Things Turn Sour
Once they got inside the palace, the Equestrians stared awkwardly at Twilight who stared awkwardly back at them with Tempest, the Harmony Guard and Grubber at her side. Then suddenly it was broken by Twilight magically pulling them into a hug while rambling:
“I am so sorry about what happened at the rehearsal! I hope you can all forgive me, especially you Shining and Cadence. I am so sorry for leaving without telling anypony and how I almost ruined your wedding. Spike, I so missed you and everybody else. I hope you have been washing behind your ears......”
The Equestrians took a moment to relax as they all hugged Twilight back with Spike especially happy in how she addressed him specifically (though embarrassing how she had done so). Anymore discussion could wait but at the moment, they finally had their friend back.
“Wow, so sappy and all that.” Commented Grubber out loud and everyone gave a stare at him. “Sorry, did I ruin an emotional moment?” Grubber asked sheepishly as Tempest shook her head at him.
“We will be here if you need us your majesty, I will let you have your moment with your friends.” Tempest told Twilight with a bow as Twilight gave a slight nod to her with a smile. It felt odd to Equestrians as Twilight was silently acknowledging a friend and not her captain of the guard.
“So Twilight, have you been in a lot of places since you ran away?” Pinkie shouted with a big smile to shaking heads of the Equestrians but Twilight smiled. She definitely missed Pinkie being Pinkie.
“Well before I met Tempest and formed the Harmony Kingdom, the first adventure I had got on took me through this magic portal to this land without magic...” Twilight began to explain as Pinkie chimed in. It was just when the others were anxious to hear about what she was up to.
“Ooh, did you meet a meanie and different versions of us but formed the power of friendship to make her a good guy. There they would have their own spin off which included us being big meanies to the former big meanie due to contrived circumstances set up by the CMC?” Pinkie chimed in again as everybody blinked.
Even for Pinkie standards, that last bit seemed like a stretch. Though for the other four elements it struck them the idea of them turning on a friend and being a jerk due to contrived circumstances... it made them silently groan.........
“No, I can’t say that happened Pinkie...” Twilight responded to much disappointment and shock from Pinkie.
“Though the land without magic I went to did involve redemption for bad guys, but it was a cursed place connected to this forest where all magic came at a price.” Twilight explained with a shrug as everybody tilted their heads.
Just what had Twilight been up to?
“But can we please address the elephant in the room?” Spike asked pointing to Twilight’s wings. Before anybody could respond there was a squeal of delight as they then looked to an elephant that had been cleaning the palace.
“Finally, I had been here since day one and that was the first time someone even noticed me!” the elephant cried tears of joy as he then went back to work.
Their eyes widened and they blinked but Grubber just sighed.
“Look, I asked the land of the elephants that we conquered to send someone to clean the palace. I thought that it might have gotten dirty in the thousand years since it was banished. Better watch your step also as to help explore the palace; I invited the pony who could shrink himself that’s an old friend of mine...” Grubber explained as everybody shook their heads weirded out.
“Okay seriously, you had to go all the way for that joke just to pad things out. This is the level of comedy writing that the readers have to tolerate. Plus I get more to do than just be an Ariel copy of the Deadpool copy....” Princess Skystar muttered as Pinkie Pie got angry. She was seconds away from ranting that breaking the 4th wall was her thing.
“Now we got that uncomfortable interruption away, can we please ask how and where you got those wings Twilight dear. I didn’t think becoming an alicorn was possible?” Rarity questioned already looking over Twilight’s wings and mentally going over the dresses she would make for Twilight now.
“It’s a bit of a long story Rarity....” Twilight muttered letting Rarity marvel at her wings for a bit.
“They are nice egghead but you might have to tell us once we bring you back to Ponyville. Plus get you settled back in the library.” Rainbow Dash said flying in to take a look at Twilight’s wings. Twilight’s eyes widened as she straightened at what Rainbow Dash had just said.
“Rainbow Dash, I am not going back to Equestria. Maybe to visit and catch up to everypony but I am not moving back.” Twilight told her in an apologetic tone which caused the Equestrians to jump as it had never registered to them in all this time that Twilight might not want to come back to them.
“WHAT? We have been looking for you for a long time and you say you are not coming back? Why the hay not?” Rainbow Dash demanded getting in Twilight’s face. Tempest then went to work pulling Rainbow Dash’s tail away. Twilight then raised a hoof to Tempest, silently telling her that she can handle this.
Tempest gave a nod as Twilight faced Rainbow Dash and the others and explained “sorry, I know everypony we knew in Equestria misses me but I am in no position to come back. I am the Queen of the Harmony Kingdom and we had just finished annexing the last of the Storm King’s former territory. So that’s the lands south of Equestria that is counting on me to be their monarch and leader.”
“We just got you back and no way are we losing you just so that you can continue playing queen...” Rainbow Dash shouted as there were gasps from Spike, Fluttershy, Rarity and Cadence. They could all tell things would get worst.
“Playing? PLAYING? Do you think I have been playing a foal’s game all this time Rainbow Dash? I certainly was not playing when I have been fighting to overthrow tyrants so I could free their lands from the oppression they faced!” Twilight fired back her horn lighting up with the rage that was now building up.
Skystar and Grubber then wisely decided to let them be as they went to check on the Crystal Ponies outside.
“About that Twiley.” Shining said speaking up and Cadance was praying to every deity she could think of that Shining would not make this worst. “I think its best that if we took you back to Equestria away from this Kingdom. A lot of important ponies are being scared by this so called Kingdom and I am worried they might come after you if it gets out that you are the figurehead. I don’t think blame you but I think the company you keep might be influencing you negatively.” Shining softly told Twilight with a glance at Tempest who was getting angry.
“He is putting his hoove into his mouth so far that the ankle is almost there!!!” Cadance screamed in her head ready to step in but Shining continued.
“Including whatever spell you used against Sombra. I know you mean well but that kind of magic is dangerous.........” Shining continued on but Twilight exploded.
“So ponies think of MY kingdom as a threat just because we are doing our best to do what it takes to liberate the territories of a tyrant? Just because we use whatever it takes to fight against the empire of a mad king? The Storm King apparently was able to building his kingdom for years unopposed but only when we are undoing it plus saving other kingdoms while we are at it, we are the villains?” Twilight shouted out furiously making Shining step back in fear.
Shining was about to speak only for Cadance to get in his face and snarled uncharacteristically “You...... Have said.......... ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!” Shining gulped as it finally dawned on him that he has finally screwed up his reconciliation with his beloved sister.
Cadance then put on her best sisterly look as she faced Twilight who was calming down upon looking at her. She was letting go of her anger when Cadance pulled her into a hug.
“Sorry about that Twilight, I know he is a complete dunderhead, but he let his worry and fear for your saftey cloud his judgement with what little he knows of your Kingdom. Out context to whatever you were actually doing, he just jumped to conclusions. He has just been scared for your saftey just as I was. It’s nice finally getting to see you since the last time I had seen you was before you moved to Ponyville.” Cadance told Twilight softly. Then suddenly a light bulb clicked in Twilight’s head as she got up and faced Cadance in confusion.
“What do you mean? I saw you plenty of times in the wedding preparations and the rehearsal was when we last spoke. You know when I accused you of being evil?” Twilight asked growing suspicious as she saw the Equestrians’ now were looking nervous and guilty.
“Twilight, that was not Cadance. That was the Changeling Queen pretending to be Cadance. The threat that had infiltrated Equestria and taken Cadance prisoner to impersonate her. We beat her in the end but you were right..... kind of.... Cadance was not herself or rather the fake Cadance was but nopony noticed....” Spike spoke up thinking it was not use trying to postpone the inevitable.
Twilight had her mouth open as she was trying to process this information. All these nights she thought of how guilty and cowardly she was to accuse Cadance of being evil but she had been onto something.
“I............. need time to myself.....” Twilight muttered looking like she was going to break down. She turned to Tempest and told her “sorry Tempest but i am going to palace bedrooms, nopony is to disturb me please........”
Tempest gave a salute and sympathetic look in her eye as Twilight flew up the palace stairs. Rainbow Dash went to chase her but Tempest caught her in a force field and told her harshly “I believe you heard the queen!”
“I can’t believe you two idiots! We could have eased all this out and settled this peacefully but NNOOO you two idiots had to ruin everything! That was our best chance to reconcile and we could have gone over concerns about her kingdom later but you turned off your brains! I am so...... peeved!” shouted Fluttershy using her Stare on both Shining and Dash.
It left a stunned silence and nopony was more surprised than her.
That had been one of the most uncharacteristic sentences that she had ever said in her entire life.
Just when they thought things could not get more complicated.....
Skystar and Grubber went through the front doors and shut it. They then faced Tempest who told her “Sorry but we have a situation, the Crystal Ponies are insisting to see their new queen to thank her for defeating Sombra...”
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Well what do you know, my prediction of Shining making things worse came true. Eh, its really sad if you think about it. I mean, the guy won the heart of the Princess of Love, only to throw it away because of his sister...that's so sad in a pathetic kind of way.
I hope this story stops hammering this and goes somewhere else soon. I really want to see Twilight's reaction to Celestia, Luna and her own parents. That should be fun.
I was hoping for a 'I told you so' dance from Twilight
The beginning of the chapter could have been a little tenser.
i do hope twilight is at least believably angry they let her apologize only for her to have been right in the end, because that was a horrible move on there part. still hoping for the harmony kingdom not to be at peace with equestria, they control pretty much all there trade territory, choke them twilight, choke them tell they turn blue.
This sounds like a reference
HA, sure
*sarcasm*Oh no, things got more complicated, what a suprise *sarcasm*
Hope Twilight can teach that Commie Starlight Glimmer how flawed her logic is and Shining Armor just won himself the Dumbass of the year award along with Rainbow Dash.
A word from Red Forman for those two dumbasses:
The next chapter ought to be good.
Sorry, as much as I like Twilight, I gotta agree with Shining and Rainbow. Twilight is being influenced negatively by her new kingdom and it won't take long before something will break. Also, Cadance is acting a bit harsh just because everyone else made a mistake.
9045530
Wow, personally I felt cringed as I was typing it
9045589
Just wondering but how is she being influenced negatively as I tried to write her as in character as possible
9045593
Well, lashing out like that, as well as the whole nightmare trip a while ago, are examples in my opinions.
9045589
Though thanks for commenting
Didn't expect you to check out my story
9045598
well the lashinging out I wrote it had happened as a response to Ill chosen words and do you mean the bit in the vision bit when you wrote nightmare trip
9045600
Well, I wasn't gotta at first, but then I felt like I should, just because of what you came up with at DA.
9045606
I think it was back in the Crystal Heart chapter.
9045610
Wow thanks for remembering me on da
Guess you thought of the sora x ariel stories did
Thanks again for giving your thoughts of the chapter
9045615
Well I wrote that as twilight dealing with visions she knows are not the real things
Plus I thought it would be fun to subvert the usual angst those scenarios bring
9045610
But thanks again for reading and commenting
Hope you decide to check out the rest of the story
Are these chapters getting shorter?
Either way, this was nice but the reunion needed work.
The chapter you were all waiting for
Plus can spot the several references I put in here
Considering it took no time I. Getting the wakanda reference when I didn't seriously expect anyone to get so soon, I am sure you can find them
9045630
Sorry I tried to write them as long as I can but actually this is my longest chapter with the most words
Plus sorry that the reunion wasn't so well but I wanted to focus on the moment readers had been waiting for
Now Equestria is up a creek without a paddle and sinking. If they trie and take Twilight back. not only will the Harmony Kingdom and Mount Aris preasure Celestia and Luna to let her go.
But so will the Crystal Empire. Out of date as they are, they know enough to side with those who helped them the most recently.
Equestria can't win that politically.
Cadance could save this whole thing by, as a sitting Princess, recognizing all that Twilight had done legitimately.
Fluttershy! Language!
when is the next chapter coming out?
I love this concept, but the execution is a bit hit and miss at times. I do like it enough to give it an upvote, but I think you should try and get a bit of practice in writing more descriptively. There are also minor spelling errors like mixing up past and present tense as well as plurals.
9045878
right? how dare spells that defeat evil be used. ever.
9045873
Once it starts flowing better, I'll give it a thumbs up too. The only thing holding this story back is the execution but I feel that's mostly due to inexperience rather than a lack of effort.
>> Author
I suggest you take more time on this, putting a little more time in every chapter. Make sure everything's spelled right is a good first step. And if you do that you'll start to see some of the other problems such as pacing. But all and all I like it so far. I'll be looking forwards to new updates.
9045894
I agree It kind of reminds me of my first stories when I didn't know what I was doing. Now after four years I'm making it on the front page with every post! I think the author just needs more practice and to spend more time writing these. I can jam out a good chapter in a day at this point, but that's because I have an editor, Grammarly, and I've been practicing a lot. I think the best I can recommend is put a focus on improving your writing. The internet is a powerful tool I suggest you look up tips for better writing it may help.
The premise piqued my interest, but the writing is a mess, descriptions lacking or non-existent, dialogue is stilted, characters wooden, and plot barrels along with no intricacy, nuance, or reasoning.
As is, I read the first chapter and then skimmed the rest of the story just to see if it improved. It didn't.
Sorry to be so harsh, but this really needs serious work. I would recommend an editor/proofreader to start off, then it's a matter of practice and study to improve.
I think I'm being so harsh because you have 38 stories published on this site alone over a 6 year period, but looking at your first story (while this is definitely an improvement) it doesn't seem you've put any particular effort into developing as a writer. Which is fair enough if you just do this as a extremely casual hobby, just writing whatever is in your head and posting it, but you don't care much about writing itself, just getting the ideas out of your head and down somewhere. And hey, if people like them that's a plus but not the objective in anyway.
If that is the case, that's 100% fine, you do you.
If it's not however, and you do care about improving, you need to attend some writers workshops, work on your English, identify your weaknesses and strengths and work to improve them, and reflect on where you are, where you'd like to be, and how to get there. Practice is all well and good, but you need to analyze and reflect upon it to actually improve. If you don't know what you're doing wrong, you can never fix it. Find another writer who can mentor you or a Writing Club to critique your work, identify where you are going wrong, and tell you how to fix it.
Best of luck in your future endeavors.
i hoep fluttershy and spike at least and maybe candace go with twilight, with candace acting as an ambesster for old sun butt.
I love this concept, however I just can't get into how this story is written :/ In 12k words we're told that Twilight defeated the Storm King, annexed all his land, defeated Sombra and gained control of the Crystal Empire. It's just way too rushed for me. This story could've been fleshed out to include Twilight's struggles, how she came to Mt. Ares, what her first interaction with the hippogryphs was like, how she found out about the Storm King, an in-depth version of Twilight's meeting with Tempest and how she came to befriend her, how Twilight overthrew the Storm King, how she went about annexing all the Southern Land while mentioning the difficulties faced with it, etc etc. Honestly this just feels like I'm reading the writing plan. A layout for a fully fleshed story that has the potential to go into 100-200k word territory while barely even being halfway done.
I wonder what other species came with Twilight’s army?
9045941
Those boobs though.... damn
9045946
Sorry I plan to go through that with flashbacks
9045934
I know my writing is never the best and this is a hobby for me
I try my best but I am not good with descriptions
9045881
Sorry I will fix it
9045894
Thanks, I try to work in my chapter but I am not good with descriptions or how to pace events
Something tells me this is going to put some more strain on Shining and Cadance's relationship. :p
It's scary when Fluttershy swears like that
9046675
I agreed with you, if what you saying is right, them we know what is going to happened next.
9046679
Thanks, I wanted to surprise everyone with it
9045934
I have used betas on fanfiction dot net before but I don't feel comfortable using them on this particular site due to not being able to use doc x here
Please Update Soon!!
9046050
base off my old wow char you should see my sl char she bigger
Called it.
Secondly: Wheres my 500,000 bits?
9045941
I agree with ya.
9047000
I'd rather... not
9045575
Hmm... This seems like a Once Upon a Time reference? Though, that gives me more interesting questions about Twilight in that universe than it does answers...
On a different matter, the elephant joke and Skystar's response to the joke seemed forced and cringy to me... But I guess I can understand why they exist? Oh well, the story continues to be interesting so I will continue to read. Until next we meet!
9046716
Personally, I could see these two breaking up after a massive argument. Maybe Cadance gives Shining a big piece of her mind and Shining decides enough is enough of being told how bad he should be feeling and both decide that remaining engaged at this point isn't worth it since they both are too hostile with each other.
9057989
Okay, you made your point.
There is something I need to ask you about, why did you delete this day should have been just perfect?, it need to be rewrite.
I was hoping to see the downfall of the mane five, Shining Armor, Celestia. Not to mention the death of Twilight Sparkle.
9048600
Yeah it was cringey as well to me but I did want to put it in
Yeah I'm a fan of once upon a time, since the end of season 3 when I learned Elsa woudl be in the next season, previously I had read information on the show after seeing the shows version of Peter Pan on the villains wiki