Whoops
“Hey, Twilight?”
“Hm?”
“I have a question.”
“Yes?”
Rainbow Dash shuffled her hooves and stared up at the ceiling for a moment before continuing.
“Um...”
“Um?”
“Sorry, I need a sec.”
“Take your time.”
The two of them stood side by side in silence for a moment before Rainbow looked ahead and began speaking.
“So, this is an awkward question.”
“It’s fine Dash, we're friends. Just say what’s on your mind.” Twilight responded in a motherly tone.
Rainbow took a moment to center herself, glancing off to the side briefly before going forward.
“So,” a brief pause, “Is Celestia dead?”
The two lingered awkwardly, letting the question sink in.
“Dead?” Asked Twilight, somewhat incredulously.
“Yeah.”
“No, of course not.”
“Oh, good.” Rainbow Dash said, sounding rather unconvinced as she wiped some blood off of her face. This action was rather futile, as the entire front half of her body was splattered with a copious amount of red, staining her coat and feathers. She flicked her tongue, ejecting a single white feather from her mouth.
Staring ahead, Rainbow Dash beheld the scene before her, a beautiful golden chandelier, adorned with clear glistening crystals lay in a mangled mess on the floor. Shattered bits and pieces had found their way across the entire hall. Rainbow idly shook a piece of glass out of her mane.
And there was the blood. There was a lot of that. All over the carpet.
“She’s not getting up though.”
“She will.”
Rainbow looked to her friend after this assertion, and observed the zen expression on her face. She also observed her eye twitch slightly every few seconds, but reasoned she may just have gotten some blood in it.
She then looked at Princess Celestia, and looked away shortly after.
“She looks fine.” Twilight asserted.
“She does.” Rainbow confirmed.
Rainbow coughed slightly and looked off to the far side of the hall.
“That half of her over there looks okay too.”
“Quite.” Twilight looked to Rainbow dash and then continued. “I’m surprised how sharp that chandelier was though, it’s a good thing we took it down.”
“Twilight, Celestia is fucking dead.”
“It would have been a real safety hazard. Imagine if it fell on somepony.”
“It did. Princess Celestia? She’s dead.”
“No she’s not.”
“Yes she is Twilight!” Rainbow Dash finally snapped, beginning to get irate. “We dropped a fucking chandelier on her and sliced her in half! It was horrible!”
“We did that, yes. But as I said, Celestia is immortal. She can’t die. I dropped the chandelier on her to prove that, and as soon as she gets up we’ll all have a good laugh and you’ll owe me 50 bits.”
“Immortality and invincibility are completely different Twilight.”
“Glad to see that page a day vocabulary calendar I got you is paying off.”
“It is, but we killed the princess Twi.”
“No we didn’t, because Celestia can’t die. Everypony knows that. She’s lived for over 1,000 years, fought in hundreds of battles, slain godlike foes and survived more than mortals like us could ever comprehend. She can’t be killed by a chandelier because she can’t be killed period.”
“TWILIGHT!”
“Yes?”
“Her ass is 50 feet away from her torso! THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERE. I didn’t even know one pony could have this much blood, it’s horrifying!”
“Actually, this is a fairly standard amount of blood for a pony of her size.”
“We killed the princess, we’re going to jail for mareslaughter Twilight!”
“Oh no, Rainbow, that would never happen.”
“Because I’m a hero of Equestria, and my good friend Twilight Sparkle will vouch for me?”
“No, because this would be regicide, not mareslaughter; and the sentence for regicide is death. But that doesn’t matter because Celestia isn’t dead.”
At this point the two guards who had been waiting outside decided to investigate the shouting coming from the throne room. The two of them; both nondescript identical pegasus stallions, entered the room and let the massive double doors shut behind them. The scene that they were met with was very strange. Several minutes prior, princess Celestia had gone into the throne room with national heroes Rainbow Dash and princess Twilight Sparkle to have a personal meeting at the request of princess Twilight. Now it appeared as though one of the rulers of Equestria had been sheared in half by a very nice yet incredibly sharp and heavy chandelier, and her two guests were standing before the scene having a polite conversation. The two guards were understandably confused.
“Hey Phil.”
“Ya?”
“Question.”
“Shoot, Don.”
Don, who had spoken first, took a moment to find his words before getting frustrated and turning to face the door.
“Shit, sorry, lost my train of thought there.”
“Hey, mate, it happens.”
“Hold on a sec.” Don shook his head and made a silly whirring noise with his mouth before turning back to the spectacle within the room, standing beside his fellow soldier.
“Alright. So. Here’s the deal. Right?”
“Right.”
“See, it looks like, maybe-”
“Hm?”
“And I’m having trouble processing this.”
“Hey, no pressure pal, just let it out.”
Don, sighed, shut his eyes for a seconds, and then began slowly speaking.
“Maybe, the princess is dead. Princess Celestia that is. Luna and Cadence aren’t here, and princess Twilight is obviously fine.”
“Celestia?”
“The princess.”
“Dead?”
“Yes.”
Phil took a hoof and rubbed his chin slowly, taking in the scene before him. Rainbow Dash appeared to be shaking princess Twilight’s shoulders violently, shouting something or another into her face as the princess remained mostly stoic.
“Nah, couldn’t be. Celestia, she’s immortal, yeah?”
“Yeah, but I think you’re confusing bein’ immortal with bein’ invincible. Pretty sure immortal just means you can’t get old. Invincible means you can’t die.” Don nodded at his own statement, feeling proud of his assessment.
“I’m pretty sure immortal means you can’t die ever though. Not just from getting old.”
“No no, I feel like that’s a common misunderstanding. Like, she’s lived for a really long time, but I doubt she’s ever been sliced in half by a chandelier before, ya’ know?”
“True, I would’ve remembered this.”
At this point Twilight had broken down crying, and Rainbow Dash had broken through one of the windows, making a getaway.
“Hey Phil.”
“Yeah?”
“Does this mean we’re fired?”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Oh.”
The two of them stood there, pondering what to do next when princess Celestia walked up to them and said, “Could you two start cleaning up this mess please. I need to have a talk with Twilight about, fucking something, I don’t even know. Damn my ass hurts.”
The princess then walked over and comforted her student. It was sweet.
There was still blood all over the carpet though.
“You know, this is kind of funny when you think about it.” Don said.
“Who would ever find this funny?” Phil responded with a frown.
“I don’t know.”
They both paused as Don removed his helmet to scratch the side of his head.
"Princess Luna might.”
“Screw you.”
Phil and Don managed to keep their jobs as castle guards, and their superiors never found out that they allowed the princess to be murdered. They would go on to have successful careers, with Don even making captain later in life. Phil retired early, as he was certain the princess was shooting him dirty looks whenever they met.
Rainbow Dash flew nonstop for several days. She soon arrived in Yakyakistan where she remained for three weeks. She eventually learning that Celestia was still alive through an article in a less than reputable magazine for stallions that she swore wasn’t hers. She returned home and resumed her position on the Wonderbolts flying team. Whenever she was asked why she had disappeared for those few weeks, her excuses would change frequently; although they always centered on Twilight doing something stupid.
Twilight Sparkle recovered from her mental breakdown and went on to do many princessey things. She later suffered several existential breakdowns upon reaching the realization that she herself could never die. This lead to a large number of very public meltdowns which inadvertently bolstered her popularity tremendously on the world stage. One of the most famous of these involved her challenging an 80 foot dragon to a fight with nothing but a bowling pin and an empty pizza box; a duel which she eventually won after 13 hours when the dragon yielded.
Princess Celestia had a long talk with her apprentice about the dangers of murdering other ponies to prove a point, win bets, or to satisfy curiosity. She also uninstalled every one of her antique guillotine-style chandeliers from Canterlot castle, stating that, quote: “I’ll never forgive what they did to my ass. That’s Equestria’s ass, and it must be avenged.” end quote.
Princess Luna eventually learned of the event secondhand, and it is said that she laughed for a solid 4 hours, before taking a break for lunch and then resuming. It remains her favorite story to this day, and is frequently shared by her at social events after a few drinks.
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You kind of glossed over Celestia recovering. She was just up.
This is literally just Heavy is Dead but with Celestia and I am all for it.
Also I think Celestia is dead, dunno if that's an oversight
10524907
Now I wanna read it even more!
Amusing concept, but it could've used some fleshing out. Much like Celestia.
As is, you lean too heavily on too few jokes.
You had a good premise, but you kind of rushed the punchline.
Still, not bad for your first story. I'm going to put it on my metaphorical refrigerator.
That cover art LOL
I love this! Its dark, but it has a punchline. Good job! Keeping this in my brain from now on.
Thanks everyone for all the feedback! I'll make sure to remember it!
10524895
She was dead and then suddenly is alive with no fanfare was kind of what I was going for, but I don't want to be too abrupt.
10524953
That's fair, I'll admit I was unsure about making things drag on for to long.
10525034
The main lesson I'm taking away is that things were too rushed overall, so I'll make sure to work on it! Not like rewrite this story, I mean for next time.
Honestly only one thing comes to mind.
“Who would ever find this funny?”
Yo
This had no business being this damn funny.
Ha
this... this needs a sequel...
Well, that was Idiotic.
Fun fact: Immortal does mean an inability to die. You can see this in the structure of the wording "im" which in derived from the Latin root "in" meaning "not", and "mortal" meaning able to die. As such "im" "mortal" means the inability to die. On the other hand invincible is the quality of being unable to be harmed or impervious to any form of damage.
(Just wanna make clear that this isn't a critique of the story just some fun linguistic stuff)
Now this is just super brilliant! Everything from start to end is all just funny and crazy and I love how you wrote this! It's such a great read! I hope you didn't mind, but I made a lil' reading on this story!
Audio Linkyloo!: https://youtu.be/_ckSpKpncKE
(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)
10526134
"Off to hang myself!"
10526147
Perhaps.
10526527
Thank you, that is indeed a fun fact.
10526553
Cool! I'm flattered that anyone would do a reading of this. I'll make sure to check it out!
10526583
"I am alive! Is nice."
This demands to be written! I love a good ol' Twilighting Twilight. It never gets old :D
Simple good comedy
Quite a funny story you've got here! Liked!
pbs.twimg.com/media/DReqXyTXUAAZADs?format=jpg&name=large
Love it
God dammit, I died laughing. Good story overall.
10526764
Yeah, this is stupid.
10527526
Ponykind need to know how you beat a dragon whit a bowling pin
You had me at Whoops.
I dunno why, but this made me crack up.
I have no idea what I just read except that I laughed for 5 minutes straight after reading this:
Also. Heavy is dead referencing is always a win.
Loved this.
Fan-freaking-tastic. Made me laugh. Great use of the last 15 minutes of my shift at work.
10527526
10529329
A sequel? Maybe eventually. I've got some other one shots I want to work on right now, but I wouldn't be against it, or at least some kind of continuation.
Immortal is indeed misleading.
I use 'Everlasting' for Princesses
Only immortals are Discord and possibly Sombra....
Good luck killing those for good.
Alright!
The title made me think it would be more philosophical but...hah... I'm not sure if I learned anything!
as the entire
10526527
Just to nitpick a bit... Invincible means that you cant be victorious against it.
So it CAN be wounded in theory but that is not going to get you victory.
Invulnerable is the term that means impossible to wound.
10539677
Fixed, thanks!
10524907
I watched half of "Heavy Is Dead" and I thought it seemed different.
I think, just because two stories involve an argument over whether somecreature is dead, doesn't mean that one is parroting the other.
On the other hand, I'm still not sure what this story is a satire of.
Gee, I-I dunno.
10534698
Dear Princess Celestia,
I didn't learn anything!
10529602
Heh heh, crack.
Lost it at the bit about the duel, and again at the apparent realization that Luna can go into Mr Burns level of laughing fits.
Celestia: “It is good day to be not dead!”
Twilight Sparkle: “Pow! You are dead!”
Celestia: “I am dead!” Dies
Rainbow Dash: “Oh! The Celestia is dead!”
Celestia: “Yes. I am dead!”
10670149
Rainbow: Why is the Celestia dead?
Twilight: I don't know.
Celestia: I think it was-
R & T: Shh! You are dead!
Celestia: Okay.
Question.
Does this mean that Celestia has regenerative immortality?
10670229
Maybe. We should double check.
Ah the element of loyalty at its finest, good to see this story is canon-compliant...as wrong as it sounds *sigh* :)
I have no idea what I'm doing
10670229
Well her one half rejoin her other half, and she's not dead, nor does she have any scars.
So technically. In a manner of speaking.
That or she has Resurrective Immortality. Which this kind of looks like.