• Member Since 4th May, 2018
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Dark1777


T

After the twilight was betrayed and abandoned by her friend, BBBFF and her mentor. She was imprisoned by fake cadence in a crystal cave below the canterlot. While she was in despair, a voice called "Welcome ... Master".

This is my first time writing a story so it won't be very good, anyway thanks for watching.

Chapters (11)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 103 )

Cadence didn't know what to do to make Twilight believe her, then she remembered the song she taught twilight earlier “Sunshine, sunshine, ladybug awake! Flap the nail and shake it slightly! ” twilight whispered the last sentence of the song to cadence and realized it was the song cadence had taught her when she was a filly, and now she remembered that the fake cadence didn't know the song.

Love the story! It’s quite an interesting concept. Just wondering though did you change Twi and Cadence’s song? Just wondering cause in the original it’s “Clap your hooves and do a little shake”

English is not your first language, is it?

This is badass Twilight material.

Is it just me or does this theme sorta fit with the story?

10181313
Nice premise
Could use some clean up on Grammer and such.

In the front row is the father and mother of shining amor and twilight are sitting, main five is standing on the podium as the mares of honor of shining amor after he removed his sister position and in the middle of the podium is princess celestia and spike is standing with shining amor.

I think they should be fake Cadence's bridesmaids, or at least in the canon they were. I'm assuming the 'before' of the story progressed normally like the episode and, if so their roles would stay the same.

Apart from that, I'm liking the story.

Story is fine, grammar needs work. This seems like a Google translation.

What do you mean not very good? I think it's great

I will give you thumbs up for the concept but the grammar really needs a work over will be watching

Interesting premise, but this REALLY needs an editor and better grammar.

10181313
i'm vietnamese and my english doen't well, so o hope that you can forgive me if my vocabulary or my grammar bad. And thank to every body for read my story

10184258
on the one hand i agree good story on another...the first time i ever tried to post a story they wouldnt let me publish it at first because the gramer was too bad....it wasn't half so bad as this

i'm feeling like the mods are not of a consistant mind with there aprovals...

from one novice writer to another.

first off a good story ide and DO NOT change direction if you have it planed out.

but I found this story on The Accusation Fic Collection and I read stories on ther for the redemption arks and striping twilight will make that difficult to write but will be a great source of drama wen the aders realize what they caused Twilight to loos.

as for the need of an editor as a man with a learning disability, I use Grammarly it honestly works my writing would be less readable the hieroglyphics without it

not sure if you want or need thees (if not that is excellent) but here are a couple of ideas my mind generated moving forward.

1 Tirek steels power from Twilight and she reigns her emotions (for a time or permanent)
2 charter X says sorry, Twilight "your apology is not necessary "charter X looks slytly happier, Twilight "ass I am incapable of anger at you betail but note also incapable of forgiveness " charter X looks more unhappy than when the conversation started.

Thank for your comment, i will try to make my grammar and my vocabulary better of the next time. And once again thank every body to read my story.

Think again dumping bugs” Twilight said.

Twilight said as he came out of the smoke ....

Damn Bug and She

you are doing good with the story

try in instead of dumping bugs try stupid bugs
as walks twilight out of the smoke

Is really good i can't wait for the next chapter to come out

And low I saw them, the angel who came to spare us all from the pain and suffering we felt.
For they stood before me, their dark cloak moving in a wind not seen nor felt.
Their bony wings outstretched, the shadow cast by them covering all in their presence.
For before me stood Thanatos, the Angel of Death.

Whatever you do, do NOT abandon this story you have started.
I can't keep up with the amount of good stories that were abandonned for 'x-y-z' reasons.
Please, make sure that this commitement does not go to waste. :unsuresweetie:

Just my opinion, but when Twilight, or anyone in general, are talking in their mind, then those lines should be in italics.

Nice attention to detail, about the Grey Aura.

I really like where this plot is going so far :twilightsmile:

As many already pointed out the grammar could really need some work.
Would you like some help with it? My first language is not English as well, but I think I can at least help you with the basic grammars and such :scootangel:

.....you need help, that and a lot of practice.( no offence I need the same thing)

This is fun.
Could use work on the wording and Grammer but it's still fun. I look forward to more.

so they have misenturpreted her new power. this wont end well

With her new powers I wouldn't be surprised if Twi wanted to kill Chryssi she would even need to lift a single hoof to fo so.

She is pretty much the Grim Reaper after all :rainbowderp:

ok this is hooves down my favorite story on this website:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

10198110
I'm the one who's his editor.

10198102
Maybe it will and maybe it won't.

So how many chapters is this story going to have and will there be a sequel or a Sears of on this story i do hop so become it will be an interesting Sears

Okay this is a really good since when is the next chapter coming out 😁😁😁😁

This was a wonderful chapter! Keep up the good work!

Honestly its not bad i enjoyed reading it i hope there will be more chapter

Need work, needs lots of work. I would have liked to see more description of hits of blows traded between Twilight and Chrysalis. More of a build up in power for Twilight, a little more struggle. Like seeing her experiment with her power and finding where her limit is, within character reason, e.g. non-lethal. How far is her telekinetic grab now? how strong are her simple magic blasts without straining herself, maybe the armor starts appearing as she fighting and taking down changeling after changeling?

These are just suggestions, though. What you have is good, but could be improved. Edgy, broody, and I look forward to how the others try and bring Twily back from darkness.

This story is a amusing I would like to see the story some more

"This is my first time writing a story so it won't be very good, anyway thanks for watching."

And yet you have an 8 to 1 like/dislike ratio...

This is the first time I wrote a story. At first I was worried, I didn't know if my idea in the story was appropriate, and whether people liked my story ... I look forward to your comments and suggestions. for my story. And I'm really happy you guys like this story. and thank you very much for making comments on the mistakes in my story.

10203948
Because of my work, I will release one chapter every week. Hope you sympathize. And thank you for supporting my story. Have a nice day!

10198355
Thank you for supporting my story. I'm glad you liked it. And have a nice day!

10199103
I'm glad you like my story. And of course I will update new chater every week. Hope you will continue to support.

10199656
Thanks for your advice. I will remember it. and thanks for reading my story. I hope you will keep watching my new chapters.

10198760
I'm glad you like the story. Wish you a good day!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!