• Member Since 13th Dec, 2011
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Kirin coffee is the best there is.

There is absolutely nothing suspicious about it.

An entry for the A Thousand Words Contest II in the Comedy category.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 61 )


#kirinbeansarepoop :pinkiegasp:

Spoilers, please. :trollestia:


Isn't it obvious, tho? :pinkiecrazy:

Maybe. But I'd rather let readers find out the long way if they happen to glance at comments first. :derpytongue2:

I saw it coming, because I drink kopi luwak.
That's some good shit. :trollestia:

Remember, everything fermented is poo. :rainbowlaugh:

I have a sick mind. I twigged to the gag far too early. Still fresh and strong, like mountain grown Columburoian coffee.

You should try the Beer.

Seriously, the next window showed what looked like a huge sauna filled with glowing charcoal like the world’s hottest ball pit. Dozens of Kirin lay on the infernal surface, either snoozing or casually reading from metal booklets as tongues of flame caressed their backs and bellies. Had he accidentally found a Kirin spa of sorts?

To be fair, that's how I imagined a Kirin spa would look like.

Keen then frowned when he noticed the cubicles built on platforms above the drums, connected to them by large pipes. A bloated Kirin hurriedly entered one cubicle just as another exited, and the previous occupant had a regular-sized belly and a blissful smile of utter relief as he trotted out of the room.
A pit opened up in Keen’s stomach as he finally recognised that subtle aroma.

*distinct lack of words*

I wonder whether anyone told Keen where honey comes from...

Ok but why is he named Greg?

There was originally a little part mentioning that Greg is a griffon, but it accidentally got trimmed out in my efforts to keep it at 1000 words. It's back in now. :twilightsheepish:

Ah, that makes sense. I should not have assumed his race, my bad.

The word of the day is "civet" and I immediately suspected it before I even clicked the story. Especially with the memes about their beer.

I wonder if similar could be said of the little clusters of gems so prized by Rarity and her fellow fashion moguls for their avant-garde clothing designs?

The hottest shit in town. :ajsmug:


I have a sick mind.

Nah, not sick. Just experienced. :trollestia:


I wonder whether anyone told Keen where honey comes from...

Changelings? :pinkiehappy:


Changelings? :pinkiehappy:

SockiePuppetry did a cute(?) little comic on that very thing.

I knew where this was going just from the fic's title. I was not disappointed. :ajsmug:

I didn’t expect this ending at all lmao, not until they mentioned the Kirin eating a ton of those cherry things :rainbowlaugh:

Greg must be a fan of the Soylent Green movie, too

This reminds of the joke about kirin beer. This is not my kind of humor.

Truly a Kirin cultural tradition.

Yup. That went exactly where I thought it was going.

Honestly, more people need to learn how much of the food we eat is a product of something that came out of something's butt.

Okay, I have to say, this is a totally inaccurate analogue for civet coffee.

For one thing, it implies that the creatures that produce it are kept in even vaguely humane conditions.

For another, it implies that the coffee tastes good.

I'm just going to refer to the words of someone far more experienced than I:


Haha, knew it! Called it 1/3 into the story and read the rest with a big goofy grin on my face as I wondered how you would pull it off :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy:

Very nice.

Can I have another cup please, dear author?

EDIT: So, Kirin beer is pee. And Kirin coffee is poo.
What else can these marvellous creatures / perfect roommates / ideal partners do?


I have had kopi luwak. It's good, but not really worth the high price and animal welfare concerns.

I kind of want to try https://www.foodandwine.com/news/bourbon-pointu-coffee-bat-saliva.

My brother brought some instant packets of durian coffee back from a trip. I like the Jeruk Peruk tea better...

Given what pollen is and what's unaccounted for, I assume honey.

Fair enough. This story isn't intended to be an accurate portrayal of how civet coffee is farmed/harvested. As for the taste, Keen is an unreliable narrator. There are those who swear by civet coffee, but most agree that it's nothing special outside of its novelty.


Yeah, saw this coming

Well It doesn't take a genius to figure out were this is going, not sure if want... But still my curiosity compels me.

The start of the story is entertaining, but the end is shit. :trollestia:


I did see what was coming. Still laughed. Of course it works perfectly given kirins.

10/10 would have another cup, with sugar. No cream, though.

Well, you’ll never guess what Kirin shakes are made out of.

And don’t even start on Kirin smoothies. :rainbowlaugh:

11618239 An' if it isnae Scottish, it's CRRRRRAP!

I'd love to see this get a sequel because this was just golden.


Good thing that the contest's word limit is just 1000. It was hard enough to push out as it is. :trollestia:

That comic is hilarious! :rainbowlaugh:

The bat coffee doesn't sound too bad, and the price isn't completely insane, either. Apparently there's an elephant version of civet coffee, and that 'Black Ivory' stuff goes for 2000USD per kilo. :rainbowderp:

Also, despite all the crazy marketing claims, durian doesn't necessarily go with everything.

I don't give a FUCK
I love honey and it's double vomit
I love figs and they all have dead wasps inside
I'ma love that kirin coffee cus it taste like firecy fucking energy just the way I like it

Food and Candy Administration

That is SO pony.

Well it's canon that pegasus farts are helium, so this isn't too far removed...

Tell me more about the dead wasps that power figs.

So every single fig you've ever eaten except by human interaction has eaten a wasp that's specialty is figs their pretty tiny and they go into the figs to lay their eggs but die in the process as well as tearing off their wings to get in a tiny entrance then they are digested by the figgy juices. Also I don't think any of the males escape and the babies mate inside. Hahahahaha enjoy your figs yum

OH NOOOOOO not the cat poop coffee!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


It's true that the best coffee in the world (Sumatra) comes from volcanic soil.

Now that you've done kopi luwak and durian, what's next? Hakarl? Casu marzu?

There was Surströmming a couple of years ago. :pinkiehappy:

11620478 Poooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooop.


11620561 I grew some pretty fantastic coffee in NJ, with 1 or 2 potted trees I bring inside for the winter. Takes about 4 years to get enough beans for a pound of roasted coffee. It takes a month to dry the berries and then a few more months to age them (makes the beans get more flavor when they're aged inside the dried berry in a cool, dark, dry place. And then it takes a week to cut off the leathery berry husk by hand. And then I have to keep all the windows in the house open to air out the smoke when I roast the beans... at least that part's fast.

But then I get a pound of really great coffee! ... ... Which is gone in a week. ..... I need to convince some rich idiot that it's a delicacy and costs $80,000 a pound.

11620219 I now have a story in mind of a giant fig that eats changelings... kinky! (OMG, VORE!!! RUN AWAY!!!) :fluttershbad:

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