• Member Since 28th Aug, 2011
  • offline last seen 36 minutes ago

Cold in Gardez


Stories about ponies are stories about people.


E
Source

It's a week after Nightmare Night, and the dead have risen. Zombies, ghosts and skeletons walk Ponyville's streets. It would be pretty terrifying, except for the fact that they're so nice. Also, they don't seem to realize they're dead.

But not everypony is happy with their new undead neighbors. Rainbow Dash is a little freaked out, Twilight Sparkle is on trial for murdering a skeleton, and Rarity conspires against her ghostly business partner. Will our heroes be able to keep up in a world where busy ponies don't have time to let death slow them down?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 123 )

Welp.

That was certainly a thing that happened.

:rainbowlaugh:LOL what. This was great.

Hah, this is super cute, in a vaguely morbid sort of way. Very nicely done. Always happy to see something new from you, CiG.

--CG

Oh Rarity. I should've known she was smart enough to not try the sporks first, even in a comedy fic.

I do not know what I read.

Only that I enjoyed it immensely.

~Skeeter The Lurker

This..
wat?!
I loved it.

OoooOOooOOOoooOOO!! +1

Wow. Ponyville's legal system is silly.

I like this! It's cute, it's funny, the characterisation is great, and it's a very interesting idea that you executed well. My only criticism is that it doesn't seem to, uh, go anywhere. It ends kind of unresolved, I guess—what happens next? Do the spirits just keep being there? Why?

Time for me to be That Guy:

Rarity drew herself up. “Autumn Sky, I’ve decided it’s no use to keep my boutique open. There’s no way I can possibly compete with such a skillful business mare as yourself. That’s why I’ve decided to you, for a nominal fee, of course.”

I think there are missing words in there. "That's why I've decided to sell out to you" if I had to guess.

And that is how Rarity paid for Sweetie Belle’s college fund.

Wait, are you telling me Equestria doesn't have universally funded post-secondary education? What the hell kind of shoddy friendship utopia are Luna, Celestia, and Twilight running? I demand a refund!

Pinkie was paid a visit from her father's late elder sister. She introduced the ghost to everypony as her "favoritest revenaunt". :pinkiehappy:

That thumbnail is so cute.

Fantastic. :rainbowlaugh:

In other news: Ponyville just doesn't bat an eye anymore...

> My mental image of "There's a skeleton at the Hayburger" (NSFW cursing, art is SFW)

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But seriously, some great moments in here. As I noted in the Writeoffs, Twilight's character arc by itself more than justifies the read. :rainbowlaugh:

“No! No!” Twilight spun to the crowd to plead her case. “She was a skeleton! You can’t murder a skeleton!”

:rainbowlaugh: Oh god, I am dying here.

And that is how Rarity paid for Sweetie Belle’s college fund.

...with cold-blooded murder. :raritywink:

Sporks are not toys, and even if their tines are small and made of plastic, they can still be used to kill skeletons.

:rainbowlaugh: Ok, I think I have finished dying now and will leave to haunt other stories.

That was great. Fixed my shitty mood instantly.

This is a truly clever piece of comedy. I love the concept itself and the execution is spot-on. A new favorite for sure. :rainbowlaugh:

6664134
That's not cold-blooded murder, that's generously fulfilling a business partner's life dream... for a fee.

6664343
For the purpose of incidentally ending their life. Well, ending it more.

I do wish we had found out if sporks can also be used to kill ghosts. Maybe their plastic tines are not quite sufficient for those.

:rainbowlaugh: :rainbowhuh::rainbowlaugh:

2 weeks of work for offing a walking pile of bones , WTF/lol

Please do more of this. Please, I beg you.

It was odd and funny and a good story. But it was Twilight's jail time that really hit my funny bone. :pinkiehappy:

Cold in Gardez is secretly Tim Burtons alter ego, who writes fanfiction when he drinks too much cold medicine.

It all makes sense now.

I...feel strangely conflicted....

On a scale of 1 to stomach pump, how much cough syrup did you chug before writing this?

Well, it got me to chuckle aloud, so it's a success as a comedy piece.

Of particular note are Twilight's jail scenes (especially when she goes out for lunch) and trial, but the Rarity subplot had its moments, as well.

Great..... now I have to write a story about Zombies and skeletons now.:pinkiecrazy: Damn you evil genius for giving me an idea....

Oh sure I get 1 month of community service for vaping in an area I didn't know I wasn't supposed to but a pony princess only gets 2 weeks and time served for murder? Damn this justice system of ours!

She stood and pushed the cell door open, stepping out beside Rarity.

ponyville's jail sucks

Therefore, this court has no choice but to condemn you to the fullest extent of the law.” He banged his gavel again and looked her straight in the eye. “I sentence you to two weeks of community service and time served.”

:facehoof:I stand by my earlier words

I assume Twilight's first felony somehow involved centipedes.

Also, it's good to see Rarity has learned she can't solve all her problems with woodchippers.

6664847

Rarity has, in fact, learned that not all of her problems can be solved by wood chippers. But she does still have her PHOENIX-B-GONE Home Phoenix Removal System in a storage shed behind her parents' house.

You know, just in case.

p.s. Write more Sam and Rose.

p.p.s No really, write more Sam and Rose.

...Wait. So does that mean the Skeleton at the beginnings unfulfilled dream was to be murdered by royalty with a spork or something?

There should be a term for this sort of comedy through consistent absurdity. I expect there already is, but at any rate, I heartily approe.

CiG, please never change.

I love how Rarity had Plan B ready to go...with no remorse.

Approved for Tag-A-Long's Book Club...

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...and The Goodfic Bin

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I loved the whole bit about how lenient Turn Key was with Twilight just walking in and out like that from the jail. Did they even bother to lock the door? :twilightsmile:

Closing time for a jail? Going on 'lunch break'? Classic.
Just waiting for that hour hand to hit 5 o'clock!

You know, that reminds me of some black-and-white movie I'd watched a long time ago, where some scenes of it were set in a jail. The characters in the jail were like bumbling 'criminals' and could basically come and go as they pleased...as long as they were back there at whatever time was set for them.

I think they used to do that kind of thing in real life, but I don't exactly have confirmation.

6664847
The story says the audience at the courthouse was waiting for her to become a felon, so either her first arrest was a misdemeanor or she wasn't convicted.

6665200
I assume they dropped the charges.

Well.
That was...
...
Either way, you've earned a new follower.

Despite the comedy tag, I didn't think it would make me laugh. But it did.
Great story.

Fluttershy locked herself in her cottage and so it is not entirely clear how she felt about matters.

Wasn't really clear how Spike felt about matters either. Not even when his own fucking sister was on trial. ... He must've been locked up in Fluttershy's cottage, playing kinky games with her.

I groaned in disappointment and laughed.. seriously, Equestria is a weak society so eh... but seriously two weeks of community service and time served?? You can get that for speeding...

Silly Twilight. You know you can throw the sheriff in his own jail for assaulting royalty, right?
Telling the whole town how to murder skeletons was clever, though. :)

OOOH A COLD IN GARDEZ FIC now THIS i've gotta read
You're an excellent author I always enjoy reading your fics

This was pretty funny. Just this side of surreal and weird without being freaky and still making me curious about the outcome. I have to admire the way you stood in open defiance of the typical adage to "raise the stakes." As it is, this stayed pretty low key and yet still managed to stay interesting.

Also, Ponyville operating on small town "Mayberry"-style rules for its jail made me chuckle.

6663528 Ponyville doesn't even have a high school. :applecry:

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