• Member Since 28th Aug, 2011
  • offline last seen Monday

Cold in Gardez

Stories about ponies are stories about people.


Oriole has a problem. She can't stop eating stallions.

Rarity has a problem. Her new friend can't stop eating stallions.

Twilight Sparkle has a problem. A stallion-eating monster has moved into her town.

Spike's just glad he's not a stallion.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 144 )

Wait. How is a story about eating ponies not tagged as "dark"? Even as humour goes, that's pretty dark :unsuresweetie:

I lost it when the meat tenderizer made its appearance. :rainbowlaugh:

Comedy is in the details and the detail work here is excellent. It's not just the main premise, but all the little things like pitchfork and torch stores being common in rural villages or the library actually having a book for this issue that make this so enjoyable.

And to be fair to Rarity, Twilight's right. Oriole held out a long time, she might pull it off eventually.

Me, too.

I'm definitely stealing that pitchfork and torch store idea. They have to be a national chain!

Oh, my god. The meat tenderizer scene. Rainbow Dashs' reaction to the meat tenderizer scene.

What a joyously weird story this is.

Silly Oriole, what if a stallion's really really good at sex? If you eat him, you'll never know those wondrous pleasures again! :rainbowwild:

Always a treasure to see more from you, Gardez. Very nice work.


It turned out the library had an extensive selection of books on addiction, including Breaking the Cycle: The 12-Step Process to Stop Eating Stallions.

Trust Twilight Sparkle to have a book on literally anything.

“We let them live with Fluttershy. And what do we do with former cult leaders who nearly destroy the future with irresponsible, power-mad time travel spells?”


Still, neither Discord nor Starlight are natural predators with pony on the menu, though :rainbowlaugh:

...technically, though, maybe Spike is :twilightoops:

“You said that it’s in a lamia’s nature to eat ponies, but how do we know that for sure? Has anypony ever tried to help one stop?”

Well, Spike hasn't eaten anyone lately :moustache:

It turned out the library had an extensive selection of books on addiction, including Breaking the Cycle: The 12-Step Process to Stop Eating Stallions.

Wait, what :rainbowlaugh:

“You know, we don’t even have a pitchforks and torches store? It closed a few years back.”

Hah! :rainbowlaugh:

It was a more subdued affair than normal, perhaps because most ponies viewed Pinkie’s parties as an opportunity to engage with the opposite sex, and when one entire half of the sexual field was too afraid to attend, the normal party dynamic was undone.

Twilight hadn’t minded. She went with Starlight Glimmer. They had a pretty good time.

I'll bet they did. :facehoof:

“Aren’t dragons monsters, too?”

Aaand there we go :moustache:

“Twilight, please stop. I’m literally going to die if you don’t stop.”

Awkward levels over nine thousand, and she doesn't even notice Spike clearly already knows it all :rainbowlaugh:

“Oh, posh.” Rarity waved a hoof. “Darling, let me worry about me. Besides, if I ever find a stallion for myself, he won’t be attracted to you, obviously. He’ll be quite safe.”

“Um.” Oriole’s eyes danced around the cafe. “That, um… okay. If you think so.”

Did Rarity just forget the 'innate magic' bit? :rainbowlaugh:

“Hmm…” Pokey dug through his saddlebags. “I have some meat tenderizer.”

Wait, what?

“Okay, don’t worry.” Rarity trotted in a quick circle. “You’re not in trouble. Well, no, you probably are in trouble. A lot of trouble, actually. Okay, listen. There’s a river in the Everfree a few miles north of here…”

True friends help hide the bodies? :rainbowlaugh:

“-but we can no more prosecute her for seducing and trying to eat a stallion than we could prosecute a mosquito for sucking somepony’s blood.”

Trying? Ohh. So nobody died, then, hm?

“Well, don’t feel too bad for him. He had to know he was taking his chances with her. And the doctors say his new throat will be virtually indistinguishable from the old one.”


“I got a letter this morning. Remember that river serpent we met in the Everfree? She’s living with him. Apparently they get along pretty well.”

Well, he's not a stallion. And I'mma go out on a limb here and say he won't be swayed by any advances on her part, anyway :rainbowlaugh:

“Also, don’t have sex with lamias because they’ll try to eat you afterward.”

Yeah, that about sums it up :rainbowlaugh:

Remarks and corrections:
> In fact, they say he not have made it if you didn’t get the doctors so quickly.
Think that should be "he [might] not have made it"

Well, for what it's worth, Discord isn't really a pony-eating monster. Odds are, he never willingly killed a pony (or any other sapient creature) or even thought about it ('You can't have a party if no one shows up!'), that wasn't the problem with him anyway.

And dragons are obvious omnivors. Whether or not they're willing to eat a pony (or anyone else, or meat in general) relies entirely on their social outlook.

“We need to talk about about the, ah, birds and the bees. Oh, and the lamias. The birds and the bees and the lamias.”

That's probably my favorite quote and the only time I actually laughed. This story had a lot of quality jokes and humorous moments that I enjoyed though. I'm glad I came across this gem.


... Honestly we have no idea if Draconequui eat ponies or not. o-o I mean, while Discord is part pony, he is also part dragon, and dragons do eat ponies.

Uhm, are we gonna ignore the fact that she straight up murdered people before?! :rainbowhuh:

Well, who doesn't make mistakes from time to time? :eeyup:

Given the fact he's more or less the physical embodiment of chaos, I'm not sure there even is such a thing as "draconequi" anyway. Might be it's just him :unsuresweetie:

I found the start too ominous to really enjoy the latter humour. It instead kept me on edge waiting for something terrible to happen.

“Thunder, be more careful! Look, now you’ve got caramel all over your chest!”

Oh, please be... *Keeps reading* Oooo-hooo yeeessss~

I'm a sucker for gay fanservice. And also for lamias. This had both. Honestly, most lamia stories on here are either vore or snuff, a d this was neither. I really like Oriole's character and the fact that Twilight used the term 'monster' as a non-offensive adjective. All in all, a pretty good story. Faved.


I didn't know there were other stories with lamias. Clearly I need to snoop around some more.

I have a problem. I'm not Oriole. I want to be a lamia... D:


They -do- refer to it as a species, which I suppose you wouldn't do if there was only ever one? He could be the last, could be the first, could be the only. Just the way they handled it seems odd. Again though, part dragon.

Shh only horrible Lamia dreams now

I was not expecting this story. At all.

It waz gud.

7677758 Give me a day and I can find you the group I used to be in. Most of them are there.


Honestly, most lamia stories on here are either vore or snuff, a d this was neither

Yeah, this only had implicit vore and snuff

There appear to be multiple groups for Lamias or "snake ponies". Here's all the ones I found with a quick search: one two three four five. It looks like they all pretty much share the same stories, give or take a story or two in the biggest groups.

Also, something something quality comedy piece with great everything and stuff. Tons of great details/descriptions and actual funny comedy.

it was a very well done story, but it seems like the stallions were TRYING to be eaten, ya know?

Aw, Turner would've been fine- he'd just regenerate a few seconds afterwards

Why was Caramel carrying around meat tenderizer?

Phew. I thought Sweetie had been eaten for a good chunk of the story, but only stallions were eaten. Stallions are not that valuable in Equestria.

Actually it is all Twilight's fault. She could have stopped the Lamia right there when she saw the symptoms. She also could have helped more than providing a 12 step program book. I mean she could have done something like a pendant that countered the spells she weaved, or something she could use to even pass out if necessary if she found herself relapsing. Even something like that would have stopped this because it was readily apparent that she knew what was happening and did NOT want to fall. If Oriole could have even knocked herself out, I wholly believe she would have at that point.

Oh and on a completely different topic, Rarity should pick up some of those stallion spells now that Oriole is stuck at the lake. Actually that could make for a creepy sequel if she learned too many of them.

Shocks #31 · Oct 28th, 2016 · · 1 ·

Ah yes, vore.

Everyone's favorite murder fetish.

I can see a possible sequel to this story. Namely due to the fact that Fluttershy wasn't really in it other than by name. :fluttercry:
I have to admire Oriole for trying her best. I've known some people with addictions. And she was doing the right thing by getting out of the harmful environment she was in. But cutting herself off 'cold turkey' wasn't the best idea. In most cases, if you're trying to stop a habit, you have replace it with another habit. This is where Flutters may be able to help. Working with animals all the time, she may be able to find what Oriole needs; a meat- based food source that tastes better than stallions. Who's up for another trip to Griffinstone? :pinkiehappy:
I also like that Steven was brought into the story. He needs more screen time. Plus, I don't see anything romantic between him and Oriole anytime soon. Which means it can open a door for a good stallion (OC or not) to fall in true love with Oriole as well as be the final test to see if she's really off eating stallions. It would be dramatic to say the least.


It turned out the library had an extensive selection of books on addiction, including Breaking the Cycle: The 12-Step Process to Stop Eating Stallions.

in other words, Twilight knew she already had that book, because if there's one thing she NEVER doesn't know anything about in her castle, it's books XD

throats and vocal cords are highly overrated anyway :eeyup:

I liked it. Very funny, yet serious.

This was... Different than what I expected. Sad and good, yet has a serious message about people (or ponies for you nuts) all in all... I did enjoy it.:twilightsheepish:

This feels. . . incomplete to me. Here's to hoping for a sequel, or even a follow up chapter.

“I got a letter this morning. Remember that river serpent we met in the Everfree? She’s living with him. Apparently they get along pretty well.”

As both my mother and sister have told me from their own experience in the past, having a really camp gay roommate is the Best Possible Thing for a girl who's hurt emotionally.

I liked this, yet I feel very conflicted about it.

It was rather funny yet serious, and everyone seemed to be in character...except Rarity. Well, yes and no.

What really held me back from getting into this story was that I couldn't believe it, and as such I was never truly invested or immersed in the characters. I cannot believe that Rarity would so quickly and willingly befriend a lamia that had admitted numerous times to eating stallions. At first I thought Rarity was misinterpreting things, but Rarity clearly knew as the lamia explained her addiction repeatedly.

Now, Rarity did bring up that Discord and Starlight Glimmer were redeemed, which is all well and good, but there's a big difference between them and the lamia. Starlight Glimmer, for all her crimes, did not know she was dooming Equestria-she just wanted to ruin Twilight's life. Discord, to my knowledge, for all his faults and messing with ponies, never killed-in fact, that would be against his character-death is an order, so to speak and living ponies are so much more prone to panic and amusing reactions.

This lamia, on the other hand? She admits she has straight up eaten stallions alive and Rarity just gets over that. So, not only does Rarity accept that the lamia is a murderer, she also forgives her for ending god knows how many lives and admitting to being a murderer

There's being kind and then there's just this.

I think the problem here is that stallions aren't treated as sapient beings in this fic. They're objects of desire or lust for the mares and nothing else. When does Rarity discuss a friendship with a stallion? She doesn't. She always speaks in reference to her "prince" or something along those lines.

Rarity acts as if their lives didn't matter-if someone had described me Rarity's overall attitude towards the lamia, I would have said she was friends with a past thief, not a full on murderer-which, monster or not, is what the lamia is.

By the logic presented here, Rarity would also offer the same level of friendship to a stallion who willingly and maliciously seduced fillies, fucked them, and then chopped their heads off and scoop out their brains for assorted pies to be sold at his bakery in the past but is now kind of regretting it. Sound harsh? Well, Oriole pretty much did the same thing.

So, yeah. Suffice it to say, I was never immersed in this story at all and I felt very distance from it overall. That being said? Otherwise, it works. It is entertaining in spite of this one immersion breaking


Surprisingly absent from this particular story.

Every story of yours I read is a four course meal of incredible flavor and proportion – even the ones about half-snake monsters that eat stallions! :trixieshiftright:
Please don't ever stop...:heart:

In the feature box, no less.

And people wonder why I'm always proposing death camps...

“Hmm…” Pokey dug through his saddlebags. “I have some meat tenderizer.”

Wait why would a pony have a meat tenderizer?

“Why are you carrying around meat tenderizer?” Twilight asked. “In fact, why do you even own meat tenderizer?”

Even Twilight questions this.

I just realized something very sad:

Twilight Sparkle's behavior in this is not OOC in the slightest. This hypocritical, blind, selective prejudice is completely canon.

That is very, very sad.

And the fact that the story essentially proves her right and also engages in its own prejudice by only referring to stallions as basically a step above pieces of meat...

I feel like I'm looking at a satire about addiction and double standards in gender prejudice. But I also think I might just be looking at a very silly story about a snake-pony that eats dudes.

Basically, I am very confused. Congratulations, you have a new follower.

>merely enthralled by the subtle glamours I unconsciously weave just through the act of being.”

Oh man, what an incredible line.

7678453 I was thinking the exact same thing, Rarity was really OOC in my opinion.

Cute, sweet, a little lower key than I would have liked, but I can't really fault it for that. Full marks.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, a friend of mine learned about rule 217 - you can't free a fish from water.

Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle

7678737 :cough: Twilight's a princess and doesn't write to Celestia anymore.

“Twilight, I take it back. This festival is awesome,” Rainbow said.

I lost it at that part. :rainbowlaugh:

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