• Member Since 31st Jan, 2016
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Nitro Indigo

I write about griffs. (♀ | Timezone: UTC + 1 | Discord | Ko-fi)


When Luster Dawn joins the School of Friendship in the middle of the academic year, the first student she meets is her roommate, a kirin who’s more than eager to introduce herself and show Luster around... but not before telling her about her awkward first day.

Pre-read by Flod.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 19 )

You seem to love the Kirin as much as me.

“Helloooooo!” a high-pitched, sing-songy voice exclaimed. Startled, Luster Dawn dropped her box, scattering the box all over the floors. She looked across to see a grey kirin with a dark turquoise mane, a red horn that curved backwards, and wide, purple eyes filled with enthusiasm that soon turned to shock. “Oh - I’m so sorry!” the kirin gasped.


10147649 Thanks. Also, “A Kirin Tale” got me interested in My Little Pony again.

Great story, a bit fast, but great.

Yeah, my biggest concern with my writing is that I'm not good at pacing.

Yes, pacing is perhaps one of the harder facets of writing. It is also one of the most important. When pacing suffers your scenes do as well, and when your scenes suffer your characters suffer. A rushed scene gives your characters less time to develop and become full, round characters. I find the best way to do proper pacing is to ask yourself questions such as:

Could this scene be longer?

Does the flow of conversation feel natural, or am I obviously steering it to a specific point?

Am I giving my characters enough of a chance to shine?

These tips are a bit odd, but they can work.

I don’t want to make it seem like I’m some professional writer telling you what to do. I’m far from a professional, very far. And the issues with pacing in this story are very minor, nowhere near as bad as I’ve seen in other stories which seem to cover an entire 10 chapter plot in a singular chapter. Your writing is ultimately very good, and I’m interested to see your future pieces. In fact......

Thanks. My pacing suffers the most when I'm trying to resolve tension, I think.

The pacing was a little quick, but this was a super cute story! I liked it. :twilightsmile:

I tend to procrastinate on chapters, then rush them towards the end and publish them as soon as I've finished.

The beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I like the kirins personality. Reminds me of Pinkie Pie. I heard her canon name was Riversong but hey, we can all make our own.

10149100 She doesn’t have a canon name. SkullShip came up with Winter Breeze before discovering that her Derpibooru tag was called River Song, but by then I was attached to the name Winter Breeze.

Oh I meant to say fanon, spell check on my phone.

10149100 First I've ever heard of any of Luster Dawn's potential friends getting a name, but River Song sounds nice.

I didn't want to use it because it's the name of a Doctor Who character.

Winter Breeze sounds like an introvert's nightmare, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm sure once she learns to control her exuberance, she'll make a great launching point for Luster to continue learning about friendship.

She's like Pinkie Pie combined with Autumn Blaze.

Now that Luster Dawn has made friends with a kirin, her next goal would probably be making friends with the griffon roommate.

Well this was a pretty interesting story so it looks like luster Dawn is getting started in the Friendship school and she starting to meet one of the creatures in the school name winter and she was pretty excited to meet Luster but of course Winters first day was Rocky is well but hey it happens on the first day of school and apparently winter is the daughter of the leader of the Kirins anyways this was a pretty good story keep up the good work

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