Having known her for her full time in Ponyville, Berry Punch could say a lot of things about Twilight Sparkle, starting with how enough booze to loosen her up would be irresponsible to give to a unicorn that powerful. But Berry had to admit, Twilight always learned from her mistakes. Sometimes that meant making daring new ones, but she learned.
Berry's own mistakes, well, nopony's perfect. And apparently the same goes for kirin. You can't blame a mare for being curious.
An entry in the 2021 May Pairing Contest. Rated Teen for substances that S&P wouldn't allow into Equestria. (Remember, Faust wanted to call Berry "Pinot Noir.") Contains incidental comic references.
Chapters (1)
"zebra coffee strong enough to send the drinker back to sobriety and out through the other side"
So the Zebra lands have some trade with the Discworld?
Fucking LOLOLOLOLOL.
Masterpiece!
Bacon Horse's not an alicorn, literally unreadable
Ah, the spirit of friendship. Through booze. Truly a story for the ages!
Berry Punch, the Princess of Booze? Yeah, I can buy that!
oh, that was beautiful! thank you for the story
And thus, the Alcoholicorn was born...
Oh my Gaia. Berry ascending due to figuring out the ultimate unification of booze from around the world was unexpected, but funny.
That pun works so very well.
Oh. Oh yes.
Hmmm. I’m not sure what I expected.
This was absolutely delightful! Loved the worldbuilding, and your writing, as always, was a hoot to read!
10840791
So far as casual observers could tell, the dark brew that had been poured from the flame-blackened ceramic pot into the tiny shot glass had two effects. One, it made the imbiber scream uncontrollably at the top of their lungs. Two, it gave the same imbiber a waiver from any need to inhale, or so it seemed based on the length and continuing volume of the screaming.
Berry Punch looked at the zebra on the other end of the pot, who had the grace to look embarrassed. Over the screaming of the horrified patron she shouted, "AND THIS IS WHY YOU CUT IT WITH MILK AND SUGAR FOR PONIES!"
"ALL DAY TODAY I'VE HAD BUT ONE GUEST!" the zebra shouted back. "AND HE ASKED FOR WHATEVER I HAD THAT WAS STRONGEST!"
Taking a quick look around the booths, Berry spotted a booth offering McColt's Old-Fashioned Water of Livin', in a row of little earthware jugs with cork stoppers. She took one, uncorked it, poured a carefully measured amount into a jigger, and then said, "GRAB HIS NOSE!"
A snout was grabbed, a head was tilted back, and a small amount of clear liquid fire masquerading as "moonshine" went down a throat.
A moment of silence ensued while the afflicted stallion finally inhaled.
And then the screams had words. "WE'RE NOT REAL! NOTHING IS REAL! WE'RE ALL TINY ONES AND ZEROES IN A MACHINE! MILLIONS OF ONES AND ZEROES!!"
Berry snorted. "KILIPONJARO OR SERENGAITI ROAST?" she asked.
"HE ASKED FOR THE STRONGEST THING I VEND!" the zebra shouted back. "SO I SERVED HIM THE BEEFIOPIAN BLEND!"
"BEEFIOPIAN??" Berry shouted. "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT BEFORE!" A slightly smaller amount of moonshine was poured out, and shortly after poured in. The screaming stopped, leaving behind a trembling, panting, weak-kneed stallion left to lean on his friends.
"Nothing else but water for him the rest of the day," Berry said. "But tomorrow, once he's back on his hooves, let him get as drunk as he likes. He'll need it."
"And that'll cure him?" one of his friends asked.
Berry shook her head. "No, it'll just keep him stable," she said. "But there are some things that just can't be unseen, no matter how much brain bleach you use."
"Er..." Another pony raised a hoof. "Was he right about the... er... the ones and zeroes thing?"
Berry didn't blink an eye. "If you absolutely have to know, ask somebody from Ponyville about the reign of the Great and Powerful Trixie," she said. "But not me."
And with that she took the little brown jug of moonshine and slammed down the remaining contents.
Incidentally, Kirin love Molotov cocktails.
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10841029
The roof of the outhouse crashed to the street and shattered into its constituent wooden shingles.
As ponies gathered to investigate the explosion, they saw a black, flaming figure standing (a bit bow-legged) in the smoking remains of the outhouse, glaring at the world.
The nirik roared, "I WANT TO KNOW WHO CUT MY DRINKS WITH DIESEL!!"
I feel like Twilight will end up spinning this by dubbing Berry the Princess of Multiculturalism. Far better than the more accurate Princess of Harmony Probably Made Me Immortal So I Wouldn't Explode And Get Viscera On Everycreature During A Festival.
That was one fun ride. Looks like we have a new princess. I love how what each vendor sells kind of adds to their culture in a way.
All creatures can find common ground on wanting to get drunk.
A fun little story.
Princess Pinot-Noiria
Princess Pinot-Noiria: Character Reference by BerryPAWNCH on DeviantArt
Well done as usual, FOME.
Anything with Berry and alcohol gets my vote! Alicornication just makes the thumbs up bigger.
berry made a potion outta booze lmao
There's the Spirit of Friendship. And then there's the Spirits of Friendship, a divine mixture consumed only in large quantities by alicorns, the occasional elder dragon, and (once, before Fluttershy made him promise never again) Discord.
It is a supernaturally good mixer, simultaneously blending other flavors while enhancing the intoxication of the beverage, but also reducing potential hangovers. At worst, too much results in sleeping it off and a predilection for lampshading. Straight, it will compliment anything from a steak to a daisy sandwich.
Bottles of the stuff, if not casks are a requirement for all Equestrian diplomatic embassies and especially the parties.
At this rate, you'll turn all of Ponyville into alicorns
10841060
that's kind of what I was thinking. Like it was ascend or explode
This was fantastic! What a great pair! Never doubt a brewmaster when they're in the zone, no matter how ludicrous you may think them to be. And given that we have a Spirit of Chaos, it seems only fitting we have a Spirit(s) of Princess. Spoken backwards because it makes sense when drunk.
10840992
That was glorious.
10841686 "And." The proper conjunction there is "and".
Thousands of years of working to unravel the mysteries of fermentation, brewing, distillation, and mixing have all led to this moment. It is the apotheosis of the mystic arts. Marvelous
Upon deeper reflection and a re-read, I think this:
Is the best line in the whole story, and the whole story was brilliant. You crushed this one, FoME, huzzah!
Both the fic and the comments section are why I love FIMFic so much.
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The big problems come when Trixie herself gets knurd. That's when bits start flipping...
10840835
I decided that Sunset being an alicorn would be too much of a distraction from the main point of the story. Also, it might give away the punchline ahead of time, and we can't have that.
10840854
Berry doesn't have a problem. She can abdicate any time she wants.
10840878 10841327 10841392 10842199
Every pony has some way to get there. The trick is finding the right blend of opportunity and will to follow through.
10840938
I hope you enjoyed what you got.
10840981
Glad you enjoyed it! Sorry I didn't ask you to look it over pre-publication, but that deadline wasn't getting any further away.
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Kirin mixology notes:
Ethanol: Yes.
Octane: Yes.
Octanol: Only if they pay in advance.
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It was the first mushroom cloud at a Worlds' Fair. It was not the last.
10841313
Best pony Dionysus.
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Definitely gives a new meaning to "high spirits," yes.
10841663
No comment.
10842260
Twilight working through an awkward period between "a few inches taller than her friends" and "Celestia recolor" only seems logical. I think this marks her third puberty, and that's not counting trips through the mirror.
10842397
Glad to hear it.
"Legend has it the recipe only works because of the Stream of Silence."
Yeah, because one glass of this stuff and the drinker won't say anything for a few days. May snore a bit, though.
Kirin beer is the only drink that comes with an octane level.
10842432
I understand and agree. Doesn't mean I approve
Lovely story full of zingers of one-liners, and a bit of D&D-ish magic involving alchemists here and there.
But I have to ding you a point for not utilising the obvious 'spirit' of Friendship joke. That's just sloppy.
Seriously, though, good stuff.
10840992 nO yOu ArE aLl ToTaLlY rEaL mEaT pOnEs. IgNoRe ThAt WhIcH cOnTrAdIcTs ThE sTaTuS qUo. 10010100100010101101000101010111001010100100010100010101110100100010101110101001001010100100010101000101011011001111010111101001111000001110101010000101010001111010101010100101010100101010101011101001011100110101011101010100101010101010110000110100011001111101010101010100110010100100010101011111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.
I'm not quite sure what exactly did I just read, but I love every bloody second of it.
this was amusing!
Zymology. People who call themselves "mixologists" invariably don't know a demijohn from a carboy from a growler.
Even wikipedia is wrong.
10840791
were you thinking?)
10840992
Worth bringing up that this doesn't even require actual trade, just the high levels of background magic interfacing with African stereotypes (dear Faust: a witchdoctor who speaks entirely in rap, and her debut episode was about racism. What the
10843272
Is "very strong coffee" an African stereotype? I think it's more of a Turkish one.
Yeah, Zecorah is a bit troublesome, although I'd say the episode with Buffalo standing in for native Americans was worse. They never did show us her homeland, perhaps fearing they couldn't pull it off without being cringey in some way (although the comics, IIRC, tried to square the circle by showing it as not so much an African country as a place where everyone was stripey.
)
10842648
If the bartender asks you "Regular or unleaded?" you may want to find a different bar.
10842797
Goodness knows the comments covered that for me.
Sloppy, or avoiding the obvious?
10842861
I am deeply disappointed that this binary doesn't seem to translate into anything.
10843231
And Sunset, being a moderately well-behaved quasi-teenager, does not know any of those from the others.
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I do feel the need to point out that "Bridle Gossip" wasn't about racism but individual-level rumors. The ponies didn't hate and fear Zecora because she was a zebra; they hadn't even heard of zebras until Twilight explained that. They hated and feared her because she was a weird loner who lived in the eldritch hellwood on the outskirts of town and may well have been a serial killer. (Not that they could've said that last bit, especially not in Season 1.) We wouldn't get racism analogues until Chancellor Neighsay (or, arguably, Garble.)
As for the comics, the names of towns and references put Zecora's homeland as the local equivalent of Morocco, complete with a Sahara that, by the end of the arc, is getting de-desertified by the power of Harmony. It also says that Zecora's couplets stem from emulating mystical incantations rather than any local tradition of slam poetry.
10843812
That "dear Faust" wasn't an expletive; I was specifically narrowing it down to things Lauren could reasonably be blamed for, so the comics are moot.
10841029
Kirin confirmed anarchists
10842437
Come on don’t do the CMC dirty like that you know that shit’s their wheelhouse.
I’ve forgotten how enjoyable your breezy (no not breezie
) comedies are. To quote what you have said many times on my stories, thank you for this! ( and also judging by the comments section looks like you have another entry for never the final word volume two!)
Obligatory drunk horse song:
10843812 If I'd had the time, I would have turned it into a Rickroll somehow... even if it took me 5 years to learn how to code. This is the level of troll dedication I must achieve in order to rule the Intarnets!
I am pleased that at least you were tempted to check it, meaing NEXT TIME the Rickroll code shall succeed!
The zebras have Klatchian Coffee!? Oh dear, someone is going to get knurd...
10843812
I may have to check out the comic to see what it does myself. (Although I will note that the stuff in her treehouse clearly points to sub-Saharan Africa, not Arab and Berber Morocco. )
Personally, my head canon (until chancellor NeighsayBadIdea,Hasbro showed up) was that Ponies aren't prejudiced against other species (which wouldn't make sense with the way they were fine with a Gryphon several episodes earlier), as they are prejudiced against witches of whatever species - which, according to G1, used to be a serious threat.
10841045
It's as if this contest entry was just so that FoME could get more contributions to Never the Final Word.