Chapter 4: Medicine
They had found Mother Zawadi's Medicine Emporium tucked away from most ponies' eyes in a cozy corner of the Canterlot streets. Rarity had been the first to spot it, and had tapped her marefriend lightly to draw her attention to the sight of the building. The exterior windows were sleepy-looking and gave little hint of the content of the interior. The displays had curtains of fine silk typical for Canterlotians tied with strange charms that Princess Celestia immediately identified as belonging to the zebra nations — though she could not say which one it originated from. Equestria and those particular nations of the Western continents had minimal trade and immigration. The rest of the windows were filled with masks resting atop backdrops of fabric in lively geometric patterns that Twilight found so colorful and inviting after spending so much time with Zecora.
"We should go inside!" Twilight said cheerfully. There was something about the way the wooden sign swung in the late day and the careful, neat kerning of the letters that sat just right with her. Anypony that put effort into something as vital as good kerning had to be trustworthy.
"Oh dear," Rarity tutted. "Do you really think we ought to stop at another shop first and come back later? I just thought a bit of window shopping couldn't hurt, we ought to stop here last and save the trip. Though, it isn't every day one finds a zebra shop."
"Canterlot is one of the few cities where they aren't a rarity," Princess Celestia said with the faintest of small smiles.
Rarity had been giggling when Twilight pointed to their empty saddlebags. "We still haven't found a gift for Discord," she said. There was an antsy undertone to her words. "It wouldn't be right for any of us to leave, or to just window shop until we've helped you pick out the perfect gift to be your millennium token this year, Princess Celestia."
"Oh Twilight," Princess Celestia began, her eyes kept modestly lowered, "all of the efforts you two have put in to be helping hooves is not lost on me. Maybe we didn't find anything, but I still appreciated the care you two have shown, and getting to spend time with friends is important to me, no matter the occasion. Besides, everypony appreciates crafts... maybe I can make something for Discord. I'm sure that Luna would enjoy the chance to help me come up with something creative — she always was better at that type of thing — instead of keeping the castle and everything running while we're gone."
Rarity nodded. "I have had a lovely time today too, and I do believe that we might as well get going. I thought the shop might be inspiring to point out, but it simply doesn't look like we'd find anything there that wouldn't be too fragile for Discord."
"...wait, wait," Twilight said quickly, her ears anxiously swiveled. "I don't mean to suggest that we shouldn't listen to you, Princess. I'd never, not ever in a million years suggest that. I just really, really think we should try one more store. It'll be quick."
Rarity only nodded her assent after Princess Celestia did.
...
Mother Zawadi turned out to be barely older than Twilight and Rarity. She was young, and a bit on the pudgier side in a way that suggested when the years were right, she'd have a matronly look, not unlike Missus Cake. Her black and white mane was kept in place with a tie-dyed headband, and her mane itself was done in dozens of pretty braids. The colorful extensions that were woven among the braids in her mane and tail gave her an unusual, more pony-like appearance. She wore no neck rings but had layers of colorful necklaces with all kinds of crystals and pigmented stones. Her gold hoop earrings reflected the light of her dazzling smile and the buttons on her brilliantly patterned tie-dye coat. From where the coat gave away, Twilight could see the mark tattooed on her haunches in imitation of a cutie mark was a magnificent jar that contained some kind of representation of fog or magic inside — it reminded Twilight of pointillistic paintings she had seen in Canterlot's art museums sometimes as a filly.
"Greetings, valued customers and friends," she said as soon as her store's bell alerted her of the three mares entering. "Come inside, and you'll see I've imported goods from all of the world's known ends."
Rarity stopped to wave, and Twilight offered a little bow. Princess Celestia modestly dipped her head in greeting. It was then that Mother Zawadi turned around fully to get a proper look at her customers — Rarity had entered first, but her eyes had widened when she saw Twilight Sparkle, and it became clear how much more immediate her recognition of Equestria's last princess was.
"Oh! How blessed I must be!" called the zebra mare in her rich, deep voice. "It is not every day that I get to see Your Majesty! Rarely is it that one can expect to personally see a goddess and her ascended pupil with their own eyes!" Mother Zawadi immediately stepped out from behind her desk with the large, clunky, and particularly old-fashioned cash register, where she then dropped into such a deep bow that her many necklaces touched the floor. "Always, I have thought of the legends of my youth, where one can only expect an encounter with the gods to come in disguise. Please, please browse my goods that range from what you might call anything from folk medicine to a parlor trick. My wares may baffle some, that is true, but when it comes to advertising to ponyfolk, I've yet to grasp the right skill mix."
"Oh, my little pony," Princess Celestia said softly, "you are so formal; I'm touched by your display. My subjects, like yourself, have a love for me unlike any other, and it is I who must be humbled by such affection. But you see, I'm only out for a bit of shopping, and wouldn't expect such degrees of reverence on such a simple occasion. Thank you."
Mother Zawadi rose from her bow but still kept her head tilted lightly down to the floor. It was an almost perfect mirror of Princess Celestia's gesture of greetings. "Thank you, madam, for your unfaltering grace. I do hope you find what it is that you seek under the roof of this place."
...
It would seem that Twilight had been right to make her suggestion that they look in one more store. The shelves were cluttered with a variety of goods that were simply goofy. Curious, small toys from around the world sat on sturdy shelves alongside packets of thunderbird feathers, delicate vials of squonk tears, stingers of bugbear speartips, music boxes with dancing Sasqutches, and genuine snake oil in both bottled and powdered form, with the latter being advertised by the packet and resting in large traits. Even the ceiling of the shop was cluttered. Princess Celestia looked over into the section of the store that she claimed and had to duck around Zebra masks, Qilinese shadow puppets, and Neighponese communication lanterns adorned with tassels just as elaborate as the grate-like patterns in the lantern itself, which could be altered like shutters or with careful turns and manipulations of unicorn, deer, or kirin magic.
Twilight Sparkle was muttering aloud to herself. She'd picked the section of the store that was the most normal since she figured that would be the safest place to find something that she might understand. The last thing that she wanted was to get a gift she couldn't explain or was ill-suited when she presented it to Princess Celestia for approval. In that way, this errand felt much like a test. She'd been reading every label she came across aloud, albeit with each word said under her breath, both out of habit and not to disturb the languid calm atmosphere of the store. She did not want to come across as an overly picky customer, or the kind of nag who asked to speak to the manager when her every whim was not met — it would be such a poor look for any princess!
She was past the snake oil and nearing where Rarity was browsing what looked like silk scarves that changed color when they were levitated into the light, like some kind of camouflage. That was when she found another section of curious brews: Crabgrass Delucion Inducer, Miracle Cure Unmasker, and powder of Bucklyn Terror tonic mix-in. Next to those were shelves of calendars: the theme of the most stand-out one to Twilight was something called Alien, or Anomalous, Big Cats while another was glossy photographs of Emperor Ahg and the landscapes of the giant spider tribe of the Maretonian rain forests. And next to those were souvenir-like goods and clothes. Twilight was surprised that Rarity hadn't claimed this section of the store, but the one just beyond it.
Did she fear she would be too harsh on the clothing? Admittedly, Twilight Sparkle could see why that might be. Shirts that read 'I Met the Mothmare and All I Got was This T-Shirt' did not seem to be very friendly to Rarity's judgment, especially when they were obviously in plain, somewhat baggy unisex cuts. Something like that bugged a seamstress to no end, probably just as much as the fact that they were shelved next to mugs printed with 'Hodag Hunter' and stickers for the bumpers of carriages that read 'I wasn't late — the Beast of Bray Road nearly ate my wheels!' next to the silhouette of a were-donkey that Twilight recognized from her copy of Supernaturals: Natural Remedies and Cure-alls That Are Simply Super. In fact, if she wasn't mistaken, Rarity was going through a few copies from a book stack on the side of the aisle that was opposite of Twilight Sparkle just now.
Twilight straightened up and trotted a little closer. She passed a rack of Discord lamps and bobbleheads — she knew he wouldn't want those, the lamp was of his own design and he made good bits selling it. What Discord did with the bits was anypony's guess. She hadn't seen the bobbleheads before, but they looked so thoroughly Discord-y enough and their placement next to his design of lamps made her wonder if they were made by his mind and magic too. If that were the case, getting him one would only be redundant. Plus, didn't it defeat the purpose of a gift — who would want to be given their only likeness? Nopony was vain enough for that, except maybe Trixie Lulamoon.
In an effort to get closer to Rarity and see if her marefriend found anything, Twilight passed a row of polished hugag skulls made into hat stands. They were shoved so close together you couldn't wedge a paper between them, and as Twilight stepped closer, she could see that Rarity was browsing a stack of books that was dreadfully unorganized, and currently levitating one about something called vulture culture that Twilight had had briefly explained to her by a somewhat distraught Fluttershy, who found the practice unnerving. For a store that was arranged in such an oddball way, it made sense to see those books so close to the big-lipped hugag skulls, along with glimpses of books about alchemy, potion-making, curses, fearsome critters, cryptid-watching, séances, athamé-crafting, and more. And it turns out she was right. There were indeed multiple copies of Supernaturals: Natural Remedies and Cure-alls That Are Simply Super that Rarity had moved out of the way, and they appeared to be quite deliberately placed over Emperor Ahg's book on the wonder of ritual hugs in giant spider culture and the wisdom it brought.
(Twilight had seen a copy of the last book in one of her favorite Canterlot bookstores on her last visit. The book was supposedly very good, a new bestseller worthy of its label — but Twilight was still very torn about whether she should have a book by giant spiders and how much they loved hugging others stocked in her library.)
Maybe it was better that Rarity had looked at the books, too. Twilight had struggled to find something that Discord would want to read in the bookstore, and the last thing she wanted to do was anguish over the possibility of getting him books again, only to think of how they'd undoubtedly just wind up eaten by Discord.
On her way closer to Rarity, Twilight caught sight of some of the hats, and read the large print on it, which was poised right next to a familiar, semi-bipedal creature: "Ahuizotl is real and he tried to eat my — oh no!" Twilight gasped, her face immediately reddening as she silently read the rest of what the hat said. "Nopony should ever do that!”
At the sound of her voice, Rarity turned around and trotted over to where Twilight was to see the cause of the commotion. As soon as she caught sight of the hat that Twilight had immediately replaced in its stack on the hugag skull stands, she snort-laughed. "Oh, Twilight, darling. What am I going to do with you? To think, such a charmingly provincial little cap has my marefriend so flustered!"
"Rarity," Twilight whined, pawing the floor with a forehoof. "Just look at what it says!"
"Oh," Rarity said, not bothering to hide her abundant giggling with a hoof, "believe me, my love. I do see the hat. It does actually strike me as something that Discord might enjoy — the hat, that is." She narrowed her eyes, suddenly giving them a suspicious glance. "I certainly can't speak for the contents, but I do think it is at least in his spirit. Though, if Rainbow Dash did not love the skies the way I love you, then I could certainly see her wearing something so... brazen."
Twilight nodded, slowly. She took any chance she could to focus on something other than the embarrassing product — honestly, the only thing about it that wasn't so scandalous was the price. "Did you find anything that Discord might like?" she asked.
"Why," Rarity said, her eyes dancing with light and her ears were pricked forward joyously, "I do believe I might have found two things!"
Immediately, Twilight Sparkle perked up. "Really? Two gifts?"
"Yes, though I would like you to have a look at one of them before we go fetch the Princess." Rarity smiled, lighting up her horn.
"Alright then. What about the other?"
"As for the other..." Rarity trailed off, making a small face as her telekinesis rummaged around for something behind her before thrusting a little box in front of Twilight's muzzle. "Ta-da! Isn't it simply marvelous?"
Twilight leaned forward just enough that she wouldn't be so close that her breath would fog up the window of the package. Inside, she could see dozens of peculiar curved toothbrushes with their handles carved in the likeness of a cat-like creature, one that was close to the extinct saber-toothed tigers she had seen illustrated in books she had as a filly. Only, these creatures were bigger, had sleeker coats, fish-like eyes, and webbed fur details in their enormous paws. The illustration on the side of the box filled in what the littlest details on the carvings could not. Puzzled, she looked at the text next to the illustration in order to figure out what she was looking at.
"Bunyip Brushes™," Twilight Sparkle read, "are the perfect brushes for you and all of your fanged and tusk-having friends. They're bunyip-approved and enthusiastically bunyip-tested by real bunyips straight from Brumbralia for fanged creatures everywhere. The curve of these brushes is guaranteed to give you the greatest smile and reach every part of every fang and tusk with easy brushing or your money back. See why Bunyip Brushes™ are beloved by creatures around the globe, from the yeti of Mirkaysia, the Qilinese, the ursine-folk of Sibearia, and the distant boarfolk of the Boara-Boara Islands! Dragons, qilin, and kirin love the fireproof enchantments on Bunyip Brushes™! Her Majesty the Hog-Queen Phillippa of the Isle of Albion uses and approves of Bunyip Brushes™ — write to us about buying in bulk today!"
"They're useful, aren't they, darling? Everypony should have a dazzling white smile, and Discord's teeth are as chaotic as he is, no? Plus, dearest, they're royalty-approved."
Twilight found herself nodding, still not looking away from the description of the toothbrushes. Finding products — or even basic faculties, like doorways — adapted to non-equine creatures in Equestria was a novelty. In a land where everything was built for ponykind and with only equines in mind, even something like toothbrushes managed to sound foreign. Twilight could not recall a time when she'd ever heard '-folk' not attached to 'pony-' used so normally or she ever had to stumble through mentions of yeti and the ursine outside of books she'd need only her hooves to count the number of. She'd occasionally seen qilin, and their slightly more west-residing siblings, the kirin, as a filly in Canterlot on trips to places like Restaurant Row or antique stores with extended family. She was aware of Queen Phillipia and the hogfolk through both Princess Celestia's political lectures and her marefriend. The former had started instructing Twilight Sparkle about the lengthy history of the ongoing feud between the Isle of Albion, and its long-time rival the Kingdom of Isles of Mares and Shetland. Both were off the coast of Trotland and Princess Celestia had high hopes that as Equestria's newest princess, Twilight Sparkle would one day be able to resolve the conflict between the two island nations through their mutual diplomatic relationships with Equestria. Through Rarity, Twilight Sparkle learned of how hogfolk were all seven feet tall and literally had four eyes — but mostly, she'd been made to memorize the style of the queen's seemingly endless wardrobe of red dresses.
"I do think that it's a good present... but maybe it would be better for Spike. I don't think this has the, ah, tone of gift that Princess Celestia has in mind. We're getting a makeup Hearts and Hooves Day gift, and I wonder if Discord would take this to mean that we're telling him his breath stinks."
"Oh..." Rarity murmured, her blue eyes distant with sudden thoughtfulness. "Oh my, I do see how that could have been quite the faux pas, darling. Thank you for catching that! Spike would definitely love these very much, though. I never thought pony toothbrushes would possibly be tricky for him until I saw these... I wonder, if they work well, perhaps we ought to get some shipped directly to the castle since I doubt any store in Ponyville would stock these. Now, may I show the other gift possibility I found?"
"Of course!" Twilight watched as Rarity put the toothbrushes in her saddle bag, then Twilight straightened her posture and readied herself to follow Rarity.
...
Twilight found herself led over to another row of shelves. It was not far from where they had been standing. Stickers indicating the fragility of the products were placed on every available surface that didn't interfere with reading the packaging. Even the shelves themselves had some of those stickers, along with one straight out of Twilight Sparkle's foalhood: Miss Yuk, the image of an earth pony mare's face contorted with disgust, and her coat a putrid shade of green. Every foal learned to recoil from anything bearing those stickers, and that they were as powerful in generating avoidance as runes with a curse. They were especially important when some things had only the common cork between a foal and a trip to the hospital.
Rarity waved a hoof over to a row of dark bottles, whose thick glass revealed various powders and brews inside. "All of these strange chemicals look like something out of a witch doctor's workshop, Twilight. And I do suppose that makes sense when the lovely owner is a zebra. Can you tell me what these are? They look ever so mysterious, and that just felt perfect for getting Discord a gift."
Twilight trotted over and got a good look at the bottles. Each was distinguished not just by the Miss Yuk and fragile stickers, but also by those that warned ponies not to sample the products. "Oh! Rarity, you're right — these are witch doctor goods, they're not just for witch doctors though. In fact, they're even related to Discord. I never thought I'd ever see things like this before; they're incredibly uncommon and usually locked up in underground vaults. I know you need permits cleared by the Princess herself to buy things like this, but they must be imported from a country where these are more plentiful — maybe the part of the Western continents where zebra, giraffes, hyenas, and boars originate. I know the Coltmecs of Colthuacan have found substances like this before Colthuacan — ponyfeathers, we probably even passed some in Tenochtitlan when we visited Daring Do's cabin and Ahuizotl's temple."
"Err..." Rarity blinked and tilted her head to the side. "Darling, that doesn't tell me what these are."
Now it was Twilight's turn to blink and shake her head. She laughed shortly and sheepishly. "Well, sometimes I forget that not everypony has access to the Royal Archives. So... none of this is top secret or anything, just guarded knowledge. Draconequui used to be a species... but something happened, a long time ago when the princesses and Discord were very young... and they went extinct. Discord is the only pure draconequus left, and Ahuizotl is part draconequus, though unrelated to Discord — he told me that, they aren't even cousins. If Ahuizotl weren't, well, evil and constantly surrounded by his cult of Coltmecs and his temple of doom, we might be able to learn about him. I don't know any more than that, and they don't exactly teach us about anything before the Tribal Era, even in Princess Celestia's school — or in any school in Equestria. Prior history is a total blank, and I only found out about there being multiple draconequui after I got my castle."
"I see," Rarity said thoughtfully, eyeing the bottles carefully, "do go on."
"Draconequus magic likes to stick around more than most magic, and they can alter things on such a deep level. Just like Alicorns... like Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. And... just like Alicorns, their workings and true potential for power is unknown, but there are some theories as to what they can do. One of those is called the Hackneyvetica Scenario. It was derived by a great unicorn scholar of history from the Isles of Mares and Shetland, Dr. Hackney. He synthesized fables from the Western continent and Coltmec mythohistory with Equestrian resources from the Royal Archives when he was Princess Celestia's Faithful Student after moving to Equestria. He found that there were accounts of ponies and other creatures losing their facial features and orifaces in all cultures, and that this was described only after they came in contact with so-called 'amalgamation monsters' that only the Equestrians had a name for — the draconequus, Discord — or the bones of those that were affected by chaos magic in life, specifically the teeth."
"Darling," Rarity said, tapping her hoof, "how is it that ponies could still have teeth after losing their faces? And goodness me, how did they ever get them back?"
Twilight frowned. "Ponies and other creatures that fell victim to magic like that... didn't get their faces back. They died, unable to communicate, smooth-muzzled, eyeless, mouthless, and only able to hear. You can find small writings from ponies after Discord's petrification with that affliction. It comes from select misfires of magic, so it wasn't anything Discord knowingly did to anypony. Some ponies just... lost their face because of draconequui and their magic, and we don't really have any around to ask why that is — if they're just inexperienced, or something else was at work. The misfires steal the opening of the mouth, erasing it and the lips. Skeletons of creatures were still the same. Whatever alteration left lingering magic specifically in the teeth of creatures, and being too close to graves or exposed to the remains excessively could cause the effect to rub off onto others without proper precaution. Dr. Hackney was able to discover the necessary precaution by studying the errors of history; he found that the teeth in creatures affected showed altered molecules that may have very likely been present in the smooth-faces of ponies who suffered from the draconequui magic too. More importantly, he found that the effects were nullified if bodies were exhumed and the teeth were ground to powder. He called the powder alternate calciums, and that's what you see here."
"Oh, that's rather macabre," Rarity gasped. "Who would want to buy such things? Are these really the ground teeth of poor ponies from forever ago?"
"Yes and no. There are still creatures in the zebra lands who can get this curse because they couldn't possibly exhume all the buried bodies, so it still is occurring there in those nations, the way a birth defect might. The fact that they have a long tradition of resurrection ponies and zebras hunting for ingredients in unsafe environments means that the condition can still spread, too. But you can create intelligent calciums by mixing in small minorities of regular calcium from the ground powder of non-sapient creatures' teeth, weighing it against a majority of the original until transmutation occurs, and repeating the process as much as possible to get as many of an intelligent carbon as you may need. The creatures who buy this are usually witch doctors, not anypony looking to repeat the Hackneyvecta scenario, and oxygen is used to neutralize all negative effects that might remain in the powders — something Dr. Hackney also verified. The grounds are an important base in curses, powders, bone-regrowing, and divining magic for zebra works in particular. After all, 'intelligent' isn't a misnomer — alternate calciums are very loosely sapient, and with proper instruments used in unicorn and zebra labs, they form the essential ingredient in formulas used to locate directions, buried things, treasure, understand underground landscapes, crafts aid for the blind in zebra culture, and more. Though, these effects can also be neutralized through exposure to enough oxygen — which makes it one of the safest substances after preparation, despite the tragedy that shaped them."
Rarity beheld Twilight Sparkle in the most utterly flabbergasted way. "And my parents wonder how I know my wonderful marefriend is autistic."
"Oh, oh!" said Twilight, hopping excitedly on her hooves. She pointed to one of the selections of bottles, on which 'Alternate Calcium' was printed neatly on each. "I forgot, I almost forgot — folktales that surround the stories of ponies in Discord's reign and after who suffered from the Hackneyvecta scenario are what led to the tradition of the Tooth Breezie in Equestria, which then spread to other lands. Sleeping with teeth under the pillow started among earth ponies in early Equestria post-Discord, who thought it might ward against the illness, especially because earth ponies were the most affected — pegasus tradition is cremation, unicorns used cave-vaults, and earth ponies buried their dead beneath or nearby buildings in order not to 'use up' land for fields. This was one of the most pivotal factors in why Equestrian earth ponies were forced to adopt more unicorn-like funerary traditions. Sleeping with a tooth under one's pillow did nothing to stop a Hackneyvecta scenario from happening, it just became a charming rite of passage."
"Darling, darling, darling — I wonder how it is that you must own a library when you're a walking variant all on your own. I simply don't know how I'm ever going to be able to appreciate all this knowledge that you've amassed."
It was impossible for Twilight Sparkle to refrain from giggling. "Oh, Rarity, I just can't help myself — and the subject is too fascinating not to gush about. You being generous with how much you listen is all the love I need... oh, and about the gifts. This was... a really good pick... but it's also something that Discord made and could make again. It'd be like giving Princess Luna an astronomy book when she's the one who discovered, named, and created the stories for all of the constellations."
Rarity nodded in slow understanding, and it was at that moment that Princess Celestia poked her head over the aisles in order to wave at the two mares. She said that she had found the perfect gift.
...
Princess Celestia pointed at a sign that said 'Spiritual Relationships' over a selection of shelves at the end of where two aisles met. Across all of them were rows of lamps — not the usual firefly lamps that everypony used, nor were they solar bulbs, and they weren't hydro-thaumic powered bulbs like the ones used in Canterlot, Manehattan, or tiny Ponyville with its hydro-thaumic dam. They were the type of lamps, jars, and boxes in various revivals of ancient styles — the perfect kind for putting jinn in. Hanging from the edge of each shelf were signs that said 'DO NOT SHAKE' followed by a note about the 'break it, bought it' policy that Mother Zawadi had in her store, and hanging below that was a certificate of approval from the Equestrian Board of Welfare for Lesser Magic Beings, Constructs, and Spirits and pamphlets offering customer testimony.
Twilight Sparkle looked patiently at Princess Celestia, obediently expecting an explanation. Rarity, however, did no such thing, and instead asked: "Princess, just what do these do?"
"Here, take a look," said the Alicorn, lighting her horn up with gold and withdrawing a deliberately specific pamphlet before passing it to Rarity. Afterward, she scooped up a jar designed like a miniature Arcadian pithos and clutched it closely.
Rarity could see from the label on the pithos that its tag advertised a sleep paralysis spirit, which did not exactly sound very pleasant. But who was Rarity to question the Princess? She stepped closer to her marefriend so that they could both read the corresponding pamphlet for the sleep paralysis spirits together:
A report submitted by a Baltimare couple: Family stallion Rumbling Stormcloud succumbed today to both boredom and the exotic allure of Thelkkphegorg, the sleep paralysis demon who wakes him up nightly, Stormcloud himself admitted. He did so after remembering he had purchased the spirit and while quarantined with the feather flu.
“I first noticed Thelkkphegorg at the beginning of my quarantine. Being unemployed and finally able to catch up on sleep, you can imagine how upset I was to be woken up at 3 a.m. by a half goat-crab, half-shadow entity with a thousand phalluses, choking me out of my rest,” Stormcloud said. “Eventually I thought to myself, ‘My wife hasn’t choked me like that since our honeymoon.’ After the 10th day I finally realized that although Thelkkphegorg’s body is pretty incomprehensible to mortals, I still know a juicy posterior when I see one. You’re from another dimension? Well, that posterior got dimension!’”
"Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious," said Rarity, fanning herself with the pamphlet instead of reading onward. "Different strokes suit different ponies, I suppose. My dearest Twilight was scandalized by some of the hats being sold a few aisles back, and here I am witnessing something genuinely quite risque if I do say so myself. Never would I think I would see the day where spirits are summoned, conjured, bound, or bottled for such a purpose."
Next to her, Twilight Sparkle stood as stiff as a weathervane and emitted a faint squeak. Her eyes were cloudy pinpricks of nervousness looking everywhere but where she was, and the littlest princess had paled a few shades of purple.
"Oh heavens," said Princess Celestia softly, "I didn't intend to get this for that purpose. I was just looking for the most bizarre creature offered, and the sleep paralysis ones have the most variety. All of the others are quite standard for jinn, house spirits, and the like. All of those would end up being too forgettable as millennium tokens when they're — as Rarity said, summoned, conjured, bound, or bottled — for much more specific purposes. What you see offered in this store is temporary contracts with very simple spirits, most of which are geared towards providing my little ponies with temporary help of some kind. Nothing as unethical as meddling with genuine ghosts."
"B-But—" Twilight stammered.
"Oh yes," Princess Celestia snickered, "Discord is quite the fan of those."
Rarity simply gave a loud and un-ladylike snort before lighting her horn to pass the pamphlet back to the Princess. "I do believe your approval is all we need to know that the gift is good enough. Our search was fruitful after all, and Twilight and I even found a gift for Spike. Might I ask if anything else inspired the gift, if it is not too forward? Though, if I have any place in asking: what if the contracts with these spirits is, ah, limited and single purpose?"
"Yes, of course, Rarity — but thank you for asking anyway. So many ponies in the most unexpected places can lack proper manners, and it is good to see that they're never forgotten by you. I simply think that this suits Discord's type of humor, and that he shall find that this spirit is similarly chaotic in ways I am not able to provide. If you think about it, Discord doesn't have any friends that are like him — except maybe Pinkie Pie. Every good pony should have the chance to find somepony like them. I don't think Discord is an exception to that — plus, I'll have to tell him where I got this. You simply can't understand how funny it is to purchase medicines — of any sort, honestly — for beings who rarely sicken and who are immune to death or fading away. I can't think of any comparison to something mortals would understand..."
Rarity cleared her throat politely. "And my second question?"
Princess Celestia gave a slow blink. "Ah, I'd nearly forgotten — well, if that's the case, I take no issue with things. We've always had an open relationship," said the Princess calmly.
Rarity and Twilight nodded in understanding. It was always important for them to know that those closest to them had good relationships — whether it was their fellow Element Bearers or somepony else.
"Is..." Twilight began, "...is Discord even, y'know, bi? The spirit in the pamphlet sounds... male."
"Hmm," said Princess Celestia, as she hummed faintly, her expression as serene as ever. "I believe he is about as bisexual as I am — which is to say not at all. But, I think I'll let him work that one out. I have a bottle containing a spirit whose name I couldn't pronounce through a mouthful of tea — or without one — and that's simply perfect. He's going to love this, I just know it."
Medicine for the deathless
is a joke fit for those it includes
to give something useless
for the mere amusement of gods
is to cater to the wants
of beings without needs.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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No joke, Twilight's little spiel here was unironically one of the best written depictions of autism that I have seen.
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The author may or may not be autistic too.
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Hella based
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What? No! Especially in this fandom!
FYI, so am I
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Yoooooo based alert
And that's why she's second best pony.
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Now I gotta ask, who do you think is best pony?
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Probably Luna. Which is funny since 99% of my favs are about Twilight. But there just aren't that many popular stories about Luna that aren't oc/anon shipping unfortunately. Or TwiLuna which is fine but most of them also tend to focus on Twilight..
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- MLP: FiM
- Romance
How often have we been invited out, and yet, left alone? Spike knows the pain of being alone at a party, and apparently, so does Princess Luna. What will the two learn about each other as they get progressively drunk throughout the night?- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Slice of Life
Spike is sacrificing every second he can to sleeping—not because he is lazy, but so he may be with his love: Princess Luna. Unable to expose their affection to the world, they hide it within a dreamscape. But they crave more. Will the dream end?- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Dark
Equestria has fallen to a curse of eternal darkness. Together with the spirit of Luna, a stallion seeks to return the sun and moon to the sky, before the Devourer consumes all.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
Princess Luna never asked for a guard to be stationed directly beneath her private balcony, nor did she welcome his sudden appearance, nor could she wait to speak with him again.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Adventure
Saving the world one day at a time, over and over again.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Drama
- Slice of Life
A chance meeting at a ruined gala leads to opportunity. Luna longs to recover from her isolation and the shadows of her past, and she clings to the one pony whose music provides her comfort. She might not be the only benefactor in the arrangement...- MLP: FiM
- Adventure
Twilight has to deal with new powers and troubles as an Alicorn.She's not tagged in this story but she is in it and a major character.
- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Sad
Nightmare seeks her lost love.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Slice of Life
Luna asks her marefriend a question. Maybe it would seem strange. Maybe it shouldn't have been weighing on her mind in uncertainty the way it was. Maybe the answer should have been obvious. Regardless, she asks.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Drama
Helping an aspiring fashion designer with her crush, the Princess of the Night is reminded of a love she had left behind.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Dark
- Drama
The Cutie Map summons Luna on her first friendship mission, and she'll be going with her girlfriend, Fluttershy. The only hitch is that it seems to be sending them to another world entirely. Some place called... Hell, was it?- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Drama
Every time she goes to sleep, Princess Luna dreams of the same faceless mare.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Adventure
- Sad
The royal guard pony Warden has waited a thousand years for Luna's return from exile.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Sad
Octavia has a secret, and Luna has a crush. What happens when the two collide?- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Sad
The Apple Family matron has a secret she's been hiding all these long years. Princess Luna pleads with that very special mare to come clean.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Drama
On a cold winter's night, two ponies find themselves trapped in a kingdom of eternal summer.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Slice of Life
Before her fall, Luna lived entire lifetimes as a mortal pony. She now wishes to do so again, and elects to spend some time with Twilight Sparkle and her friends. She never expected to fall madly in love.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Slice of Life
- Tragedy
A tale of regret, redemption, and romance starring Luna, Applejack, Celestia, Twilight, and all their past mistakes.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
In Luna's day, lovers wooed one another with splendorous poetry, beautiful songs, fancy dinners, and flowery niceties. But to gain the affection of an unconventional mare, she's taken steps for an unconventional confession.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Drama
Scansion wakes up to find beautiful poems he doesn't remember writing. Is the lonely goddess of the night reaching out to him in the only way she can, or is he chasing shadows?These would be my favorite non-TwiLuna, non-Anon romances. I'm not much of a fan of TwiLuna either but if you read any TwiLuna stories, the two on the site that I think anyone should read are these two:
- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Dark
- Adventure
Celestia disappears, Equestria falls apart, and Twilight goes West to recover her lost teacher.This is honestly just one of the best stories on the site in general and one of the stories I'm proudest to have in my printed ponyfic collection.
- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Adventure
Twilight and Luna explore a land that appears on no map11830570
I suppose my comment was a bit of an overstatement . Funnily enough I actually have like half of these in my read it later library. That list just grows longer each day though so i'll have to see if I ever manage to get them all before being burnt out
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You have good taste in horeswords, then.