• Member Since 1st Nov, 2020
  • offline last seen June 4th

hamster wizard

Hitchin' a ride


This is satire.

Celestia is dead. Mistakes were made.

Contains: blood, naughty words.

Cover art is Friar Pedro Shoots El Maragato as His Horse Runs Off by Francisco José de Goya y Lucientes and badly edited by me.

Now with a reading by StraightToThePointStudio, feel free to check it out!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 56 )

You kind of glossed over Celestia recovering. She was just up.

This is literally just Heavy is Dead but with Celestia and I am all for it.

Also I think Celestia is dead, dunno if that's an oversight

Now I wanna read it even more!

Amusing concept, but it could've used some fleshing out. Much like Celestia. :derpytongue2: As is, you lean too heavily on too few jokes.

You had a good premise, but you kind of rushed the punchline.

Still, not bad for your first story. I'm going to put it on my metaphorical refrigerator.

That cover art LOL

:trollestia:"I'm not dead!"
:twilightoops:"What was that?"
:trollestia:"I'm not dead!"
:twilightoops:"Dash, she said she's not dead."
:rainbowderp:"Of course she is."
:trollestia:"I'm not!"
:twilightoops:"She isn't."
:rainbowderp:"Well, she will be soon. She's badly hurt."
:trollestia:"I'm getting better!"
:rainbowderp:"No you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment."

I love this! Its dark, but it has a punchline. Good job! Keeping this in my brain from now on.

Thanks everyone for all the feedback! I'll make sure to remember it!

She was dead and then suddenly is alive with no fanfare was kind of what I was going for, but I don't want to be too abrupt.

That's fair, I'll admit I was unsure about making things drag on for to long.

The main lesson I'm taking away is that things were too rushed overall, so I'll make sure to work on it! Not like rewrite this story, I mean for next time.

Honestly only one thing comes to mind.

“Who would ever find this funny?”

This had no business being this damn funny.

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: Okay, that was too good!

this... this needs a sequel...

Well, that was Idiotic.

Fun fact: Immortal does mean an inability to die. You can see this in the structure of the wording "im" which in derived from the Latin root "in" meaning "not", and "mortal" meaning able to die. As such "im" "mortal" means the inability to die. On the other hand invincible is the quality of being unable to be harmed or impervious to any form of damage.

(Just wanna make clear that this isn't a critique of the story just some fun linguistic stuff)

Now this is just super brilliant! Everything from start to end is all just funny and crazy and I love how you wrote this! It's such a great read! I hope you didn't mind, but I made a lil' reading on this story!

Audio Linkyloo!: https://youtu.be/_ckSpKpncKE

(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)

"Off to hang myself!"

Thank you, that is indeed a fun fact.
Cool! I'm flattered that anyone would do a reading of this. I'll make sure to check it out!
"I am alive! Is nice."

Twilight Sparkle recovered from her mental breakdown and went on to do many princessey things. She later suffered several existential breakdowns upon reaching the realization that she herself could never die. This lead to a large number of very public meltdowns which inadvertently bolstered her popularity tremendously on the world stage. One of the most famous of these involved her challenging an 80 foot dragon to a fight with nothing but a bowling pin and an empty pizza box; a duel which she eventually won after 13 hours when the dragon yielded.

This demands to be written! I love a good ol' Twilighting Twilight. It never gets old :D

Quite a funny story you've got here! Liked!

Princess Celestia had a long talk with her apprentice about the dangers of murdering other ponies to prove a point, win bets, or to satisfy curiosity. She also uninstalled every one of her antique guillotine-style chandeliers from Canterlot castle, stating that, quote: “I’ll never forgive what they did to my ass. That’s Equestria’s ass, and it must be avenged.” end quote.

God dammit, I died laughing. Good story overall.

Yeah, this is stupid.

Ponykind need to know how you beat a dragon whit a bowling pin :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

You had me at Whoops.

“Her ass is 50 feet away from her torso! THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERE. I didn’t even know one pony could have this much blood, it’s horrifying!”

I dunno why, but this made me crack up.

I have no idea what I just read except that I laughed for 5 minutes straight after reading this:

“I’ll never forgive what they did to my ass. That’s Equestria’s ass, and it must be avenged.” end quote.

Also. Heavy is dead referencing is always a win.

Fan-freaking-tastic. Made me laugh. Great use of the last 15 minutes of my shift at work.

A sequel? Maybe eventually. I've got some other one shots I want to work on right now, but I wouldn't be against it, or at least some kind of continuation.

“Immortality and invincibility are completely different Twilight.”

Immortal is indeed misleading.
I use 'Everlasting' for Princesses
Only immortals are Discord and possibly Sombra....

Good luck killing those for good.


The title made me think it would be more philosophical but...hah... I'm not sure if I learned anything!

This action was rather futile, as entire front half of her body

as the entire

Just to nitpick a bit... Invincible means that you cant be victorious against it.
So it CAN be wounded in theory but that is not going to get you victory.
Invulnerable is the term that means impossible to wound.

I watched half of "Heavy Is Dead" and I thought it seemed different.

I think, just because two stories involve an argument over whether somecreature is dead, doesn't mean that one is parroting the other.

On the other hand, I'm still not sure what this story is a satire of.

Author Interviewer

“Who would ever find this funny?”

Gee, I-I dunno. :twilightblush:

Dear Princess Celestia,

I didn't learn anything!

Lost it at the bit about the duel, and again at the apparent realization that Luna can go into Mr Burns level of laughing fits.

Celestia: “It is good day to be not dead!”
Twilight Sparkle: “Pow! You are dead!”
Celestia: “I am dead!” Dies
Rainbow Dash: “Oh! The Celestia is dead!”
Celestia: “Yes. I am dead!”

Rainbow: Why is the Celestia dead?
Twilight: I don't know.
Celestia: I think it was-
R & T: Shh! You are dead!
Celestia: Okay.

Does this mean that Celestia has regenerative immortality?

Maybe. We should double check. :pinkiecrazy:

At this point Twilight had broken down crying, and Rainbow Dash had broken through one of the windows, making a getaway.

Ah the element of loyalty at its finest, good to see this story is canon-compliant...as wrong as it sounds *sigh* :)

I have no idea what I'm doing

Well her one half rejoin her other half, and she's not dead, nor does she have any scars.

So technically. In a manner of speaking.

That or she has Resurrective Immortality. Which this kind of looks like.

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