Sassaflash was enjoying a milkshake in Sugarcube Corner with her best friend Sea Swirl, when a wave of magic spread throughout Equestria and transformed her into a yellow dog/rabbit/cat-thing. The good news is that now she has awesome lightning powers and can run faster than ever before. The bad news is that Equestria is struggling to cope.
Side-story to Twilight Sparkle is an Espeon Now that was written with permission from Starscribe. I’d recommend reading that first, because this fanfic won’t make sense otherwise and contains spoilers for it.
Chapters (5)
That was a sad ending. We should set up a group page for Eevee-estria fics. mine is still in the works, to be released anytime from soon to ten thousand years from now. but id like a grope page to put it on.
Hoping for more side stories from you, maybe one from the hypothetical Flying-type (And posably dragon and/or bug) Eeveelutions of clouds dale.
Or maybe Sassaflash and Sea Swirl finding some surviving foals among the dead, Pokémon are hardy creachers that are hard to outright kill, must stuff would only knock them unconscious. Rainbowdash thought she was going to die from droping from her house the fist chapter and instead wokeup fine at the bottom of the lake
10110200
What should we call this verse? The Eeveeverse is already taken, and my best idea is the Eevee Epidemic.
Originally, this fanfic was going to be about Sassaflash seeing the entire population of Cloudsdale dead, but then I realised that Rarity said in the epilogue that they were transformed into "winged creatures".
Also, the only reason Rainbow survived her fall was because she dissolved into the water.
10110216
I was going with Eevee-estria, but I like the Eevee Epidemic too.
10110223
Eevestria rolls off the tongue better.
This is going the cool and awesome way.
Still loving this.
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10133905
What did you like?
So. Flying type Eeveelotion. nice. any other Fakemon Eeveelotions in the future
The dead foal thing is a bummer, maybe they can come back as ghost types.
I see the spread of ponies being 10% for each of the 8 cannon Eeveelotion, 10% for this flying type to cover cloudsdale, 2% for ghost types if you go for the ghost foal idea and 1% for each of the remaining pokemon types.
10156973
I’ve said in a blog post that there will only be one more chapter. Ghost Eevee sounds interesting, but it’s outside of the scope of this story. As for the canon Eeveelutions, I think it’s based on demographics because of this line from chapter 12 of Twilight Sparkle is an Espeon Now:
My original concept for this fanfic was that most of the Cloudsdale pegasi were transformed into Vaporeon or Jolteon. Your percentage idea could still work, but 80% + 10% + 2% + 1% = 93%. Are the remaining 7% Eevee?
10157002
there are 18 pokemon types, 8 are cannon eeveelotions and 10 are not, I suggested 10% flying 2% ghost and the remaining 8% devided evenly among Rock, Ground, Bug, Dragon, Steel, Fighting, Poison and Normal (Eevee 2.0) types with 1% a piece.
10157097 Oh, I didn’t realise you said “each”.
If Sassaflash and Sea Swirl had voice actors, who would they be?
10188396
I haven't thought about it.
10188396
What did you think of the chapter itself?
I have no interest in Pokemon, but I decided to start reading this anyway. It's an interesting concept. I am not sure where this is going yet, and I think this is a continuation of someone else's story, so maybe that explains it (I haven't read that other story.)
The end is pretty sad and gruesome. You don't go into too much detail about the dead foals, but the idea alone of all of those children falling to their deaths is quite heavy. I look forward to reading further.
10191642 This fanfic begins after chapter 9 of Twilight Sparkle is an Espeon Now. Hopefully, the description gives you all the context you need.
Also, I’m concerned that the ending of this chapter is too rushed.
I like the way that you write. I wasn't taken out of the story by any grammar, spelling, or syntax errors. That is always a plus
I have a few comments to bring up though:
- There is a lot of dialog between the characters. There need to be more things that they are doing as the story goes on. Just listening to people talking gets boring if it's just about mundane stuff. I appreciated when Sassaflash and Sea Swirl started to fight because something was happening between or among the characters. Even having them bowl while they talk, and having their actions / the results of the bowling match their emotions would add a lot to their exchanges. You do do this at a few points, so I think it's more like you need to remind yourself to break up the dialog more frequently with things happening to the characters.
- This could just be due to me not having read the story this is based on, but I really can't discern the three characters from one another. I can't get a read on what their personalities are and what it is that they want. Try to give each character more defining traits and personalities so it's easier to tell who is who while reading and to make it easier for me to get to know the characters and start caring about them and their adventures.
Perhaps this is normally how slice of life stories are written, so if this is what the audience looks for, then you can disregard my comments. I am just reading this as an objectively impartial reader who can read any genre, as long as it is well written and interesting!
To end on another good point (I like to do that), you never go into too much detail about anything or anyone, which helps to keep the story moving.
Good chapter! You write action well, which is a big deal, because most of the time stories can fall on their faces when the action comes out and is written flatly.
I am curious as to why Braeburn and Apple Fritter were fighting to THAT degree. I can understand if they started off with a few attacks each in their anger, like with Sassaflash and Sea Swirl at the bowling alley, but for them to keep going until they put foals' lives at risk... I assume what is happening here is that the ponies are starting to become more feral due to turning into Pokemon, but you need to explain that or at least hint to it in the story. Have moments where the characters cannot visibly control themselves or are struggling to do so. Even dialog from the characters themselves is better than nothing.
And I am going to keep an eye on Sassaflash as the story continues because she starts to enter Mary Sue territory in this chapter. She is also new to having a Pokemon body. I feel like it would be more interesting to, in this scenario, show that Sassaflash WANTS to help stop the conflict, but cannot get her body to do what she wants.
Ending on a happy note, by the end of this chapter I am actually genuinely interested in seeing what happens and continuing :) Before I felt compelled to do so just to give you comments!
10191660
Yeah, I noticed that Sassaflash was the only character with a distinctive voice and tried to rectify this in later chapters. Sea Swirl was just “the smart one” and White Lightning was just “the vaguely sassy one”.
10191670
That was a conflict in Twilight Sparkle is an Espeon Now, but now that you mention it, I could’ve had some “why am I acting out like this?” introspection. The whole idea behind this fanfic was to explore topics that were glossed over in the original, and fighting was one of them.
Also, the main flaw I gave Sassaflash was that she was impulsive, which will show in the next chapter. I characterised her as scatterbrained in another fanfic I wrote, but I ended up not including that here.
Another good chapter. I am starting to like these characters. Sassaflash seems impulsive, which is a nice contrast to Sea Swirl, who is not. Simple things like these are fun to see in characters.
However, I get that Rainy Rays is supposed to be, you know, "the bitch" character, but her reaction to the dead foals? Come on, she would need to be a psychopath to not care at all that a bunch of kids died.
Other than that my issues with the story from my last comments still stand. I believe they are things you can improve on in future stories.
I will also admit, I have no idea what species each Pokepony is supposed to be, except Sassaflash is obviously a Jolteon and Sea Swirl a Vaporeon. That could just be my own lack of that much Pokemon knowledge. The Latin names given to their species doesn't really clear anything up. I would have given them nicknames for simplicity and clarity's sake.
I really like how you use a lot of the locations from the show for your settings, and again you don't go into unnecessary details. Just enough to keep the story moving but not too little that I don't know what's going on.
10191682
The idea was that she doesn’t feel as strongly because she didn’t see them die. How would you suggest fixing that?
Rainy Rays is a Fakemon of my own creation.
Also, I have an idea for another TSiaEN side-story involving Trixie, Starlight, Sunburst, and Spike trying to run the School of Friendship. The next chapter of Rain and Lightning will be an epilogue. Problem is, I have some other unfinished fanfics right now, but I’m not motivated enough to continue any of them.
Okay! I am all caught up
The only thing I am going to bring up regarding this chapter is your use of characters (this is very long but this is not just for you, but for anyone struggling with characters, and it's also a reminder to myself!)
Almost no time is provided to let the readers get to know the characters in this chapter before we are forced to see them undergo an action scene, complete with a lot of moments which I understand are supposed to be emotional. The problem is that without any connection with these characters, we as readers cannot feel emotionally towards what it is that they are doing or saying.
The best way to introduce a character in your story is to do it one at a time. Describe the character in as brief, but effective, of a way that you can. This is always done best by using their own actions to show the readers what that character is all about. You can also use their own words, and lastly the least effective method is to have other characters describe them.
Make it known SOMEHOW what they are currently trying to achieve in that part of the story. Remember that everyone in your story needs to WANT something... if they don't want anything, they shouldn't be in the story.
Ensure that every single one of your characters has a purpose in the story and is unique enough that they can't just be merged with another character. If you character is talking and doing things and I can't tell who is who, it's because they are not a unique character and they don't stand out enough to warrant existing.
I'll just look at the counselor, for example. Why is this pony even hosting the meeting? She doesn't seem to care about anything. That character doesn't need to be taking up the space on the page if they are a jerk and aren't advancing the plot.
Make characters CONSISTENT. This is very important. In this one chapter, Shoeshine comes off first as a pony under a lot of stress who is barely managing, then as an impulsive, violent asshole, then switches to being a loving, caring big sister, and none of those are consistent in the context. If you want the barely managing, stressed out, hard working character to explode, you need to set up a situation where somebody is going to push them over the edge, and this has to be a big push because they have been holding it in so well up until now. If they are just going to be an impulsive, violent asshole, then get them out of the story because those characters aren't interesting or believable for an FiM character except for in a big bad villain. If they are a loving, caring big sister, then I would say you wrote the character alright, but then the violent outburst again the counselor still was out of character then. And I don't think Shoeshine would admit to how hard everything has been for her right in front of her little sister, who depends on her and sees her as a hero.
Finally, we need to spend time with these characters before we are going to be emotionally invested in what they do. Start off small and work your way up. Something just like how Shoeshine's actions scare of Fairy are perfect for a first scene with them, albeit tone down the emotions. If you come out of the gate swinging like that with your characters, then: 1) They will not be believable, and 2) You will "blow your load" prematurely with them and next time will have to have them go even CRAZIER, which will come off as ridiculous. Characters should not be shouting, screaming, being violent or crying as soon as we meet them, unless that is part of their character and it is done properly (for example, the big, muscular pony in Ponyville is supposed to be a "roid rager" so he shouts a lot, but is used infrequently so he doesn't overstay his welcome). People, like ponies, are reserved in public, when they are around people they don't know. Unless they have genuine problems dealing with their emotions, they will present themselves in the best possible light when around others they don't know. As the main character(s) and we, as readers, get to know those characters better, it makes sense that we will start to see the "true" versions of those characters as they become more comfortable sharing that side of themselves.
I centered mostly on Shoeshine and Fairy Skies because the rest of the characters are kind of boring and don't show much of a character. Try to follow the steps I presented (it's not a checklist but a guide) going forward when introducing new characters. I would focus first, though, on establishing a motivation for the main characters of the show first (Sea Swirl and Sassaflash) and giving them goals to work towards. Just have a chapter where the two of them hang out and do things that define who they are. SHOW us who these two unique creatures are, and why they are good friends. Why do they complement eachother so well? (I mentioned in another chapter that I think one good aspect of their relationship is that Sea Swirl can ground Sassaflash when the latter does something impulsive... this is a classic relationship dynamic but a good one).
That was a big review and I apologize for making you read it, but it's the kind of advice that I have found very helpful over the years. The rest of the story didn't have this problem with characters but that was because you had a lot less characters and they weren't involved in such emotionally-driven scenes. It's not easy for any writer to have a bunch of different characters in a scene at once and make them all shine, which is why most of the time you avoid that except at the end during a big battle, for example.
10191645
If you feel that way, my suggestion is to review what you actually wrote and compare it to what you WANTED to end the chapter with. Why did you choose the current ending as opposed to the one you now wish you had wrote? It's easy to rush a story when you haven't planned it and edited it to the degree where you can figure out what the right way and what the wrong way is to tell your story. Flying by the seat of your pants is a good way to produce content, but not necessarily top quality content.
10191675
Even if the idea was touched upon in the other story, it's still a good idea to mention it in this one. You want to aim for as wide an audience as you can when you release stories, which is to say, don't alienate people by skipping content because you assume they have read through all of the other story!
10191740
Do you personally feel no emotion and / or feel no need to express remorse when you hear about adults dying in real life, let alone children (rare in our world, at least according to the mainstream media)? It's universal for sentient life to feel sad about its young dying. The idea of our young, innocent as they are, dying before reaching sexual maturity is heartbreaking. It fundamentally means wasted potential, and it means that someone who didn't deserve it died when there are so many bad adults left in the world who escape justice.
Unless the character is supposed to be an actual mentally-ill sociopath, it is unrealistic that their reaction to children dying is going to be anything less than, AT LEAST, "that's terrible," or something similar.
10191967
The counsellor was made a jerk because I needed an excuse for her to not join the protagonists on their mission, but now that you mention it, I could have just... not done that. I got a lot of help for the first part of this chapter from multiple people, but my pre-reader was too busy to give me in-depth feedback the second half, so I published it without rewriting it. Do you think you could pre-read for me one day?
10192343
Thanks. I might make a minor edit to chapter 4 later.
10192576
I would be happy to pre-read! As long as the chapters I pre-read aren't going to be terribly long and you link to my profile somewhere in the chapter once it's published :)
Could you give my story The Storm's Challenge a read and let me know what you think? I would appreciate that