• Member Since 14th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Chris


Author, former Royal Canterlot Library curator, and the (retired) reviewer at One Man's Pony Ramblings.

T
Source

Rainbow Dash kills herself.

Again.

And it's up to Twilight and the girls to bring her back.

Again.

*****

Originally written for the Through Fire writeoff event; thank you to all the reviewers there for helping me polish this story up. Cover art by perfect-for-any-occasion mimbl.exe.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 54 )

Oh, Rainbow. :facehoof:

I'm not entirely sure what the heck I just read, but I've got this nagging feeling I was several orders of magnitude too sober for it... o_o

All joking aside, the dark humor surprisingly enough worked and I found myself actually enjoying the insanity; to a degree at least. :rainbowlaugh:

Posh #3 · August 18th · · ·

Brings back memories.

Applejack stopped chuckling. “…Are you ser—no, actually, that’s fine, let’s go with that. Yup, lotta sheep-shearing accidents.”

The less said about Big Mac's trips to Griffonstone, the better.

“I still write letters to Celestia,” said Fluttershy, looking around in confusion. “When did the rest of you stop writing letters to Celestia?”

Headcanon accepted. It's not even all life lessons. Sometimes it's just pleasant correspondence.

It's like they say: Friends help you move. Real friends help you move a body. True friends help you reunite body and soul. All in all, hilarious Dash silliness. (Dashenanigans? BalderDash?) Thank you for it.

This is exactly what I needed today.

“…Right. Anyway, I won’t keep you long. I was just hoping you could tell me how you get bloodstains off of furniture.”

...what...the...heck...?

“The first time you killed yourself, I think all of us understood,” Twilight put in. Then she frowned. “Well, for a certain definition of ‘understood,’ anyway. Part of me still refuses to believe you couldn’t grasp the inevitable consequences of attempting the ‘Super-Secret Wonderbolts Technique of Jumping Off a Cliff With an Anvil Strapped to Each Wing.’”

WHAT???

“Wait! What if… okay, what if all of us are trapped in the middle of the desert, and there’s nothing to eat, and the only way for the rest of you to survive is for me to kill myself so you can cannibalize me?”

...why...?

“Um, Rainbow Dash?” asked Fluttershy. “Why don’t you have any legs?”

WHAAAAAT????? (Also am I the only one who thought of the confession from Tomska?

“She said it’s like a birthday, but on the day you would’ve been born if you weren’t born on your birthday.”

...

Yeah that sounds like Pinkie.

“ Better to ask forgiveness than permission !” cried Rainbow, and before Twilight could react, Dash slammed her head down on Twilight’s horn. As Rainbow’s body suddenly became dead weight, Twilight was awkwardly thrown to the ground, locked in a forehead-embrace with the newly-deceased pegasus.

XD okay that was funny.

Okay, overall, this was a really funny story! I haven't laughed like this in a long time. There were a few things I noticed in the writing but I don't like correcting people, so I'll let someone else do that. Congrats, you made my day.

Applejack is honest and stubborn.

Big Mac is soft-spoken and reliable.

Apple Bloom is excitable and reckless.

Granny Smith is casually and unapologetically racist towards all non-earth-pony races.

Noticed Pinkie wasn't there and thought she was just strangely quiet for some reason. The truth is way better.:pinkiehappy::rainbowlaugh:

For a similar story click THIS LINK HERE

Hahha you got me with that last line!

dont know why but when she came back with no legs and pinkie want there my mind went straight to cupcakes and that pinkie had found the body and decided to do some recycling

:moustache: Oh great! They left me behind on their adventure... Again.
I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't keep making messes for me to clean up.
Feathers blood more feathers more blood Opal must of got another bird again, A big one.

10391748

She's 300+ years old, we have to give her a little understanding and take what she says with a grain of salt.

Granny Smith, such a wise pony...

10392091 who are you

Rainbow...Rainbow. You're not helping to dissuade the stereotype that Pegasi aren't the brightest bulbs...

This may be a crackfic, but if RD found that life had a reset button, I can't imagine her not becoming rather more reckless.

"Hey, I figured that if Flash Magnus could take on two full-grown dragons and win, I could handle three, easy."

10391451

Sheep and cows talk and presumably have some rights, but pigs don't talk and I've never bought the alternate explanations for keeping them (truffles? Where are they going to look for them? The Everfree?) That Applejack fattens them up and then sells them to the Griffins or other omnivorous/carnivorous species has in fact been my head canon for some time.

"“I still write letters to Celestia,” said Fluttershy, looking around in confusion. “When did the rest of you stop writing letters to Celestia?”

"I mean, why would you stop? It's not like some sort of 'cosmic showrunners' are frequently editing our reality and changing our very motivations and behavior in a desperate effort to 'keep things fresh', after all."

Rainbow, you scatter-brained...

You know what? It's fine. Carry on...

Speaking of taxes, I'd stick her soul in a jar and then make her listen to me read a tax law book to her every time she did it until she stops.

Taxes, the one true immortal! Which is all the more reason for Dash not to be immortal, because at the end of time itself, it will just be her and taxes.

I realize this is crackfic, but I love it; almost Vasquez-ian humor achieved, and I really do like the nonchalance with which everyone, save Fluttershy, appreciates the situation.

10391774
10391818
Now I'm wondering how many people notice that before they get to the reveal. And how many of them think it's a mistake until they get there!

10391864
That's a funny one, all right! In fact, I reviewed it, back when I was doing story reviews myself! So, thanks for comparing me to something good.

10391974
10392734
10392863

You know, I waffled over whether that joke/tieback was the right place to end this fic when I was editing; seeing you all like it makes me glad I stuck with it. Thanks!

10391748
10392280
10392255

Granny Smith is full of folksy, down-home wisdom, all of which is at least three generations out of date.

10391366
10391395
10391415
10391451
10391612
10391640
10392017
10392091
10392449
10392451
10392533
10392880

And to everyone else (I think I got everyone else) who commented: thank you! It's always nice to see people enjoying your story, quoting lines, and otherwise having fun with something you wrote. You guys made my day.

This story was... oddly but refreshingly wholesome for the dark humor subject matter.

Thanks for writing it. Made my morning just a bit better. :raritywink:

Well... here's the thing...

The perfect way to enforce the "No suicide" rule...

Is to figure out the combination that takes away her wings.

"MAKE HER AN EARTH PONY, A FEW YEARS ON THE FARM SHOULD SORT THAT PESKY SUICIDE URGE OUT OF HER!" -Granny Smith

TDR

Twilight put her hoof to her face. “She hasn’t even explained yet, and I already have a headache.”

This killed me...... send the elements.

Call me cold and uncaring but I think I would of stopped at the second time. (revival, not life). She is clearly too stupid to both live or breed. Let her take her rest. That is a vary disloyal notion though.


on that note; why is she in Tartarus? is she that evil? or do all good ponies go to greek hell?

ah! same author as Artistic License. Thank you. I had misplaced the fic.

love it

10393812 After what we've seen in the show... can any of us explain how Tartarus even works?

I mean, Tirek was able to throw Celestia and Luna down there. And then a bunch of animals were thrown in there. The continuity for Tartarus was... just about the same as it was for everything else in the show. :facehoof:

So yeah, Dashie just goes to Pony Hell because reasons. Which is why everything in the show happened. :trollestia:

10394287
based on cannon; it is Celestia's prison. nothing more and nothing less. (And its security is worse than Canterlot Castle). The fact it looks like parts of the greek underworld and shares a name with one section seems to be a coincidence. This fic portrays Tartarus as the greek underworld (which consisted of at least three large pieces) which prompted my question.

Now I really want to know which pieces end up missing with each Element... ^^;;;

Rainbow Dash being every bit as brilliant as expected. Love it.

That last line tho :twilightsmile:

10391864
I was wondering where that view spike came from.

Twilight should add another term: Rainbow has to clean up her own body next time.

Brilliant story, from start to finish! Something about Stupid-Rainbow and Gory-Demise just... it just works. :rainbowlaugh:

"After all, I'm a Princess, which means I have the power to enforce debts, with the whole government of Equestria at my back. And the only thing more certain than death… is taxes."

Sequel: (EQG) RD and Joker Evade the IRS

10392533
Her brain truly is scattered now. All across the room. :pinkiecrazy:

You might say that the last experience has made her a more open minded pony.

I'm supremely disappointed in myself for not realizing sooner that this has been in the feature box these last few days.

Loved it when I first read it, and love it even more now. I'm glad to see it spruced up and better than ever. :D

This was the funniest story about suicide I've ever read.

This looked really familiar for a moment, then I saw that it came from the WriteOff and it all clicked. Really happy to see Dash dashing herself again. Good laughs all around.

I found this hilarious.

I found this quite hilarious. Great story. Fun to read! And kids, don't kill yourself, just because you have magic friends.

Have to wonder. Would the giant Tartarus staircase make the place heaven or hell for Sombra.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!