• Member Since 28th Aug, 2011
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Cold in Gardez

Stories about ponies are stories about people.


What if pony princesses were actually highly social carnivores?

What if a National Geographic team began following them around to film a documentary?

What if nopony saw anything unusual about this?

A metaphor about growing up. Or possibly a metaphor about living in a surveillance society. Or maybe just a very, very weird idea that needed to become a story.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 262 )

What a time to be alive. Sweet

Or maybe just a very, very weird idea that needed to become a story.

This gets my vote.

~Skeeter The Lurker

This is really dumb, but I laughed a lot. Still gets an upvote for sheer lunacy.

I loved every second of this.

I can just imagine Marlin Perkins or Sir Richard Attenborough narrating this…

Reading this somehow made the bacon I was eating taste better.


I... I, uh... u-upvoted. Just, um... p-please don't hurt me...

Well that happened. :rainbowhuh:

Good grief, it just kept going. Every time I thought to myself "surely CiG can't squeeze another laugh out of this", there came another grunt and another splash, and I was laughing again. I can easily picture Rarity's expression as she hauls in that buffalo...

And you say you were sober and not taking any drugs of any sort when you wrote this?

Zebras are sapient in Equestria. By most works of fiction, eating another sapient creature is cannibalism. Are you sure you didn't forget the dark tag?

I upvoted for having no errors that stood out and broke immersion.

Took you long enough to write this. And the wait was completely worth it.

6144102 I would argue the dark tag is unneeded since this is meant to be fairly ridiculous. There's no certainty that the zebra died of natural causes or was a non-sapient version. The sheep is yesterday episode apparently weren't intelligent enough to talk into leaving the tracks after all.:twilightsmile:

I'm not sure what just happened.

I don't want to know what just happened.

I'm scared. If I leave a green thumb, will I be safe for now?

You're a madman, Cold.

This was hilarious.
So random yet so making sense.
So wrong and yet so right....

Gosh. Have my like and my fav.
And a moustache for this complimentary concept. :moustache:

I have to admit, what really got me was the ribbon-cutting ceremony... :rainbowlaugh: Spectacular inversion of the ongoing theme!

This was a very, very strange read.

Absolutely 100% of my wut has been expended. It will be another 6-8 weeks before I can give further wut. Liked and faved for the completeness aspect. Also the literal laugh-out-loud on:

We decided to call this one Twilight Sparkle, following the tradition of naming alicorn princesses after the words that appear on their birth certificates

And the bit with the hyenas. My stars.

This was a great pick me up on a rough morning!

I gotta be honest, I was expecting Rarity's final catch to be a giant crab. It was still great though.

I don't know whether I laugh or sigh... Great story, if strange.

Estee #21 · Jun 28th, 2015 · · 1 ·

And there goes my Discovery Channel seaponies special.

Nah, it's okay, they're tofu zebras.

Ok Ponies are predators... weird. I did think the bit about calling princess by names on their birth certificates was funny. Course ponies are predators is weird but the Minotaurs acting like they don't have civilization just makes it more odd.

Well that was a thing, weird and hilarious.

If they can catch this zebra, it will feed the pack for weeks. If it gets away, they’ll go hungry, until they get back to the palace kitchen. The stakes could not be higher.

Loved this. So many excellent lines.

6144090 My guess is an OD of wasabi & puffer fish. I'm sure he could stop any time he wants to...

Huh... I half expected griffons to show up and steal a kill or two.

I just loved how Rarity claims her prize. Now THAT'S a real alpha mare. Shame we didn't get to see the other ponies from the litter before Twilight became a princess. Life on the farm must be crazy. Damn, now I wonder how life for the foals in this National Geographic Special works and Scootaloo being seen as that one cub from that one special that was given a near impossible chance at surviving to see the next seasons.

Hope this becomes a mini-documentary series. lol

I think Twily dragging the leg up a tree was the highlight of her antics in this for me. Though the conclusion to her last chase was pretty darn cute picturing her confused expression. :rainbowkiss:

This whole fic feels like an excuse to throw around phrases which would fit into a National Geographic parody.

Also, I love how the absurd grows slowly, instead of hitting you full-strength early on.

I am mortified, confused, and enthralled. Have a like.

I'm gonna give it a like, but I'm not sure why.

6144486 Griffins are the tigers of equestria while alicorns are the lions. They live on different continents

6144359 Tofu zebras. Like the Tofu Cow in Pearls Before Swine?

I just had a brilliant, horrifying, possibly moronic idea. What if there are actually 'tofu' animals, like tofu ponies, tofu cows, tofu zebra's, etc, that were engineered by a mage at some point in the past as a way to provide an ethically sourced food supply to feed creatures like griffons? They are basically similar to the intelligent versions, but lack the mental capacity to qualify as sapient. There could be an entire population of tofu cows over in the griffon lands acting as a food supply.

Or maybe there are special subspecies of creatures that are able to reproduce by being eaten, and thus are like the meal at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, eager to be eaten? Maybe their eggs/spores/whatever are dispersed throughout the meat of their bodies, and siphon off a bit of the magic of the creature that eats them? The eggs are quickened by the magic of their predator, and the eggs hatch later after passing through the digestive tract. The number of eggs/spores/whatever in their bodies increases as they age, resulting in them trying to stay alive a long time so that they have more offspring after they are eaten?

Just read what I wrote. I told you my idea was moronic.

what the buck did i just read

and why am i smiling so much

This is just... wow. Certainly a very unique story! I'm quite impressed by the fact that you kept it up as long as you did, though the whole Rarity-Blueblood subplot helped that.

Bonus points for Twilight seriously mauling a camarataur.

Bravo, sir. This seriously needs a full-out dramatic reading.

I have now idea what i just read..... But I Love it :pinkiehappy:
Have a Like

6144317 Why not do your discovery channel sea ponies special? Sea pony documentaries are based underwater! The ocean is a harsh, deadly environment that would be filled with sea monsters. Fun documentary times to be had!


I'm speechless. I really am. Thank you for this glorious madness.

At first I was rather unsure about this. It was kind of funny but also a bit morbid and tasteless at points.

Then I read this line:

No! Oh, this is terrible! Just as Celestia was about to make the kill, she was diverted by a hospital ribbon-cutting ceremony!

And then I decided I liked this.

I was sold as soon as it was said that Cadance killed a goat within minutes of becoming an alicorn :trollestia:. The bits with Celestia and Twilight chasing Zecora only be stopped by a ceremony and the hyena segment only served to cement its place in my favorite list. I do think my favorite parts of the story were the national geographic narrations though. Great work :twilightsmile:!

:rainbowderp: I...uh...just...

There are words for this...I don't have them...

Take your thumbs up...

This was bizarrificious. You definitely got the nature document narration down pat!

CCC #41 · Jun 28th, 2015 · · ·

We decided to call this one Twilight Sparkle, following the tradition of naming alicorn princesses after the words that appear on their birth certificates.


No! Oh, this is terrible! Just as Celestia was about to make the kill, she was diverted by a hospital ribbon-cutting ceremony!


This is so beautifully bizarre it almost comes across as serious. Oh and I love that last line.

The only thing missing from this story was having another film crew arrive from the antipodes:

A stocky gryphon wearing safari clothing catches Twilight up by the tail. He dances circles around her as she hisses and spits at him.

"Crikey! She's a lively one! But kids, don't ever try to do this at home. Leave that to trained Alicorn Hunters like yours truly!"

He lets go and Princess Twilight runs away, seeking shelter in the local spa.

He doesn't notice her coming back out with some some small reptiloid creature. The little purple thing puffs its cheeks and green fire consumes the gryphon. His ashes scatter on the wind.

"Thanks for sending that one back to wherever he came from, Spike," says the Princess.

"My pleasure, Twi!" replies the dragonet. "Last year that guy lifted half the town's tails, including mine. Crazy pervert!"

Wat... why? Wha? WAT?

What is this?
Why would anyone write something like this?
And why am I reading it?:pinkiecrazy:

“Why is there a dead zebra in your room?”

Caaaarl! There's a dead zebra in our house!

While I can't say it wasn't entertaining on some level, I was once again left with this disquiet, sick feeling in my gut from the start. Very similar to your story about the CMC and everyone's sex lives.

Except that the one they hunted was implied to be Zecora.

heh. heh heh. funneh.


Don't feel bad. I just realized I had to read a story about ponies being social predators in order to find a story on FIMfiction that showed Spike any respect at all. Go, Spikey, go! You and your broom!

That’s right! We decided to call this one Twilight Sparkle, following the tradition of naming alicorn princesses after the words that appear on their birth certificates.

this is where i started crying of laughter

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