ever expanding circle at high speed, a circle that threatened to strike Rainbow Dash.

So yeah, that was an unforced error on my part. In my defense, I wrote this in like three hours, and I promise to shanghai in an explanation - I kind of have to now.


So, this is a story about a dickhead that goes around equestria screwing with the guard and topping skittles. It doesn't have the Sex or Romance tags, but hell if I'm not reading the dickens out of it :rainbowwild:

Yeah, that's mostly my bad. I didn't 100% know where this story was gonna go when I published this chapter, so I left the tags off... but now that I have a clearer idea? I've just added them now. Thanks for the reminder!

It was actually pretty nice, even if my favourite moment was her crying herself to sleep and beating Rainbow Dash.
Like usually I slightly disliked the shipping because I haven't exactly seen how they got together and every Tempest story seems to skip the moment that possible happened after the party. However I liked Tempest keeping her dominace appearance in the last sentences, just because I view her like that.

To be honest I hope since there seems an easy way to remove it, I hope that she doesn't keept the dildo and that the story is kind of about her getting several replacements for her horn like in the picture with Pinkie. I kind of liked the comedy aspect of her being overdramatic because of her horn.

That was cuter than it had any right being. They are SO going to get happily ever after married by the end of this :twilightsmile:

After plenty of sexy shenanigans, of course! :pinkiehappy:

I love this. The back and forth banter between Rainbow Dash and Tempest really sells it.

Tempest is great on her own, too, because she's so tightly wound and has absolutely no idea how to properly express what she's feeling or really understands what she wants, and that's captured here pretty well.

I'm looking forward to your serious take on absurdity with bated breath.

“Good. You’re grating, I don’t like you, and I think you’ll be superfluous to this mission.”

Rainbow knows what that means? Wow, I guess those Daring Do books really ARE teaching her something. :rainbowlaugh:

“I’m known for being blunt.”

Ah, I see what you did there. Emily BLUNT. :facehoof:

OMG, that was hot, sexy, and cute all at the same time.

before Pinkie had pulled her over for her 24-carrot idea.

But seriously, great pun setup 10/10!

And it seems this story has more than just good jokes; it has some substance to it.

Like Dash being genre-savvy pointing out that just because Tempest’s combat level is over 9000, repeatedly smashing ponies into the ground (who probably have like 90% of their training devoted to fighting wild beasts, disaster relief, and ceremony, but only 10% to fighting enemy warriors) isn’t going to magically make them better.

Obviously the banter is very strong.

The one negative for me was that Celestia sounded a little off. Honestly though, that’s probably just my head canon or something imposing itself, rather than a legitimate criticism.

Sure, on the Storm Troopers, maybe!

I regret that I had even the smallest bit of input in this story.

Just kidding, this was great. The dialogue between Rainbow and Tempest really worked, and the gift progression worked better than I initially imagined it would. I eagerly await the next chapter. Cheers!

The bits with the kids were brilliant.

I expect my royalty check tomorrow.

“Oh my Cadance, are you?”

Tempest shot her a look. “Cadance?”

“No one ever swears on her. I feel like she gets left out.”

:rainbowlaugh: Brilliant! I like it.

Also, as weird as this story has already been, that is a weird direction to take things... :rainbowhuh: Your characterization is amazing though, and if for nothing else, I would stick around just for the interactions.

This chapter is oh so quotable. But undoubtedly, the what the heck prize goes to

Oh my Flurry Heart!” Dash blurted, 

While giving a hoof/horn job... And servicing herself.

And hey, Tempest is NOT lying when she says it's a prothesis, after all! :pinkiecrazy:

If only Tempest Shadow knows about Flurry Heart.

I'll be honest.

I did not see that coming.


Well this is .... getting stranger.....

And the door didn’t catch fire, or explode, or go flying through a wall or anything.

Ah, the wonders of extremely low expectations.

Under normal circumstances, Tempest might have taken this as a challenge. This time, however, she just cocked her head (for the second time that day) and said, “You need balls to cum?”

Rainbow whistled. “Wow. Your sex-ed sucked.”

No kidding. Where did she go to school, in the U.S.?

This chapter raises an interesting question: namely, does Tempest want her magic back badly enough that she's willing to spend the rest of her days with a literal and fully functional penis sprouting from her forehead?

I'm sorry, but it's very hard for me to imagine that Tempest would be enthusiastic about getting a hoofjob right after Rainbow cut into her deaddick. I can't imagine how much that would sting.


I write fics, not royalties. Thanks for the input, though!

You know, it's quite possible! I guess you'll have to read and find out.

Good point. But eh, it wasn't a deep cut. And Tempest is no stranger to horn pain, after all.

Wait, I'm confused. So did that melted dildo somehow become a part if her body now? Because if so, it makes absolutely no sense. It's plastic, Proteins or cells. It's impossible, even with magic to somehow change the molecular structure of plastic which, not only completely rewrites the structure of thr plastic or even its composition but, to form DNA compatible to that pony.

The only reason I see is that the horn is, for some odd reason, growing again through the plastic, and Rainbow Dash just so happened to cut into it. If it isn't that the I don't know what it. Well, it's either that or I'm just over analysing this.


You're absolutely right. However, this is what you're absolutely right about:

I'm just over analysing this.

Tempest has a penis for a horn. There might be some pseudo-logical underpinnings, but for the most part? Just roll with it, bro.


I mean, they did. Dash let out a very inappropriate swear as she watched it. :P

Well, that did come head on alright :rainbowlaugh:

Rainbow Dash in a panic tends to think in straight lines. Who knows? Maybe Tempest will regain consciousness only to find she's an egghead now, thanks to Dash's attempts at first aid.

I heard R5h talking about this story on the fimfic discord... high hopes

SEQUEL please i LOVE wrestling please make this this happen

Now that was a plot twist I never saw coming. I like it.

Cumming cerebrospinal fluid? Holy damn, THAT is a mindfuck :rainbowwild:

Rainbow's not!confession was just too cute :rainbowkiss:

This so needs a sequel about their lives in the pro wrestling circuit. And their marriage. I so want to know how would they do it with a party and guests without ever saying it :rainbowlaugh:

I can't believe someone actually turned a dildo cum prosthetic horn joke :rainbowwild: into a serious, feel-good story about recovery and happiness, and without making it a sex-crazed romp... What. The. [Language, mister!] :rainbowderp:

I legitimately don't know how to feel about this. Like, I want to share it, because it's both very good and still straight up a crack-fic. But it's also more vulgar (lewd? indecent?) than some will tolerate.

This weird dichotomy is what really makes it stand out!

“The point is,” Rainbow Dash said, as they rounded a corner and entered the wide courtyard, “don’t expect us to be besties anytime soon.”
“Good. You’re grating, I don’t like you, and I think you’ll be superfluous to this mission.”
Rainbow raised her eyebrows. “Wow, that’s blunt.”
“I’m known for being blunt.”

Emily blunt

There was a lot I liked about Tempest’s characterization in this wacky story.

You need testes to father a child, but a eunuch—while tending to have a relatively low sex drive—is quite capable of orgasm and ejaculation. The bulk of semen is produced by the prostate and Cowper's glands. Of course, dear Fizzlepop is quite lacking of those as well, but...


Yeah, thanks! It was a fun balance, because on the one hand it's not really about Tempest having a dick on her head, it's about recovery and feeling aimless and all sorts of stuff... but on the other hand it is absolutely about Tempest having a dick on her head. And if you still wanna share it after that, I'm not gonna object!

Great! What were some of the things you liked?

Ah, whoops! My bad. It's been a while since my sex ed classes, it seems.

Well for starters, I like how her life as a soldier seems to have left her with difficulty communicating with others in regular circumstances (or maybe she is just blunt).

I like that she shows a degree of respect for Equestria’s princesses, even if she does not consider them her own. But at the same time, she hasn’t “rolled over” while seeking redemption.

What I like the most, though, is that she kept Tempest as the name she and others know her by. Not the name itself, but what it says about her identity.

Author Interviewer

Hey guess what I'm reading.

We're off to a great start. :D

Login or register to comment