• Member Since 28th Aug, 2011
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Cold in Gardez


Stories about ponies are stories about people.

E

[Comedy] The Cutie Mark Crusaders have finally gone too far, and Twilight Sparkle & Friends decide it's time to teach them a lesson. But when their prank starts to take on a life of its own, they may end up being too clever for their own good.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 78 )

I love this story! Good to see it made its way here.

I love this story

This story involves large amounts of win.

Sweetie really is my favorite of the three. I mean... there's just something so right about the sweet, innocent, soft-spoken li'l filly realizing how much she likes chopping things up with axes!

#5 · Oct 11th, 2011 · · ·

I am extremely impressed with your writing. You seem to have captured the nuances of each character with remarkable precision. Well done! Easily the best pony fic I've ever read. Care and Feeding was genuinely heartfelt. If only the show was half as good as these stories.

Very good story and concept, I could see it being an actual CMC episode of the show.

Agreed, this is probably the closest thing to an actual episode script i've read. Characterization was absolutely spot on throughout.

Also, Sweetie with an axe... Amazing touch. Especially after the Sisterhooves Social episode, I could not help but see her face in vivid technicolor when reading her sections.

Very well done. I agree with the others that the characterization you did was spot on, as well as the notion that tis could be an actual episode(it certainly felt like one).

Very good concept, really.You know, this would work well as a real episode! Now, if only we knew how the CMC would feel about the truth...

I loved how this story progressed and I laughed at how the plan went haywire.

You should make a sequel, to show how things wound out... It'd be funny if their special talents actually were similar to what Twilight made for them. Remember, their jobs don't always have to deal with their cutie mark... Rarity's special talent is finding gems, but she's also good at making dresses.

Anyways, I really liked this. Characterization was perfect. I'll be looking for more of your stuff! :derpytongue2:

Although I have not been a member of this site for long (or even known about this site for very long) and as such have only read around thirty of the fanfics present on the site I already consider this one of my favourite Friendship is Magic fanfics. As such I felt it would be of good use to spend some of my free time reviewing this fanfic, and so here I am ready to review.

If I were to make any assumption about you on the basis of this fanfic then it would be that you are a comedy genius, for upon the first time reading I had to stop at several moments so I could remember how one was supposed to breathe. Nearly every moment of this fanfic made me laugh with its wide range of humorous tricks. Almost all of them were appropriate for the show and series, and even those which weren’t were not far off, and even kept the character’s personalities when they appeared or were told. Another great thing to mention about the endless quantity of jokes is that they rarely distracted from the detail. Which brings me to my second time of reading, knowing beforehand how hilarious this fanfic was, I was able to limit myself to grinning all the way through it and thus was able to notice the wonderful writing that had gone into this one-shot. I mean, holy heck your vocabulary is stunningly stupendous. It’s not just what vocabulary you have but also how you use it, details are where it shines along with the words and thoughts of Twilight and Rarity but you are careful to tone it down appropriately when the speaking role comes to the other characters in the story, or when characters are in situations where they drop the high level words they would normally use. Such vocabulary really makes the details shine, they are expertly painted in my mind, and along with allowing me to picture the moments as if I was watching the cartoon itself, also make me feel more intelligent, simply in knowing what each and every word means.

Now comes my biggest challenge in reviewing this fanfic, trying to draw up constructive criticism. There was the odd mistake where the words sounded incorrect, for instance ‘Rarity ground her teeth’ which would sound better if it was written as Rarity gritted her teeth or Rarity grounded her teeth. Another instance is the following line ‘Twilight’s ear twitched as she relieved the destruction they had wrought on her books’ which I’m sure should use the term relived rather than ‘relieved’. Other than these two examples I think there was only one other case of this so I can assure you it is not something to be too alarmed about. I feel the fanfic could have done with more description on the scenery, which only came about in a great amount of detail when Twilight and Applejack were in the Everfree Forest and felt quite average in comparison to your details on characters actions and thoughts. I also can’t remember there being a forest or woods near Rarity’s boutique, unless you meant it was a short distance away from the boutique (which then brings into question either how large the tree’s Sweetie Belle were cutting down were or how did Sweetie Belle managed to get a tree to crash through the boutique).

There you have it, a review on one of my favourite fanfics on this site so far. I’m glad I managed dig up some areas I could suggest improvement for as I was afraid I would never find any, hidden by the blinding light’s of brilliance this fanfic gives off with its top level writing, vocabulary, humour, and characterisation. Astonishing job, keep up the fantastic work!

132502
Thank you for the kind words :) Reviews like this are what help writers improve.

I hadn't even noticed the 'relieved' error. I'll go ahead and fix that.

Out of curiosity, how did you stumble across this fic? It's one of my older ones.

132909 As I am new to this site I am unsure if this is considered the proper way to reply to a comment from the author, that is to say, I do not know whether making an additional comment on the fanfic is an appropriate way to respond to your question or whether I would be better off simply messaging you via PM. Regardless of the method though I am here to reply.

First off, I thank you for thanking me. My reviews take quite a while to write up but they always feel worth it when I receive a thank you message from the author of the story I have reviewed. As for your question, I found this fanfic by using the browse option on this site. I like the Cutie Mark Crusaders, being my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th favourite characters respectively (do not ask the order to which they are in for even I am indecisive about it), and I tend to read for the sake of making my day happier, as such I browsed for a comedy story featuring Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. It's rather simple but that is how I came across this fanfic, I saw the image, the title, and read the short but to the point blurb and it caught my interest so I decided to read it.

134637
There's no established protocol for responding to comments. You may do whatever you like.

Thanks again for the kind words :) I have several other stories you might enjoy as well.

Wonderful story, very entertaining.

Dear Princess Celestia,
today I have learned a very valuable lesson not so much about friendship, but about life itself. It certainly is true that, as the wise stallion said, "the best laid plans of mice and ponies go often awry". Today I and some of my friends tried to teach a lesson of patience to 3 young fillies, who are obsessing over not having their cutie marks yet. While we tried to do this to cease their so called "adventures", which often create a big mess for us to clean up, we had only managed to flood half of the Ponyville and destroy the other half with a toppled tree. I guess you just can't force other to take lessons about friendship if you are not an alicorn. :(
Your helpless student,
Twilight Sparkle.
PS. Please, come to Ponyville to teach those monsters a lesson, such as only you can, please, please, please, please, please, I beg of you. Or send them to the moon, we don't really care anymore. And please do hurry, the remains of Ponyville look like the Sonic Rainnuke detonated in the center of town square, the remaining pony population hidden in the bunker while those tree run amok. Awaiting your advice, or better yet - the cavalry.

Yep, I always thought CMC deserved some lesson to teach them patience. Too bad another one failed. :rainbowlaugh:

Only the CMC can turn "punishment" into Disaster. :pinkiehappy:

Also, I get the feeling that the EveryFree Forest is a Giant Arbormaw.

This story needs a thumb! *adds it*

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!?:derpyderp2:

This really should be an episode.

Well.... that was full of win.
Nothing like having a perfect plan blow up in your face.

I could totally see this being an episode. :rainbowlaugh:

Great story! Hope to see more of these. :twilightsmile:

Do you care if I write a fan sequel to this? Because I read this long ago, and I always wondered how the Crusaders would react when they found out their cutie marks were fake.

1567365

Not at all! Hopefully it will be in the spirit of the show and in this fic :)

dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Sweetie_Belle_lolface.png Oh, Iiiiii'm a Sweetie Belle and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day!

Sus

You know, this story paints a terrifying picture of what it'll be like when the CMC:s finally do find their special talents and start focusing single-mindedly on one thing... :rainbowderp: At least when they're trying lots of different stuff, the damage gets spread out a bit.

Once again, it's kind of looking at a glorious train wreck in slow motion: you know what's going to happen, you know it will be bad, and yet you can't not look. :pinkiehappy:

I think I'd like to read more about Cutie Mark Crusader Explosive Disposal Experts or Centipede Farmers... :rainbowlaugh:

Oh, and the Arbormaw is just pure nightmare fuel...

While this is a comedy, I think that it has plenty of room for drama and shock later in aftermath. What if the fake cutie marks... DIDN'T fade?

“You know,” she said, “I think those three have spent more time in the Everfree forest than the rest of us combined.”

You capitalize "Everfree Forest" everywhere else, so it should probably be capitalized here as well.

Twilight’s horn glowed as shed blasted away at the roots, trying to clear a path to the edge of the clearing.

"Shed" should presumably be "she", as the sentence doesn't make sense as it currently stands.

“So what do we tell ‘em when their ‘cutie marks’ start to fade?” Applejack asked?

"Applejack asked?" should be just "Applejack asked.", unless there's some confusion about whether she did, indeed, actually ask.

I knew I wasn't the only one thinking "Monty Python" when Sweetie became a lumberjack.

2336424 :rainbowlaugh: I wasn't until I read this but now I can hear the song while sweetiebelle is coping away in my head.

Bravo, sir! If only that Mare Do Well prank had backfired in the actual show, I would have liked the episode more.

1962963
That's what I was just thinking. After all, they ended up accomplishing fairly impressive tasks in their respective fields... destructively.

It'd be really funny if the main cast kept waiting for them to fade and waiting and waiting and eventually tried washing them off only to discover the cosmetics had worn away long ago.

2451903

If you take a look back at the episode, Mare Do Well only ever stepped in AFTER RD had already screwed up.

2489515

I know this story is meant to be, and functions best as a stand alone, but the idea of reading such aftermath would be ironic!

2490302
Fair enough. I could stand to watch the episode again. Honestly, that first comment I made seems like I'm beating a dead horse in retrospect. :pinkiesmile:

This makes the main point of conflict in 'Magical Mystery Cure' an exquisite example of poetic justice.

Hmmm....

Kudos!

--Storyteller27

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

My main concern with this story was the actions of everyone, CMCs included, prior to the prank taking off. Once the backfiring started, it was nothing but pure comedic gold, but really: the kids seemed awfully destructive, and the mane cast seemed awfully vindictive. Still, have thumbs-up number 300. :)

Felt a touch OOC With Rarity giggling over her sister's suffering, thought I can easily see Dash getting a kick out of Scoots suffering for a prank.

That said the delicious irony...oh my god.Cold, things like these are why I love you.

And that's when they got their REAL cutie marks. :derpytongue2:

Am I the only one who realizes the blue ox cutie mark is a reference to the folk tale character Paul Bunyan?

2717051
ME! I did!
But then, Paul and Babe are common folklore in grade school in my area. Unless you live farther north in my state, it tends to just pass out if knowledge (that being said I still remember two)

It’s actually a blue ox, and it’s an ancient and mystical symbol for lumberjacking!”

I see what you did there ;P

Good story, I felt that the beginning was a bit flat, but once the crusaders got into the spirit of being ridiculously over the top with their new talents the story was brilliant. Also the line "What she needed, she realized, was a trophy tree. Something she could mount and hang on the wall over Rarity’s fireplace." is the most absurdly hilarious thing I've read this week. So kudos to you.

2797782

That would be a beautifully ironic ending wouldn't it?

The Cutie Mark Crusaders are a force of chaos on par with Discord. They can not be tamed.

Whew! Well, this is original!

Applebloom: From an tinker/inventor to a cartographer.
Scootaloo: From a scooter stunt driver to a surfer.
Sweetie Belle: From a singer to a master lumberjack.

One of these is WAY different from the other.
Maybe they will get two cutie marks?

Congratulations. This story has good enough grammar to be added to the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive directory of grammatically correct stories on FIMFiction.

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