• Member Since 2nd Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 31 minutes ago

cornholio4


T

AU to a Canterlot Wedding with a twist. Shades of the movie.

Twilight left Equestria ashamed of calling Cadence evil without knowing she was replaced by Queen Chrysalis. The real Cadence was accidentally found and the Changeling invasion was foiled.

Since then Princess Celestia and her friends have been searching for Twilight.

2 years later the Crystal Empire returns and Twilight's friends are sent but it seemed that an armada led by the stern faced Tempest got there first. She is there on behalf of a new empire ruled by Queen Twilight.

20th January 2018, Featured! First of my stories that I know of to be featured on the main page!

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 378 )

first comment

Even without reading I'm sure that instead of Twilight Sparkle we got a poorly disguised OC who tried to pass herself for Twilight and failed horribly.

8677654
Not really, I don't want to go the angry at everything route

There is a big blowout panned but I don't want it to be the focus

8677666
"Twilight left Equestria ashamed " already don't sound like Twilight at all. And I really doubt that canon Shining, Cadance, Celestia and rest of M6 just let her "leave in shame".

"Commander Tempest, my name is Capper and let me be the first to pledge my allegiance and loyalty to her majesty, Queen Twilight!" Capper told the unicorn to the furious look on Verko's face for this betrayal.

Just thought it needed some correction.

Intrigued! Will be following this.

How interesting, this story look promise, great and better.

So Grubber, Celaeno, and Tempest had joined Twilight Sparkle, even Capper had joined Twilight as well.

8677670
Well it was an au of the ending of part 1
And they didn't even notice she was missing until she interrupted the wedding

As said by the words of Shaggy in Scooby Doo:

"I like it."

For a moment, when I saw the tag for Skystar, I was kinda worried about how Twilight and Queen Novo got along. But not now. I love how she helped them with the Storm King and protecting the Pearl.

Can't wait too see how they handle Sombra. The crystal ponies would probably be still slightly nervous around Tempest, since even when she's on the good side, she's still intimidating.

But hey, saving them would help.

I'm down for this AU, looking forward to hearing more about her queendom. I'm also looking forward to the blowout with her friends, but i see you already said that wasn't going to be your big focus, so I'll look forward to all the other cool stuff you have planned.

*PB*

Is this supposed to mean "page break"? If so, it feels disjointed, also usually *this* is used to convey a sound like *bzzzz* *splort*, or so.e other onomatopoeia. There is an [ hr ] bbcode that provides line/page breaks just as well.

An interesting concept you have going on. I personally like when Twilight doesn't make amends with the other she always forgives them all in all stories i have seen. I will keep a close look on this one.

this story is so awesome, please make more chapter soon or when you get the chance.

8677927 So you love it when Twilight keep hating her former friends, Shinning Armor, Spike and Princess Celestia?

Could it be? Did some actually take my idea and made a story out of it?

8678065
Depends how it's handled. As it always has been oh you are forgiven and there's no build up to that forgiveness. I like all redemed villains (Luna, Discord, Sunstet, Starlight and Tempest) and that they are forgiven but jow they do it is the problem. Yeah i some times like when people are not forgiven because well not all of us can forgive something that has been done to us.

Also i hope my las comment didn't offend you.

8678085 Your comment just confuse I that all and I have to agree with you I'm okay with how the former villains can be forgiven but for Twilight's friends, Shinning Armor, Spike and Princess Celestia they didn't just turn their back on Twilight the two of the main six went against their Elements and nearly destroy their bond of Friendship, the two males would had ended up as Changeling food, Celestia had made the same mistake again she was so focus on her own happiness that someone close to her was driven away but unlike Luna Twilight could had die.

For them it would a take a long time to be forgiven.

8678130
Personally I've always felt that Twilight holding a grudge over something that was partially her fault kind of spat in the face of her character.

So... Just read this, read the comments, and even though I enjoyed this, so don't get me wrong... I found an odd lack of complaints about grammar and punctuation. I love this concept, and it has a lot of room for potential, but I'm having trouble reading things correctly because there's commas in weird places, and no commas in places they should be. I also noticed some redundancy with some of the talking. But most of all, your stuff seemed very run-on. And by that I mean that I noticed a lot of run-on sentences.

So, there was a lot of sort of negative commenting there, but again, don't get me wrong I enjoy this idea and would like to see it prosper, which is why I would like to offer my services as an editor. If you're interested in my offer just send me a DM and I'll tell you what I'll do.

8678271
I mean I don't know about anybody else but I read alot of stories where English is a second language for the author for I have a pretty high tolerance when it comes to errors.

I loving this story already.:pinkiehappy:

8678082
Mainly just a big coinceadence

8677905
Fixed it, thanks
I never knew how to do the code thing and I usually just use page break for my stories on fanfiction.net

The premise is awesome, the story looks promising . . . but the actual writing and storytelling needs some work.

I think this story is off to a good start, but it needs a bit of editing and proofreading to make it easier to read and follow. The mark of a good story is that the readers forget that what they're reading is a story, and they get lost in the adventures of the main cast. This one needs a bit more work to reach that point.

I'd offer to help myself if I wasn't already busy with two other fics along with my own. Instead, I'll advise you to look for help in The Proofreader Group. I want to see where this story goes.

Oohh! Update.:pinkiecrazy:
Also,

"As long as you are alright Tempest but please call me Twilight unless you want me to refer to you by your other name." Twilight told her with a smile which made Tempest step back with a nod.

Is this one of those stories that ignores the fact that Shining Armor was being manipulated by Chrysalis? What exactly do people think the spell she cast on him was doing?

Other than that good chapter.

8679682
I won't be ignoring that as its not clear how much was mind control or was it his free will

8679682
8679691
Glad to hear it, i was worried about that too. Poor guy had hos wedding trashed and lost his sister, and I'd hate to see him getting punished for being a victim too. :ajsleepy:
Besides him punishing himself or something like that.

prettify

Petrify

This story is getting interesting.:yay:

Princess Celestia felt like she had failed to find one the ponies that were closest she had to a daughter. She should have been more alert about suspicious behaviour, especially since she knew there was something evil about.

probably should be one of the
also probably should be were the closest

8679821
if you want i could pre-read your stories and help you find mistakes

8679832
Might go for a proofreader at some point but I don't feel comfortable at the moment

and next time, twilight meet cadnace and learn the truth, and we may learn all of what has happen to twilight.....

The idea is really good but I’m a bit driven back by the execution. There is a bit too many typos and mispelled words for my liking. I think there also is an issue with rythm, with scenes too rushed and short, like the one with Sombra attacking Twilight, dealt with in 4 lines. I would have suggested to mention this scene as in the recent past, not in present time for it to be so brief. I recommend looking for a proofreader to help with typos and pacing.

Honestly, the pacing's really rushed but! But! This idea is HELLA cool, and I real excited to see how this turns out :D

This story is off to a great start. I look forward to seeing how things develop.

Interesting premise but nerds a lot more work. Twilight feels ooc

be used to prettify any creature it comes into contact with

Poor Sombra suddenly found himself bedecked in ribbons and lace... :pinkiehappy:

I've read these two chapters, and all I can say is this:

This is really telly, with not enough show to make up for it. In fact, i have the impression that I'm in fact reading a summarized version of the story itself.

Don't get me wrong, if those elements are corrected - and you can get an editor to aid you in improving your craft, then the quality of each release will raise dramatically.

I give you plus points for a different take on these type of story, but I do suggest you read Harry Potter or other fantasy stories - that way you'll see why I'm saying you're in fact telling, rather than showing us what is happening in the narrative. Each thing has its own place, and I believe you can improve further if you can get the hang of it. :twilightsmile:

8680745
I plan to show the world as well but thanks

8680802
Umm... I think you misunderstood me.

'Show', in narrative, means to portray in words something akin to a movie - the author doesn't tell the audience what is happening, but uses nuances and details to portray a scene, a relation, or even a whole world.

'Tell', on the other hand, is the author telling the audience what is happening in a more direct fashion, thus not allowing the audience to make a picture of what is happening.

I hope this explanation helps you pinpoint what I mean, and if I'm not clear enough... you could always ask for assistance at the Writer's Group. I'm certain they'll be glad to help.

All that is needed is a willingness to improve.

8680809
That is exactly what I meant
Though in the case of Harry Potter, from what I read they do use descriptions to shwo what happened in passage of time

8680905
You're really not understanding what they mean at all.

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